Paper Dove

THE PAST RETURNED

Not only once did I meet the man in the hat and mask, I met him how many times but he didn't try to get close to me anymore. He just stood still at the bus stop. It seems like he is waiting for someone. After how long he never showed up again. My fear just evaporated.

Nandes came to my boarding house. It was the first time we met again after the kiss scene. It's been 3 days. Damn him too, I thought half dead. He came over with his meal and invited me to eat fried rice. Like nothing happened. 

All the way I pouted. Whatisthis? Am I the only one who thumped? Nandes babon's. 

" Why are you? His face was bent like that? The fried rice is bad? ", Nandes asked while still driving the car. 

I just shut up, threw away my face. I could be pounding with this insensitive man. Nandes was silent.  Not being able to bear this overly calm state I began the conversation. 

" Where have you been for 3 days?", I asked him but my eyes looked towards the road. 

Nandes smiled " yesterday I worked until late at night. There was a new project to work on", Nandes replied casually. 

" Today?", terror.

" Same, office, basketball, overtime". 

" Yet again?", I insist on finding his fault. 

" Working, meeting with Monica, lunch with Monica, office again, go home, sleep", Nandes explained patiently.

I frowned hearing Monica's name. " This Monica …. Your girlfriend huh?", I asked curious but as if indifferent. 

" No. She's my coworker, a competent person", Nandes praised. 

" Oh.", I answered as if I didn't care. 

" Where do you want me to drive home or where?" asked Nandes. 

" I. ", in my heart, deep down I want to go to her apartment but I'm not ready to accept what's coming next. 

" where are you going?", Nandes asked. 

" to my place", I said briefly.

" Okay. ", there was a bit of a disappointed tone in his voice. I can feel it. 

When we got in front of my boarding house, I didn't go down right away. I held my bag tight enough to dare to ask Nandes.

" What are we?", I asked. 

Nandes shut up and saw me "We? If I follow my head I want us to be one. You and I are together, like a couple in general".

"Then? Why didn't you show up in 3 days?", I asked. 

" Dew, I've confirmed my feelings. I just want you to make sure you feel right. I want you to come to me at the will of your heart, not out of guilt for our long-term togetherness".

" But I'm sure of my heart", I insist. 

Nandes smiled "You haven't met him yet?". 

Nandes looked at me, looking right in my eyes like he was going to confirm something "Juan.. Juan came back to Indonesia and looked for you".

***

I sat on the side of my bed. When Nandes said Juan was coming home, my heart felt like it was being given an electric shock with a high enough voltage. I was quite surprised to not be able to reply to Nandes' words. 

The night we had dinner at Adam's house, he told me that Juan was back. Juan even asked Adam about your situation. He wants to meet you. 

That night I lost my way. That's why I drank and smoked, I kissed you because of the fear that struck my heart. I don't know what I'm afraid of… 

That night I really wanted to make you mine. I tried to keep you by my side all this time so you could fall in love with me every day. But after hearing him back I floundered, I forgot myself. The reason I left the house and didn't see you for 3 days is. I'm afraid I'm going to do too much to you. I don't want to force your heart. I don't want you to leave me because of my ego.

My dew will be waiting for you if you want to be with me come to my place. But if not, remember me as something good for you because I can't possibly be friends with you anymore.

I looked at a picture of me and Nandes on the table when I was graduating. Why am I worried after hearing Juan's arrival? I don't know what's wrong with me. Yesterday, I wanted to be with Nandes. 

Juan left me and I was with Nandes all this time. Any sane woman would choose Nandes, but what makes me doubtful? Is there any flavor left for Juan? I can't even think about it.

***

I know I'm guilty of Nandes. I should have decided to be with him by then. But the doubt in my heart made me fall into this mud. 

Juan showed up, he met me as an important person at my workplace. Her parents' company was the sponsor that supported the Hospital I worked for.  As the Hospital celebrated its 102nd birthday, I was lined up as one of the organizers directly involved in this event. Juan saw me and rebuked me at an opportunity.

" Hello Dew doctor. Long time no see. How are you?", Juan reached out his hand to me and smiled meaningfully. 

I stared at him, Juan hasn't changed much. He became taller and handsome. His voice was still as warm as it used to be. His eyes did not change. I received a helping hand, realized my position and answered professionally. 

" Hello sir. Long time no see", I smiled kindly at him. When I welcomed his helping hand I realized the tremors in my heart that I had felt when I was with him were gone with our memories buried deep in my heart. 

Juan was waiting for me when I finished work. We sat together at a coffee shop in the hospital. I looked at my glass, what Juan wanted to tell me after all this time was the thing I wanted to hear.

" Beautiful, how are you?", Juan greeted me in the same way as before, with the same voice, the same smile.

My heart beats not because I like it but because it reminds me of a time when I liked it so much and he just let me go.

I smiled "My news is good sir", I said formal.

" Can you stop acting so formally?".

" This is in the Hospital area. I still have to be formal to you", I gave an excuse.

" Let's meet outside the hospital. I'll pick you up at Dew tonight. I have something to tell you", Juan said softly.

I nodded slowly in agreement. Then Juan stood up and left me. I exhaled a little rough. I'll decide my heart when I meet Juan tonight. I'll make sure that it's been gone a long time.

***