Chandanas

You Ever Feels So Far

The boy reappeared before me with a healthy and extraordinary physical condition. He has grown up to be a tall and handsome teenage boy. Somehow and why, but I can't deny that seeing him back makes me very happy and relieved. It was as if he was someone I had long been waiting for. Which I have always wanted to meet.

At the time, I knew nothing about the boy. I don't know his name, age or anything about him. Until time starts to play its part again. Time reveals the fact that he is the most valued male student in school. Time allowed me to know that the boy was named Kiran, which I heard almost everywhere. Which almost all the students in this school talk about.

I never knew that the Kiran they were referring to was that boy. That the person who had always been said to be arrogant and haughty was a boy I met a few years ago.

Everyone was talking about Kiran as if they knew and knew all about her. It was as if he was a cruel human who was lucky for having such a beautiful face.

Of course, I'm no different from them. I did not know Kiran and could only judge her through what I heard and saw with these eyes. And it's true that he always looks moody. Reluctant to reply to the greetings of the girls who called her name in a spoiled voice or whatever it was.

But, to me he is not arrogant or arrogant. He may look uncomfortable and unhappy, but his eyes always look sad and fragile. He was sad, and no one realized that. No one understands that.

From then on, I started to venture to go to the library. I have quite a lot of reading books which makes me not have to go to the library to find reading materials. For one year as a student I almost always spend hours of rest by staying in class. However, I started to venture to go to the library just so I could see Kiran. Just so I can see his face.

I don't know when this strange feeling started to appear. However, I cannot deny that for the first time after a long time I have a desire and desire in my heart. After a long time of feeling bland and having no definite purpose in life, I began to feel a desire. It began to feel the beating of the heart which seemed to signify that I was coming back to life, that my soul had returned to this previously empty body.

And that desire is not grandiose. Just a simple desire to be able to glance and look at Kiran's face for a split second because by looking at that face, I felt revived. And that's how it is because the day Kiran saved me, it was indirectly that she made me here.

For about three or four months, I routinely did the same thing. If lucky, I will be able to see Kiran. Sometimes he smiles and laughs with others. However, often he just kept silent while daydreaming about something I did not understand.

During that period, it had been dozens or even dozens of men who approached me. And not a few women came to me and said that I was the reason they broke up and so on. I just shut up and listen. I didn't even know what I was doing until they hated or liked me for no reason. Therefore, I do not want to respond and give them more and more reasons to hate or like. I just kept quiet, let it all go. Just like I let things go in the past.

At that time I thought that I would only see Kiran from a distance for the rest of my life. I will not have the opportunity to stand closer because I will never be able to and deserve to be around anyone.

Until one afternoon, an event occurred that indirectly started our long story series.

It was a pretty exhausting day for me. After a friend's birthday celebration, the children forget the picket duty and go home early. Left me alone with a very dirty class. Obviously I had no choice but to clean up the class and ended up spending a dozen minutes struggling with brooms and plastic bins.

After making sure the class was clean, I rushed to the parking lot to pick up my bike and went home. From a distance, in the parking lot that was already in a quiet condition, I could see clearly that there was a girl who was knocking down my bike and trying to bully it with a motorcycle.

If I don't remember wrongly, she was one of the women who came up to me and told me that I had ruined her relationship. That I had made her lover whom I did not even know at all turn away.

I took a step back and waited for the girl to leave. At that time I thought that it was better to let things go rather than prolong the problem. After all, it is not his fault if the lover he loves must go and leave him alone. Maybe he needs an outlet for his sadness and anger.

After seeing him off, I walked back before finally jerking back and hurriedly hiding when I saw a man running towards my bike and checking the object.

# (If you forget to check interval 1-part 2:D)

He looked so worried and checked my bike as if it was his. I didn't really recognize the man until the moment he turned his body. To be honest, I was shocked and speechless when I realized that the man was Kiran. He lifted my bike and leaned it on his bike because my bike could not stand because of the rim that had been badly damaged.

Even though he was not even aware of my existence, there was nothing else I could do but smile broadly while squeezing my fingers. My heart was pounding so fast even as a distance of tens of meters stretched between us.

I was still hiding and he was still waiting. I don't know what he's doing but it looks like he's waiting for the owner of the bike. Awaiting me.

God, just imagining it feels like a dream to me. Isn't that what a secret admirer feels? Wasn't that how one felt that one could only see from afar without ever daring to approach the person he considered important?

Time passed until it became dark without feeling. Many times I tried to dare to go there, but always undo the intention. I was unable to deal directly with Kiran. I couldn't be around him after all these strange feelings and thumps that were in my heart.

Until finally, Kiran took my bike and leaned it against a tree. He put a piece of paper and some other pieces of paper that looked like money in a bicycle basket and then left on his bike.

I who was really happy at that time for what he did also walked quickly to the bike and saw a hundred thousand bills and a white paper covered with a stone.

I took the paper in doubt and read it in my heart.

Sorry in advance because your bike got damaged like this. I tucked in a little money so you could fix the bike. Always be careful.

I smiled faintly. It was never imagined by me that Kiran would write me like this even though she herself did not really know who I was.

I feel like that is more than enough for me. Just knowing that Kiran was still as good as the first time we met already made me feel so relieved and calm. But God's plan doesn't just stop there.

We met again in person after all these years when I was cornered and cornered by a man who had recently been eager to get close to me.

At that time I was very afraid to see how brave and aggressive the man named Rendi was. She did not give up and kept trying to reach me until I started to get hysterical and shiver. In those crucial moments, a man came and defended me. He tried to drive Rendi away and managed to make the man actually leave.

I was still trembling and frightened as he turned around and looked me in the eye. Questioning my circumstances with a worried and agitated expression.

I cannot speak. I can't think of anything anymore. The contents of my head were suddenly empty as our eyes met in such a close distance. My body and mind were still raging and filled with fear while my heart was warm. Somehow it could be, I don't know. To be sure, my feelings cannot be described into words. It cannot be represented or represented by anything. Too complicated and incomprehensible.

With hesitation, I said, "Thank you," then ran up the stairs to get back to class and picked up the bag I left there.

My heart was pounding very quickly while the cold, trembling sweat on my body was never going to subside. Not wanting to linger in the classroom with all those mixed feelings, I walked out and then down the stairs without saying anything else to Kiran. He was still standing there with a worried expression as I walked through it just like that.

Arriving at home, I slammed myself on the bed while closing my eyes firmly. Everything that had just happened was replayed in my mind like a movie cassette. Every detail felt so clear and meaningful to me. The expression, the voice, and everything about Kiran was really stuck in my mind.

On the other hand, I felt quite sorry for leaving so easily without saying anything. I miss the stupidity I did. Really stupid. Everything feels strange and confusing. I don't even know how to behave. After all the terrible suffering I had gone through, Kiran was too beautiful and kind to be able to be real.

The following days were not much different than usual. It's just that I started limiting myself and not going to the library every day like before. I was scared and not ready to see Kiran again. I'm afraid I can't position myself well. I don't want Kiran to know how I feel for her. I don't want anyone to know.

For about two or three days I did not go to the library. And when I went to the library again after a few days of absence, fate took over again. Kiran, Roka, and Naya were there. Calling my name and even asking me to join them.

What kind of miracle is this? What does God plan to do with all the coincidences that happen at every meeting of me and Kiran?

I can guess how and how I felt around them. To be honest, I felt foreign and uncomfortable when hanging out with them at first. It all felt too sudden and rushed.

So did Kiran who suddenly behaved strangely by showing signals that I did not understand. Roka and Naya were as if to say that Kiran was interested and wanted to get closer to me.

Of course I feel good not to play. I feel happy, so very happy that it feels like I want to float right then and there. However, once again I tried to look normal and not interested at all. I don't know why I did it, I definitely don't want to put my hope and trust in anyone anymore after what Edy and dad did. Two people I consider to be protectors and trusted people could do terrible things to me. All of this makes me often think negatively and assume poorly of others.

So I tried to hold back. Even though they look kind and sincere, I still have to hold back until I can truly trust them. Trusting myself.

One of the events that made me feel touched and admire Kiran even more was when she gave up her body to be a shield and protector for me from the sun.

I was really tired and overheated when a man blockaded the entire morning sunshine with his tall body and wide shoulders. I watched his back and occasionally saw the side of his face that was flooded with sweat.

I'm touched. I feel honored and lucky. I feel unsure, do I deserve all that treatment? Should I get all of Kiran's attention?

And in between the anxiety and the sense of dilemma, Kiran called my name out loud saying, "Tomorrow to go home from school is there time?"

I was silent for a moment. Sure do. Sure exists. However, if I say 'yes' it means I accept all of this. It means I'm allowing us to be closer than this. In that short time, I thought about so many things. So much anxiety and worry. In the end, I decided to give Kiran and myself a chance. I ventured to allow all this to continue by saying, "There is. You can meet me at the library."

After saying this, my mind and heart were completely unsettled. It feels restless and curious too. What should I say or do later? What should I do later?

It all felt so fast and foreign to me. It's hard to accept such a drastic change. It seemed, just a few days ago I still often stole a glance towards Kiran without ever getting any attention from her in the slightest. And now, Kiran tried to get close to me first. It was as if it was Kiran who was more interested in me when I was the one who actually admired Kiran first.

After a night of not being able to sleep well, the day of our meeting arrived. I walked out of the class feeling restless and nervous. I did not stop squeezing and playing my fingers along the way to the library.

I still vividly remember how I stood in the corner of the hallway while looking at Kiran who had been waiting in front of the library. I was really nervous and impatient to see Kiran when a phone call came into my phone.

"Hello?"

"Chandana, today your father is out of prison."

At that moment, my mind was suddenly empty. Kiran's figure that previously seemed clear and real suddenly blurred. The fear and worry came back, grinding out all the warm, calm, and happy that I had previously felt. In the end, no matter how close Kiran was to me, she remained far away. It feels so far away.