Mentari in the Night Sky

The Past: Psychiatrist

"The doctor hasn't seen you in person in a long time."

I just quietly observed Doctor Esme, the psychiatrist who always handled me, reviewing my medical records. Doctor Margaret was also in the same room with us because after all Doctor Margaret was still the main doctor in charge of my condition so inevitably she had to be there when I saw other doctors even then it wasn't his duty hour. Even I don't think Dr. Margaret has had time to wash her face in a hurry to come to the hospital after getting a call if I'm with Dr. Esme.

Even though I didn't feel the panic that I had before, Arthur still told me to meet with Doctor Esme to make sure that my condition was okay, something he should have done as well. He waited for me behind the door of this room and did not try to contact his personal doctor to confirm his condition. I wanted to call his personal doctor but I knew the moment I tried to call his doctor when Arthur would be angry with me.

"They?" call Doctor Esme gently.

"Ah.. sorry, Zeta daydreams."

"What do you feel when you see Natasha lying on her bed in the same position as your uncle?"

"Where does the doctor know about Natasha?" manyaku.

Only a smile was given as an answer. I know the meaning behind that smile, the smile that is always given by anyone when I ask from where they know all the things related to my life. A smile I didn't really want to give you as an answer. I wanted an answer in the form of a sentence instead of a smile that instantly let me know where they knew everything about me from. I want them to at least try to lie with their sentences instead of being honest with their smiles.

Dr. Margaret approached us and placed two brown paper cups. I just stared at the puff of smoke that adorned the cup without any desire to hold it or drink what was in it. Doctor Esme took the cup in front of him and placed it in front of me.

"A lot of people want what others have and on the one hand there is someone who doesn't want anything but he has everything."

"Doctors are insinuating me?" ask me after a while just silently observing the cup.

"Doctors have a story about a 5-year-old, a very young age to meet with a psychiatrist. The doctor who handled it thought he would tell her everything that happened to him that day but who would have thought that the 5-year-old just sat quietly did not answer a single question asked of him, it's like the kid's closing himself up and his emotions."

"..."

"And who would have thought 2 years later, he also experienced a loss in his life but this time it was not the same loss as he had experienced 2 years before. Finally, after a long wait from the doctor, the boy told him all his feelings and what he had experienced both 2 years ago and in that year. After that day, she covered up all the things about her memories, about the trauma she had experienced. He started taking medicines that were given to him to cover up the wounds he felt. Wounds that doctors find difficult to bear a 7-year-old. Does Zeta know about it? Or did Doctor Margaret want to guess what happened to the boy?"

"She must still have that trauma and I think she's still hiding her trauma, too" replied Dr. Margaret as she placed a cup of coffee in her hand on the table.

"Zeta doesn't want to guess?"

I only shook my head because I already knew the story and had no intention of participating in the conversation between the two doctors.

"What Dr. Margaret said is not entirely wrong. The child grows up to be a cheerful person, like someone who has never experienced a bad event, as if the memory in his brain is replaced by something new."

"He manipulated his memory? At what age did he manipulate his memory? How scary was the trauma she had?"

Doctor Esme did not answer Doctor Margaret's consecutive questions and continued to look at me.

"Where do you know that?" doctor Margaret was surprised.

"Because the 5-year-old is Zeta," I replied as I looked at Doctor Margaret who seemed quite surprised to see how she placed her left hand into her half-open mouth. I don't think Dr. Margaret knows all about my condition, whether it's my dad covering it up or someone else covering it up.

That little boy is me. As with Arthur, I didn't want to tell anything about what I was going through either but Aunt Lily's death made my condition worse and I finally gave up on covering it all up. I told him all the things that made me have nightmares every day and the trauma that I felt over my uncle's death. After I told her everything that happened, I slowly removed the memories and memories related to uncle's death, something I shouldn't have done.

I thought the reason I gave up and ended up telling Dr. Esme everything that dealt with me was because I wanted to eliminate and forget all those memories. At least I've told one person about a secret I'm trying to hide. Until now, I can't recall what really happened on the day of uncle's death. Even though I had forgotten about it, the last face of the uncle I saw and the guilt that appeared continued to haunt me even now. Something that I thought had only a small impact on my life, turned out to have quite a big impact. I can't imagine what would happen to me if I could restore those memories I've lost.

"And does Zeta want to guess what the Doctor will say next?" dr. Esme made Dr. Margaret try to stop this conversation.

"Zeta doesn't want to and doesn't want to know."

"The child becomes someone who cannot express himself. He made himself into someone who was easy to read because he could not bring out what was inside him and what he felt. He made himself easy to read so that others could help him feel emotions that he was not yet aware of."

Doctor Esme kept saying what she wanted to say even after hearing my answer. I think this time he really wanted me to remember the memories I had forgotten. He wanted me to overcome my trauma and the only way was to accept the memories I had forgotten.

"I think Dr. Esme has crossed the line" said Dr. Margaret, anxious as soon as she noticed the change in my face.

"Zeta did, and Zeta knew what the doctor was trying to say. The doctor wants Zeta to try to recall what Zeta had lost in order for Zeta to be free from this trauma. But Zeta thinks Zeta's gonna go crazy if she remembers."

"..."

"Can the Doctor tell Zeta the condition because Zeta has to go to IGD immediately?"

"You're doing fine. The doctor will prescribe some drugs because in the next few days you will definitely have difficulty sleeping. This will be the first time after 5 years that you stop taking the drug" said Dr. Esme with a bitter smile on her face, the real face I haven't seen in a long time and don't want to see.

"Zeta will have someone take the medicine that the Doctor prescribed. Zeta let's get out of the room."

I moved from where I sat. Doctor Margaret made me bring a cup of chocolate that I didn't want to touch. It seemed like he wanted to fix this very awkward atmosphere and make me not think too much about the conversation that just happened. I don't know, I don't know what's on his mind.

Ah, I forgot to say something...

"Doctor, the boy did not grow up to be someone cheerful. He only grew up behind the word cheerful without ever feeling real cheerful. Forgive Zeta who has disturbed the morning Doctor," I said before finally coming out of the room which made me feel tight.

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