Loving You Secretly

Late August Notes

Not a very bright night for me. A cloudy sky with no stars adorning without a smiling moon, like this heart, a heart shrouded with deep wounds without a single speck of light able to shine through my heart. In the silence of the night I stood behind the window of my room, looking up at the sky with questions that might not have been answered. Why don't stars fill the sky? Why does the moon not smile at the earth? Did the moon, the stars come together to feel the pain in my heart? I don't know if I don't know myself. Wanting me to fly into space left all this pain behind and let it pass carried away by the night wind. Such high hopes that there was no way I could reach him.

For a moment, my daydreams opened because it was like someone was calling me from the door of my room.

“Riss.. haven't slept yet?” call Mama from my doorstep

“not yet Ma, just in a minute kok.”

“don't sleep too bad ya baby, tomorrow right school.” his advice.

“iya Ma, no kok, ntar Rissa also sleep.”

“Night Maa.” Answer's short. Although I said that I was soon going to sleep but still I could not sleep, it was only to relieve the heart of Mama who was too worried about me.

My long breath may lessen a little bit of the burden in my heart, but it cannot lessen the slightest wound in my heart. Because it's hard for me to deal with all this on my own, maybe because so many stories I've been through with you. Starting from the laughter, the motivation you once gave, the affection you once gave in my life but all that is just a speck of false hope! Maybe for you it's just a friend's attention, but not for me. For me it was a concern that maybe only you gave me. Until I felt something stir in my heart as my eyes stared at each other's radiance that was very different to mine, a gaze that was no longer ordinary. A gaze that might mean that his eyes are talking.

“If you had known Andra.I was here tonight alone, silent daydreaming of you, feeling alone the pain in your heart, the pain you hurt. I don't know what else I should do. Will I still be able to feel LOVE?” I said as I looked at the sky. Yes. Only words are impossible Andra will answer.

Late August 2013. I express my heart through my writings tonight. I don't need to tell you I miss you, even when you're around me I can't look at you. Because this love is hidden. Yep. In silence I love you, in my prayer your name is tucked away. I want to leave this feeling, erase the wound in my heart and end all the stories about you into my past. Indeed, memories cannot change, let it be an interesting story that is indeed to be remembered and written in my old diary. I realize this feeling embedded in my heart shouldn't grow, but I will try to stop and let it wither in my heart with this wound. Your figure in my heart. Ye. Yep. I miss you, as I used to. But what is my power? All of these feelings I can only ponder deeply. By itself this feeling will continue to flow like water, and walk with the flow wherever it will flow.

There's nothing left for me but memories of being with you. Let me try to leave all, all about you, about this taste, and let me remember and write it into a story in the Late August Notes.