Mentari in the Night Sky

The Past: The Pain

"I'm looking for you at the funeral."

A voice I didn't want to hear filled the place where I was trying to isolate myself. Alvin stopped exactly 5 steps away from me. He tried his hardest to resist not wiping away the tears that fell on my eyes. He tried to ignore the biggest pain I was feeling.

"Then, what makes you think I'm here?" reply, surprise him. I guess he thought I'd never talk to him again especially after I lost an angel without my wings

"Zeta, now I can't read what's on your mind" he said, followed by a sad look. A look that hints if it's all over.

I honestly knew that I would meet Alvin either today or the day after tomorrow but still I never expected to meet him right now, the moment I tried to endure all the pain I felt. I never expected to meet the son of the woman who made my mother suffer on the day of my mother's funeral. I didn't expect to meet him because as soon as I saw him I was afraid that I would hate him so much because I already hated his presence in this world so much.

"Are you sure you won't regret it?"

I want to shut her mouth and leave her.

"My only regret is not hating you" I said.

"You want to hate me?"

"Yes, I really want to hate your presence in this world."

"You can hate me but please take back this ring. I know the feeling I have for you is a mistake. I know that."

"..."

"But I can't immediately change the feelings I have for you. My heart is mine but among all the things I have, it is only my heart that I cannot manage and have fully. I can manage my behavior right now but deep in my heart I still love you so much, I love you not as my sister. I still love you so much. I love you as someone I hope to live with for the rest of my life. I love you as..."

"Stop, I beg you," cut me off.

"Have you ever thought that all this hurt me? Just because I'm a man doesn't mean all this truth doesn't hurt me. The parents who cared for me, loved me, and loved me were not my real parents. The sister I thought was my cousin turned out to be my own sister. And what hurts more is the woman I love my sister too. Just like you, I also do not want my presence in this world, a presence that only makes a family destroyed. I hate my presence because my presence only hurts you. I hate him too. I hate him, Zeta. I can't even ask you for a second chance. I can't even beg you to give me a second chance like any other man. I just have to get rid of the feelings I have for you."

"Stop. Please."

"This will be the last time I say it. I love you, Zeta. I love you so much."

Alvin gave me his edelweiss ring and walked away leaving me with tears that began to adorn his face.

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