Love Me Because of God

The Red Heart Invitation

The street in front of my house was crowded by people. Some want to go to work, some want to go to college, some are just pacing. But my mind was only tracked by one person. I don't know why he's so happy to be hanging around. I don't understand why I let it slip in my mind.

The red wedding invitation that Dani gave me this afternoon I still hold tightly in my hands. Without the slightest desire to open it, let alone read it.

My phone rang while I was tidying up the face I was wearing for the prayer. Dani's name was on my phone screen. Dani. Just Dani. Without any frills or knickknacks of any kind as a decoration of his name. Unostentatious. As simple as my treatment of him.

“Put, I want to give you an invitation. You're home, aren't you?”

“Ada.” Answer's short.

“Owh. I'm going home?!”

“Okay.” Like I said. Unostentatious. It's as simple as my answer. Is my heart really that simple? Would anyone believe me if I said I didn't feel anything? Whatever, let only me know.

Dani was my girlfriend, but 10 years ago. It's been a long time, apparently. We just got separated. Without words, without speech, and without tears. I went to school and he chose a career. There's no deal. Even the words of farewell were not spoken. He just disappeared. I didn't hear any news about him until two years later his cousin who accidentally met me told me that Dani was working in Bandung, learning to manage the family business.

Without feeling the time is rolling. The age that used to be a teenager is now growing up. Dani's getting married in a minute. I think something is tickling in my heart. Ask to find out. Wretched? I don't know. Let my heart know. This feeling definitely bothers me.

A knock on the door sounded as I stepped foot into the living room. I paused the intention to sit down and continue walking towards the door.

“Put, it's me, Dani.”

“Iya bentar.” I hurried to open the door and found Dani standing in front of me. Our eyes clashed with each other. For a moment only the eyes spoke to each other. I looked at him from head to toe. The light blue stripes shirt, dark blue jeans and shiny brown leather shoes he wore were very eye-catching. ‘Wow, he's neat. Already should be the person who will marry look like this.’ my inner.

“Put, here's my wedding invitation. You came yes. If you can bring your girlfriend. Don't let it not come.”

“iya, InsayaAllah And.” A boyfriend? She knew I didn't have a boyfriend. Dani…

He was dumb, I was dumbfounded for a long time, pecking at the door until the sound of mama woke us up. I was choked and embarrassed myself for forgetting to let her in. To just relieve my condolences, I asked him to stop by for a while.

“Log in first And! Mom is both inside again watching. If you don't nongolin your face to them, then they will surely nanyain you and irahin me because you just go so anyway. You see, I told you that you wanted to come.”

“Hehe, his side.. Yoweslah..” Dani also stepped into the living room while I went straight to the kitchen to prepare a drink.

“Siang Tan, Om”

“Eh Dani, sit nak?” Mama's response was polite.

Dani who was already accustomed to the house immediately sat without hesitation. But this time it looked a little tense. Cold sweat ran down his not-so-wide forehead. I don't know what's going on inside his chest. I don't know either. And I don't think I want to know. Because I don't need to know.

I make cold orange juice to quench thirst in this sultry afternoon. All I know is, it's Dani's favorite drink. If I'm not wrong. It's been a long time since I wanted to know about him. Do you still like cold oranges or have switched to anget ginger coffee, like my papa favorite drink. I don't know…

I heard Mom start the conversation. “Fortunate once yes women who managed to get nak Dani. Uda handsome, diligently pray again.”

“Ah, aunt can aja.”

I heard my mom breathing. Suddenly I felt the atmosphere was so gripping. Scary kayaking in horror movies.

“Nak Dani, please drink first White artificial juice. Hopefully we can quench our thirst. Maybe not as good as the juice made by the future wife nak Dani, but at least White has tried to make it as sincere as possible” Papa said again to melt the freezing atmosphere. “White please, son?”

I flinched hearing papa's question. Where is this conversation going? God, give me the right answer. “Ah, papa. Ikhlas donk's. Make juice doank mah, small. Hehehe...” Papa, mama, and Dani also smile at my answer. Hopefully that's the answer you want.

While papa, mama, and Dani are talking nonsense, my eyes can not compromise just keep staring at Dani, nanar. Maybe it was because he was in front of me that my eyes should always be there. Meanwhile, my heart kept on beating. ‘And, I'm sure I don't love you. I haven't even prepared myself to be your wife. But why does it hurt to know you're getting married to a woman I know. Yeah, I'm honest. I'm sick Dan. But what is my right to feel this pain.’

Realizing my gaze that continued to focus on him, made Dani misbehave and then looked back at me. My turn that became erratic was stared at like that. Papa and Mama were just busy breathing heavily. “Oh yes Dan, out of this to send invitations where else?” Only that question could be thrown from my lips to remove this awkwardness.

“The plan is to go to the house of our Junior High friends, Put. Mmhh, Om, Tan, I think Dani should stay away. Afraid of not having time to send all these invitations. Oh yeah, an invitation to Om and Aunt tonight's mom and dad themselves will drive her. Said they wanted to meet with Om and Aunt directly.”

“Oh, yes. Om wait yes. Coincidentally Om and Aunt are not going anywhere tonight.”

“then. I beg you first, Om, Tan. Assalamualaikum.”

“Waalaikumsalam.” Answer mom and dad.

I drove Dani to the front fence. I looked at his back from behind. His shoulders are broad and firm. I imagine there will be another woman's body leaning there. ‘Huuuft’. I took a long breath. ‘Hopefully you are happy And.’ My prayer in my heart.

Dani rides his black ninja. Before he drove away, he left me a smile. Yeah, just a sweet smile. Without a word, he could speak from his lips. So did I. I can only nod and smile a little. Keikhlasan smile. ‘I'm sincere And.’ My whisper in my heart.

I kept staring at Dani until she disappeared down the street. After I no longer saw the shadow, I decided to take a quick rest on the front yard park bench. Just like I do now.

The heart-red invitation that was in my hand I fan-fan into my face. I'm not hot, I just want to play it in my hands.

again Dani's shadow paced back and forth in my head.

What are you thinking now Dan? What are you feeling right now? Happy, because you're getting married soon? I don't know, it's your business. But hopefully you're happy and your wait has been reciprocated by the happiness you'll get from him, our underclassman.

Suddenly my mind wandered into the past three years. Where you will come home every year. In addition to visiting your family, you also came to see me. That's what you said, that time. Do you know how happy I am to hear your honesty? But unfortunately I have no more feelings for you. Our past I have left far behind. It's not that those memories mean nothing to me, it's just that I don't want them to interfere with my life. So it's better to let it be an old story that I keep beautifully in a magic box that I call the past.

SMS-SMS dear and attention you often send. But I never reply. I'm sorry Dan. I ignored your feelings.

You tried to ask my heart again. But again I refuse you. Maybe you were disappointed, hurt, and angry at me at the time. But I don't care a bit about your feelings. I'm sorry again Dan.

I have a reason for every little and annoying thing I do. Including ignoring your feelings. I have a reason Dan. Although it's too late to say it now. But I want you to know. It may sound stupid and naive. It'sit's okay. As long as you keep hearing it. ‘I want you to be my last.’ You're so good to make me a girlfriend. I want you to be the lawful love for me, the love that will guide us in our search for the divine pleasure. But I'm not ready for this moment. This egokah? Ii'm sorry.

But unfortunately, you've chosen another woman for you to stop loving her. Am I late Dan? Or will I never be able to love you so that I am not given a chance?

It's okay Dan. Maybe this is our path. You should have chosen the best and the available instead of waiting for me.

Moga you're happy. I must have come on your happy day. Sure. I will come and wish you both happiness.