The Light of ANAS

Loving you Silently

Arfin POVs

Still Flashback

Today was the fourth day I was treated, and I went into the ICU because my platelets dropped and my Hb was low, so I needed special care and blood transfusions, both of my hands are each fitted with an infusion tube, one with fluid infusion and one with a blood transfusion.

Mami had thought to tell Naz about my situation, but I continued to forbid it, and finally Mami told Mommy, because she tried to contact Mami several times, maybe to ask about the problems that befell my relationship with Naz.

I don't know what Mami said to Mommy, she never questioned the reason I refused to get engaged let alone get married maybe because I saw my condition is very weak.

After that day Mother visited me every day, because during my treatment in the ICU room I continued to deliriously call the name of Naz and my condition decreased, Mother continued to encourage me to recover, nor did he tell Naz my condition.

I thought my death was imminent because my condition did not improve, but after three days of being admitted to the ICU with the support of my family, my condition began to improve and I was transferred back to the hospital room, because my platelets had started to rise, and the other infusion was able to be removed.

Now my condition has improved after two days out of the ICU, but this morning I received the sad news that Bude Hafsah died at dawn, and according to his mandate, he said, Mami says she is now having eye graft surgery to donate her eyes to Maira.

I feel very sad, because I have not had time to visit Bude and only know the news from Bang Evan, therefore I clean hard want to serve. But Mami prevented me because my condition has not fully recovered, but I continue to force.

“Al,, later there you will definitely meet with Naz, are you ready huh?”, Mami keeps looking for ways to prevent me.

I thought for a moment because what Mami said was true, surely there I would meet Naz, because he was also very close to Bude.

“Is it possible that it is time for me to meet and talk to him? There's no way I'm going to hang up our relationship like this, and he certainly needs clarity, but , am I ready for the risks?”, I murmured in my heart.

I continued to think about it with great consideration, I finally decided to venture to meet Naz. I also consulted the doctor during the visit schedule and I got permission to leave, because my platelets continued to rise and my condition has gradually improved, even I was allowed to go home, because I was allowed to go home, but you still have to rest at home.

Bang Evan told me that the body was about to be taken to the cemetery and he got word from Mina because she was accompanying Maira. I also asked Mami to go there first before going home. Mami who initially continued to forbid me finally obeyed my will.

“You are sure Al ,,,, is really ready to meet with Naz?”, Mami kept asking the same thing during our trip, until I was tired of answering her questions.

“Mi, Al since from the hospital also Al's answer remains the same, Al is ready with all the consequences”, I continue to convince Mami, he said, when in fact this heart feels heavy and afraid to imagine bad things that will happen.

Finally we reached the cemetery and it turned out that I arrived late, seen from the people who walked leaving a tomb, Mami and I walked to the tomb where the deceased Bude's body was buried. From a distance seen Mother who crouched with someone who hugged the tombstone. I kept my feet out without letting go of the man crying over the gravestone until I got to Bude's grave, I kept looking at the girl I loved so much and missed so much.

It hurts this heart to see him cry like that, I want to feel like I hug him like I always do, because when he is sad like that, it is only to me that he dares to share his sadness. But I realized, I had to be able to hold back, and she had to get used to it without me by her side.

I really can't take my eyes off her, I want to satisfy myself to keep looking at her because after this either I still have a chance or not. But when he stopped hugging his headstone and stood up, he raised his face so that our eyes could see each other, he smiled at me as if he was happy to meet me, I also wanted to return his smile even wanted to hug him, but when I realized I immediately pretended to ignore him, then squat down to pray for the late Bude, and he went with Mother. “I'm sorry Naz”. I'm in my heart.

“Al... why do you ignore it like that? he looks happy when he sees you, but after you ignore him he looks very sad and disappointed”, Mami asked me as we walked away from Bude's grave. I didn't answer, because I felt guilty for doing so.

When we were in the car, I asked the driver to take us to the home.

“Mami,, go to the parlor to meet Naz and Mommy, if they ask me where I am said that I am in lake”, I told Mami.

“What are you going to the lake for, Al?”, asked Mami.

“I will wait for Naz there, because after knowing me at the lake, Naz will definitely meet me there”, I said with confidence.

“How can you know, AL? What are you psychic?” , asked Mami chuckling.

I sighed for a moment, “That's our favorite place, and that place has a lot of meaning to us,,,”.

“Alright then”, said Mami.

Before long, we arrived near the home and Mami got off the car in front of the house next to the home, then the driver re-applied his car to the lake park which is only 300 meters from the home.

I went down in front of the park and set my foot towards the edge of the lake which is where I usually stay alone and calm down. I sat on the bench facing the lake, my eyes straight ahead, but my heart and mind were only on Naz,

“Will he come here to see me? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? How will Naz react to me?”, a few questions popping up in my mind. I was swept away in my daydream with a sad look.

Suddenly the sound of footsteps, which I believe is Naz, fear came to me, he was sitting on the other side of the bench that I was sitting on so that there was a distance between us. I did not dare to look at him or just look at him, so my gaze remained straight ahead.

Silent,,, no one opened the voice between us as if our lips were just locked, and only a breath could be heard. I was confused where to start, and suddenly one word just slid from my lips,

“Sorry, “, I said and I bowed my head because I was the guilty one here.

“Sorry for what? Sorry for which one?”, but to me.

Deg , that question was like an arrow piercing into my heart and made me realize how much wrong I had done to him until I hurt him, I was wrong to have never involved him in my life, I was wrong I should never have expressed my love to him, I was wrong I shouldn't have made him love me so much, I was wrong I shouldn't always be there when he needs me so make it seem to depend on me the ends I'm going to leave him, and there are many more mistakes I make on him.

“Sorry for everything,,,”, my answer is full of regret and guilt, so I can only lower my head.

“Then what about the fate of our next relationship? Does kn continue like this? Let alone to meet, to communicate was never at all”, I had expected the question to be thrown by Naz, and I could only resign to the decision Naz would make, I dare not say anything other than the sorry apologies I kept saying. I could only accept all Naz said, especially when he said that I had played with him and ended our relationship, this chest hurt to hear him until he cried, and I kept beating myself up in my heart when I heard him vent his heartache.

I wanted to feel like I was prostrating at his feet to apologize, but I kept holding myself back and kept my head down without doing anything, because I didn't want to make it harder to let go of me. Until the very painful sentence he uttered,

“Don't ever show yourself in front of me again, because I hate you so much, I hate you, you're the only one I hate in this world, let's just say we never know each other, goodbye,,,”, he said with a cry that left me.

My world seemed to collapse, my heart was completely broken, I kept looking at him until he was invisible again with the unstoppable tears that I had been holding back, I dropped myself in a chair until I sat on the ground bending my knees, “Everything is really over,,, I'm sorry,,, I'm sorry, I'm sorry Naz ,,,, I'm sorry ,,,, I'm really sorry”, I said with sobs.

Suddenly Mami came up to me and sat next to me facing me and held my shoulder,

“Al already,,, Mami has heard everything, you have decided this path you choose and you must be able to strengthen yourself, affirm him, strengthen your heart,,, you must be able to strengthen yourself,, Mami knows it's very hard for you, Mami will always be there for you”, Mami said trying to calm her down, and I kept crying in Mami's arms, as Naz's last words kept ringing in my ears,,,,, and I kept crying,,, how hard it must be to part and accept the hatred of the woman I love so much.

“Al already,, let's go home, your face is still pale and you have to rest a lot, let's wake up Nak”, Mami persuades me to go home and I also obey. I stood on the ground by Mami who kept hugging me from the side, and I stepped out of the lake with all the memories inside.

In this lake where we first met when we were sad, in this lake where we met again seven years later when he cried I came to comfort him, in this lake where I expressed my feelings for her, I was also a witness when we started the relationship, and this lake is also where we ended this relationship. So much sadness we have here, maybe it's the last time I'll set foot here, because it will only remind me how much I hurt him, hurting the woman I love so much and who hates me so much.

It has been a week since, since that incident I have kept myself locked in my room without doing anything other than daydreaming, lamenting my sadness, and regretting my mistakes. I always look at the photos of Naz and the photos of our togetherness that I print from my phone, in fact, I repeatedly played the video that he recorded when we were in Bandung playing in the game rides with Dandy who was in Naz's phone that I had not been able to return. Sometimes I smile, I laugh at myself, even I cry, like a stressed person.

Naz's last words kept ringing in my head, ‘I hate you so much,,, you're the only one I hate in this world, don't ever show yourself in front of me again ’, please,.

I drowned in a worse slump than when I had the accident first. To persuade me to eat, Mami threatened to throw away all the photos of Naz in my room, which always accompanied my days. My body was thin and my face was dull, bewok and mustache were growing which showed how insurmountable this was. Everyone who comes advising me has nothing to ignore, until both of my parents brought in a psychiatrist to deal with me which turned out after an examination and analysis of some of the symptoms I experienced, the psychiatrist stated I had Major depression.

For two months psychiatrists came twice a week to do psychic therapy to me, of course, by regularly taking anti-depressant drugs that were prescribed and after passing it all now I was declared completely healed. This is thanks to the support of my family, even Brother Fatma who is from America came home because I was very worried about my situation. Mother who silently always comes to see my situation continues to support me and from him I can know the state of Naz, Naz, that also makes me recover faster because knowing Naz is fine and has started to be cheerful again.

I can now live my life again as before and have begun to forget my sadness and rise from my slump.

I expressed my desire to return to America, and I contacted my former college and workmates while there to ask for job openings. But when I heard that, Mami did not agree.

“Al,, do not return to America again, Mami does not want to be far from you again, do you not care about Mami?”, mami continues to prevent.

“But Mi,, I want to forget everything and start a new life there, Mami can still go there as you look at the grandchildren of Mami and Kak Fatma”, I said persuaded.

“Ayolah Al,, Mami please do not return to America again,, you can take care of our family branch office spread across several cities,, is not Pi ?“.

“Iya Al, you can choose the one in Bekasi, Surabaya, Bandung, Semarang or Mining company in Kalimantan?”, Pak Latief supports his wife.

I thought of the proposal from Mami and Papi, which I had in mind the important thing to get out of Jakarta and never show myself again in front of Naz as he wished. I finally decided I chose a branch office in Surabaya because I had taken care of it. But I gave conditions to my parents to hide my existence there, be it from relatives or outsiders, especially from the Naz family. And they also met my requirements.

Now I am packing my things for my move to Surabaya and Mami has arranged my departure there and prepared my residence in an elite housing there. Papi asked his confidants to silence all employees so as not to notify my whereabouts there to other branch office employees, including to the head office employees in Jakarta with PHK sanctions for the violators, including Mr. Purnomo Aji who is none other than the husband of his aunt Naz was equally asked to silence.

Everything was ready, and I went to Mami's room. I sat on the bed, waiting for Mami who had not finished dressing up. I saw one of the drawers next to Mami's bed open, and then I intended to close it, but I saw a picture on a paper that turned out when I took it was a picture book.

“Mami,, who drew the sketch of this house?”, I asked.

Mami then stood up and approached me, “it,,, that,,, emmmm,,, someone drew it”, Mami replied with unclear, 'emmmm, then I saw another picture book in the drawer that was previously under the picture book I was holding, I took it.

”She said it was her dream home, the front of her looked minimalistic, but inside is a large house that is only one floor but with a high roof and contains a living room and a rather large living room to be used for family gatherings. He wanted five rooms in the house, outside there is a park that is equipped with one swimming pool but divided into two parts one part which is 1.5 meters deep and the other part is only half a meter for swimming children he said and there are toys as well, and the house is surrounded by green-forage like this house”, said Mami as if describing a sketch of the house even though it only looks ahead, but he explained as complete as that.

“Udah ah, let's go,, later we can miss flight”, Mami invites me immediately go and asks me to keep the picture book in the drawer again, then we went to the airport to fly to Surabaya.

For a few days Mami accompanied me in Surabaya and hired a housekeeper named Juminten, a widow in her 40s. Mami also returned to Jakarta, because Bang Evan and Maira will hold a wedding party after getting the blessing of Grandpa, and I will not attend it. Just like my best friend Dandy's wedding will be held tomorrow, I will not come, just leave a gift to Mami.

Day after day I lived my life in Surabaya which had lasted for a month, but still I could not forget Naz, because the more I tried to forget it, my love felt bigger. I put her picture and our picture together in my room, I don't care if people think I'm crazy, and this is what I do, loving her in silence.

I expressed my intention to build a house with his own jeripayah, and Pak Aji looking for a vacant land that is large enough to build a house, and he also got it which was not far from where he lived. I bought the land and built a house there with my savings.

Whether there was a whisper from where, I remembered the sketch of the house that Mami described the other day, then I made the design and within three months the house was finished in the wake. I also moved there and held a home party. I also added one more household assistant to help Ma'am Jumi take care of the house along with the garden and plants in the yard.

In the room, I posted photos of Naz, either alone or with me, even a large enough photo I posted on the wall facing my bed, every time I wake up, it's the face I see first to start my day.

I and Pak Aji's family became close, his children were often brought to play at my house, and I was happy because the house became crowded. I consider them like my own nephews, and it feels like I have a family here, because I have never returned to Jakarta, at least my parents or Bang Evan and his wife and children visit here.

***

Six months have passed, the end of the year work keeps me so busy that my eating and sleeping are irregular and after I finish closing the year-end book I fall, I get typhoid and hospitalized. Ma'am Jum immediately informed Mami, and she came to Surabaya to accompany me while I was hospitalized. After a few days of treatment, I was allowed to go home, and the next day Mami returned to Jakarta.

After breakfast, I took my medicine and then went to bed because the doctor advised me to rest at home to recover quickly.

At nine o'clock in the morning I woke up because someone knocked on my bedroom door, and it turned out that it was Mbak Jum, he reported that one of his children Pak Aji died in an accident, because of an accident, he woke me up an hour ago but no answer he said. I took a shower and prepared to go to the funeral home.

I walked to the house of Mr. Aji not far from my house, there were many mourners who came, and when I entered the house, how surprised I was to see that Om Rizal was sitting with Mr. Aji. I think very quickly he came here, I also greeted him and expressed my condolences to Mr. Aji, he said, then I circulated my gaze because somehow there was fear if it turned out that Naz was participating with Om Rizal, but I did not dare to ask him, I breathed a sigh of relief because all I found was Mother who was hugging Aunt Ina who kept crying. Even after the funeral I did not find Naz, I went straight home from the funeral.

When at home it turned out that the contents of my wallet only stayed two hundred thousand, I also went to the ATM delivered by an office driver because I was not yet strong to drive myself. Unfortunately my card was swallowed by his ATM machine, I also asked the driver to take my savings book home, while I waited at the Bank to replace my ATM card.

Suddenly I received a call from Mami who said that Naz had come to the house to ask me where I was, and he got word from Aunt Rahmi, if Naz is in Surabaya to visit the child of his sister Mother who had an accident.

“What,,, it turns out that he also came with his Mother's Father here? Then where is he? Because since I was there until the funeral did not find it at all...does he have time to see me and he hid himself because he did not want to meet me?”, Various speculations and questions arise in my mind.

----------- TB -------------------------------- TB

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It's a lot,, I love U all,,,,