Honeyed

Honey Ep.28 (SEASON 2)

If there was a glass that then fell, it might be more or less like that's the state of my heart and mind now. I was so excited to hear from my mother that my little daughter Wawa came home with her new friend's parents at school. As a parent, I feel like I failed. Failed to accompany Wawa in his growth period. I was so scared, my beautiful daughter felt the lack of attention and affection from Umi and Abinya. It was like this, I was disappointed in myself. I should have been able to guard my bidadah who was now lying helplessly. Against malignant cancer cells that every second and every minute continuously try to gnaw his body. Is all this, God gave because of my sins in the past?. If so, what else should I atone for all my sins and mistakes. Should all my sins of the past be atoned for by those I love?. It doesn't feel fair, if it was all my sin, I should have been the first to feel the consequences. Not my wife Aisha, my mother, let alone my innocent little daughter. How am I supposed to be now?, as a husband?, as a father, and as a child?. I don't want everything to fail. Really, I'm very sorry if I fail to maintain all three. Every effort, every means and power I've put in. Until I don't even care about my own condition and circumstances. My focus was to get a kidney organ donor suitable for Aisyah, accompany Aisyah's difficult times, and then re-assemble at home happily.

"Tuuutu, uh. tuuutt,".

The ringing of the mobile phone that I intentionally hardened. I need to talk to my daughter Marwah. At least I should apologize to him. He was unable to pick himself up and take him from school. I just want my daughter to know that Aisyah and I are still there and watching her, despite not being near her physique.

"Hallo... Assalamualaikum Mother?,".

"Hallo, Waallaikumussalam son. What's up?. Has there been any news of anyone donating a kidney to Aisyah?,".

Great hope I clearly felt from all of Mom's questions to me. If only, I could quickly give you the good news. But the fact?, until this moment has not been able to get a kidney donor that is fit and suitable for Aisyah. I tried to hold back my tears. My chest is tight, very tight. It even felt like I couldn't say a word to Mom.

"Son Fahmi?, just shut up?. What's up, son?. Any word on Aisha?. Ha... Hello?,".

"Ehh.... Be-yet Ma'am. Fahmi has not been able to get a kidney donor for Aisyah,". My answer is very heavy.

"Ohh.., uh...,". A sad and desperate voice came from across the phone. Want how else?, there is no way I lied by saying that I have managed to get a suitable donor for Aisyah to Mother.

"Pardon Fahmi Bu,". Pause.

"No son, no need to apologize. You're not wrong. This is all a test for us. Sorry if my response made you sad. Have you eaten my son?,".

"Fahmi is not at all sad Mom,". Answer lies.

"Fahmi has eaten, thank God. Don't forget to eat. Mother?, where is Marwah?. Fahmi wants to talk to her,".

"Alhamdulillah if you have eaten son. Take care of health. You need to stay healthy, son. Always be with your wife. Marwah there's son, he's playing on the back porch. Hold on, I'll call you,".

"Marwah...?!, Oma's grandson?. Abi wants to talk, son. Abi called this,".

I heard Mother's voice screaming for her beloved granddaughter. I was silent for a moment, waiting for the cute voice of my daughter to be heard. I must not be sad, my voice must not sound like a person who is desperate by my son. I have to look like there's nothing. Marwah must know, that Abi and Uminya are nothing, if Abi and Uminya are just having important business so they can not go home.

"Hallo, Abi Assalamualaikum. This is Marwah Abi's daughter,". My daughter's small and cute voice was heard from across the phone.

"Oh hello dear. How's the beautiful Abi's daughter?. Healthy, right, baby?,". I replied with a made-up voice so that there was no sad tone during the conversation with Marwah on the phone.

"Healthy Abi, Abi, can Wawa talk to Umi?. Wawa kangen is Umi. Wawa had never even heard Umi's voice again. And Marwah also has not told Umi, if Marwah has a new friend who is very good at school,".

Men, yes I know. Men can be said to be illegal to cry for some people. But I'm also an ordinary man. Especially with a child. I am strong, my body is strong. But not with my heart now. I was unable to hold back my tears, as soon as I heard my only daughter keep looking around and wanted to hear her Umya voice. Want to hear the voice of a mother who has given birth to her into the world. I use my left hand to wipe away my tears. I put away my hand-held phone, to then take a deep and long breath.

"Astaghfirullah...,". I'm lirih.

"Alhamdulillah, Abi's daughter is well. The spirit continues, dear. Umi still can't be bothered, baby. But calm down, Abi's been talking to Umi's Marwah. Abi told me that Wawa had a good friend at school. Wawa knew not what Umi said after Abi told me?,".

"Waaahhh...!!, did Abi tell Umi everything?. Umi said what's Abi?,". My daughter's voice sounded so excited and happy.

"Umi said, Umi was happy and happy. Because Umi's beautiful daughter has a good new friend. Umi also said that Marwah should also be good with all Wawa friends. Oh yes, dear, Umi said Wawa should be her school spirit, take care of her health, massage the same Oma, her prayers are passionate, and one more. Umi told Abi, she said Umi wanted to continue praying for her daughter who is beautiful and smart. Always be given health,".

I had to lie to my daughter a lot. I know this is wrong, but I have no other way than this. I want Marwah to know that Uminya also loves him very much. Let it be, let my daughter still not know what the real thing is. Let him keep thinking, that Umi and Abinya are healthy and only there is a sudden interest.

"Abi will try, baby. Abi will tell Umi. After all, Umi has also missed Marwah dear. Oh yes, Oma story, he said Wawa had played to the house of Marwah's new friend huh?,".

I tried to switch the conversation on the phone, so that Wawa did not continue to discuss Uminya. I was afraid of not being able to withstand the sadness and tightness that I had been enduring.

"Oh yes, it's Abi. Her new friend Wawa is very nice. His name is Ilham, Ilham also has a very good Abi. At Ilham's house, Wawa also met his grandmother Ilham,".

"Oh yeah?,". I responded by pretending there was no problem.

"So tau no, Wawa was also given a piece of chocolate sandwich. It tastes so good. Wawa also ate with her father and grandmother Ilham. Her grandmother Ilham was very good with Wawa. Later when Umi has come home, the three of us play well Abi to Ilham's house,". My daughter continued again, which was so passionate about telling her new friends and family.

"OK ready son, greetings to his grandmother and father son Ilham. Oh right, does Wawa know his father's name Ilham?,".

I wonder what the name of the father of my daughter's friend is. Anyway I have to thank you for being kind to Marwah.

"Sorry Abi. Wawa doesn't know Ilham's father's name. If Wawa ever meets again. Wawa will ask his name. Hehehe, man,".

I shake my head at my daughter's babble. More than that, I was very happy to hear her laughter. At least my daughter can keep laughing.

"OK, Abi will meet his father Ilham sometime. And I'd like to thank you, for being so kind to Abi's beautiful daughter,".

"Really Abi?, Wawa will convey to Ilham. Thanks a lot Abi,". Marwah's voice looks very happy.

"Together my dear daughter. Where's Oma son?, can you give her phone to Oma?,". My love to Marwah.

"Hallo son, it's Mom,".

"Hallo mom. Mom, please if you already know the name of the father of his friend Wawa, tell Fahmi yah Bu. Fahmi wants to meet and thank him,". I asked my mother from across the phone.

"Yes, son, if you know, I'll let you know. Hopefully soon my daughter-in-law will get a suitable donor, son. Aamin, man,".

"Aamiin, pray for us ma'am,".

"Always my son. You take care of your health. Don't ever break up praying to God, son,".

"In shaaAlloh Ma'am. Yasudah Fahmi turn off the phone first. Mom is healthy at home. We're tipping Wawa yah Bu. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi,".

"Daddy son, Waallaikumussalam Warahmatullahi wabarokatuh,". Answer Mother.

"Tuuut... tuuutt.

I sit on the terrace of the mosque, soon the ashar time will come. It's good that I wait here. As I waited for the Ashar prayer, my brain kept thinking, my speech was unceasingly devoted to Allah. May there be a way out of all this, I believe Allah will help His servant, as His servant asks His forgiveness and help.

“For the sake of Allah, I am truly God-fearing and repent to Him in a day more than 70 times.” (CHR. Bukhari. 6307). More or less so one of the hadiths that I have heard, if the Messenger of Allah who has been guaranteed to enter into heaven is still continue to be considerate (begging for forgiveness) to Allah. Moreover, I am an ordinary human who is full of khilaf and sin. I hope with all the Istighfar I say there is a way out of all this.

"Allahuakbar.... Allahuakbar....!!,". .

"Alhamdulillah...,". I mumbled, as soon as the sound of the ashar Adhan was heard, right at three o'clock in the afternoon ten minutes. I went from the terrace of the mosque and then to the place of ablution to prepare for the obligatory prayer of congregation.