Mentari in the Night Sky

Zeta

“Do you still have nightmares?”

I opened my eyes slowly and remained silent while staring intently at the pair of eyes that had been trying to find answers to all the questions asked of me. I myself do not know the answers to all the questions he has asked, rather I do not want to find out the answers inside me. The pair of eyes still continued to return my sharp gaze, as if he would lose if he stopped looking at me.

“Halo?” ketus sapanya.

“The blue-eyed man who always appeared in my dreams, yesterday did not appear. The nightmare I thought came from him, I was wrong. His absence doesn't make me stop having nightmares,” my reply left him speechless.

The psychiatrist looked me in the eye again. He tried to plumb my eyes back, seeking the truth from my answer. There was nothing he would find just by diving into my eyes. I don't know when the last time my eyes showed me a story. I've erased all the stories in my eyes and filled them with emptiness. In the past, many people said that I was a walking book because all my stories, secrets, and feelings were easy to read but now everyone is saying that they don't know anything about me anymore. If I can, I also want to say ‘I also don't know anything about myself’.

Irene Jasmine Allison is the name of that psychiatrist, who is also my cousin's sister. I've been consulting or counseling with him for the past three years and there's been no progress. I knew sooner or later he would give up but I also knew ‘surrender’ was not a word he would say easily.

Irene always said that people will always make mistakes. There is no human being in this world who escapes error, all that distinguishes every mistake is the way every human being responds to that error. My only way to deal with the biggest mistake I've made is to try to forget it all. Only by forgetting all those mistakes would I be able to live my life again. But, for my family ‘forget’ is not the best way for me to live life.

“All the Light We Cannot See, read the book. I know you still like to read books. You are still the Zeta I have known all along,” he said followed by a small smile.

I was silent, not knowing what to say or do.

But am I really someone she knows?

...-----...

Zeta, a name I used to love a lot because it was a combination of my parents' nicknames. A testament to their love and therefore I really like my name, a name that will forever stick in me and my life. But the proof of love I'm proud of is also the biggest lie of my life. I had an accident 4 years ago that made me lose my hearing, not just my hearing but my vision. Just 2 years ago, I got an eye donor from someone who's had a brain death for 4 years. Even to regain my life, I got it from the misfortune of others.

I'm 22 and I had an accident at 18. The age where I just found out what my dreams are and the age where I have to give up my dreams. Not completely let go because now I'm re-learn my dreams at 18. My dream is to be a pianist, which is ironic not for someone who has lost his hearing. Actually it's not too ironic that I didn't completely lose my hearing, just a part of it still was enough to make me lose half my world.

“Sorry, I'm late,” said the man who now sits next to me.

That man or I should call it ‘suami’. My husband put a scarf around my neck, he also put gloves on both my hands. Now I know the reason for the delay. I don't know how many scarves and gloves he bought me during the winter. I stopped counting since last year because I had a lot of scarves and gloves in my closet. I was tired of telling him to stop buying scarves or gloves because he kept doing what he wanted.

My husband and I got married when we were 20. She was my fiancee and childhood friend. For most people, though, being married to a fiancee who had been arranged since we were still in the womb was not a surprise but to me all of those things were still a surprise because I did not know who I loved back then and does he really love me especially with my latest condition. Many people attended our wedding and with their mouths congratulated but their eyes showed ‘ah.pity her, must marry a deaf’.

Keenan Alexander Parker, my husband's name. The name that always adorns my days and the name that makes me wonder about a regret because I am also one of the many people who regret his decision to marry me at a very young age and also with my condition. I gave her a chance to run away from the responsibility of marrying me because with the face, cleverness, and wealth she had, it would not be difficult for her to find my successor. Instead of running away from me, she ran over to me and proposed speeding up the marriage. Even my family and his family were both shocked by the decision he made. A decision that seems rushed but there is no doubt in it.

“What did Irene say?”

Ken, his nickname, held tightly to my hand and we walked out of the psychiatrist's room. I didn't like the grip of his hand, it was tight and made me claustrophobic. He was holding me back from running away from him. Even if I run, I will be found directly either by my family or by him and all will only be in vain when I think of running from him.

“All the Light We Cannot See, she suggested I read the book.”

“Should we buy now?”

I'm shaking.

“Why?”

“I'm tired.”

Ken let go of his grasp and turned his body towards me. Again the eyes full of happiness that he showed me. I would love to see her sad eyes but she has never shown them to anyone since the moment my life changed. I once asked her the reason and she only answered because she wanted to only share her happiness with others. A very classic reason and made me stop guessing the real answer.

“Then, I'll buy it tomorrow. Now we go home and rest.”

...-----...