Loving You Secretly

You are my life

About life that everyone talks about, so do I, who don't know much about life, who don't yet understand the meaning of life.

People say in life there is a winding road, I feel it too. When insults came to my life, I could only say patience to myself, without knowing what the word patience meant.

Something related to living must be side by side with love. All animate must feel love, may be lifeless feel love, river for example, he loves the water that flows on it.

The love that I felt was so beautiful and sometimes it became something really bad. It's too naive if I give up on the problems that are happening in my life and life.

When a dream comes to accompany a sleeping person, I actually expect the dream to come when I wake up, because only by dreaming can I feel happiness in life. He who always makes me feel alive, he who always makes me think about life, he who is always there to accompany me in life. Although sometimes he wants to get away from my life and wants to find the meaning of life without me present in his life.

Today there was heavy rain with the wind pouring down along the road. I hope the rain will subside when I get to the city, when I get off this bus. Many times I have seen my phone even though there is not a single message I have found. Maybe my whereabouts no one wants to care anymore.

Tid.. Tid.. The sound of my phone finally rang, it turned out that there was a message from Rama, my girlfriend. Yeah, maybe he's the only one who always cares about me.

“Honey, you've got it?” fill in a message from him. Somehow at that time I did not want to reply to messages from him, but usually I always rush to reply to the message even though the content is sometimes not important.

But the message I replied because I didn't want to lose the attention he always lavished on me.

“Blm darling, but I'll be there .”

Hmmm, maybe it's the only one I've had since my mom and dad left in an accident three years ago. Ever thought, why should they leave this world first? Why not just me? Even if I don't go, maybe no one will need me.

Ah, this world I must conquer. Like my father said before he left. “Gina, you are the son of the greatest father, you must be able to fight to beat the world that is sometimes cruel to you.” Maybe it was the words from my father that have always been an encouragement to my life. Dad, Mom, if you were still with me maybe I wouldn't be this weak.

I am a child of puppets. My grandfather and grandmother had long since died until finally after my parents left me, I became a kara life.

Now I am still studying at one of the public universities in Bandung. Lucky for me because I got a scholarship to study there. In addition to college I worked in a restaurant to finance my life while I was in college in Bandung.

Ckiiit. But the rain has not yet subsided.

I got off the bus while running to find a place to shelter. Unbeknownst to me when I ran to cross the road I slipped. From the west, a car is seen driving fast. When I fell, the car nudged my right leg. But fortunately the driver of the car wants to be responsible even though it is not entirely his fault.

I'm arriving at the Hospital. Tired, sick, sad, confused and uncertain feelings when I got there. I don't know what happened to me, but suddenly the doctor told me,

“Brother Gina, the wound suffered by Mbak's leg is very severe, if left so there is no hope to heal, we must take action to immediately amputate Mbak's leg.”

Hearing the Doctor's words like that I felt the world collapse, but what a force I did not want to experience prolonged pain. I just say yes said the doctor and that day the doctor and his team immediately cut my right leg to the knee.

Rama, if he knew what I was doing now, he might have refused to accept me again. College, work. Where can I pay for my life today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and forever until I die.

With a resigned heart, I finally called Rama, my boyfriend.

Foeto.. Pajo ..

“Iya darling?” rama's voice came from there who still did not know my situation now.

I just kept quiet, my lips reluctant to say.

“Sayang?” rama continued because it had been a few minutes I was just silent. “Darling, if you still don't want to talk I'll hang up the phone.”

I hung up and an hour later he came.

Looking at my situation he looked surprised and maybe he was trying to cover up his feelings of disappointment with me.

“I'm sorry, I didn't tell you about this.”

He just kept quiet.

“I know you're shy.” My next. “But if you don't want to have a disabled boyfriend like me, you better just leave me now, because I don't want you to love me because of compulsion, because you feel sorry for me.” I said, unable to hold back tears.

He wiped my tears. “Darling, I will not be ashamed of having a boyfriend like you, I love you not because of your physique.”

“Lying, that's a lie. Where anyone would accept his girlfriend with this situation.” I said I don't believe it.

“Trust dear. I'll..”

“You better leave me, because I know very well how your parents. Not to mention the situation as it is today, not so your parents do not accept me.” I cut the conversation. “You have to go now dear.”

Without saying much, Rama left me. “I will always be there for you.”

It was the last word that came out of his mouth.

Something I call this love makes me like the dumbest human being, because of how stupid I was to tell my boyfriend to leave that he obviously really loved me.

A month passed, with no news of him. I don't know where he is, I don't know if he remembers me or not, which is clear my love for him is still the same as before.

Tid.. Tid.. Handphoneku. Hmmm, it turns pasan from Rama.

“Honey, klo can aq going to your hostel now.”

“I tnggu.” My reply.

Soon Rama was near me. I cried, sorry that I told him to leave.

“I messed up that time I told you to leave, but I'm not sure you can accept me in this state.”

“I thank you dear, no matter what your circumstances I have always loved you, I have always loved you.” The answer.

I cried hearing her answer. He hugged me tightly, he kissed my lips. His warmth, his softness, was still the same as before.

Rama, now I understand it is only you who are always there for me, it turns out only you are able to understand me, it turns out only you who understand my situation.

That's the life that everyone talks about. Something in life feels good when someone understands. It is beautiful when the tears that become the symbol of the wound turn into a smile.

As people say, something will feel beautiful in time.