Love Me Because of God

My lamp, his sun

I was stranded in the corner of the garden, sitting weakly beside cheerful flowers and dancing grasses, in a long chair I looked up at the windswept trying to find something missing, the sky is no longer white, even as if it were pale and somber, perhaps because the sun had left it too long, so that he could no longer be cheerful. That is how it is today, the situation of a girl named Yassirli Amriyyah, whom I have seized as a role model of her life. Grim and no longer have a passion for life because the sun has been lost by the thick cloudy. I can't go on, the sky really reminds me of Sherly.

I turned my face away from the sky and tried to look at the earth again, it turned out that the earth was not much different from the sky, I found leaves that had left branches and scattered on the ground swayed by the wind, the dried leaves are no longer able to be loyal to the twigs, maybe the soul mate of the leaves and twigs has been exhausted? Is my fate and Wildan the same as theirs. God made us to know each other but not to be united. I don't know what I look like this time, what my heart is like and how deep my dagger is piercing through my heart. I'm sick, but do I really have to wrong myself?

Why does it still exist, why does it have to be that name again, can't my brain and my heart make peace with me even if it's just for a moment, why must Wildan, he said, why the name never disappeared from my mind, why is it so hard to remove the name from my memory, Lord. All those questions I didn't find the answer to.

The events of two months ago flashed before my eyes

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I sat weakly on a chair that stretched in the living room, my legs as if no longer able to support my body, my chest tight, the litter of heavy invisible burden, my legs seemed no longer able to support me, and the crystal grains started to slide from my eyelids, my hands shaking while still holding the pink paper I just spelled out letter by letter lined there. I could hardly believe what I had just read, word by word strung together in the paper like an indecision clawing at my heart. Wildan who just became a lantern in my life turned out to be the sun for a girl named “Yassirli Amriyah.” Sherly sent a lightning bolt in the form of a piece of paper to my house to ask for back the sun that I had accidentally picked up.

I do not think how evil I have had the heart to rob others of their lives just for my selfishness, do I still deserve to be called a human being? I did not know that Muhammad Wildanuril Ilmi, my future fiancee, had a relationship with a girl named Yassirli Amriyah. But still I have taken something that is not mine.

The thing that a wife fears the most is the loss of her priest, but what happened to me turned out to be, I had to lose my future fiancee, someone I consider to be a future priest, someone who will guide me to pedal the Big Dipper to the beautiful island of the Most Love.

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“Zahwa, Please terrorize me , I love you Zahwa, trust me..”.

“Sorry Wil, I need some time to myself to be able to think clear”

“But next month of our engagement, Zahwa.. I beg you to think about your departure plan”.

“I have to go, Assalamu’alaikum”

“Wa’alaikum salam”

I passed away leaving Wildan still in front of my house, my legs petrified but I tried hard to get out of his presence. I don't understand what I'm going for, whether it's right to calm myself down like I told Wildan, or I go for a run, running from the fact that Wildan isn't mine. All the beautiful dreams we knit together turned out to be scattered with just a piece of paper voicing the truth.

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My heart trembled violently, as I looked at Wildan's car, a smile I made to greet him, but it faded when I saw a girl in cream robes coming down from Wildan's car, that girl was beautiful, graceful and fashionable, that's Yassirli Amriyah, the incident a month ago almost repeated, I almost sat down like that time.

Fortunately I could control myself more, I closed my eyes for a moment just to calm down, I returned my smile, so that they both did not realize how great the inner upheaval I was experiencing. The longer they get closer, closer, closer and…

O Allah. strengthen your weak servant, do not let me drown in the game of Satan, Bismillah.

“Assalamu’alaikum.

That voice pulled me from my long daydream.

“Wa’alaikum Salam, Wil”

“How are you Zahwa?”

“Alhamdulillah, healthy Wil, you?”

“Alhamdulillah I am also healthy, Zahwa introduce this Sherly, Sherly introduce this Zahwa”

I turned my gaze that had been observing Wildan towards the beautiful girl who was now sitting beside him, I found a smile that was truly sincere there was not the slightest trace of compulsion there. I began to feel pain in my chest, even in terms of the smile I lost with him, the smile he presented was much different from the smile I gave to welcome him, a smile filled with a sense of compulsion.

She kept smiling at me even though I could not respond yet I was still busy calming my increasingly turbulent heart, I seemed unable to hide the pain in my chest cavity. With a smile, Sherly extended her hand.

“Sherly” Her beautiful voice breaks the silence

“Zahwa” My speech is still a little sprawled.

God I know I have no power of effort, I can only plan but it is up to You. I'm sure you know best what's best for me, if Wildan is Sherly's soul mate, help the servant to make it happen.