Loving You Secretly

I'm Not Alone

“World. One word that confuses me. I never understood why God created the world? What wisdom would there be if God created the world? Did God feel so lonely that He created the World? Or what? I don't know. I searched for the answer for a long time, but I never found it. Only God can answer that. However, there will certainly be a wisdom behind the creation of the world.”

“Bukk!”

I closed my diary slowly. I see such a beautiful ecosystem of the sky. The bright lights of the stars tonight are not as usual. The night wind softened in rhythm with my pulse. The moonlight flashed brightly as if it warmed my body. For a moment, I closed my eyes and tried to absorb the situation. Trying to drift with all the sights at the moment. Trying to get late with my wishful thinking.

While embracing my diary book, I still fulfilled this fate. A fate I never understood. Why so much I never understood? If I had known better, maybe I could have understood my destiny a little. Destiny about why I was born alone? Destiny about why I'm always lonely? But, there was someone who seemed to signal to me that I was living not alone. I don't know where and who that guy is? Every time I wanted to thank him and ask him, he was not there. I don't know where he's going. But he was obviously very kind to me.

—

“Zahra!” Shouted a girl at me. His voice was so familiar to my ears. I just looked away and smiled a smile at him.

“Hai Arin” I said as I waved my left hand at her and embraced the book with my right hand.

“How, have you found that person?”

“Entahlah. He's hard for me to find.” I answered while walking to class with him. His mouth made only the letter o. I just nodded.

“Eh, by the way he disappeared how long?”

“As I remember six months ago he came. He gave me a bag and a pair of shoes. I don't know what that means? Yesterday, he gave me a diary.” My speech. Arinpun nodded his head.

“You know not? I'm so jealous of you. You have a fan.” His words slightly nudged my shoulders. I smiled at him.

“I was very curious about that person. I think he is a man.”

“You sure? How did you know?” Ask her. I also just lifted my shoulders.

—

“Back on him. Someone who knows who and where he is? Someone who always amazes me. I don't know why he did this to me? As I recall, there was never anyone as good as him to me. He's very attentive to me. I don't know what's behind it all? I don't know what makes him always give me gifts? I don't know?”

I put my head on the back of the chair. I thought about how the sender of the gift was? Is he really as good as what I think he is? Was he really sincere about giving me those gifts? Is there no other intention than that? Hmm, one word for all those questions. I don't know!

“Tok, tok, tok!” Suddenly a sound of people knocking at my door.

“Who are these nights coming to my house?” My inner.

Immediately, I put my foot towards the entrance. Slowly, the door that opened sounded slowly. Until the door opened perfectly, I could see no one standing at the door. There was, just a box that didn't contain anything.

Soon, I flank the box into my house. Little heavy. I closed the door to keep the night wind from rushing into my house. I opened the box. How surprised I was to see what was there.

“Laptop?” My words don't believe. Yes, the contents of the box is a laptop. The thing I always wanted.

“But, why did he know I wanted this?” My inner. Let it.

—

“Wah! He must be a rich man, Zahra!” Arin Mumbled. I still focused on my physical book and ignored Arin. Today there is a repeat.

“Eh, do you know something?”

“What?” I asked while still struggling with my physical book.

“You know Reza next class?” Ask her. I just shook my head slowly. Reza's? Next class? I don't know?

“He often notices you. It could be he who always gives you those gifts.D he is rich” He said. I also think a little. Does it make sense what Arin said?

“I'm not sure. How did you know he was here?”

“When not here where? The sender of the gifts must be near you. How could he be far?”

“Think true, Arin. That doesn't make any sense. He's not the sender of it.” I closed my physical book.

Arin just took a breath. I intend to go to the library. I don't really like to waste time like this. Especially to talk about things that are not important.

“Zahra! Zahras! Where are you going?”

“I'll go to perpus!”

I also walked to the library. Just a few more steps I got there. Not too far from where I was standing.

I'll be right in there. The atmosphere of the library today is very quiet. Maybe only a few people are here. Yeah, some twists.

“Hay!”

Someone suddenly greeted me. I also looked towards him.

“Hay, ” Reply.

He stood beside me looking at me.

“You're new here?” Ask.

“Not really. You may have just seen me.” I didn't look at him.

“My name is Radit.” He said as he picked up the book he was going to read.

I smiled looking at him.

“Zahras. My name is Zahra.”

She's staring. She smiles. Waw, she's so sweet. A smile from her is so charming.

“What class are you in?”

“I 1 Ipa 2.” Her speech.

“Eh, left first, yes. I'm going to meet you. See you again, yes.” Further again.

I just nodded and smiled. He's really funny. I just saw him this time. It feels very comfortable to look at and see him. I don't know what this is. Am I in love at first sight? Ahh. Zahra, there's only you. I have to keep that thought out. It's really weird.

“Plukk.”

A book suddenly fell out of place.

I picked up the book and saw it. I checked every corner of the book. Unostentatious.

“Plukk..”.

The paper in the book fell down again. Why is this book so fragile?

I took that piece of old paper. I saw and kuraba. This paper is really obsolete. I slowly read the strands of letters that were there.

“I don't know why this happened to me. Something I don't understand at all. By the time I met her, I felt so much..”.

I stopped reading until there. This book is like a diary. Ja. Is this a diary too, huh? I'll borrow this book.

—

“Is this book a diary, huh? Who's owner? Why can it be in the library?”

I kept thinking about the book I was holding. It feels strange if someone keeps his diary in the library. Moreover, this diary is obsolete. There are only people like this.

I started to open the first page of the book. Too much dust.

“When he got off the bus, the first time I saw him. He's really charming. I just saw someone like him. What is charming about her figure, huh? I don't know. He really made me feel.”

This book tells the story of someone who falls in love at first sight. Hahah, funny. It looks so exciting.

“It's been two months that I've been harboring this feeling. But there was not the slightest bit of courage from my heart to approach and question him. I don't know why every time I see him, I always feel unworthy around him. He's too perfect for me. I can always see it from far away. Watching every gurgle. Watching every joke and strange behavior. He's really funny. He can really make me laugh. Yep. Laughing alone. If only you could see my presence. I will not feel all alone. Let, along with your laughter and smile, I can feel calm and happy.”

“One year I love you. Yep. Love is eternal in my heart. I don't know when I'll get to the end of this path of love. I want to get there and have love with you. Hahah, I'm so naive. How can we be in love, while we don't know each other at all. Hahah, I'm really crazy. Hey you in my heart, understand me? Did you know that someone has loved you for a year? Why didn't you realize it? Hahah, of course. How can you know, know about me not. I never knew how to start our meeting. In fact, we often cross paths. Yeah, I'm the only one who knows we're passing. Without you.”

“Two years I love you. Still love in the heart. When I know you're special, I love you even more. While you were walking with your friend, I saw something fall out of your bag. That's a thing. Yeah, an hourglass. But there is a quirk of that hourglass. The sand in that hour could not come down. Very unique. Like yourself. You are very unique.”

“Three years I love you. But, does that unexpressed love not hurt? Maybe my love is like a butterfly that forgets how to fly. Like me, I forgot how I loved you. I forgot how you made a snare that interested me. I forget. I forgot, actually you are something very precious in my heart. And I forgot, you never realized it.”

“Hay my writing? You are the one I always write. Why did you go home with your friend? Don't you realize I'm standing behind you and bringing us together? Why is it that after I made a wonderful start we became acquainted and failed miserably? Didn't you understand my heart at the time? Heart hurts! Heart broken! Why can't I get a little closer to you? Can't you get close to me first? Why is it that after I'm really sure to invite you to fail instead? Wh why? I've never been like this. I love you my writing. Don't you understand a little about me?”

“When I look at you, my heart is frozen. As you passed in front of me, my body stiffened. When you glanced at me, my tongue was muffled. I can't afford. I don't know how long I've been harboring a feeling that really makes me stifle. This love keeps growing in my heart. Even into my heart, this love has penetrated. Until I understand how valuable it is to look at you from afar, when I can't do it anymore. When I was sentenced to Alzheimer's. I do not know, why my young age must suffer from a disease that usually affects the elderly? I don't know if after I lost all my memories of love, I could remember you back or not. Maybe I'll forget about you. But how painful it is to forget you. Forgetting the love I've had for four years. I don't want the end of this love to stay the same as before. I want you to know that there's been someone who's been very sincere in loving you for the past four years. I want you to know. If I'm really gonna lose all my memories, I want to go back. Back to love you like it was originally.”

Unfeeling, I cried reading a note of someone's love that he could never express. I feel sorry for the person who wrote this diary. His love really looks very big on the person he is targeting.

Hey wait, there's a last note here. The record is quite long. Looks like I should read it.

“My last note.

November 20th, 2012

Hay something you never read? Yeah, myself. I hope by looking at this note I can believe that I wrote it. I don't know how many memories I lost. Half, not all. But I don't give a shit. All I care about is you. I don't want to forget you. I really want to write your name here. But baby, I never knew a single letter. I know I suck, but forgetting you is more than just leaving.

Maybe if I read this note, I'll shake my head and not believe everything. I also won't remember how hurt it was to love you. And I don't want to lose that. I don't know if my operation will be successful or not. If it works, and I can come back to life with my new memories, I'll look for you. I will try to love you back as you have always. I'll be more confident to tell you everything. Would. Wait for me to pick you up. Although I will feel strange later, but I believe, I have loved you for four years.”

—

“Arin!” I called and told him to sit next to me.

Arin just looked at me weird. Maybe he thinks that I don't usually call him.

“What's up, Zahra?”

Arin frowned when she heard my stories. He took my bag suddenly and reached into a book that was none other than the book I was telling.

“Wah, you're right. What if we broadcast it on the luncheon broadcast. You seem to deserve to be the new broadcaster.” Say it while continuing to open the books.

“Your id is not too bad.”

—

“Love. Maybe you all already understand what the theme of the lunch broadcast this time. With a new broadcaster that some of you may not know. I'm Zahra. Yesterday I found a diary in the school library. It's strange. Maybe some of you don't believe what I'm saying. But I'm not lying.

My intention to try to be a broadcaster here is to tell me something special in my opinion. The story I read myself from the diary I found. Maybe you're wondering what story I'm going to tell? Is attractive? You can listen to his story after we hear this song. A song I dedicate to anyone who claims to be a secret admirer. Purple – Love In Heart.”

I also woke my head trying to immerse this song. Each strand of the lyrics is exactly like the story of the girl who owns the book. Girl, who said? But she seems to be a girl.

“Hey!”

I heard someone's voice say. I looked up too. There was Radit. He's the one who told me.

“By lunch broadcast, yes?”

—

“... I don't know if he's still around or not. I'm just passing on and intending to look for him if you know. You may have heard of someone suffering from Alzheimer's. But he's a high school boy. Maybe he's the one. I know it less. The story I told was enough to get there.

And before this broadcast ends, I want to tell you something that feels lonely and that no one loves you.

There is actually too much love that comes without you noticing. So take that love before you go. And for the secret fans, pursue your love before you're really too late. I'll play a song for a fan to sing to your fans. Let's sing it together, fans. And before the song played, my permission was to take a break from this lunch broadcast. May we meet again. And here's Geisha, Try to Understand.”

I also got up from my seat. Broadcast is over. Radit's still waiting for me to finish broadcasting. He's really funny. He doesn't care about an hour I'm here. He kept waiting for me. I'd better get to him.

“Hay, long wait?”

“Oh, no tuh. Your broadcast is great.”

“Hahah, thanks to the diary I found in the library. The story is haru, yes. I really like.”

“Now where are we going?” Ask her.

“My throat is dry. To the canteen bentar, yuk.”

Anyun nodded. I walked to the cafeteria with him. The break time is almost over. But I think it's still possible to just have a drink there.

“What do you want to drink?” My toot.

“I won't drink. Just take you.”

“Totally?”

He's nodding. Smile too. He was smiling.

“Bi, sweet tea one, yes. Lots of ice.”

My message was half screaming.

The shop owner's aunt nodded. Two minutes later, the tea arrived.

I also condense two pieces of two thousand and begin to suck the water in this glass. I turned the straw I was holding. Radit smiled a little at me.

“You like tea?”

“Ya like that.”

Raditpun and I talked a lot. While we were talking, I saw a man watching me and Radit. He looks to investigate.

“What's up, Zahra?”

“Eh, no. The yuk class. Short of coming in.”

—

“What did you say Radit was the one you brought yesterday?” Ask Arin full of questions. I'm nodding.

“Do you like it?” He's getting probed. I nodded again while continuing to bite my bread.

“Ahh, he's not at all handsome. Since you're busy falling in love, you've forgotten your secret gift sender.”

“Yes. I have forgotten. By the way, how's it going, huh? I worried about it very much.”

“Ahh I have an idea. Just broadcast your story on lunch.”

“I don't want.” I said with my mouth full.

“You want to wait for him to pass here? It's been half an hour we wait.” Complain Arin.

I also swallowed the bread I had eaten. I threw the bread at Arin when I saw Radit walking towards me. My eyes immediately glared and approached him.

“We go to the park, yuk.” Invite me directly.

Anyun nodded. I smiled and turned my eyes to Arin who was sitting alone.

“Arin! I'm going to the park. Take care of yourself!” My yelling.

Arinpun nodded lazily. I took Radit's hand to the park.

“First time we met where, yes?” Ask to start a conversation.

I moved my mind around a few weeks back.

“Di library.”

“Now I will change the beginning of our meeting here.” Her speech.

I also scrunched my forehead. Whatdoes thatmean?

He immediately walked towards the rose stalk. He picked a rose there. He even put it on me.

“Let's make the beginning of our wonderful meeting. In a garden with roses. The library is not our meeting. Here's.” Her speech.

I just blushed to see his behavior. He's really romantic.

From afar, a man was watching me just like in the cafeteria. I can catch his shadow at the end of the garden.

“What's up, Zahra?” Ask him while looking at the end of the park.

I also slightly sneered while walking quickly towards the end of the park. Who is the person who was watching us? Is he the sender of the gift?

“Hey! You who!?” My speech.

The man turned his back when I approached him.

“I have to go.” Her speech.

I followed his footsteps from behind. He kept stepping.

“Stop following me!”

“You who?”

“I.. Reza.”

—

I ran as fast as I could. I'm afraid my SPP is late to pay again. I haven't paid for it in three months. Hopefully it's not too late. As I climbed the stairs, a male disciple walked down. He kept his head down. How strange.

Quickly, I opened the door to the room.

“Bu, it's me Zahra. I haven't paid SPP?” My toot.

The mother scrunched her forehead a little.

“Just a male student paid it off. He even paid off the building money and his donation.”

“Who is he?” Ask fast.

“I don't know either.” Her speech.

I also ran straight down. I'm sure that must have been the guy. There was no one around me but him. Even now it's just me.

I kept running with tears. Come on, who's the sender of the gift? Come on, I've been wanting to find out. I love you the sender of my gift.

When I searched the whole room, I was down. My tears just keep on sinking and coming down my cheeks. I'm a little sobbing. I'm disappointed in myself. I can't find that guy. The one who has been signaling to me all this time, that I am not living alone. He always accompanied me with all the gifts he gave me.

He is kind. Come on, send me another gift. I miss that. You know, the shooting star didn't grant my wish. If you knew what my request was, I probably wouldn't have said it. But to be honest, I begged that I could sit in the school garden with you again. And we'll pick roses. But it has become a memory. Memories that will stick in my heart. Sweet memories, too bitter to remember, yet too sweet to forget.