Love Me Because of God
The Meaning of True Love
Today is so beautiful, maybe because of the weather or indeed there is something that affects so much that today is so beautiful. His joy this morning and the morning sun somehow so different felt the grace of God that it was so great. Ah, it is true what Om Mario says if happiness comes from the heart.
Not understanding how to express happiness today, there are hopes and dreams that I have been waiting for will come, and that happiness will come to me.
How not, I will meet the people I love all this time. Today is the day I expected from before.
Indeed I loved him first but I never revealed or just showed, remembered the word of my religious teacher that the person who harbored his love for God until death was also martyred.
Although this love in my heart won't make me die from harboring it, at least there's pressure not to say it, prestige maybe, or what's the name I'd rather hide from him than have to feel the vibrations in the chest that make me weird, so salting, so it's not because of the poke.
One day he asked my friend if I hated him for always avoiding him even once when he hit me because maybe many times he greeted me but I didn't care, the jokes aren't about me. I did not understand why it was like that when in the room it felt like my heart was blooming after he greeted me. I promised myself I'd change my attitude, at least ORDINARY, but unfortunately he never greeted me again. It's so sorry it feels.
Given that those times were funny, how geeky I was at that time, even though I had occupied the High School, but, indeed, it comes since I was still sitting in Junior High out of what class he must be a man I admire, he said, and the seeds came from my admiration for a person who is smart, creative, has a personality of its own, obeys religion and loves his parents more than his mother.
Some men come to me, say love and ask for my love, but I can never because of HIM, because of my love for him, and because he's all I want. Enough of him.
Now I've been going for 1.5 years dating him, but we never met because he's been working in Korea for 5 years, since I was in 3rd grade High School and now I want GRADUATION. Hmmmmmmm the wait is quite long for me.
The reason for wanting to increase his family's life expectancy he was willing to leave his beloved country and leave me for that long, “JAHAT you!!! you know I'm really tortured, want to just see you can no longer”, but I'm happy because we can now be like this, like this, because of the liveliness of him nongol in cyberspace as well as I make us close and eliminate my nervousness is very, very excessive. The important thing is that he is my girlfriend now, he will soon be mine, become my priest, 2 more weeks I will be beaten by him, he said,. My family and his family have prepared each other, for the ring let us both choose it.
Last night he told me he was tidying things up, he would leave Busan (South Korea) at 7 am, my prediction would be at his house at 10 pm if the trip was smooth. Ma’lum is a lot of TKI-itunya.
“God in 15 hours, he's here and I'll see his face, see the one I've wanted for so long and I miss. Month count he will be my husband, I will put my love 1 saff behind him and I amini climbing do’a his. O Allah, you are merciful, merciful, you gave me what I had hoped for.
“Umi tonight neng can not go there tomorrow morning just let A’farhan can rest first” a short message I send to my future in-laws. And so I wanted to wait for him to see him get out of the car and immediately I hugged him like in the movies.
Today there was no message from him after last night he said he was cleaning up, and immediately I told him to sleep so that his health was fit at the time of the trip. I wait for a message from Umi later tonight, my activities today are quite crowded I was asked to train Junior High School Scouts and help TU Staff at school if my time is empty. Indeed, now my college is not so time consuming, just waiting for graduation.
Night has arrived but there is no message or phone from anyone, umi, abah and Sinta also no message, whereas yesterday-yesterday this child continues to surprise me, Sinta her sister A’Farhan is funny, it is funny, he's a little aggressive unlike I used to be so geeky, it's easy for me to get close to him.
I thought maybe tonight they were busy, like tomorrow morning just told me.
5 Hours, 6 hours, 7 hours, 8 hours…
I waited for news but no one told me if they were too subdued with their respective feelings so that there was no time to contact me, all my activities were done but there was no news from them as well, the sun has already manifested itself completely, ah maybe this is not too early to contact umi.
“halo asalamualaikum”
“walaikumsalam neng”
“umi how has A’Farhan come?”
“it's precisely neng Farhan until now there is no news, Grace has called to her number from last night but is not active, is it possible this morning ya neng?” (Rahmat is the eldest son of the Farhan family)
Astagfirulohaladzimm what may not happen bad to my lover. “hmm oh may still be on the way umi, usual if TKI car likes to get there first, then, looks like this morning maybe umi we just wait”. I said to lift the heart of Umi while calming my heart as well.
“ia may neng, umi please do’a so Farhan can be safe until home”
Without asking I always mendo’annya because of the cry of love from my heart that makes me always ask God to take care of him. “Ia umi we both do’a so that A’farhan is safe until home, now umi calm down first noon neng to home, A’Farhan will not be why-why ko umi, umi take it easy” said I calm umi even though in my heart it is not because.
“He said Thanks, later here ya neng”
“ia umi, later go there, neng hang up ya mi, asalamualaikum”
“waalaikumsalam”
Noon I went to the farhan house, at home still quiet, food that last night umi cook seemed to have become stale, noon, afternoon, until nightfall there was no news from readyapum. We're getting anxious I can't imagine what if something bad happened to her.
The next night I decided to go home, empty and in disrepute. I say do’a to the Almighty God, asking for His mercy on me. I founded Hajat prayer and I chanted verses of the Quran, only this can make me calmer.
My phone rang early in the morning. Call from my sister-in-law Sinta
“asalamualaikum, Nta”
“waallaikumsalam.. teh” replied in a different voice.
“Nta why? What a cry, dear. Why” my mind was immediately fixed on Farhan
“there was a call last night from Cipto hospital, early in the morning same a’Get go there”
“Yes-God, they said what Nta, who was in the accident who was in the hospital?”.
“A’Farhan te”
It felt like something had fallen from my chest into my stomach, my legs and hands were weak but I tried to strengthen them.
“Teteh can come here, Umi from earlier cry on Nta can not calm”
The feeling that once was still shy to come to his house is no longer. Even against the president I would be brave if I tried to hide my current Farhan.
Seeing Umi like this I can only be quiet. Sometimes my tears trickled when I heard the grievances of Umi, how she wanted to see her son, we seemed to know what would happen the difference between Umi pouring out with her cries while I poured out with my silence. My heart was kind of put in the fridge, and now it's frozen.
I tried to contact A’Rahmat but he was so covering up what happened, they just said he was on the road and soon to come.
At exactly 4pm an ambulance stopped in front of Farhan's house, He. abah and A’Rahmat came out of the car and a driver, they pulled out a corpse. The bodies of people I love. The man I was waiting for his arrival. The person I expected his attention to. When he saw it, the heart that had frozen as if it had fallen out of place, it hurt so much. The pain made me unable to stand, my head hurt so much and my vision suddenly disappeared.
When it dawned that I knew just wanted to chase after him, but I was unable to even stand up, “don't until tears trickle down the corpse” said one of the people I don't know who. I don't know what I've done, my mother held my hand so hard it hurt.
“mahhhh..” that's a word I consciously put out.
“patient Zahra patient.. You can't be like this, maybe he's not your mate”.
“zahra wants to see in mah, don't block Zahra again, Zahra cape”
“ia dear mamah will not stop you again, but you must realize, this is destiny son. Don't let your tears touch the Kasian zenajah he”
“why she is evil same zahra mah”
“engga darling she is not evil”
“she said, she would always accompany Zahra wherever zahra went, would love Zahra with all her heart, she would take care of Zahra, but she was lying mah. He lied..” My words while constantly crying.
Long width my mother explained but all I can see is only one sentence which is “doh, rizki, that age is in the hands of Lord”.
At what time I don't know, I tried to dare to look at the body. I tried to sibak a little shroud that blocked his face, his face white with cotton on his nose and ears, I tried to gently touch his cheeks, he said,
This is the body that I love now is no longer alive. I always imagined touching her gently but unlike this, she would be buried soon and I would never see her again, I had never been in the slightest touch with her and I had never seen her face this close. Feeling everything like this hurts a lot.
I try hard to face the reality even though I can not, how can I dream that is in plain sight is now away and lost forever. The love in my heart made me feel so much pain, why God tested me like this. Growing a deep sense of love in showing those dreams and taking them for granted.
Then I went through my days very very empty, I no longer care about my activities, I was no longer sensitive to my environment, but I still realized I was not crazy, but life is so empty, he said, whatever food I eat does not become energy in my body, as a result of which I often get sick.
My body is getting weaker I've been 1 week in the Hospital, exactly 2 weeks after Farhan's departure, “should be today's day of our parents”, imagine it makes me worse. I thought I was going to die soon, maybe this is the way God destined me to meet Farhan in heaven. But I have been so FOOLISH for a week that I have not done my duty as a Muslim, perhaps because of my wrath because of Allah, I have sinned terribly.
I've been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. The doctor, Ustadz, the Physician could not cure my illness until one day my college friend came, she was Fatimah's best friend who always accompanied me. When I see it I can try to smile, softly said he made me able to express what my burden at that time, indeed if telling him I always feel calm.
But this time he was so angry…
“plakkkk... My cheek she slapped so hard”.
“why? Am I wrong, God has played me, I never asked to love him I never” said in a high tone.
“you think you ever asked to be brought to life in this world, or you ever asked to be created in a perfect state, did you ever” with a higher tone of voice than me.
“if you don't accept all this why don't you just die, so that you stay in HELL”
The word HELL was as if being a whip of lightning that touched my heart, I was so snapped with his words, yet I retaliated yet he had already scolded me with such a frightening word.
“you don't know yourself, how can you do all this, you see she's the one who gave birth to you don't think how much pain she sees you like this. You think your love for Farhan is greater than your mother's love for you, you are Zahra's fool, you are so stupid, how can you love people more than you love your God, who created your heart WHO?”
“I NEVER ASKED TO LOVE HIM I NEVER”
“Your thoughts are narrow Zahra, do you think you will be able to live happily with your Romeom in hell?, can you. Who can you turn to your Lord? Aware this Zahra is just a trial do you not remember the verse al’quran Surat Al-Ankabuut Verse 2&3 You forgot Zahra?”
“Does the human being think that they are left (only) say “we have faith”, while they are not tested again? And verily we have tested those who were before them, then verily Allah knows the truthful and verily He knows the liars”. Surat Al-Ankabuut verse 2&3 comes to my mind, concluding that I am one of the liars.
“You were killed by your dreams, you let your love for that man without your control when you sinned for having loved him more than you love your Lord, you let those dreams grow, you let them grow, you expect too much and you forget the direction, you think God who gives that much love in your heart, you think God who grows your dreams, not Zahra, Zahra, you're on a try you should be able to control.”
“you know this?” his right palm was stretched out right in front of my chin. “this is the breath that will be reckoned with in the afterlife, you see the sick people in this hospital are expecting health but you are rejecting that health, without you realizing you have wasted your time with that sadness. What are your dreams Zahra? Wh-wh-what for? God has created you with a life so beautiful, not necessarily he is a good Brotherhood for you, “You may hate something when it is very good for you and you may like something even though it is very bad for you Allah is all-knowing while you do not know” (Al-Baqoroh verse 216)
The words of Fatimah seemed to be clearly imprinted in my mind, right I am very.. A FOOL can stand in this place. I've been wrong thinking and I've been wrong, I've been very sinful. I am ashamed of God, ashamed of my actions, ashamed of my unworthy wrath.
I looked towards Fatimah, saw her eyes that were shedding tears, I did not know what she was talking about anymore, her words were enough to be a warning whip for me, I could only cry, I could only cry, I just cried and I kept crying tears kept dripping down my hijab. “Yes Allah forgive me” I said as I hugged my knees bent in the bed base of the hospital bed. Fatimah and my mother told me they were crying.
“Allahumma arinal haq-qa haq-qa, war zuqnat arrived’a, wa arinal bathila bathila war zuqnat tinaba, “Ya Allah, show me my true head is true and give us the ability to follow it, don show me that the bathil is bathil, and give us the ability to stay away.” moans do’ me to Allah SWT. I began to turn it all around, reverse the wrong direction, turn to the right path. May Allah forgive all my sins.
I began to be a little sensitive again to my environment, I will no longer waste the happiness that God has given me, my health gradually improved, my skin looks more radiant, my face looks more radiant, my bones are not so visible anymore indicates there is additional flesh covering.
There wasn't much I could do, however this feeling still existed for Farhan, but I didn't think of the sadness because there was too much happiness I had, she said, how can I be sad while the sun this morning is so cheerful to give the light for me to enjoy.
Next I decided to go to Yogyakarta, study at Sunan Kalijaga State Islamic University by majoring in Aqidah and Philosophy. I want to love God with all my heart, all my soul and my body.
