The Hurt
Counting Days
“1.043”
Not felt, it has been almost 3 years I continue like this. Every morning his work just tore up the calendar that I made special with numbers that I wrote manuals up to thousands. But until the 1,043rd day, there was still no change for me.
Drrt..drrt…
“Don't forget to take non medicine :)”
That message from Rion graced my inbox screen every morning. Like he was an alarm.
—-*—-
“Ra..” I can't hold back my tears. I was sitting limp on a bench by the lake, right under a grove of tree branches that protected me from the drizzle of rain that morning.
Drrt..drrt…
“Non, yes, do not cry again”
I don't know where Rion knows that I'm crying right now. I wondered why he always knew what I was doing, where, with whom and under any circumstances. I always thought, is he around me? But I've been looking, often even, but there's no one around me.
With my eyes closed, I prayed.
“God, give me strength.”
Don't forget I washed the red roses in the lake. It then passed under an umbrella amid a humming speck of rain.
————-
“1.074”
I haven't been to the lake in a month. It feels so kangen. But, this body is so weak.
“The medicine has been drunk, right? Do not let forgetfulness yes :)”
A big smile was created every morning when I read that short message from Rion. In fact, until now I have never returned the message even though since 2 years we know. But he already knew the reason and he accepted it all with sincerity.
“21 more days” gumamku shrivel.
A single tear fell right on top of the photo. I'll clean it up and I'll keep it back.
—-*—-
“Honey, try this one” shirt while carrying a white dress.
“Iya ma” with limp I replied.
“This will fit you. Try yes?” with a sweet smile, my mother hinted for me to give it a try.
After I got out of the dressing room…
“Yeah, Dusk. You are so beautiful nak” mama sees me as someone who is hypnotized with her charms that are endlessly amazed. To the extent that the entire room turned to me and said the same thing.
“Any mother's daughter is beautiful. Perfect match with the dress” comments mothers who are not far from where mama sits.
“Udah, that's it, ok son ?” back with a sign that mom agrees with what I'm wearing right now.
Drrt..drrt…
“Surely you are very beautiful :)”
It was as if he was really close to me at the moment. Or indeed he has a sixth sense, I don't know for sure. Clearly, he knows everything about me.
————-
“1.088”
Not felt, on the calendar has entered the 1,088th day. Time seems to go so fast, without wanting to know whatever my condition is. I wish I could stop time, so I could enjoy my whole day without anyone bothering me.
—-*—-
While washing away the roses, I muttered…
“Is this the best way? Show me.”
Drrt..drrt…
“I know you're there right now”
Someone pushed me to…
“Iya, I'm here” send…
“Finally…
You replied to my message, Dusk :’) ”
—-*—-
When I was about to leave the lake, suddenly…
Drrt..drrt…
“Another week…
We'll meet again in a week, twilight.
And, in 4 days, I'm going back to Indonesia.
I've taken care of everything.
Wait for me in Jogj”
Instantly, it felt like my body was so limp that I finally fell on the grass. I don't know what I'm feeling right now and what made me finally reply to Rion's message. This whole thing confused me.
“I'm sorry..I really don't know what to do with what” I'm trying to say.
———–
“1.092”
Exactly H-3 from September 9, 2009.
Drrt..drrt…
“I've arrived in Jogja this second”
That short message made me feel even more guilty. Somehow I feel right now, everything is mixed into one.
That night, Rion sent me a photo. He was with his parents in Bangkok, Thailand. A smile returned to my lips.
“A..”
Drrt..drrt…
“May you sleep well night mini ?”
————–
“1.093”
H-2. Getting close.
Drrt..drrt…
“I hope you can”
A single tear fell right on my phone screen.
—-*—-
I can only reflect. The thing I always do every afternoon in the back garden while enjoying the twilight atmosphere that sends the sun back to the contest. So beautiful. Unlike me, Dusk is always decorated with clouds overflowing in every atmosphere. It is not uncommon to shed water.
—-*—-
Drrt..drrt…
Back, there's no power to hold it.
—————
“1.094”
It's H-1. That's sign…
Drrt..drrt…
“I hope you are sincere.
Dusk...”
I tried to hold him back, I didn't want to drop him back.
—-*—-
“Senja, get off nak” mama's voice calls me.
It turned out that everyone was waiting for me downstairs. Like a king's daughter, I walked with my father and my mother. Grandma and grandpa and the others were already preparing in the backyard.
This ‘Siraman’ event is a traditional sacred event of Javanese people. Because, if sorted, I still go down the line that used to be a big blue blood in the Keraton in Jogja as a Patih.
—-*—-
After all the events were over, I went back to the room to rest. When opening the room door, the atmosphere inside seemed to change instantly. Lots of flowers here. Especially on my bed. I don't know what this means, but I don't comment.
“This is my last night.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, I don't know.
With my own feelings, I was still confused.
I also don't know, this is the best way.”
Drrt..drrt…
A photo that really surprised me. Makes me really not able to hold it tonight. Until I realized that the tears were already well above my diary.
After a long time looking at the photo, I finally realized. That, this is my destiny. My way. I'm sorry, really sorry. After all this time I wasted, now I realize that this is the reality. The path of life I must walk, not the path I can only look at.
“I ikhlas” send…
———-
“1.095”
Here's time. On the 1,095th day of September 9, 2009, everything will change.
“I've sincere” mumbled in my heart.
Drrt..drrt…
“I love and love you, Dusk” with a photo of Rion standing in the middle of a stretch of candles that form the heart and sprinkles of roses in the middle while carrying a series of roses that are really beautiful.
I feel so impressed. For some reason, the feeling suddenly came back. The heart, which had stopped to beat, was now beating again. I held my phone in hope.
“Hopefully this is the last”
—-*—-
On the way, we were shocked by a shocking news.
I walked limply between the halls. While still holding the phone in the hand and lifting up high my dress, trying to go faster. All eyes were on me in every pavilion, but I ignored them.
Right in room 909, I saw someone I knew as well, lying covered in fresh blood. Unable to hold back the crying, I barged in.
“Rion, it's me, Dusk. I'm here” with sobbing tone I keep trying to say.
“Sen...ja...ka...mu...can...tik...seka...li.....deng........gaun........tu....” he said staggered.
“I'm here Rion. I am sincere. All this for you. Sorry me..”
Suddenly he opened his grasp and took out the contents of the small box. Taking my hand, he said…
“ini...buk..ti.bah...wa....a...ku.....sang....gup.....” that beautiful ring finally coiled on my ring finger.
“a...ku...ba...ha..gi...a...a...ku.....ikh.....lasss....”.
“Iya.iya Rion, I am also happy and sincere. You hold out yeah, for my sake”
“se..ma..yam..kan...a....ku....at...sam....ping....raaaaaaaaa....
Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt…
The mark on the monitor screen turns into a horizontal straight line. The doctor immediately took a device to help pump his heart so that it can beat again. As for me, it is no longer able to withstand the weight of my own body. I became even more powerless as the doctor turned and shook his head with a very sorry look.
“Why? Wh why? Why is this happening again? Why!!”
“udah son, patient. udah” mama tried to appease me even in a sobbing condition.
*In my memory, everything seems to be chasing each other. Remembering the events of 3 years ago. When my wedding was about to take place, my future husband Radit and I also had an accident while heading to the building. Radit had a very serious injury to his head, while I had only minor injuries and injuries to my head. In the end, Raditpun could not be saved.
That's why I closed my heart until now. I'm trying to be loyal to Radit. Because he was my first love. But everything changed when the time entered H-3 from the day of my wedding to Rion. But why, when I was able to, did it all happen again?
Finally I helped stand with my mom and dad. I saw a man who was so strong, loyal and sincere had stretched out stiffly with his white coat covered in blood was no longer alive. It was like a second slap for me. The deepest regret I felt after 3 years ago.
—-*—-
Still dressed in a white dress covered in Rion's blood, I attended the funeral that was done that very day. It felt really heavy, really bad to see him last time and this close to a condition I was not expecting. But back again, this is destiny.
To me, the world is so cruel. How not, He has taken two people that I love so much, in the same way.
“Rion, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasted you all this time. I'm still trying to get past. And now that I can, I'm sincere Rion. Butwhy? Why is it that when I'm really ready, you go and leave me? Why did you leave..” can no longer my mouth speak.
—-*—-
When I woke up, I was in my room. It turned out that time I was unconscious at the meal. All panic. They were afraid something might happen to me. Especially mom and dad.
“Senja, are you okay son?” Ask papa.
“You need to go to the hospital, son?” continue mama.
I could only shake my head and immediately shuffle in my mother's arms. My tears are no longer standing. Everything I put in the arms of mma.
“That's patient yes nduk. Single-minded. You must be strong. Mama knows, mama knows. You pray for Rion” said Mama.
————
After a week or 7 days we held a welcome event for Rion's departure, I finally made the best and toughest decision for me.
“Ma..I permission to the tomb first ya”
“Let's be won by Rani ya nak”
“Do not ma, Dusk alone. Twilight is fine kok” smiled and reassured mama.
“Ok if so, but be careful ya”
“Iya ma”
—-*—-
“Raditya Airlangga. It's for you. My last diary, a rose and a picture of us. I am so grateful to you for everything. Everything we've been through together and all the things that have taught me so much from you. Thanks though. Dan, I'll see you. I gotta go. I love you, Radit” while kissing Radit's headstone.
“Rion Dewangga Putra's. Here's a photo of a pair of white doves and a pair of rings you gave me. Your photo with the white coat in front of the guarantee chair and your photo in the middle of the candle decoration. Thanks for everything. Thank you for being so faithful waiting for me to open my heart. Thanks for your wait all along. And I'm sorry, because I wasted you. I'm so sorry. But I finally realized, you taught me so much. To be sincere and be able to face whatever happens. Makes me understand the meaning of letting go, even if it's very difficult. And now I can do that for you too Radit. Thanks Rion. And this is my last offering (while showing me the ring I wear), this ring I will keep on wearing, forever.” While kissing Rion's headstone.
“Goodbye Radit. Good bye Rion. I will leave Indonesia and settle in America to live my new life. And I promise, will always remember you and pray for you even from afar.”
My journey doesn't stop here. The wheel of life will keep turning. There are still many days to go through. And from this moment on, I promise I won't count the days anymore.
