Loving You Secretly

Dusk Light

“Light of dusk closes the groove of both of us.” A piece of the lyrics of a song that almost every day became my sleep conductor turned out to invite me into a situation that I had never imagined before. Circumstances that made me avoid what I was supposed to be looking for. Hating what I should love. This is where I learned when we should lie to our own feelings. When should we be honest with our feelings. I thought everything was going to be okay. But what power, this state of mind ushered my mind back again to fall into the world of Love that I was trying to avoid.

My name is Sekar.my parents gave this name in the hope that someday, I managed to heed my own life like a flower–bunga that heeds the garden with its beautiful colors–. Honey, I just tasted my early teens, I've been charged with living only with Mama. Yep! Without the figure of Dad. I was the only child who had just lost Dad since my Dad got Cancer and left me and my Mama. It is only natural that I feel lonely at all times. Plus, my mom works out of town. Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm just a kara in this world. I'm not even 15 yet. And I just sat in High School. I chose to continue my high school in the School of Social Sciences. Where it turns out this place is an intermediary towards my actual teenage years. And this is where my story begins.

—

“Dark! How many more times do you want to scream? Quickly wake up!” Yes, as usual, every morning Mama screams in front of my room. This is because I am so hard to wake up. The alarm clock I placed right beside my pillow failed to wake me up. Moreover, Mama who every day outside the room doubles as my active speaker.

A bright morning on a sunny day for school. Yes, although the trip to school I always take on foot, but this did not in the least break my bright spirit. Fortunately, today it did not rain like yesterday. The wetness of the asphalt and the abundance of waterholes accompanied my steps towards school. I focused my mind on the lessons I would learn later. One by one I remember the materials that will be tested later. And I have also imagined how the expression of the math teacher if I can not answer the problem. It's commonplace, it's just that I don't accept it a little, why do I have to deal with math again? Whereas I deliberately went to school in the Social Sciences to avoid lessons–lessons like that.

I have not finished reflecting on the figure of–angka which is quite stifling my mind, suddenly from the back of the motorcyclist speed past me. Not only passed me, but he also passed through a waterhole that happened to be right next to me. Surely the rundown water hit me and dirty my uniform. I was shocked and could only yell at the driver who did not want to take responsibility. Not because of my wet hair or shoes, but because today is a Monday where I wear a uniform that should be white and now there is no way I can put it back as easily as turning my palms.

“How is this? maybe I am truant, huh? there's no way I'm going to school like this. But if I didn't go to school, I wouldn't have got any math scores.” Mumbles. I finally decided to continue my path to school. I don't think about what sanctions I'm getting for this dirty uniform. All I think about is the math test scores later. As much as– hated me with math, I never intended to skip her lesson. Yeah, that's right. Sanctions and scolding from the teacher I got. In addition to being late to class, a dirty uniform is the reason for my punishment today. “that shirt or lap pel kar?” ask Dela one of my comrades in arms. “udah, do not need to be discussed.” I replied cynically.

This afternoon I decided to go home with Dela. And fortunately Dela was willing to sacrifice her jacket to me to cover my uniform full of disgusting stains. For it is impossible for me to walk again in this terrible state. I accidentally glanced at the motorbike next to the Dela motor where the motorbike seemed familiar to me. And after I remember–remember, it turned out that the motor was the motor that almost grazed me this morning.

“Del, you know who has this motor?” my many.

“knowahulah. That's Kak Edwin.” replied Dela.

“Hah? Who the hell?” ask again.

“when you don't know? That's the coolest upperclassman here.” Answer Dela.

Before long, came a male–laki called– named Edwin who immediately went with his motorbike. Yes, cool anyway, but it's a pity how he to dirty people's clothes no cool–curenya. My eyes looked sharply at the departure of the big brother. As if I really– a grudge against him.

“alah kar! There is no way you can get Edwin.” Said Dela suddenly who broke my gaze.

“hah? What the hell is Del? Awesome talk about it.” My reply.

“alah, now just say that. Just have a crush.” Dela said.

“apaaaa? If asked to choose yes, mendingan I die hit by a motorcycle rather than having a crush on him. As long as you know yes, because of– because he tuh uniform I dirty gini. Because of him, I also got punished.” Omelku to Dela.

My words turned out to make Dela turn off the engine and turned to look at me with curiosity.

“so, this dirty Edwin brother of yours?” ask Dela seriously.

“iya! Shrimp look arrogant, jutek, do not want responsibility anymore.” My complaint.

“it's fast up!” It seems like Dela is upset with my complaint about Brother Edwin. But that's the reality that's happening.

“I go home.” I shouted while opening the door of the house. “Aw mampus! My clothes..” when I remembered the uniform that I could not show in front of my mother, I rushed into the room without Mama's knowledge. But, late!

“Sky!” Shouting Mama. I haven't opened the door yet, Mama called me. I don't want to have to face my mom. My head lowered and I slowly approached Mama. “hout what are you doing? Chrawl?” Slowly my head lifted and spoke slowly.

“ee... eee.. earlier clasped..” I said terbat–bata.

Complete already today. Late to school, punishment, scolding from teachers and that's not all. Dela seemed annoyed with me even to the house Mama followed angrily–ra because of my dirty uniform. Well, this is all because of that arrogant brother. Since this incident, I began to sentence Edwin's brother who I was the most beautiful person in the school. No matter how many of my friends idolize her and it doesn't matter if it's only me who doesn't like her, that's why my friendship starts to fall apart.

—

The bell rang really fast, signaling the first lesson was about to begin. But luck fell into my class. The first hour was an empty hour. It just so happened that his teacher was unable to attend. That means in the next 3 hours I can be free from the math killer teacher. The mood of the class is getting worse and less. So I decided to leave the class. In front of the class, Dela was sitting reading her favorite novel. I thought I should go to him and ask him yesterday. To make sure he's not mad at me.

“Del, are you angry with me?” my many. Dela looked at me and closed the novel.

“not, ordinary aja.” answer. Our view was immediately shifted to the basketball court that was right in front of our class. I glanced at Dela who seemed to be knotted in a smile as she knew that one of the basketball players was Brother Edwin. Not just Dela. Some friends– other female friends of my class also saw Kak Edwin who was playing basketball. Because I feel uncomfortable with this situation I also wake up and intend to enter the class.

“mau to where?” ask Dela.

“tiba–all of aja my head is dizzy, I enter first yes.” My answer. Not only did I get into class suddenly my back head was hit by something. The pounding of the basketball was hard enough to make me shocked and fell. While holding my head I turned around. It turns out that the culprit was none other than Edwin. My other friends came up to me and asked me how I was doing. Immediately I grimaced when I found out Edwin was hitting me with the ball.

“sial, so really dizzy right.” muttered.

“you okay–apa?” ask Dela while touching my shoulder.

“why-why not.” I answered while looking up. How shocked I was that Edwin was already in front of me.

All my friends– are amazed at his arrival. Yes all. Except me.

“sorry by accident.” Edwin said while picking up a basketball that was near me. Instead of helping or just asking about the situation, he took the ball and left. And this makes me even more upset. I got up and really– got into class.

“look at Del, your idol!” My misery.

“keep him accidentally kar.” Reply Dela. Not wanting to fight with Dela I relented and chose to keep my own annoyance. Loss also if I complain in front of my friend–. Including Dela, who really adored the figure of Edwin the Swagger Classmate, pretentious cool, and never wanted to be in charge of it.

Before long, the empty hour ended briefly. One of the teachers came into my class. The class commotion stopped. We thought the teacher would teach or temur–mur was unclear because of our commotion. It turned out that he came with the aim of giving an announcement about the tour that will be held next week. This tour is conducted by 1st class and 2nd class with the same route. Everything has been announced by the teacher to spend hours of lessons. It was great to get this announcement. I had a headache from the ball I forgot.

“wah, I can't wait to tour. Definitely exciting.” Dela.

“iya, when else can I gather together with friends if not fitting it.” replied me.

—

Today Dela promised to stay at my house. Count–count today we plan to make a very heaped task and learn to repeat tomorrow. This is the first time I have not felt lonely in this house. Dela figure added a member of the house for a while. “often–often here Rin, let me have temen.” I said weld.

“ya not often very Kar. But if there's a time I'm sure I'll get you.” Dela said wisely. We also stay up late to complete this task.

“ya gosh, this is when will it finish huh? Where is 2 hours more.” Complain Dela.

“i am not strong. Where we haven't learned to repeat.” I said. We also chose to continue the task and without realizing we fell asleep in the living room with the state of the book scattered.

The alarm clock in my room rang so loud that it woke Dela who was asleep on the floor. Dela tried to wake me up and there was no way she could succeed. Finally he got ready himself. Not long after, I also woke up and was surprised by my situation at that time. “astagaaaa!! haven't learnedrr!!” my yelling.

“what a hell son, morn– mornin' already a fuss yourself. Take a shower! Dela is almost done.” Omel Mom.

“Duh died we Del. We haven't learned at all.” I said, taking the book out to the table.

“udah, just give it up. How else.” said Dela while opening the classroom window curtain.

“Del, anter me to the toilet yuk.” I said to Dela while pulling her hand out of class. Not yet arrived at the toilet it turns out Edwin and his friends– was gathered on the terrace near the toilet.

“that people do anyway use event hanging out there, where all the way to the toilet is drained again.” murmured. I stopped and tried to find another toilet.

“Kar, said he wants to go to the toilet?” dela asked confusedly.

“Toilet is not only 1 time Del.” said I immediately ran to another toilet.

But unfortunately, this one toilet is quite spooky and said people–this toilet is quite haunted. I could only sigh and gulp when I was in front of him. But silly of me, I still choose to go into the haunted toilet instead of back to the toilet guarded by Edwin and friends. Because there is no other choice. Luck fell on me at that moment. The toilet was not as scary as I imagined. All I met was a horde of cockroaches and rats–tikus only.

“ngapain the heck do you think you went into a haunted toilet to avoid Kak Edwin? Fortunately, nothing happened. Well if for example you saw what–what about try?” dela said furiously.

“you're still a proud–proud people like that. You realize dong, he is not good influence for his fans. I'm surprised anyway, what the hell is seen from his arrogant and pretentious figure that.” My reply.

“iya that's just you think! And you're the only one with negative thoughts to Brother Edwin.” Dela allegations.

“that's 'cause I fucked myself Del!” Reply again.

“ya is up to you! Basically, you can never think positively to others.” said Dela and left me.

“heh, yes basically yes.” Who keeps on playing that other guy? Who made his own best friend shit? Who made my head go crazy over basketball? Now who's the reason I'm so desperate to get into that haunted toilet? And who made me fight with Dela? I hate Edwin!

The toughest thing I experienced this time was fighting the same Dela. Just imagine, I'm even my classmate with Dela. But we even cuek–cuekan. And not speaking a single word. Honestly this is hard, but what power. Dela must have started hating me. I'm also surprised, actually what magic is used by Edwin until people are crazy–gila with him. This includes my best friend Dela. Our contrasting opinions are the cause of the breakdown of our current relationship. I don't know what will happen, only time will tell. Hari–hari me and Dela kept quiet not talking one bit. But I do believe that someday there will be some circumstances that force us to talk again.

This incident is the beginning of my communication with Dela back to how it was. “you're okay Del?” I asked when Dela was awake and lying on the UKS bed.

“aku why try?” Ask Dela limp.

“ya already, you anyway, definitely not breakfast huh? Until fainting gini.” sahutku.

I also gave him warm water. I haven't seen any UKS officers approaching us. Until finally.

“i'm thirsty too. Bentar yes Del, I take water first.” I said as I turned around to pour water. At that time, I heard the sound of the UKS door squeaking a sign that someone was entering this UKS. I think it was a UKS officer who was picketed. “Hmm finally there are also those who take care of us yes Del.” mutteredku. As I turned around and sipped a glass of water, I was surprised to see Edwin giving Dela some medicine. I coughed in shock as I happened at the same time as I gulped down water.

“you're sick too?” asked Edwin with a flat look without expression.

“who? Me?” many doubt.

“emang besides Dela, who else is here?” ask again.

Jeez, this is the first time I've had an unimportant chat with Edwin. Is he one of the UKS officers? Well, it could be the end of this school if he became a UKS officer. Especially if he becomes a doctor. He could die all his patients. Hold still. It's not important, is it?

Eventually me and Dela went back to normal. My nightmare all along has finally ended. Whatever happened before between me and Dela we started to forget. We also tell each other and return to fill each other. “aaaaa I really like Kar... Know gini every day I just fainted yes.” He said with a happy smile.

“can't say Del..” My answer.

“Infant aja kar, Kak Edwin apparently already know my name.” Follow him happily.

“ehmm, until mas-mas the sole of the shoe will also know your name Del.” times I replied while looking at his name that has been neatly wedged on his right chest.

“eh.. ignore kar.” sahut while looking down at the name on his chest.

It doesn't feel like today is the day we've been waiting for. School Tour. We all had fun in all the activities. The bright sky is very supportive of us in our activities on the coast and on the boat that we ride. We learned a lot on the Tour this time. Time passed so quickly that we had to go back to school. The end of our tourist attractions is the butterfly garden. I happen to love this flying creature. I found a butterfly with a pretty color. I kept looking at the butterfly until I didn't realize my entourage was gone. I rushed after my party to the parking lot where the buses were placed.

“waduh, which bus is my class?”

I find it hard to tell the difference between each bus there. I just make the surrounding trees–tree as a benchmark. And I remember my class bus parked next to a Japanese tree. Not long after, I rushed straight to the bus. Once inside the bus, the door was closed, indicating that the bus was waiting for me to walk. Without realizing it, I entered the bus wrong. I was surprised and confused to see the people on the bus who were all foreign to me. I can only swallow seeing this situation. Immediately I approached the bus driver and asked him to stop because I was the wrong one on the bus. Unfortunately, the bus cannot be stopped. I don't want to have to take that bus.

The bus is the class bus. Withstanding the shame, I began to look for an empty seat, and how unlucky I was that the empty seat was just next to Edwin. People's arguments about the world are narrow, it turns out, right. If I could choose, I would sit in the bus toilet instead of having to sit with Edwin. But it's not possible that I did. Finally, with a heavy heart, I sat down beside Edwin. It turns out that there is something worse than fighting with Dela, namely. Sit with cynical, arrogant men and parasites for the organisms around them.

All the way I was really annoyed by this situation. I who usually noisily, troublemaking, and crowded just deserted silent and calm. It's because I got the wrong bus and it's fatal like this. Like there was no one else I chose but Edwin. Then my guess is right. Friends– classmates just do not want to be close to Edwin even sat a single seat no one wants. “mending cake there that I talk to you.” murmured me.

“still sick?” ask Edwin who surprised me enough.

“who? Me?” I looked up at Edwin.

“doesn't have any other stock questions huh besides that?” say Edwin with his flat look. “responsible cake!” get Edwin.

“enggak, ordinary aja.” I replied cuek.

“why can the bus go wrong then?” ask while opening the pages of the novel.

“ehm, missed the group earlier.” I said stammered. Why am I following all of her questions? Over time Edwin even spoke more pleasantries than that.

“whose name?” Ask Edwin.

“hah? Me?” The question I always responded to with the question made her quite upset with me.

“who else is next to me if not you?” Legally.

“Sekar.” my answer is short.

“hey, you know my mother's name?” tusky.

“ya where I know that your mother is the same name as me.” Answer cuek.

“hahaha joking. Yes good dong if the same. That means here I can consider you my mother. Relax, my mom is beautiful.” I didn't expect at all. It turns out that Edwin who I sentenced to be arrogant, cool and irresponsible was fun and humorous. Long–then our conversation is getting closer and not awkward. And I'm starting to find things different from Edwin.

“why do you not sit with other friends?” many spontaneous.

“hmm, because I have a feeling that there will be a surprise on this bus.” he replied.

As I ran out of topics, I chose to keep quiet. Suddenly Edwin stretched out one of his music listeners to my face and immediately attached it to my left ear. I was surprised by what he did. But what surprised me more was the song he played the same as the song I often made my lullaby.

“Kakak likes this song?” my many.

“banget. Exactly the lyrics of this song that I memorized the most.”

Instantly all my guesses towards him just vanished. All the mistakes he has done to me intentionally or unintentionally I have forgotten this easily. My guess turned into something different. I don't understand the meaning of this feeling either.

All the way to school, I fell asleep with a leaning position on Edwin's shoulder and the music listener still attached to my ear. I also woke up and quite panicked with this situation. “maaf kak.” I said while removing the music listener in my ear.

“sorry I didn't wake up. Afraid of disturbing.” said Edwin while getting up from the chair and out of the bus.

“ya gosh, Sekar you where the hell was it?” ask Dela to panic. Not to make them curious. Finally I just said that I was on the teachers bus.

I should have slept late tonight. But the incident made me unable to lie about my feelings for Edwin. Dela and friends–the rest of my friends already think I hate Edwin. But, as soon as this my feelings changed just because of that short, silly incident. What happens if they know this. Whatever happens with my feelings, I'm committed to not telling anyone including Dela.

Day by day I passed it accordingly. Outside I still seem to hate Edwin. But on the inside, I've convicted Edwin is my first love, which is not important for me to tell others. Let this feeling play out on its own. For the first time. A man–laki perched easily in my heart. “Kak Edwin is really cool if you play basketball again.” Said one of my friends.

“mana? Ordinary anyway.” sahutku cynical. Yeah, like I said. Outside I hate. But inside, I really– was amazed by him.

As I passed in front of Edwin's class with Dela, I glanced inside and I smiled as he looked at me.

“Cie smile smile on her own.” Dela.

“ha? Henggak.” sahutku hide this.

Can't linger–long anymore I hid this thing. Especially to Dela. But in addition I do not want to admit that now Edwin became my first love, even when Edwin offered me to go home with him in front of my friend–. There's no way I'm taking his invitation for granted. I have to hide my feelings. This greatly surprised my friend– and honestly I regretted it at that time. However, my true regret happened when I lied to my own feelings. And at that time I could not forgive myself.

That twilight somehow my feelings told me to walk home. At that time, Dela offered me several times to go with her. But I think I better walk. I started to enjoy my journey. My mind floated out of nowhere until I didn't realize a big garbage truck was speeding towards me. I only realized when the truck rang the bell. However, there was no way I could avoid the speed of the truck so quickly. Even if I tried to avoid it it would be useless. The only solution is to move. My eyes were blank in front of the truck that was driving towards me. “Dad, I came.” I said as I closed my eyes.

That incident passed very quickly. My body felt carried away and pushed to the side of the road. Not because of the truck. Because of someone who pushed me. When I opened my eyes I thought I was going to see Dad. But it turns out I was still around the road earlier. “I'm still alive.” I said. I saved someone. I immediately ran towards the crowd of people who were in the middle of the road. “Delaaaaa..” I shouted as I slipped among the crowd.

“Sekar, what happened?” screamed Dela who was holding my hand from behind. I looked at him and I was very surprised.

“apa?” I shouted in shock with wide eyes. It was not Dela who saved me. Who is lying on this street? As fast as lightning I entered again among the crowd. I didn't expect. “Sister Edwin?” hysterical shouting.

I immediately calmed down beside the unconscious Edwin. Blood washes between his head and nose. His white uniform was enveloped with a sea of blood. I can't say anything seeing what I see. My tears revolted wanting to go outside. My whole body was shaking and my heart was pounding. As the sound of the ambulance rang out, the crowd picked up Edwin quickly. I still can't stand. I just looked at the crowd of people who were going one by one. Dela delivered Edwin in an ambulance.

My empty gaze was finally fixed on something. The object was none other than a strand of music listeners owned by Edwin lying on the road. I also took it and watched it. Instantly in my mind came the incident on the bus when Edwin put this thing in my ear, when Edwin almost grazed me, when Edwin hit me with a basketball, when I fell asleep on Edwin's shoulder, when Edwin gave me his first smile and I couldn't imagine his recklessness saving my life. My tears were flowing and I ran straight to the Hospital after Edwin.

It was as tight as this chest felt when it was Edwin's last day. How unbelievable I was to know Edwin's departure just for saving my life.

“what have I done? I killed my first love?” Nothing else can stop my crying. This loss is killing my mind. All I had in mind at that time was that I was going to catch up with Edwin. I will be hated by everyone because of the accident. I could only hug Mama and Dela. I'm out of words–kata again. Fear, Sadness, and disbelief. That was all I knew at the time.

The Yellow Flag adorns Edwin's funeral home. The funeral was very short. I can already imagine how beautiful the Edwin family is. Including admirers–. Not just them. I also felt I lost the figure of Edwin that I avoid every day. The regret of lying to my own feelings has haunted me. Edwin didn't know he was my first love. I haven't had time to– my friends know that actually all this time I hid the feeling of love for Edwin. Although Edwin's family and friends– have forgiven me, but myself will not be able to forgive what I have done so far.

At dusk, in my room I leaned against the side of the wall while listening to my sleep song. I took a picture of Dad and Edwin's music supervisor lying on the street at the time. I couldn't hold back these tears that stifled my heart. I could only cry while looking at those two things.

“Dad, now Sekar knows, how hard it is to be a teenager. Not because of the tasks that accumulate in school. But because of the pain of letting go of the people we love. Just a promise, Sekar will never lie again. Sekar will never be proud and hypocritical with anything. Sekar did not want to lose his beloved Sekar for the third time. Dad, now bring Brother Edwin yes. He's really nice. He won't hurt Dad there. And Dad should know that he was my first love.”

“I'm sorry Brother Edwin.”

“Light of dusk closes the groove of both of us.”