Loving You Secretly

I'm You're Friend

I see, I still see. I will never get tired of staring at a girl in front of me. She was still beautiful even though she was lying weak with her face pale. In his unconsciousness I hope someone will wake him from his long slumber. Whoever he is, whether he's a prince or a king. If you can, please wake the princess up. But alas, this is not a fairy tale of a sleeping princess who awakens with a sincere kiss from the prince. It's real life where everything is different not always what we want it to be. But whatever it is, God always has a good plan for us.

“I miss you” I may have spoken that sentence a thousand times, and I'm sure she heard it even though her body didn't move a bit. I really miss him, really miss him.

October 22, 2007

The gift of God so fiercely falling from heaven to earth restrained the pace of my iron horse, which forced me to turn it to a simple stall, which that afternoon became a favorite place of the people. The stalls that I usually see quiet are now crowded with the adam and women. “ini is indeed the gift of Lord” I murmured in my heart.

The rain is getting heavier, but I must not complain, because I try not to be the one who will favor Him. I have always strengthened this heart to always pusnudzon to Him. Although from earlier syetan unceasingly said “it’s a bad day!” a sentence that tried to shake my faith.

Plaque!!! Someone flapped my back, not sick but enough to surprise me. “hey” he called me. That sound? a familiar voice in my ear, a sweet, delicate voice that disappeared 16 months ago. The last voice I heard during the breakup of Junior High first. “What is he?” I said in my heart. I turned my body 180 degrees, and I saw it was indeed him “eh elo?” answer me with a smile.

Hooded girl, pretty face white. Girl with sweet dimples on her face. Jolly girl, fun and annoying at the same time. A girl who is super chatty, stubborn and always willing to win by herself but smart.

He was Elza, precisely Elza Dwi Febrian my close friend and rival during Junior High. It was unexpected that the two of us were able to meet again after a few months apart because we went to a different school. He went to SMK and I went to State school. It was a coincidence that we met, but yes I don't think this is a coincidence, but it was destined of course.

“how are you?”

“baik”

The conversation continued that afternoon. Under the swift rain that soaked the earth, I spent the afternoon with Elza just telling a story reminiscing about the nostalgia of the two of us first, until it did not feel the sky began to darken and the rain began to subside.

I went home to him with a piece of paper in my hand, a used paper containing Elza's phone number that he had written for me when we talked earlier.

“dadaaah” told me to her and she replied with her distinctive smile.

March 11, 2008

“tiiit, tiiit, tiiitt”

My phone rang loudly waking up my sleep, old-fashioned hp with a Motorola brand that I always put next to my head when I sleep. I picked it up and opened the incoming message with eyes that were still a little heavy to open.

To: Elza

0812214xxxxx

3 O'clock Don't forget the usual place, I'll wait

This is how it has been since my meeting with Elza. I rediscovered this artist who was good at painting hearts. Drawing a new story in an old book. My friendship story with him met its continuation.

Around 15:00 WIB I arrived at the park where we often spent time together. Actually it is not a garden but more like a garden decorated with many roses growing there.

Scroll my leather watch, time showed at 15:05 but I never saw the figure I was waiting for. He's not usually late like this. Especially if he makes promises.

While waiting, I walked towards a big tree not so far away, whether the tree what its name is, Elza said it was a Mahogany tree that her grandfather planted first. The forerunner of a place that I will always visit every month, especially at the beginning of Ramadan and Eid al-Fitr. I looked at the writing on the tree “aku you are best friend”. We wrote it about 4 years ago when I first played to his Palace which I recently visited, especially on weekends just to visit with his extended family. He took me to this place at that time, showing the graves of his grandparents which were about 20 meters south of the tree.

Thirty minutes had passed and he did not come, and my heart was upset, but I tried to remain patiently waiting for him

Forty minutes, fifty minutes, almost an hour I was waiting for him, he was still not here. All right, I'll give you five more minutes.

Five minutes passed, with an upset heart I set foot to go home.

“heeeyyy tungguuu” that voice stopped me. A voice so familiar to my ears yet sounding weak. Elza Voice. I turned around, I saw a smile on Elza's pale face. He ran towards me and suddenly he hugged me tightly. My whole life just this time I hugged her.

“ma...ma...sorry me?” he cried so much “you must be angry right me?” “Please excuse me?”

I felt the teardrops wet on my shirt, I just fell silent in astonishment. A jolly Elza was crying in my arms. Why her? It's not usually like this? Does he have a problem?

“Ngak za... it's okay” “nothing to say sorryin”

I pulled her from my arms, and I wiped the tears that flowed from her eyes I felt cold as I touched her cheeks.

“where did you go za?”

“emmm... anuu.. **.ttadii...”.

“tadi why?” cut me up while I pull down on the bench where we used to sit.

“tt...ttadiii..”.

“ya already if you do not want to talk about nothing, which is important now you are here” back I cut because I really can not bear to see his sad face.

There wasn't much of a joke like we usually do. Today feels different. He just kept quiet and kept leaning on my shoulder. I wanted to ask you about it but again I could not bear to see it so comfortably leaning on my shoulder.

“how long have we been friends?”

A question that broke my daydream about him.

“about 4 years za, why?”

“you want to promise me one thing is not the same?”

“can... what the hell does not make you”.

“iiihhh.. I'm serious.”

“iyaa.. I'm also serious, two rius instead”

“you must promise that you will always be my best friend”

Pinta za to me by thrusting her little finger.

“iyaaa.. I promise you, I will always be your best friend”.

though in my heart, I expected more relationships than friends. And I put my pinky on her pinky.

“Makaciihh” says he with his spoiled voice adorned with the smile of his dimples that are so sweet

The time showed at 17:25 we also ended the meeting today, not forgetting to take him home. Arriving at his house he gave me a gift containing a rainbow-colored keychain that read “Happy birthday”. This girl still remembers my birthday when I forgot my birthday.

july 13, 2008

Ask him suddenly. I don't know what the word love means, love as a friend or what.

“ya.. Darling lah” answered me briefly while taking a cake made by aunt Sarah her mother Elza. The cake that was served in front of me every time I played to Elza's house.

Shortly afterwards he leaned on my left shoulder, both hands tightly grasping my left hand.

“don't be sad yes.You must be strong, firm and sincere. Don't be easy to play with feelings, if your love is lost there will be millions of other loves that come”

I was silent a thousand languages heard the words from his mouth. I don't know why he said such a thing. It's so weird. Does she have a boyfriend?, does she know that I love her so she says it so I know that my love is clapping one hand?, or what?

I took off his warm hand, I woke him up from his back, I held his shoulders and I looked deeply into his eyes.

“lo say what the hell I don't understand?” he just returned with a smile. That smile, the smile I've seen lately. A smile that was different from his usual smiles.

August 24, 2008

My days are turning 180 degrees. Now my days are covered with boredom. No passion to live the day. I've been living like this for a month since that day. The day I lost my best friend. Like swallowed up by the earth he was lost without news. I miss the frustration I feel for him. I sent him thousands of messages in a text, but there was no reply from him. Until the last message I sent a week ago, as the height of my frustration, I maki him in the message.

I often go to visit his house, just find out the news.But baby, there is always no one there, I asked his neighbors but no one knows where the family of Mr. Mahmud went. Where the hell are they?. Did they move? Maybe this was the answer to what he said at the time. But is it true that he left me without saying goodbye first. What kind of friend is he. It's so hard just to say goodbye.

At last a girl came looking for me at school. The girl was waiting for me 30 minutes ago at the stall where I used to spend a while with my friends before I went home.

The girl stood up from her seat coming straight at me when she saw me coming out of school. I was shocked to see her, upset and happy to see the girl. She is Lyra, a white girl with her hair straight shoulder to shoulder, she is a 14-year-old Middle School student, her sister Elza.

“Lyra.?” “where are you?” “aku search..”.

“kaaakk...” he cut my question in a rather high tone. And I was silent too.

“iya sis arentar I explained. Now sister join lyra” her voice is so slow to sound

“where?” ask me for wonder

“later also sister will know..”

Finally I also went with lyra riding a black toyota car either belongs to whom, because as far as I know the Elza family does not have a vehicle in the form of a car. With a thousand question marks on my head, I tried to stay calm and as Lyra said, I'll know later.

Either because of the cape or because of this confusion I also slept in the car. Lyra woke me up because we had reached our destination. I don't know how long I slept I don't care that obviously I want to know immediately what's going on. We arrived at a hospital. Yes. Hasan Sadikin Hospital. Ask in my mind, who is sick? Is…? Ah, it's impossible. Bad feelings approached me. But I try to ignore it

We headed for a room but someone who was a little old was holding us back so we wouldn't enter the room. He is Mahmud's father, Elza and Lyra. His face was so worried like one who got an ugly card when gambling. Mr Mahmud said that inside there was still a doctor who was checking.

Soon the doctor came out and let in for those who want to make a maximum of two people. It was me and Lyra who came in. Shocked was not playing when I saw that figure lying down. As if I can't believe she's my best friend Elza. Why is it so biased. Immediately I approached her, I held her hand and I rubbed her forehead.

I'm looking at lyra “kak Elza sick what?” ask her. Lyra was silent. Lyra just gave me a book she took from her black bag, a blue book with a picture of me and Elza in front of her volume that read Diary.

“i do not hesitate to tell the truth, you should read the diary and you will know what really happened to Brother Elza” said Lyra to me

Soon Aunt Tuti and her mother Elza came in. Lyra and I went out to visit Elza.

Outside I sat down with Lyra and her other extended family. And I started to open the pages of Elza's diary. My eyes began to heat up with tears as I read sheet by sheet which almost 75 percent contained all my memories with him. Until I finally came to the courtyard where my tears could not be held and I hid from the Elza family. My tears rolled down my cheeks. It was like a nightmare that Elza had terminal brain cancer and doctors had her age soon. I immediately closed the book, unable to continue reading it

Lyra holding onto my shoulder hinted that I should stay steadfast.

“actually sister Elza forbid me tell sister” “emm... she was too afraid that sister will be sad” “Maybe I have broken my promise to brother Elza, but anyway sister should know, because brother is his closest friend brother Elza.” Lyra's words made me sad. Did this really happen to my best friend Elza? The girl who always seemed cheerful in front of me.

I decided tonight to stay here. I told my family I'm not coming home today.

I saw that face again. But there was no smile I usually saw. As a close friend, I was disappointed in myself for never knowing this. I even accused him of being unfaithful when he disappeared. Without me knowing he was fighting from his coma.

Why God? why wasn't I the one lying there? why must he? I know you're the clicker. But do you have to take it now? I know it's Your destiny but can't you change Your destiny? I want to be angry with you, Lord. But what power I was born as Your servant. Where could I possibly insult you.

Time shows me at eleven o'clock at night Sarah and my aunt are still awake to see the princess sleeping. The atmosphere is so quiet. Only the sound of the heart detector was heard to enliven the atmosphere.I held his hand again. Hope he soon comes to his senses from his long sleep. Without realizing I was back in tears.

“za let's get up!! Sleeping with rich kebo. Cepetan za we go to the usual place za.. You promised to teach me English, za.. let's doong do not know I like gini..” still no answer from him.

August 25, 2008

Adzan shubuh's voice. So beautiful it sounds. More beautiful than the melodies played by world-renowned guitarists. I placed wash myself with water droplets ablution. I walk towards his house. I will stir up all that I feel in the strands of do’a that I offer after I carry out His command. I hope there is a miracle happening today.

Calm down after I've put it all together. I put my feet back into the room. There was a rumbling sound of footsteps behind me. I looked and saw some nurses walking in a hurry. They're traveling ahead of me. Why them? I kept seeing them who were heading into a room. “Astaghfirullahalladzim” is Elza's room

Without thinking I ran after them. That's where I was.

“ada what Aunt?” I asked Elza's mother.

“doctor is checking it” said Elza's mother. Even though I know Elza's mom lied to me so I wouldn't worry too much. But how could I not worry while I saw the look on the faces of all the Elza extended family seem to panic.

My heart began to worry. I BERTO’a, not only me but everything there berdo’a and hope everything will be fine.

The doctor came out of the room. Just like in soap opera when the doctor was asked, he just sighed and shook his head. We know what that means. Then Lyra and I ran inside.

Our steps stopped when two nurses held us, we saw the nurse over there pulling and cleaning the infuse yag mounted on Elza's arm.

Yeah, I know exactly what's going on right now. Is this the answer do’a me God? Is that how I am before You that You do not grant me do’? If this is just a dream, please wake me up!

I want to get to my best friend, I want to hold her hand, I want to hug her body, but what's the power of these two damn nurses to get in my way.

Lyra cried loudly, she hugged me tightly. Her tears wet my clothes. I know what Lyra's feeling. But what should I say to Lyra to stop her crying while I myself could not hold back my own tears that flowed without command. I was silent in a thousand languages, my spit was bitter, my throat was dry. The pieces of the episode when I was with him played in my memories. Like a movie playing on a big screen, so fast. The picture of my relationship with Elza is very clear in my imagination. Should all those wonderful memories end here? I want to scream as loud as possible but I keep trying hard, as he said I must be strong, I must be sincere even though I can not deny this heart is so painful to lose it.

July 7th, 2013

I don't know how long I've been here. Look at this big tree. The great old tree that bears witness to my friendship with him. My eyes did not escape the writing on the tree. The writing is still there because I often clarify the writing every time I come to this place.

I pointed my way south, where there were 3 tombs, one of which was the tomb of my best friend, neatly lined with two other tombs belonging to his grandparents. I always say do’a here every month as my apology to him that I have not been able to convey during his life before.

“so great artisan kak here?” the voice shocked me, a strange soft voice in my ear. Scroll that person, “Subhanallah” that face.

“lyra?”