The Way to Find You

as thick as my heart

dusk disappeared, locked me up at night. Tonight I'm helping my aunt in the kitchen prepare dinner.

"Ilham, rarely go home bi ?" askaku while slicing chili.

"at least two weeks back, maybe this weekend" replied the aunt, who was busy with her vegetables.

"sepi dong bi, just two ma uncle''

"yes, that's why your seneng aunt came here, right here ?''

"at home bi" I said with a smile. We continued the cooking event. finished cooking I helped aunt prepare at the table.

the three-dinner ritual begins.

After dinner , uncle and aunt watch tv. I'm not too interested in soap operas choose aloof in the small garden beside the house aunty. sepoi breeze caress my hair that was broken. cold hugged my body, hugging my body,though the jacket has wrapped this body.today is so concentrated even the stars are reluctant to show themselves.dense, very concentrated.as close as my heart is still imagined memories of the past.

hypocritically, if I say I'm fine. this wound is too deep and aching. when alone like this a flash of his shadow must be dancing in memory. and again, again, when alone like this, the flash of his shadow must be dancing in memory,these tears did not know the shame was flowing.

tring tringgg.

("hay, beautiful gmn kbr ???" )

I smiled a little, erasing my tears. Livi was my best friend who sent me a message.

("baek, ndri gmn?")

("baek. btw lg what?")

(nalamun,kg)

(ckk, nglmun mlu. aws ksmbt. kngn ? dong blik)

(mles 😊😊,gmn cafe ?)

a minute or two, it was already blue and still online but there was no reply. I put the phone in my pocket. re-enjoying solitude.but soon hp reads.

(good cafe, there's a prlu I know Wid ) blsan Livi after a few minutes.

(what?, kyk lo doubt gt?)

(tp lo not sdh yes)

(Trnyt Adrian nkh sm skrtarsnya)

(oh, ap, gw already know )

(can you?)

(kmrin bk fb, lht indira upload ft nkhan mrk, klo fb Adrian sih udh gw block)

(hmmmm, lga jg lo dah tau. kmrin he nyariin lo)

(sp??)

(adrian, it's jlsn to lo)

(jlsin ?, his dah gk prl deh,apapn pnjlsnnya he is not orng)

(tul,eh udh dlu y. yangku udh jmpt)

(who has the one2,😊.)

(jgn gt dong Wid, baek2 y. moga ktmu jdh deh dstu)

(😀😀,aminin aj )

hmmm, I breathed a long, lonely greeting back.hah for what the man was looking for me. anyway a thousand reasons will not change the fact he was married.and that reason is nothing more than the justification of a mistake. it's just why this pain never goes away. ahh, I want to feel like I want to scream. it turns out as weak as this I. until when the feeling continues like this. I'm sick of all this feeling, I'm sick of all this,but how do I get rid of it ?. Lord, help me. I can only mourn this lara. I don't want to get out of the shackles of torture but I don't know how.

I leaned against the bench of the garden, my gaze was no longer clear as I saw. my mind wandered far, these tears, why these tears I could not endure.how much more should be shed,just because he who might even now is hugging his friendly woman. Sick and getting sicker when I have to imagine him being with his wife.I have to what?, I can what ?.

"Who...."

aunty's voice that turned out to be behind me, brought me back to the real world.

"auntie, aunty.." I quickly wiped my tears.but I'm sure the aunt heard my sobs.aunty walked over and sat beside me.

"cry, don't you hold it. Loss is painful . and it never hurts if you want to cry, shed all your tears" said the soft aunt as she stroked my hair. it turns out that aunt already knows everything, mama must have told me. not whatever aunt knows, but now I can actually cry in her embrace. crying is really crying no longer I hold back.

I continued to cry, softly aunt kept defending me and occasionally peeping the top of the head.

"there will be a time when your tears become a happiness. never regret what has happened.'' slowly my feelings began to calm.even though it continued to walk me and aunt into the house. rest yourself, try to forget all, bring yourself in the dream realm.