Mentari in the Night Sky

The Past: Dress

"Tante is so pretty. You really don't want to see it?"

Stephanie gave me the keys to the room where mom was. This is the third time someone has come to me and given me the key. I already told grandfather that I wouldn't come to my mother's funeral and grandfather agreed to it without asking anything. Unlike my grandfather, everyone in my family tried to persuade me to attend my mother's funeral. They say the same thing, 'don't you regret not seeing him for the last time'.

"My regret is not being able to protect her smile," I muttered, making Ken, who was sitting next to me, stop eating.

"Zeta who put the dress on to auntie," said Ken finally wanted to end this persuasion event.

"Ahh, really?!" caroline was surprised.

"Easily people are confused when they see aunty is very beautiful," he continued.

"Have you chosen the dress?" arthur suddenly appeared and grabbed my plate which was still full of food.

Ken thrust out his plate and gave me a new spoon and fork. I stared blankly at the plate in front of me until I finally realized four people were looking at me worriedly. I lifted my face and asked Stephanie and Caroline to sit down and take the key Stephanie gave me. The two twin sisters immediately sat down as soon as the key was in my hand. I know a lot of questions they want to ask but behind the many questions they want to make sure I'm okay and they already know I'm not okay.

I started eating 'remnants' of food that Ken didn't spend. It was strange to call it a 'remnant' when Ken had just eaten some mouthfuls. Even stranger was that I could still eat something to fill my stomach when I should have been next to my mother. It seems like some people have been gossiping and given me the title of 'infidels'.

"I chose him but grandfather gave me a choice" I replied after 1 minute ignoring Arthur's question.

"The white wedding dress that mom wore at her wedding with dad and the pink wedding dress that mom never used, what was that choice?"

I'm nodding. William and Arthur had guessed what kind of dress the mother would wear but they did not know exactly which of the two options. There is no one to prevent or comment on the choice of clothes because everyone knows that at this time no one has the right to mother other than grandparents. There is no one, not even father, who has no voice over mother at this time.

"Why doesn't grandpa give mom the best clothes and prefer both of those wedding dresses?" chirped Arthur in disappointment. Same with her, I also very much want to give the latest and best dress for mom but all the decisions are already in grandfather's hands.

"Because those two dresses are the best clothes for mom" I replied.

"..."

"Mom really likes her wedding white dress with dad. Mom always tells grandma that you want to wear that dress every day" I continued, as Arthur kept quiet and looked at me occasionally.

"Then why would you prefer a pink dress that you never touch again after the wedding?"

"Sister Arthur, isn't it time for Brother to go to the cemetery?" cut Ken wants to end this conversation because he already knows the answer to the question Arthur asked and he doesn't want me to repeat the sentence I said when choosing a pink dress over a white dress.

"I want to cut the bond of destiny between mother and father."

"Zeta," called Ken while looking intently at me, asking me not to say anything more.

"This food is too sweet. I'll tell the chef as soon as the funeral is over" Arthur replied as the atmosphere changed. As soon as Arthur stood up, Stephanie and Caroline stood up as well. I think they were both waiting for one of us to go to the funeral.

Should I aggravate the current mood?

"I don't want you to be reunited with your father in another life. Enough in this life, I met my father. I just hope you won't recognize you with that outfit, the one you hate so you can't wear" I said, leaving everything in the dining room petrified.

"Zeta, I have to go to the funeral now. We'll talk about this later" Arthur said.

"Even if I wasn't reborn as a mother's child, it wouldn't be a problem as long as mother wasn't reunited with father."

"Do you hate me now?" arthur retorted as he looked at me with his teary eyes.

"Sister Arthur!!" yell Ken and Stephanie together.

"Can't I hate him?" ask me with eyes that slowly drop tears.

"Then what if he's my father?"

"Remember who you are, Zeta. You never taught me to hate someone. Mother never taught us to blame fate. Mother always teaches us to be grateful for all the things God gives us, including if there is pain in it. Mother always teaches to keep remembering all the good that others have done and forget every bad thing. Zeta, this isn't what I want."

Someone who had been crying all night and blaming himself, was it worth saying all that?

Ah, right too. Arthur doesn't blame anyone else, he just blames himself. He still follows everything I teach. It was very different from me who was slowly starting to hate the people around me.

I took out a cell phone from my black jacket pocket and put it on the table. Ken directly pulled my body towards him, making me face to face with him. He showed a worried expression mixed with fear. He kept looking at me while shaking his head, forcing me not to do what was inside my brain right now. I let go of Ken's handrails and turned my body towards Arthur, making the previously standing Arthur finally sit back down. I dare not look at Arthur and immediately open the phone, opening something that would be better hidden for a long time.

"Hi? Hallo's? Hi?" the voice of the mother saying the greeting in a different tone was heard breaking the silence.

"Hi Tayloy, is it weird to call her Taylor? No, it was a nickname I made for her and it was also a name that was inside her, not strange. Ah. I have to repeat it. Hi, Taylor, don't you remember if today was the first day we met? You could say today is another anniversary of our relationship. I've always wanted to celebrate things like this but you're always busy and yesterday when I went for a walk with mom, I saw someone making an anniversary party. I am jealous and envious of them. And here I want to try to celebrate. Do you like it? Is it too late to celebrate now? Is it weird to celebrate now? Ah, someone knocked on the door. I hope I don't forget what I just said." Mother closed her sentence with a breath of vigor.

"Should I know the truth today? Should I know for the umpteenth time if you never love me? Should I know the lie about you the day I fell in love with you? Should I start blaming someone? No, I teach children to never blame anyone for what happens to them. I can't set a bad example."

"But I can't. I want to blame someone. Should I blame myself?"

Mother's crying voice began to sound. Crying in a long and painful silence. Just hearing my mother's cry was enough to let me know how much she felt. The wounds he always covered up.

"I wouldn't be in trouble if you only met her, but why would you have to have a child with her? I lost from the beginning, didn't I? I'm fighting for a race that never even started. Wh why? Wh why? Am I so pathetic in your eyes? Am I so unattractive in your eyes? Can I tell you all this? I'll never be able to say all these things and I'll just keep smiling at you. This stupid love, the love I felt didn't even diminish after knowing all this. What do I do to hate you? Can I hate you?"

"I love you, I love you so much. Today I just realized that I love you the wrong way and I'm afraid Zeta will do the same to Alvin, to her brother. I'm afraid Zeta will feel tremendous pain. I was willing to take all this pain but would Zeta still be fine even after all the pain she had I took? Then what about William and Arthur, are they gonna be okay? No, I don't have to worry about them. They'll definitely prefer you to be their father even after they know everything that's going on. They are destined to be Allison's successor, your successor. The hatred that might come to them would not be as great as Zeta's. I don't have to worry about them. They're gonna be fine. I should be more worried about you if the hatred in Zeta shows up. You just have to accept that hate because hers hate could be mine for you. You just have to accept that hate."

"Should I give up now? No, Zeta still needs me. The kids still need me. Even if it's just a day, I have to keep living for them, to teach them more. Although it will be difficult and there will be many voices inside me, I have to overcome them. I have given up on the love I have for you but I cannot give up on the love I have in my life. Even if I have no desire to live anymore, I still have my children and both my parents. I never regretted loving you, Taylor."

"And I'm sorry, if I were given the chance to come back to life, I wouldn't have chosen you back. I don't want to feel this pain for many more years. I'm sorry I can only love you to this extent. Forgive me for loving you as if you were mine. And forgive me for hurting you with my love. After this, you will no longer feel the pain of love when it should bring happiness to you. I'm sorry, Taylor Henry Arthur Allison.”

"From now on, my feelings are dead. The whole point of my life is gone, and I don't know when I'll survive."

...-----...

"Mother has died far from before. My mother died on the first day of her marriage."

"Stop here or I'll hate you, Zeta."

"..."

"Dad?" call Arthur surprised.

"Sister Will, Uncle," Stephanie and Caroline said quietly.

"Father will accept all the hatred you give to Father, Zeta. I'm just begging for one thing, don't leave me."

"..."

"Ken, Uncle please take care of Zeta for now."

"Can only one time Zeta see you shed tears because of mom, Dad?"

...-----...