The Hurt

Take Me With a Smile

“iya bun.. mother also take care of health yes..!! daaah mother.. assalamualikum.” I hung up from mother and immediately I lay down my body on a sofa. Today the sun is very hot, quite also the production of sweat today.

College today is not focused. Still mingling habits fitting holiday yesterday.hehe. hey.. Raisya Anindita..

***

Shaking my phone under my pillow woke me from my nap. I can't see who's calling, with irregular hand gestures I find where my phone is located and I immediately pick up the phone..

“hallo...” I replied in a very clear tone just waking up.

“You just woke up? Said he wanted to take an afternoon walk?”

“eehh yes.. I forgot. okay deh I immediately took a shower and cleaned up yes. you picked up aja.. sorry.. sorry... hehe”.

Turns out the phone from my beloved Rivanno. Since 2 years ago we were together.

“ok.. I go straight to sya. see u.”

**

“oiya sya... So you practice in the hospital where my aunt is? He called, there he could. But it depends on you anyway, want ga in the mental hospital. hahaha”.

“iihh.. you are. kok even miketawain.. but kaya cool so nurse people who are mentally ill..other is the sensation...hehe”

“yaa.. provided you are not crazy enough.” ledek rivano..

“haha. So you don't want to be crazy yaa.:D. Yesterday all the data administration I took care of”

***

The clock shows at 21.00. hmm. time feels an instant if with him.?

“thank you..!! this Abis you want to go straight home or where first?”

“directly go home yes. I have a promise also earlier papa.. kok kosan is still dark? Lara where is sya?”

“hmm.. earlier he sms he said he wants to go home a little malem, but did not say where to go. Maybe even back.”

“hmm.. You have gapapa alone? Or do I want to wait until Lara dateng?”

“ga do it. I gapapa kok vano. said you have a promise with your papa. Yaudah you just go home.” I replied while holding his shoulder.

“alah..you are careful yes.call aja gih Lara, say do not go home malem-melem it..”

“ok boss.. hehe..you are also carefully on the road.don't speed yaa..”

“iya dear.. I go home yes. you enter gih.” Vano pampered, and stroked my hair.

I walked towards the boarding room, but suddenly my left leg was painful and like a cramp, so my steps stopped for a moment. Vano who was still watching me immediately approached me with a slightly anxious face.

“why sya?” tanyanya while holding my leg

“eehh, gapapa.. Just a bit of pain a bit. ordinary kok. maybe aja vano.”.

“new Just ordinary pain?”

“iya.. already there you go home gih..” my command while holding his shoulder gently.

The pain in my legs did not go away when I got in the room. It's been a week like that, my left foot and hand are like that. Maybe it was because I was too tired.

***

2 weeks later..

I'm practicing in a mental hospital. I'm a prospective trustee, and hopefully soon to be a nurse. Amien..?

“Dok.. This data from the patient who is in the orchid room 03. it seems there has been a progress of the dock after 4 days he was locked up. Shouldn't we just let go, Doc? Last time I entered his room, he was getting used to it again kok doc.”

“iya let's see until later in the afternoon.”

**

I walked in the hospital lobby. A woman was walking like she was chasing something, quite quickly she was walking. It was Vanno's aunt. Aunt Via. Aunty Via is one of the doctors here and she helps me here a lot, she is a very friendly person and very dear to me, since mama vano died, she has been like a mother to vano. He also deeply blesses my relationship with Vano.

“Tante.. mw where are you in such a hurry?”

“eehh Raisya. yes.. map aunt left behind in the car, but it is necessary to make a meeting later. have you come home? Where's vano? How come you haven't looked?”

“iya aunty I want to go home. vano can not pick up aunty. he said there is an impromptu lecture. I can take an angkot aja kok aante.”

“aduh sorry also aunt ga b isa anter you dear.”

“ih aunt gapapa kok. there are many angkot.. “

“already deh.. be careful yes. aunt first yes dear.”

***

At 18:25 I arrived at the boarding house.Lara looked like she was lifting her clothes.

“Ra.. here I bring chicken noodles.” I give a package to lara. I walked into the kitchen, and my left leg hurt again, and I didn't realize I was just falling, as if my leg was numb at the time. Lara was surprised and approached me.

“Loh sya. lo why the hell. lately very often ration suddenly like that. Foot lo why?” Ask lara worriedly. Because I've been like that lately. But I still don't think too much about it, and just pretentious, yes even though a little afraid of something bad happening. But hopefully it's okay..

“gapapa cok ra. I was careless. hehe”.

***

Oh jesus. Why is this. My legs feel really sore, the pain is unbearable. Sometimes it is very difficult to step. God, I hope nothing bad happens. I don't want to make people around me worry about me. I was really curious. 2 days after that I ventured to check up to the Lab at a famous hospital. I hope something bad doesn't happen to me.

“Raisya Anindita's.. How long have you felt like this?”

“time I SMA anyway rarely dock, but the frequency increased about 3 weeks this is. So what's going on Doc? Is there a doc disease in my body?” I was really scared to hear what answer the doctor would mention. Of course I have to be ready for whatever happens. I hope everything will be okay.

“from all the symptoms you complain about, such as frequent bone pain in the legs and hands, the body sometimes weakens so that it falls, and sometimes like numbness.My diagnosis was Osteosarcoma nak Raisya.” The doctor looked deeply at me. My tongue is thick. My tears are breaking. Stammering me speaking.

“O..oo..Osteo..sarcoma? what is doc? Ju..honestly I just heard that term.”

“Osteosarcoma, bone cancer. but it's just a diagnosis. we still have to check first to the lab. for certainty nak raisya.”.

Without a word I left the doctor's room and my tears kept running megalir, never thought I had such a disease. Although it is still a diagnosis, but 80% may be true.I am sick. How is this? How's my parents? How's Vano?

**

2 Days after that I returned to the hospital for further examination. And it turns out, positively, advanced stage Osteosarcoma. Late detected.

Oh my god, when my body was weakened, I sat down loud the doctor said. Not a word said from my mouth. Only tears flow. I had chemotherapy, bought a lot of drugs.Maybe my leg was amputated? Oh my god. How will my future be? What will happen to my parents? What was Vano. tuhaan's reaction.why did you give this ordeal to me. I have to how is god..?

Days of secrecy, as well as from my parents, I could not tell them, I was afraid they were broken, I was their only hope. Until one day when I was about to leave for the practice, my legs really hurt, so sick. I can't force it to move. I fell down, sat down, and I kept my feet. I didn't even buy the painkillers. Lara came up to me and with her initiative called vano. I was disappointed with the attitude of lara who was presumptuously calling vano, I was angry at lara and forced to try to stand up but I fainted. All I knew was when I realized I was in the hospital. I was really afraid the doctor would tell me about my illness to Vano. And it turned my fear into reality. Rivanno knows everything, Lara and Aunt Via too.

With a bent face and teary eyes Vano approached my nursing bed, took my hand, and looked into my eyes, sitting at the bedside.

“why sya? Why don't you ever get to me. It's not a mess. It took your life. But you even nyimpen all by yourself.”

“Vano.. (i tried to sit down, and raised the face of vano). I don't want to worry you, I don't want to bother you. Tell me if you haven't told my parents, right, van? You haven't, have you?”

“how can I not tell ya. Obviously they should know, now they are on their way.”

I took off Vano's hand. Now what? I should how? Soon I will see your tears and your father's sadness.

***

I spent 3 weeks in the hospital, accompanied by infusions and all these painkillers. Father, Mother and Rivanno also never budged. I am sad to see them like this. It flashed through my mind at that moment to have the vanno leave me. And I told him, his response was shocking.

“apa yes? You told me to stay with you? Do you realize what you're asking for? Haa? You really do, do you think it's easy? You think I can?”

“Van.. Look at me, look. I'm not useful, I can just sleep here, maybe even soon I'm disabled, I'm not, my leg has to be amputated and slowly my whole body will go numb, lumph van. I've done van ancur, there are still many perfect women out there who can be happy with you. It's not like I'm gonna be handicapped soon. You know I'm not gonna get cured of Vano. All these chemo drugs just reduce my pain, not to heal me. Every day you're wasting your time here, taking care of my rich sick, you gotta think about your future van. Don't think about me anymore.” My tears are unraveling saying everything to Vanno. But I do have to, I don't want to disappoint my loved ones with my helplessness. Even for walking now I have to be helped. How can I make vanno happy. It's too selfish if I keep vano.

“Sya.. denger I sya.. if you lose your leg.. I will be your leg, which will be the tone for you anytime, wherever you want to go. I won't leave you, no matter how you are. It's all a problem. I am the same you. I'm a mophon, don't you ever talk rich to me. I'm sure you'll be healed. I believe God loves us. He won't take you from me.”

Vano's words made my tears break down even more. I can't see his eyes. He hugged me tightly. He loved me very much and was very afraid of losing me. But whatever my day is, the chances that I will leave it are huge, it is not impossible that I will die.

**

The more days I did feel my death was getting closer, my body was getting weaker, before I left them all I was anxious to see their smiles. I want to meet everything I love. Father, mother, Vano, and Lara.

***

Hi. I'm Rivanno. I will continue with Raisya's writing. After almost 2 months Raisya is hospitalized, I will continue, On Saturday it was exactly the day before our 5th anniversary Raisya left us all. Raisya left with a smile. He was happy to be able to leave in peace, because he had seen the smiles of all that he loved. Even if it was just a fake smile.

Still I remember clearly his words to me last night before he left me forever. With her pale face she said all that and shed her tears, it was the last time I wiped the tears on her cheeks and it was also the last time I looked into her eyes and hugged her warmly.

“Rivanno.. sorryin me. all this time I was a lot of selfish. all this time you must often I was angry ya.. sometimes I was too afraid to lose you, I was too afraid to lose you, max yes all this time you are very patient with me, I am very lucky to know a man as good and as patient as you, God really loves me. Oiya... tomorrow our anniversary yes.. we want a highway where? You want me to bikini some more cake? Hehehe.. ” I can only listen to his words. There's not a word I can say to him. I don't know why I just stared at him.

“Vano.. I've felt everything, maybe in a moment. I want, if I go, to take me with a sincere smile from your heart, a smile with sincerity and all your affection. So that I can calm down there, Vano. I don't want you to take me off with your tears and your sadness. I want you to continue your life.?”

**

3 Days after Raisya's funeral. Lara came to my house and delivered a box. It belongs to raisya. Lara says she found it when she cleaned up Raisya's stuff. The box brushed up my photos with him, all our shopping and dining tickets and receipts all this time, I didn't expect it to turn out that he kept it all together, from the beginning we were together. And there was a paper with my name written, and I opened it was indeed an inscription for me from Raisya. Maybe he wrote it when he realized his illness.

Rivanno..

there is no regret in my heart to know you

you taught me the meaning of true love

about the meaning of life and love

there are no boring days for me as long as you're with me

Rivanno..

my heart breaks when I find out this truth

I'm scared of vano..

actually I want to share with you..

but I don't want to worry you either

I don't want to trouble you..

Rivanno..

I really love you with all my heart

I was really afraid I would part with you

I'm afraid I'm alone there

is it selfish if I want you to keep me company?

what's wrong with wanting to be close to you?

Rivanno..

I don't want everything to be too short

I want to stand by you

marry you, be the mother of your children

preparing a srapan for you

taking care of you when you're sick

laughing with you, crying with you

Rivanno..

i'm sad.i'm ruined.

when I refused your arrival at that time

but I have no other way

Rivanno..

I love you with all my heart

there is no doubt in my heart

your name is beautifully engraved in my heart

I brought you to my eternity

I always loved you..

if I go later

take me with your smile

and all your love and affection