Black Pen

49

Since my return an hour ago from that empty house. I was drowning in daydreams, my body was so limp, my feet couldn't even tread on this cold enough floor.

My mind drifted somewhere, dark and deep enough. I was lonely and alone. And Doni has hurt me more deeply.

His intense affection has made me feel annoyed, even his desire to have my body completely made me hate him a little.

Doni is a good person, but the way he conveys his love is a mistake, where my race clashes between hate and worry.

I am really lonely and alone tonight, even those I call friends are not with me, I feel too selfish to hope someone can understand my feelings at this time.

"Are you okay?" One message has come in, it's actually the final message he sent me. Ever since I got out of that empty house, he tried hard to contact me, many times he called me, also a short message containing an apology.

"Yes" My reply was short, I did not really intend to reply to the message, just that the incoming messages had disturbed me.

"Basic psycopath! " I thought in my heart.

It was easy for him to apologize and tell a lie that I didn't want to hear, he said he was sorry but I didn't see any remorse in him at all.

Obviously he did that to me, but why? my mind was really messed up, I was worried something might happen to me, someday, I don't know I was so naive, imagining something that wouldn't even happen in my life.

I smiled cynically reading a reply from him, not just feeling happy just that I was a little disappointed with what he said.

Huft if there was Akbar here, maybe I wouldn't feel what I shouldn't feel this way, Akbar. I don't even know where he is right now. But my thoughts and feelings were only on him. It really drove me crazy.

Maybe it's time I forgot everything, everything that happened between me and Akbar, but I don't know it's too hard for me. She became the most beautiful among the most beautiful, and I loved her very much.

If opening my heart could have been so easy, I might not have been this balanced.

I close my eyes, I breathe a lot of air. Heavy, my chest feels tight, this is weird. I have truly drowned among my powerlessness.

"All right, I think I'll try" I thought to myself. Fighting tightness is not easy, especially side by side with those I do not want at all.

Among the complexities of my mind, I tried to think about all about Doni, then slowly but surely I threw away all about Akbar, I removed all the fantasies to build a future with him, he said, living happily with twins as we discussed at the time, when we were sitting in High School.

Akbar, I think he'll always be fine without me, maybe he doesn't even remember me anymore. Life is unfair sometimes, the universe makes me laugh among the helpless, and then cry among the disappointments. This is so unfair to me. And I'm scared..