Paper Dove

NANDES: SOLUBLE WITH HIM

When I first saw her, I fell in love. My first love in my teenage years. Her sweet smile, her sparkling eyes made my heart tremble.

I reached out to him "My name is Nandes".

He welcomed my hand "Grow".

I smiled hearing his name.

Dew, the girl who made me feel the world spinning with her center in her arms. It made me fall in love so many times, felt the softness of her voice, caressed her beautiful long black hair, heard the recording of her happy laughter in my head every day and dropped me in the deepest heartbreak.

I fell and no one could help me. I'm losing. I love him with my life and I hate him with my mind. Take away my heart. I was numb, no one could knock on my heart's door again.

I'm shattered.

***

A year and a half ago . . 

I sat at the bar table with a glass of alcohol in my hand, the other side of my hand massaging my forehead slowly. Alex my best friend and office mate sitting next to me was laughing out loud. Of course he laughs at me. 

“ So you ran away after kissing her?”, Alex spoke in the middle of his laughter. 

“ Ah.. sial”, I hid my face between my hands.  Feeling Alex's words hit my pride as a real man.

Alex took a breath calming himself “Bro but it's better that you attack him right?!”, Alex patted my shoulder smart-ass. Then Alex continued “ You are like a lion that has not been fed for many years”, Alex laughed again making fun of me.

“ Ck... silent kau”, I yelled at him annoyed and made his laughter even louder. 

I've committed a criminal offense a few hours ago and will probably make Dew look at me as the all-time pervert. How could it be after all these years of restraint by seeing the Dew loitering before my eyes, letting the Dew hug me at will, going in and out of my apartment at will, I could falter because of one unexpected act that greatly tempted my faith.

My heart almost stopped when I saw her smooth back and the way she approached me. For years she had never worn such a shirt. Suddenly that night the Dew came like an angel testing my faith, at that time I could still restrain myself from turning into a ferocious predator that attacked him. He had no idea how dangerous the action was inside the house of the bachelor man who had loved him for many years.

Until Adam says Juan is back and looking for Dew. My faith wavers, I didn't almost attack Dewun. But I attacked him consciously, alcohol is just a scapegoat that I use to turn into a predator. When the Dew opened the opportunity I did not waste the opportunity. Based on the love I've had for years and the fear of losing her I kissed her for the first time. 

I could feel the sweetness of her lips in my mouth, the greentea fragrance from her shoulders that I breathed deeply with her earlier. My world revolves around him, I get drunk not because of alcohol but because of his scent. If I don't leave him, I will definitely attack him again. Haah. and now I'm a coward who ran away from him.

“So what are you going to do after this?”, Alex asked but his eyes were staring at a woman at the end of our bar table.

“ I don't know. I'll think about it later”, I'm holding my drink without feeling. “ Just go if you want the woman”, I see Alex getting restless.

At 3 am I went back to the apartment, I stood in front of the Dew room door for quite a while. Thinking of all the possibilities that would happen if the Dew met Juan. Is Dew going to leave me and come back with Juan? before I fall deeper and deeper because of my love for her, I must prepare. Prepare my heart to let it go. But can I? I don't know. I sighed and went into my room, sleeping with alcohol circling my head. 

***

I waited for him in the darkness of my living room. With 3 bottles of alcohol I've used. Dew goes. Going to meet his first love, I sipped my drink with my heart that was like it was pierced. Inhaling my cigarette smoke as deeply as possible and exhaling it strongly, hoping that the smoke will take all the remains of my heart away.  Dew called me he said he'd meet Juan and confirm his feelings. 

I'll wait for him, I'll finish my glass. At 11pm, when my apartment doorbell rang. My heart is beating unbecoming. I put out my cigarette and walked towards the door. I looked at the door intercom screen, Dew standing outside the door setting his breath as if he was running here. 

I smiled, there was a sigh of happiness in my heart. The bell rings once again. I opened the door and found him standing there, staring at me.

“ Yes, I came back for my feelings for you”, Dew spoke and saw her cheeks met red.

I'm awkward not knowing what to do. Alcohol does not help at all. 

“ Will you let me stand outside the door until tomorrow morning?”, Dew asked awkwardly.

I looked at him “ If you go in I won't let you out easily and I can't guarantee if I can hold myself back or not”.

And unexpectedly, the Dew went through the door and made my heart jump out of place. 

“ I do not intend to get out of your apartment and you do not need to hold back”, Dew said quietly.

Very dangerous words for a man like me. My instincts as a man exploded. I pulled him in my arms. Feeling the warmth of his mouth in my mouth and no rejection at all. We kissed in a jarring sense, I could feel the aroma in my memory. I was drunk, drunk on his charms. 

The sound of her sighing beneath me, made me dissolve into my passion. The passion that I have harbored for so many years is only for him. Waiting for him to accept me, waiting for him to love me. When Dew whispers “ I like you very much Nandes”.I feel the universe is on my side, I clutch his innocent body, hearing his fast racing heartbeat like mine. 

When I entered it I knew I was tearing something bloody inside. Making evidence that I was the first person to be with him, how he really loved me and gave himself to me. 

“ Sick.. “, whispered Dew. 

“ Hug me, I'll do it gently”, I kiss her forehead. 

I grabbed the Dew in my arms as I reached its peak, I could hear his voice lulled in my touch. I buried my head in the fragrance of her hair taking off all the pleasures of my love for her. 

I covered her with a blanket, kissed her back. Look at it carefully. Feeling happy discovering how Dewun loves me too. I will never regret waiting for him all this time. My love for her deepened after tonight and if a thousand years passed I would still love her as she is today. 

***