Love Me Because of God

Hallows Sukabumi

Tonight the bus returned to take me to Sukabumi. I enjoy every road. This road is a memory lane. When I drown in the love of someone who is no longer beside me. Someone I thought would be my last love. Someone who made me someone else. Someone who changed every step of my life. A person who ended up choosing another love in his life and erased every story that I carved in his heart.

I am aware of every single error sheet I have written for him. That realization came when he closed his heart to me. So many mistakes I made when she became my girlfriend.

But my spirit came back when I entered the room in my college. Now it's just an ideal that's been immersed in my brain. I must be able to rise from the blackness of the past. I had to carve out every dream that would be my future.

Time had completely erased his shadow from my mind. I have been able to sweep away every strand of his love in my heart and I have been ready to open my heart to anyone other than him.

From now on, I can't remember it anymore and I have to focus on my ideals. Though joking jest adorns the class tonight. I still have to seriously study and absorb every science given by my lecturers.

After passing two courses tonight, it's time for me to return to my beloved city, Cianjur. I walked with a smile towards the bus stop. Without this, I immediately took a bus that was sitting near my campus. I sat on the fourth bench from behind the driver. I sat down sweetly and leaned back into the chair.

Today was exhausting but also fun. I don't know why I always feel the freedom of the heart when I study in college. My heart always felt peaceful to make friends with my college friends.

Although Sukabumi once kept my bad memories with someone, but I always feel calm when silent in this city. I never felt anxious or worried when I had to go back to this city. As well as how I feel right now, my heart feels very calm. My activities today, from work to evening college, put me to sleep on this silent bus.

Until the bus drove me home, I was still asleep.

“Neng, fare Neng!” the bus director said as he patted my shoulder.

I slowly opened my eyes and collected the lives that had just passed through the dream world. Then I took ten thousand rupiahs out of my pocket and gave them to the conductor. The conductor just passed by.

“Mang, where's the change?” I shouted to the conductor.

“What's back, Neng?” reply the conductor who is still pulling the fare from other passengers who sit on the front bench.

“Normally also six thousand!” I started to moan and get upset.

“This is the last bus, Neng. So the cost is different.”

“Yes, usually also six thousand. If the night I always take the last bus, take the Sangkuriang bus only the cost is six thousand,” I am more upset with the bus conductor.

The bus conductor did not speak to me, he even grumbled to the bus driver, “Da ieu mah lain beus Sangkuriang atuh!” The bus conductor said that this bus is not Sangkuriang bus.

“Normally six thousand, huh? Where did Teteh come from?” ask a man sitting next to me.

Without noticing his face I replied to his question, “Iya, usually also six thousand. Every Tuesday and Wednesday I always come home at night and the fare is always six thousand.

“Where is it from?”

“Lecture,” my answer is short.

Then we fell silent in silence. I glanced at the view of the road at night from behind the bus window. The night was so silent, as silent as my heart after the departure of the one who used to enliven my heart.

Buses continue to drive through the streets that began to be quiet from visitors driving. Time continued to tick near the night and cold. While I kept pensive looking at every loneliness that night. I can only rely on God for the fate of my love. But I remain convinced that God will give the beauty of love in due time.

Maybe it's time I went back to God and stopped thinking about that love. A love that has blinded my mind and eyes. Maybe it's time for me to return to the firmness of my faith. Love for others only makes my heart run low. But love for God must always be beautiful even though the path that must be taken is not as beautiful as hope and desire.

—

The man next to me was really disturbing my silence. He kept laughing. Then I glanced at him, the man was photographing the expression of his sleeping friend on the order of the neighboring bench. The man turned towards me. We looked at each other, the man smiled at me. Hadeuh! The man next to me wasn't as bad as I thought. Her face was beautiful and more beautiful when she smiled. Her dimples became the sweetener of her smile.

Unable to look at her for too long, I turned my gaze back towards the window without returning her smile. I looked back into the darkness of the night out there. But what I'm thinking about now is not the past, but the beauty of God's creatures that are with me on the bus tonight.

Not felt, soon the bus will approach my stopover. I'm getting ready to get off the bus. I passed by leaving the man without a smile, without a word coming from my lips, and without looking at his face too beautiful to look at.

I was standing in front of the bus conductor who had disappointed me. Until at the junction of hayam sand, I prepared to get off the bus immediately by putting on a super jutek face. I feel sick of seeing the dishonest conductor's face.

“Be careful, Neng!” said the bus director with a nasty flirt.

Steady. I put on high heels and casually I vented my irritation on the conductor. I accidentally stepped on the foot of the director.

“Aw!” shouted the director, as soon as he glared at me.

“Sorry, Sir! I accidentally,” I got off the bus without seeing his muscle. I felt so relieved, the anger that I had been feeling during my stay on the bus I had let go. I accidentally stepped on the foot of the director.

As usual, my subscription ojeg approached me shortly after I got off the bus. I immediately boarded the ojeg without saying, because the ojeg in this area already know me and used to drive me home.

The wind blew my body. Ah, that man's face adorns my mind. The man in the red jacket was beautiful. I'm sorry I didn't talk to him much on the bus. I regret not getting to know him. When I saw her smile, I hoped she would get me acquainted. But no, he was just as quiet as I was.

Ah, the man in the red jacket! The man started to decorate my brain. Until I got home, I was still thinking about it.

God, she's so beautiful. From that momentary glance, I saw the goodness within him. May You bring us back together because this heart is so sure that this is love, love at first sight. God, I really want it. May you do something beautiful for me and for her. Amyn.

—

After college, I sat on a bench that was available in front of campus. I was waiting for the bus to take me home. I closed my eyes, inhaled the night air of Sukabumi city and listened to every rhythm of vehicles passing in front of me.

I still remember every smile that emanated from the face of the man in the red jacket. I whispered in my heart, “Hai, the man in the red jacket I never knew was real! I hope tonight's bus will reunite me with a figure like you, even if only with your shadow is able to muffle my past that feels sad. Although these eyes only look at you in one blink, these eyes are capable of storing your beautiful portraits. Although this ear only hears your superficiality about me, it still always hears your gentle whispers. Even though your hand never touched anything I had, I always felt your heartfelt warm caress for me. And although I did not believe in love at first sight, this time I began to believe in seeing the beauty that emanated from your soul.”

Slowly I opened my eyes. How surprised I was to see a man sitting next to me. I looked at him and he looked at me, we looked at each other. The man in the red jacket was sitting next to me. Beautiful, she's too beautiful to look at. He was able to make me blush embarrassed to look at him. Immediately, I turned my gaze away from her beautiful smile. The dimples on her cheeks made my heart tremble even more. There is love in every vibration.

“Alan!” shouted a woman who had just come out from the campus.

The man in the red jacket was named Alan. Then, who was the woman who called him and was probably waiting for him earlier? I could only be silent to see Alan approaching the woman. Alan then left me riding his blue motorbike. He passed by with a woman who I thought was prettier than me.

I went back to thinking about the man in the red jacket. Maybe he's not my soul mate. Our brief encounter was just my momentary happiness. Happiness for me forgetting the past in one breath.

While I was still looking at the passing vehicle. I'm still faithfully waiting for the bus that will take me home to my real city. The city that always gives me reality in life. Cianjur bersemi, my hometown that never gave me imaginary stories. Unlike the city of Sukabumi which has always been a stopover from my dreams which are only the flower of this mind. All the beauty of Sukabumi city is just a dream in every fantasy.

I walked over to a middle-aged man who was none other than the parking attendant on campus. I was gonna ask you about the last bus tonight. “Punten, Sir! Last bus is over or not? I've been waiting for an hour, but no bus has passed.

“Wait a minute, Neng! Usually mah still exist.”

I'm back faithfully waiting for the bus tonight. The lights illuminating the campus began to be extinguished. I sat alone and remained silent in silence. I kept looking out at the street. Suddenly a motorized man stopped in front of me. I think I know the bike and the owner. He's Alan, the man in the red jacket.

Alan walked up to me, “Lewat from ten o'clock there will be no more buses. Maybe the last bus is over. Understandably, the bus schedule is labile, so every day is erratic.” Alan thrust a helmet at me, “You come home with me! Coincidentally I also want to go to Cianjur.”

I could only be silent to see Alan taking me home together. I want to say “iya” but these lips feel so stiff to say.

“Come, it's night! Don't think too much! Take it easy, I'm not gonna fuck around! Just one kind of thing, I'm just worried about seeing women alone at night.”

Finally I accepted his invitation because the bus I was waiting for never came and the night was getting late. Without a word, I immediately boarded his badge. I sat pensively behind him hugging the bag I was carrying. Alan drove his bike very calmly, making my heart feel comfortable with him.

The moon and stars are smiling at me. Even though I still smell the blood rancid smell of each of these paths of memory, the fragrance of his soul is able to cool down every breath of the past. The cold began to slip into this body. We have passed through Sukaraja area and will enter Sukalarang area. I rubbed my arms because of the cold. Even though I was wearing long clothes with a hijab covering my hair, the wind still pierced through every slit of the clothes I wore.

Alan pulled his bike to the side of the road and stopped the speed of the bike. Then he took off his red jacket, “This, put on my jacket! You must be cold.”

“I'm fine. I wear long sleeves so it's not too cold. You just put the jacket on again! Fear even you who are cold.” I refused Alan's attention. I'm cold, but if I put on the jacket, I'll feel cooler for letting it get cold.

“Colah!” Alan put his jacket on to me.

“Sorry! I hate it when forced,” I take off the jacket.

“I'm sorry!”

Alan returned to the bike without putting his jacket back on. Maybe it's fairer and better. None of us was wearing a jacket. Though I felt a cold piercing my body and I felt it also being cold.

After passing through the cold and lonely road, we finally reached Cianjur. Alan drove me to the front of the house. I got off his bike with a heavy heart because I had to part with him. I don't know if time will bring us back.

“Thank you for driving me home!” lirih.

“Iya, equally,” Alan replied while showing off his sweet smile peppered with seductive dimples.

“Sorry, I can't take you inside the house!”

“It's okay. It's good to be able to get you home. Happy resting!”

“Yes, be careful on the road!”

Alan passed by with his motorbike. I immediately went into the house and headed for the room.

From the smile of Sukabumi's wonderful journey tonight, my heart felt the void again. I really want to skip the day and get through the day tomorrow. Because tomorrow is the day that will determine my future, I will be proposed by a man of your choice. Last month I met my old friend, and you planned my match with the son of his best friend. I as a child cannot refuse the will of a parent. I don't want to be a bad boy.

Lord, why fret when I'm about to pop these leaves in my eyes? Why do we miss when our hearts feel lonely? Why do only loyal cries hold me sincerely? Why is he just a shadow of my dreams? Though in every breath there is always a prayer for me to be with him, with him with the sakinah that You diridhoi. This feeling was swayed by every single image of him in my memory. I can only rely on my destiny of love. I can only tell you this love. God, I just want to be the lawful one for him.

But if the man in the red jacket is not my soul mate. I'm sincere to live every story you've compiled. I have always believed that You have prepared a good man for me. I leave my whole life to You, for You are the All-Cloving One who knows all the best things for me.

After the cries flowed down my cheeks, my heart began to feel calm, so I slowly closed my eyes and fell asleep in peace of heart. However, the man in the red jacket was present in my dream. I also dreamt of my ex-boyfriend. In the dream, my ex-boyfriend said “goodbye” and the man in the red jacket smiled to see me part with my ex-boyfriend. While I was only silent in silence, until someone embraced and held me warmly. The smell of his body is so soothing to your heart. But I don't know who that guy is.

I woke up from my sleep without knowing the beautiful man in my dream. The man became a question in a second of my mind. Dreams hang a love story in two seconds of my time. All I understood from the dream was a conversation in the past.

This morning the people at my house were busy preparing for my application. I'm still thinking about last night's dream. My heart also felt sad to face this historic event. I put on my makeup slowly while staring at my self-portrait in the glass. Then I put on a hijab with a little carving.

My heart grew even more heartbroken when I heard my future husband and his entourage had arrived home. From my room I could only go to God. It's time I said goodbye to the man in the red jacket. “Goodbye, Alan! We are not fools. The meeting on the bus was just words,” said I still look at myself in the mirror.

“Wulan!” call Mom and knock on my room door.

“Iya, Mom!” I opened the door to the room. Then I walked side by side with Mom to approach the group of guests who will fill my story in the future. I walked down my heart, keeping my head down. May the man who will be my husband be a man who is able to usher in the voyage of my life with faith and fear the best of God's creatures.

The conversation began. I still lowered my gaze. I heard every word spoken by the representatives of the family, from my family and from the family of my Father's friends.

Until the mother of my future husband gave me a gold necklace and put it around my neck, I just smiled without looking at the man who was going to be my husband. The man did not comment in the least. Perhaps the man had also not received this matchmaking.

The agreement between the two families has been established. Me and that guy are getting married next month. I felt guilty about the deal I just heard.

While my future husband's entourage enjoyed the banquet my family had prepared, I exited the room of the house I felt weary of this weeping soul-stir. I sat in front of my house.

“Hai!” said a man greeting me.

I who was sitting pensively glanced at him. I was surprised to see Alan, the man in the red jacket who always graced my mind, standing in front of me. I felt like I dreamed of seeing her smile as sweet as my expectations.

Alan sat beside me, “At first I refused this matchmaking. But for some reason when Dad explained to me about the woman I would be betrothed to, I accepted this match. My hope of love was more confident in the woman I dreamed of when Dad said she was a Cianjur.

I pray in my nights. I hope that God will match me to the woman who sat beside me when I took the bus to Cianjur. A woman who looks cute but is awesome. The woman who calms my heart from Sukabumi's distance to Cianjur. My prayer was answered too. My soul mate is you.”

“I, I don't know how to deal with every secret of God. I can only thank Him. But, who was the woman you picked up at the college?”

“She's Ayla, my sister. Now he can't come here because his job can't be abandoned.

A heart that was sad, sultry, and heartwarming instantly turned into a smile. The woman he was waiting for in Sukabumi at that time turned out to be his biological sister. My heart smiled looking at the beauty of his face and hearing the tone of his story. From Sukabumi the love blossomed in a bus delivering my future.

Now I've been hanging out with the man in the red jacket. Knitting love in halal. I am happy in my worship. Past events make new love on the basis of my love for God.

I hugged Alan who had been my halal lover, “I once thought, our short meeting at that time was a short story that remained a word. God says something else. That meeting was the beginning with my soul mate. Love at first sight it is for ever.”

“That is God's destiny. We will never know what our destiny is going to be. Therefore, we must always be kind to God.”

“Iya. I am thankful that God has given you to me. With this simplicity of heart that I have, I want to give all my love to God perfectly, one of which is through my way to be a godly wife for you.”

From the city of Sukabumi, I got my love unlucky. Now I can smile in Alan's arms. Sukabumi was the place that witnessed my initial encounter with the man in the red jacket. Alan has kindled the spirit of love in my heart and warmed every cold of my feelings.

Sukabumi is no longer my imaginary city status. Sukabumi is my soul mate city, not just a dream match, but also the fate of a soul mate in my life for the world and the next. Sukabumi is a city that stores the seeds of my future that is learned and made love.