Loving You Secretly

Let go, Then That's Love

“Where, can I see? Isn't he still bothering you?” Rizal tried to snatch my phone that I was holding. She stopped by my house just to see a message from Yoga, my former boyfriend. Rizal was my friend since we were in 1st grade Junior High, we were different schools. He's actually my friend on the phone. We rarely meet or talk on the phone. Our friendship runs quite lasting even though every day only give each other news through text messages. He is the core of everything that happens.

Not many know his figure in my daily dictionary. I don't want to introduce him to my world, anywhere else. I have absolutely no idea what his life is like outside, what his friends are like, or what problems he's having. But it's a little different with me. I didn't introduce him to my world but I introduced him to most of my life's problems.

We both don't understand this relationship. Either friends, big brother, or what. All kinds of relationships we both refused. I don't consider him a friend or anything. He also never thought of me as a friend he just thinks of me as one of the contacts on his old phone, that's it. “what else is it?, you are not bored-bosen dapet the problem continues? I was already bosen”.well that kind of words that often come out of his mouth when I start telling him about my problems, sometimes without me telling him he already understands that I have problems. Her feelings about my situation had started to appear even though we only related in sms.

It is cold and even frozen but behind the freezing stored a warmth of attention that is very special in my opinion. That's what made me so comfortable with him, he was also the only man who lasted the longest without a word of betrayal to me. His eyes were extremely cold yet sharp, like a shield. More like the eyes of Kim Woo Bin. For a normal woman it would make an unhelpful melted.

“Lu from where?” at that time I met him accidentally in the workshop where he used to hang out with his friend exactly at 16:00. Heavy rain at that time made my clothes soaked. He saw me passing by and then confronted me. His hand led me down from the bike. There's only me, Rizal, and one friend I don't know. It got colder, somehow it all got so awkward plus we all shifted that awkwardness by playing each other's phones.

Suddenly he picked up the phone I was playing “hey! What do you want?!” scold me while hitting his arm. He was silent for a moment and just looked at me, it made me misbehave what he was thinking. “do not toy phone. Will make it colder” he just lowered his head but his eyes headed towards me. It feels very awkward, maybe because we very rarely meet in person let alone talk like this.

“cua kebelangmu briefly”

“ya,”

Suddenly he appeared from behind, he took off his shirt and placed it on my back. I don't know what the motivation is, but it's very sweet. “drink, later you catch a cold, the cave does not want to sms its contents moan ‘aku sick?’” he pushed the wind to me. That was the first day I made sweet memories with him. His left hand was holding my head, I think he meant maybe some sort of hair stroking, but it felt very stiff and it was strange. “aaaaa” he bribed me to resist the wind.

“zal... I think it's a bit strange” I raised my head and looked into his eyes. I said it just to cover my heart that started pounding, I was afraid of the wrong behavior in front of him. “oh,” he just grimaced, now I know he was the wrong behavior. We sat next to each other, but were quieter. Sometimes I talk to friends.

Time is almost maghrib but the rain is still heavy. “I go home first yes zal, just trials not papa later directly shower. I want maghrib later my mother nagged, thanks ya reject the wind, dress also” I throw a thin smile then I turn on my motor. “ki,” suddenly he pulled my right hand and hugged me. I think I stopped beating, speechless, and confused. That's very fast!. “aa..what's up?” he let go of his embrace. “don't get sick. You weak woman!, already there home!”. I smiled and left without a word.

But unfortunately that real feeling I did not realize from the beginning.I did not realize my own feelings even to the end of this story.I just act ignorant, silent and deny all those feelings. we even oppose each other in every way, we even make all things that happen to be the same different. When passing in the street do not greet each other and it has been running for years without any agreement or anything else. To think about matters of the heart or feelings we consider that it is illegal for an unclear relationship.

That afternoon the air felt unfriendly. I was with my female friend, Ifah planned to go together just to drink coffee or soda. “eh ki, you ngajak doong guy, you know, who is it so not rich cave anymore blind date ama elu”. Ledeknya while sipping a cup of coffee mix that I have ordered. “emmm, okay bentar cave contact first. cave want to know lu ama temen gua”. “who? Gebetan new?”. “not it, he has been cave since class 1 SMP his name is Rizal”. Ifah was one of my best friends. I believe in him as a loyal and loyal friend. He also became my venting place for some issues, especially feelings issues.

About 15 minutes later Rizal came up with his familiar black blue motor in my eyes. Right after Rizal parked his bike I introduced him to Ifah.

That day just happened there was no impressive memory or anything like that. And the days after. Until the time has gone a year there is nothing different, everything feels flat. But I was able to enjoy that flatness by looking at the simple little side of just getting a chat from her every day. There's no problem between us. Perhaps because of our nature of being equally indifferent to problems, it might be more precisely preferable to bear the burden ourselves.

Until that day comes. Where everything has been planned so beautifully and heartwarmingly. Farewell, the day that I'm about to drop out of my high school that I consider to be my own prison. I walked through a long corridor that was quite crowded with the babble of the final level children with its graceful kebaya. I went out to get some water to drink with my classmates.

Arriving in front of the fence I thought maybe I was hallucinating or delusional. I saw Ifah get off Rizal's bike. They held hands, his hands wrapped around Rizal's waist which was quite proportional. Stop right on my right. I realize it is not a hallucination. “thank you already ushered to the salon, continued to be ushered to school as well” I heard that said Ifah. At that time, somehow the earth feels to increase its gravity. I felt forced inside and deepened until I almost fell.

Whatisit? what the hell is it? That always comes to my mind. Indeed, if you think about it lately I have rarely chat with Rizal, rarely play with Ifah. But all of that for no reason. I just thought that we were busy with each other's business. I opened Rizal and Ifah's social media stories. Yep! They've been close for a long time, but I don't know exactly what their relationship is. I was thinking about whether I had amnesia for a year until I didn't know what was going on.

I found a picture of where they were both away. I don't want to be so bad for too long. I dare to ask directly to Ifah. “kamu deket same Rizal?”. “Iya, why? You have been close to him for many years.I hid everything almost half a year, Rizal always said will tell you he did not even have the heart to see you hurt.” “hem? Meaning?”. “you are indeed a woman who does not care about the feelings of others. Are you aware that Rizal is tired of the name of the contact that always goes in his inbok every day. He just doesn't want to make you sad so from now on let me make him laugh, you don't even have any rights in his life”.

What kind of answer was that. Today is truly a farewell day. Which originally had a happy ending scenario but it was sad ending that dominated the entire atmosphere that I feel now. Maybe this is the path he wants. Because the real love is he who lets go for the sake of a smile. No matter how hurt we are. This is where I began to realize that feeling actually existed. I take it off and won't hold it back. Letting go without a clear meeting point, but I knew that he would soon find the happiness of his other world.