THE PERFECT TIME TO DIE

(CHAPTER 3) A THORN, NAMED GUILT

A THORN, CALLED GUILT.

I turned off the television, and silence filled in. Hunger makes me move, the instant food I eat, not enough to quench this stomach thirst. I got ready, and picked up a dim Hoddie Jacket leaning against a hanger that tried to look sturdy.

The cold immediately greeted me, as I walked my feet out of the house. I cuddled my body to ward off the cold of the night. My destination was Mr. Rosid's five-foot stall, which was not too far from my house.

I made rhythmic footsteps, a strategy to ward off the cold of the night. On the highway, I saw lights illuminating the city, and the city seemed more crowded at night.

With the faded party dress, Mr. Rosid greeted me with an uncertain face. Despite all her burdens, she greeted me with a faint smile.

I was shocked when Mr. Rosid suddenly grabbed both of my hands, which were still frozen due to the cold of the night.

“You came Rasya, you okay?” Ask Mr. Rosid to worry.

I smiled at those words, perhaps the pity upon which they were created. But those words were enough to comfort me in the midst of my solitude. I just gave my smile to Mr. Rosid, who was still standing looking at me with a worried look.

“Thank God you're okay.” Continue with a smile.

“Rasya, order fried rice Yes Sir.” My love.

“Yes, I made ya” replied Mr. Rosid who then rushed to make a serving of fried rice for me.

I also grabbed a blue plastic bench neatly arranged under the table. And sit waiting for my food to be ready by huddling with other visitors.

While I was waiting, my phone kept vibrating by a group chat of short class messages, which from this afternoon were constantly talking about the school fire.

Guilt was present, and stayed in me. And when I imagined their fears, guilt rebuked my conscience, and made it hard for me to breathe.

But then again, what is my day. I tried, and I failed. I just hope that time comes quickly and passes, so that it will be lost from their lives.

About 15 minutes waiting, Mr. Rosid also came with a serving of fried rice, which he then put on the table. He just smiled, and I was grateful for it. After that, Mr. Rosid was again busied by orders from other visitors.

Cold behind the hugs, I ate my dinner. Unknowingly, the delicacy of fried rice made by Mr. Rosid, made me forget for a moment the complexity of my life, and made me just focus on him.

Accompanied by the night wind, I huddled with the other visitors. And it made me forget the fact that I was alone all this time.

It felt reluctant to rush, it was all because of my fear of returning to my normal reality. But the rice on this plate was almost gone, and I had to finish my dinner.

After finishing my dinner, I returned to my boring scheme of life.

I sucked a cigarette, and put my foot into the house. A puff of smoke came out of my mouth, and I wish all the sadness would go with the smoke. After I got home, I immediately threw down my body along with all my fatigue.

And as usual, my memories began to invite me to play.

**

Remembering a fragment of memories from my childhood, a wonderful memory I didn't want to get rid of from this memory.

A memory that continued to be drowned by the waves of pain waves, and with my breath almost gone, I continued to attract her.

**

Morning saved me, from the dream incision that always ensnared me. The same dream, about the accident of my parents, that has haunted me for the past nine years. And helplessly, I continued to be carried away by the current, and fell with the nestapa.

And when I realized, I had already entered into the abyss filled with pain within.

As soon as I could wake up, in the middle of my daydream, I was aghast when I found out the clock was six more. I got out of bed and started getting ready to go to school.

After just taking a chicken bath, I only gulped when I saw my school clothes that looked tangled because they had not been ironed. Just cursing myself, for forgetting to bring my clothes to the laundry.

And with a messy visual, I left for school and broke through the cold of the morning.

The morning wind, jerking myself. I stopped my steps and took the Hoodie jacket in my bag and put it on.

My destination was the bus stop, which was not far from my house, I would later take the bus and go to school.

Waiting for the bus is a very exciting thing for me, because we can not guess, the bus is empty or crowded. We cannot guess, we will sit on a bench or have to stand while hooking hands to the goal.

And it was really fun, not like my life was like an alarm.

It didn't take long, and a bus stopped in front of me. And when I got on that bus, it wasn't like the one in my shadow. The bus was quiet, and I saw the look on the worried face of the driver, because there were very few passengers.

I sat in the back row of the bus, just staring at the window and seeing the busy world, that's all I did. And shortly with a towel on his head, Kenek Bus came to me.

“Ongkos.” Pinta Kenek Buses.

I also gave him 4500 rupiah, as a wage to take me to school.

It took 30 minutes to conquer Jakarta congestion, and I also arrived at my school located across the highway. After going down and walking for a while, I saw the school looked quiet and the school fence was closed.

I wondered if I was late and the lesson had started, but I saw the clock still showing at 7 o'clock less. I approached the school gate, and I saw an announcement posted there.

School's 3 days free, as a result of my school fire. Seeing that, I was silent too. And this is the first time, I'm disappointed not to be able to go to school.

I also walked like a ship that sailed without a destination. And I thought, how can I burn my time. Because for me, school has been a place to burn my time. Although I only spent time in school sleeping, but it was quite effective and made my day change quickly.

And I had no other choice, I set my feet back home, lonely and greeting even before I set my feet at home.

This silence drives me crazy. While my time was going very slowly, lost I would anger that sneaked in and pierced my chest. How can I burn time, that's all I have in my head.

Monotonous, my life is monotonous. Always the same as the patched scheme, the ballad of life is bruised. If there really was a reincarnation for the next life, I would have rejected it.

I don't want to be played like this. Maybe I'm overdramatizing things, but this is the only way I can stay.

With hatred being the fuel, and dissatisfaction being the footwear for myself rested on this earth. Although my anger cannot destroy the mess of my life, but I am determined to continue fighting will come true.

**