Black Room

Fearfulness

Hiding and revealing are choices that risk injury.

****

The world is only black and white. Like the bad guys and the good guys. However, every human being has his own point of view. Good people and bad people are just about different judgment and mindset.

I'm not a good person. But I can't be said to be a bad person either. Even though I'm locked up in a black room. I do not harm anyone but myself. So, am I a good person or a bad person?

Good people and bad people are perceptions of the individual. For example, a good person who has a spiteful enemy would be said to be a bad person by his enemy. A bad person is considered good if he can hide all his crimes. The good guys and the bad guys are just a mask in the play. We cannot escape, every human being has his own mask and secrets. We wear different masks with different people. However, regardless of it all, whatever your true form, live the best way you choose.

Man is a creature that does not escape sin and error. Humans always have the opportunity to be willing and correct mistakes. The opportunity comes from the self that wants to improve. I want to change without forcing myself to change. I was more diligent in class and never again late for school. I've even been following gotong royong gracing the locale since these past two weeks. In my school, every month there is a cleanliness competition between classes. I included myself in the busy gotong royong perlocal. Make a garden fence, plant flowers, to make painting on the walls of the classroom. In the past, I have never once been present in this kind of excitement. But two weeks ago, I decided to change in order to make you happy. And it's all more fun than I ever imagined.

This afternoon, I was again immersed in the busy local decor in my class. The school looked quiet and quiet, there were only a few teachers in the office. Me and my three best friends split the task of making a garden fence in front of our class. Ijep is in charge of splitting bamboo, nando cut bamboo that has been split by ijep with a saw. While aldi and I are in charge of making a fence. I've been busy this week immersed in the local goro. And this afternoon it was just the four of us who were goro. Buk Yarnis accompanied us as homeroom teacher.

"Mom's coat sees dikan now" said buk yarnis amazed.

I stopped my activities. Buk Yarnis smiled as I turned my head.

"Why not always be left like this" said buk yarnis.

I just smiled and was embarrassed. "Color is now conscious" answered me and again busy with nails and hammers.

"Have you ever wondered why he changed?" Ask aldi to buk yarnis.

"Why, aldi?" Ask buk yarnis.

"Color is in love again buk" Aldi laughed. Nando and ijep laughed softly

"The same teacher of history is yes aldi" Sahut buk yarni assures.

I looked up and looked at Buk Yarnis. Where does buk yarnis know? My friends also brag about me liking buk mutia to yarnis? Aldi winked his shoulder the mark did not know.

"I don't know where" asked aldi.

"That's it, change is now a trending topic in school" Sahut buk yarnis. Whahuh? I didn't change because I liked buk mutia. I changed to please Mom. Gumanku's.

"Emang ya dikan always be the fruit of the lips at school" Aldi laughs curled up. Nando and Ijep also laughed. I laughed embarrassedly to see them laugh.

"But no, if the teachers used to say the name dikan with anger. If now full of pride. The grades are pretty good too. Buk nit just praised dikan to mom. Keep it up" said buk yarnis.

I was still busy with my busy life and did not look at buk yarnis. I don't feel proud of buk yarnis' confession. Further away. I understand that teachers will hate lazy students and boast of diligent and smart children.

"Aldi, you're staying is okay, right?" Ask buk yarnis "Ibu must go to market before the market closes" explained buk yarnis.

"Emang still open the market this afternoon buk" Tanya aldi.

"Still" Sahut buk yarnis "Dikan, nando, ijep, mother stay first yes" Pamit buk yarnis.

We talked together. Buk yarnis passed in the office. I wonder why buk yarnis can also know about my liking to buk mutia. Not just yarnis. Buk nit also insinuated me. I know that buk nit doesn't mean to insinuate, and I'm too suuzon. But I am sensitive to the point that leads to me.

Last Thursday when I was studying Indonesian. Buk nit handed out the replay paper two days ago from the teacher's desk. Buk nit likes to mention the name with the highest UH value. Some people advanced because they became the three highest ranks. Aulia, nisa, and resi returned to their respective seats with pride. They are clever. We are no longer surprised. They always compete in the top three. My name is called after the name of Rishi. I went ahead and took my paper with applause. No one expected my UH score to be ranked fourth. I walked with pride. I did memorize all night before UH. I'm all set. And my efforts are not in vain with my high test scores. Buk nit told aulia, nisa and resi to be careful. Because I could be their competitor. The rest of the class was noisy with their empathy for my change. Guraun doris and aldi with carrying the term OT teacher who became my passion for school. Buk nit straightened it with a pituah.

"That's love. Love it sure leads us to better" Speech buk nit stop laughter "Tika" So buk nit continue his lesson. And I feel like nita is a mirror of me.

"What did buk yarnis mean?" I asked after buk yarnis passed.

Nando and ijep looked at each other. Aldi also quit his job. They looked at each other confused.

"Where can you tell buk yarnis about me liking buk mutia?"

"You've been made with buk mutia, dik" asked ijep gawking.

"Dropped" I said laughing "I asked you a question anyway" My heart laughed annoyed at the ijep's habit.

Ijep is a call from Jefri geofani. A man taller than me, thinly muscular. Ijep likes to exercise and is active in scout activities. I nicknamed ijep 'a handsome but geeky man' because of the geeky style of ijep with clothes that always come in and pants that are fun. Cute but afraid to express feelings to women. The geeky handsome comes from nagari lubuak pumpkin, a village in the middle of a forest of hill lines. Ijep said, cellphone and electrical signals have not entered the village. People only use large gindsets for nighttime lighting. Ijep kos and go home every semester break.

Aldi and Ijep throw each other with the ground. As is their custom. Nando laughs at Ijep's girth. I decided not to ask. Besides, buk mutia already knows that I like her. But that's not the problem. I became embarrassed by the rumors that circulated among some teachers and students. I'm not dating buk mutia. It's as if they were dating.

I continued my work with hammers and nails. Aldi and ijep chasing each other makes a scene. Nando was laughing behind me.

"Uds. Stop first. Tomorrow there's still. Don't be greedy" said Nando.

"Stage" Sahutku. "It's ready soon" I explained without looking at nando.

"Eh cave drink also to the office" said Nando and ran after aldi and ijep.

"Bring, drink here ud" I shouted.

"So" Nando said in running.

I am busy with my activities. We have to finish this fence in the week. These two weeks. I'm so excited. I have no problem with coming home every afternoon, busy in cooperation like this also feels good. Last week, all my class men searched for bamboo and took it out of the forest. It all feels good about cooperation.

I have changed over the last month. Not just at school. I rarely go out of the house either. After school, I locked myself up with textbooks in my room. I was planning to change the way I learned. And that's the reason I want to change. Not buk mutia.

I want to make my mother happy. I'm sure I'll graduate. I haven't changed, I'm going to graduate. Furthermore, this year the government changed the graduation system. National Exam scores are no longer a determinant of student graduation. This year the school is entitled to determine the graduation or not of students. And the school will definitely graduate its students one hundred percent for the good name and reputation of the school. However, I changed because I wanted to be better than my mother's expectations. Maybe mom has a point, I'm in third grade.

"This is the drink, sir" said the woman.

I looked back. Buk mutia's. I'm appalled.

"Huh kok ibuk. I haven't come home yet?" I asked, my face that was originally hot became cold with a restrained smile.

"Please sir. Drink it" Sahut buk mutia again with a smile.

I smiled to see it too. Even though I knew buk mutia was joking. I still have trouble hiding my feelings of joy. I took him a glass of water over the tray. Above the tray there are still two cups of tea.

Buk mutia smiled and still stood looking at me. I laughed a little at him who was still standing watching me. Buk mutia realized my laughter. The look on his face turned flat.

"Drink" said buk mutia.

I finally drank and left the glass empty. And put the glass over the baku back.

"Why haven't you come home yet?" I asked and then sat back down to finish my work.

"Master didn't throw away his daughter, did he?" Ask buk mutia.

I looked at buk mutia. "I mean?" ask me with a surprised face.

Buk mutia exhaled a rough breath. "Or you only treat me as a servant. All right I'm going. I am not a princess" said buk mutia and walked in front of me. "Thank you is not accepted" said buk mutia.

I'm laughing a little. "Thank you so much buk"

"Thank you is not accepted" Sahut buk mutia harder without looking at me.

I was intrigued to see the mutia buk joking "Keep how to be accepted thanks?" My toot.

Buk mutia stopped a few steps away from me. She turned her body to look at me "There's a condition" Buk mutia approached "Just accompany your daughter to tea this afternoon"

I laugh. Buk mutia once drama. But I feel happy. Buk mutia probably likes Korean drama movies like most ABG girls who are crazy and have a fever going to K-POP.

"I can't refuse to accompany a princess as beautiful as this" I joked.

Buk mutia laughing. We sat on the stairs in front of my class. Enjoy the afternoon with a cup of tea. The view looks beautiful from the local front ips. The rice paddies behind the local ipa and asphalt roads connecting the new village are visible in the distance. Me and buk mutia stared in amazement at the reddened sky on the west horizon. Buk mutia said she likes twilight.

"Why bbm ibuk ngak reply again" asked buk mutia and sipped her tea.

"Package is up" I answered lying. "But I've read all my stories about bang ade"

"You jealous?" Ask buk mutia. I'm turning. We clashed. Buk mutia smiled. My face feels red.

"No. Why should I be jealous" I finally turned my eyes away.

Buk mutia sounded laughing. "You are mysterious" said buk mutia, calling me to you. Not anymore, is he?

"Hud to call you?" My toot.

"No" Buk mutia laughed again "Emang why if you call me to call you. Is it still polite?"

"Yes enngak. Usually I never use you-you, usually call me dikan" Reply.

"The color of everything can change" said buk mutia. His eyes were focused on the shade at the end. I stared at buk mutia with an enchanted feeling. I looked at him while waiting for his next word.

"Like the earth changed from day and night. Feelings sometimes change with uncertainty. Fear, sadness, happiness, love and loss are the things we definitely feel in life. We can't escape when that feeling comes. Feelings are a matter of the heart. And the heart cannot be fully controlled" said buk mutia.

"Yes, it's up to you to call me dikan or you" I laughed.

Buk mutia also laughs "You're the mysterious person" said buk mutia.

I looked at buk mutia. We look at each other.

"Mysterious yes. Hard guessed. You have a lot of character"

"How many characters?" I don't understand.

"Your personality is hard to guess. You have many sides. You look strong and brave. No one dares to fight you. You live as the only dissident, all your other parents have been expelled at this school. As soon as buk asmarni tells your story. And these two weeks. You turned praised and proud. The beast has been successfully tamed. People are asking who has managed to bring that joy to life. There aren't. His contentment was lost by the fear within himself. However, behind all your harsh attitudes, you are actually very weak and timid" said buk mutia.

I don't fully understand what buk mutia is saying. But I understand a little bit about the words. Buk mutia is right, I live on two sides. Like the dark side I've always hidden. And I felt insinuated by the words buk mutia at the end of the sentence. I don't know. Maybe I was the one feeling.

I just kept quiet. I brewed tea that was still warm. Buk mutia was also crabbing a teacup.

"You boys. You must be able to defeat fear" said buk mutia brewing her tea.

I brewed the slightly warm tea until it ran out. I felt angry with buk mutia. Sometimes, fear is good we do not beat. Buk mutia is like insinuating me who doesn't dare to say like her. Until he found out from the rumors circulating in my school environment. But I don't want to be blamed for that either.

The beautiful Lembayung was drowned in half the darkness. Created a dazzling twilight. Beauty just before dark.

"Wouldn't fear also be necessary" I stood "Love also should not have right" I walked to choose the tool goro earlier. "People live by their own principles"

Buk mutia nodded. Silent for a moment. I gathered all the tools. "Sometimes giving up is also the right choice" I said and walked to store the tools into the classroom closet.

"Sometimes problems come not because of a mistake" said buk mutia who carried a hoe. He's helping. That means I no longer need to pick up the hoe. Buk mutia.

"Sometimes mistakes don't have to be regretted. Thas right. Mistakes happen so that we can learn" said buk mutia and walked "It's hard to have feelings, years, and it feels painful" said buk mutia.

"But finally she said" Buk mutia looked at the door. Buk mutia stopped and looked at me "Like the story of dikan and fiona" Buk mutia continued.

I walked past him. Where did buk mutia know about fiona. I never told anyone about Fiona. Where did buk mutia know that?

"What is so hard to say?" Buk mutia.

I continued walking regardless of buk mutia. I turned. My bag is still in the local. I ran to get my bag into the local and out.

"Dikan" Shouted buk mutia "You're talented to be a writer" Shouted buk mutia.

I kept running without looking at mutia.

Go home. On the way home, the names fiona and buk mutia ran through my mind. Tormenting.

The marijuana? That's all that makes my head feel cold. And my mind can be at peace with my own soul.