Paper Dove

Escapees

Nandes was as perverted as Juan was when I asked him the truth behind Meggy's name. 

" Why are you asking that? Does this matter to you Dew?", Nandes is very serious. 

" Yes, it's very important", I said. 

Nandes stood up as if he were considering something. I approached and held his hand.

" Please.Juan looks like everyone else these days. I'm confused what's going on. Brother please", I said hoping. 

Nandes leaned against his motorcycle seat and I stood next to him waiting for him to speak. 

" Meggy.. was my best friend and Juan. Also Juan's first love", there was sadness in his voice.

My heart was a little slipping at the word first love, as my heart prepared for all those stories still it was strange to imagine Juan ever liking someone else with all his heart. 

“ We are friends since sitting on the bench of Kindergarten in Yogyakarta. Until graduation from SMP. Juan came from a family of businessmen. Brother Juan takes care of business in Labuan Bajo and Juan is brought with him. Juan chose to attend school in Ruteng because of his family problems. Juan and meggy were in a long distance relationship, I know that. In April 2 years ago Meggy proposed to visit Juan here. I should have banned the plan”, in this part Nandes' voice choked, he looked down like he regretted something. 

My heart was pounding like it caught the end of this story, but I couldn't stop my ego from listening to their secrets. My selfishness ignores the sadness of Nandes' voice. 

“ They both went to Labuan Bajo without me on Juan's bike. I warned Juan, he doesn't understand the terrain well. But Juan insists”.

Nandes was silent for quite a while until he spoke in a vibrating voice ” Meggy went on her way to the hospital and Juan woke up after 1 week of her treatment period “.

I was silent, I can imagine how much guilt Juan had endured all this time. 

“ On the day Meggy left I was like crazy. But Juan became crazier than me after he woke up and learned of Meggy's departure. He refused to move out of here because of his sadness.

I didn't blame him at first, but one day I saw a friend of Juan's on social media posting how Juan spent his time partying, laughing and having a girlfriend. I was angry, very angry. Several times I saw how the mother of Meggy wept over her dead child and Juan seemed to forget her”.

“ I decided to move here Dewun. To blame Juan for my loss, to keep reminding Juan of his mistake. I kept bothering him until I found out Juan was suffering more than me. All he did was runaway. I knew from her brother that Juan regularly consulted psychiatry. He experienced high anxiety, severe stress and insomnia. But I still hate him”.

I looked at Nandes who ended his story by smiling at me. “ It is a Dew fact, how Juan is still stuck in the past, the guilt is haunting Juan and I until now”.

***

I sat in my car, reluctant to get into the house. My tears are dripping. I don't know what the lattice is.

The fact about Juan or myself being conscious becomes an escape for him. The pain in my heart I can't ignore, said the teenager will only be adorned with meaningless monkey love, but why it hurts to make my chest feel so tight.

I liked Juan too much, I fell in love with him as my first love. I love the way he talks, when he's with me and I feel devastated along with that feeling. I cried for quite a while, until I finally decided I would wait for Juan to talk to me when he was ready. I don't know what difficulties he's been having lately. I'll be waiting. 

At school I heard from Adam that Juan had not been in for 3 days. There's a sick letter from the doctor. All day long I didn't concentrate because I kept thinking about Juan. What the hell is going on? what is being hidden?. 

In the afternoon I took my car to Juan's house. The house looked quiet, I pressed the bell that was slightly covered in vines on the fence of their house hoping that someone would come out of it. Sure enough, a middle-aged man came out to me. 

“ Good afternoon pak”, I said politely.

The father noticed me then asked in Manggarai regional language “ Nekarabo, kare ceing ite¹? (sorry who are you looking for?)”.

I'm dumbfounded, to be honest I'm in the process of learning the language here with the mentor is Elsa. Like realizing that I do not understand, the man smiled a little and spoke to me using Indonesian but with a very thick accent “ I mean, enu want to find who here?”.

“Oh, Juan is there? I am a friend of Juan pak”, I replied politely.

“ There is enu, but Nana² Juan is sick. Please enter first”, he said again.

“ Enu, want to drink something?”, asked the man whom I recently knew named Mr. Alo. 

“No thanks pak”, I refused politely.

“ For a moment, I call nana Juan”, she said. I'm nodding.

I waited long enough, about 10 minutes until Juan came to me. His face was lethargic, a little pale and looked tyrannical and his hair was a little messy. Juan looked at me, I didn't know what his gaze meant. Shouldn't I just come I thought.

“ Hi gorgeous”, Juan smiled at me and took a seat near me.

I saw it sadly “ Brother Juan, how are you?”, I was worried. 

“ I'm fine Embun”, Juan breathes heavily.” I'm going to school tomorrow. Soon want the final exam even sore”, he spoke at length.

I'd like to say I know the burden of your heart, is your anxiety disorder relapsing? instead of saying that I said “ can I help you Juan?”, I asked sadly.

Juan was a little surprised by my question, but he looked into my eyes that were emitting sadness from looking at him with quite a chaotic state. Juan smilingly leaned his head on my shoulder.” Can I just do this for a second? I'm tired of Dewun”, Juan said softly.

“ Yes.. lean back until your fatigue is gone Juan”, I replied. There was no response from Juan.

Juan leaned on me long enough, he fell asleep.  I woke Juan and led him into the room, and laid him there. I saw three bottles of medicine lined up on the table next to his bed, one of which was a sedative that I knew of its function. My eyes turned to Juan who was fast asleep, how heavy is your burden now Juan? can I help you?

My eyes were fixed on something on the other side of the room. Standing a fairly large frame framing a painting of a woman with long hair and pretty eyes. Written in the corner of the painting:

 “ You are a wound I will never be able to treat, Meggy”.

 I flinched, holding back the tears that were about to fall. From the beginning Juan was just love clapping my hands, I was the place to try to run, but he couldn't. He is still in his past. I realized I couldn't pull him out of that mud of regret. 

I left Juan's house without looking back, leaving sadness in my heart.Foolish first love. 

***

Photo by: @like_Zina

Manggarai Language:

Nekarabk, kawe ceing ite: Sorry, who are you looking for?

Nana: Call for boys, brothers.