Tidying Up Asa, Inviting Hidayah

73. Wants Healed.

🌹Everyone has different natures, some like to share stories, some are the opposite. I am a woman who prefers to deal with my own problems, without telling others.🌹

String.

After hearing Kak Danish and Kak Varen's explanation, I felt a little relieved. Although it has not been completely able to eliminate worry, but at least slightly reduced. I thought about the possibility of overcoming my phobia and needed to find a way.

If only Neesha hadn't been married and we were still home, I would have exchanged stories with her. Like before, I and Brother Neesha can freely tell stories about many things. About school, friends, books being read, breaking news, even the guy we're into.

But now things are different. Ever since Neesha got married and we were far apart, I've been happy to share my heart. Worried in case it would bother me, because I don't know how big brother's doing there. Though only Sister Neesha can always understand and I feel comfortable exchanging ideas with her.

When I found out Mas Ghufron was sick, the first time I called was Neesha's sister. I told him everything, because I didn't know who could help. However, now it feels impossible to call and trouble my sister again. She's pregnant, I don't want to add to the burden of her mind.

So remember, the first time I ventured to tell Mas Ghufron. It started with him asking why I always carry coffee powder sachet packaging in a bag. He even caught me when he was sipping ground coffee.

He was not urgent, but the earnestness shown, made me dare to tell stories. Although not all I'm telling you, just the outline. At first I was afraid he would stay away, but Mas Ghufron offered to help. He promised to take me to a psychiatrist, but God wouldn't let that promise work.

Now I don't know who to share my story with. It is not easy to find people who are trustworthy and comfortable to express feelings. Fate is indeed a woman who does not have many friends like me.

I looked up, looking up at the dark sky studded with stars. Like a sprinkling of diamonds on a piece of concentrated cloth. It's beautiful tonight, the stars are clear. Although the moon is not visible, it does not reduce the beauty of the scenery in space.

The sound of the night beast rang out loud, sahut said like a unique natural melody. The singing of frogs that sounded from the rice fields next to the house, made the atmosphere of the night no longer feel so quiet. I spread my hands back, to support my body. Live the rhythm of natural music in solitude.

“Invited ora semaur, jebul kabe ning kene!” I turned my head for a moment, seeing Sister Sayumi approaching while grumbling. (Called unanswered, it turns out his son daydreams here.)

“Girls should not be so dreamy, alone anymore. Prone possessed by genie, loh.” said Ms. Sayumi who is now sitting beside me.

“I'm not daydreaming, Ma'am. Just enjoying the view of the bright night sky.” I replied refuting, “What's looking for me?”

“Evening is ready,” replied Ma'am Sayumi.

I heard a long breath, and then the gazebo board creaked. Ma'am Sayumi raised her legs, shifted her seat so slightly to the middle, leaning on the gazebo pole.

“Sing uwes, yo, uwes. Rasah digetuni, kabeh mau wes dadi dalane, Gusti Alloh preso opo sing slick kanggo sampeyan.” (That's been, yes, it's been. Do not regret, everything has become the way, Allaah knows what is good for you.)

I smiled mirically, hearing the wise advice of Ma'am Sayumi. He seemed to know what I was thinking. This woman is even pretentious, but every speech is often tucked into a meaningful banquet.

“Mbak Sayumi sok know, ih.” I sneered while shaking my feet, playing sandals.

“I remember, when Mas Ghufron's family came to propose. Bu Riani told me the same story, if Mbak Jenar dreams of seeing a banana tree after prayers istikharah.” I stopped shaking my legs, focused on my son Sayumi.

“Mbak Jenar know what it means?” ask Ms. Sayumi. I shook my head, though I could guess the answer.

“If now it is possible that Genar interpreted the dream as a premonition about the death of Mas Ghufron. At that time, Bu Riani and I did not think so. Because the banana tree has many benefits, from the fruit, leaves, heart, until the weakening. Banana trees are also very easy to breed, we plant one banana midrib only, it could grow dozens of other shoots.” Ma'am Sayumi paused the sentence to take a breath.

“Unfortunately, the banana tree is short lived. It only bears fruit once and then it dies, after which it grows new shoots. Ghufron is like a banana tree whose life is very beneficial for many people, including Jenar Ma'am. But his life is not long,” said Ms. Sayumi.

“I can see, if the presence of Mas Ghufron is very useful. Not just for Jenar, but everyone. Mr. Fares just to getun (disappointed) really, when Mas Ghufron died.”

I took a breath while looking up, driving out the water that was about to push out of the eye patch. As the night breeze hit the face, sweeping the clear glass so that it does not fall to the cheek. This chest still feels tight if considering the departure of Mas Ghufron, still feels pain in there. The wound was not closed, apparently. Ah, why does Ma'am Sayumi have to talk about him tonight?

“That's important, now Madam Jenar must be sure. If Allah takes something very valuable from us, it means He has prepared something else better.” Ma'am Sayumi patted my shoulder.

I looked towards him, smiling. The calm atmosphere of the night, seems to make Mbak Sayumi so wiser. Sis Neesha deserves to stay here first, because the ones that accompany her are fun.

“Mbak Say is not kesambet jin bamboo tree, right?” I was trying to joke.

“Not a jin of bamboo trees, Ma'am. But the big stone genie that's in the rice field there!”

Ma'am Sayumi pointed to the front, the side of the courtyard that borders directly with the rice field area. Without a fence, only planted with cherry trees lined up. It was possible to see the view of the rice fields from where we were sitting.

I laughed, hearing Ma'am Sayumi joke. Maybe if Brother Neesha who was invited to joke like this, he would have run away in fear. But not with me. I'm not afraid of the dark like Brother Neesha, which I fear is just a trivial thing that for others is fun.

“Mbak Say?” I called Ma'am Sayumi.

Ma'am Sayumi turned her face, looking straight at me. I also immediately asked the question that was in the brain, “Mbak Say ever had a phobia? Ehm .. I mean scared same what is it?”

“Phobia?” Ma'am Sayumi asked, I nodded in response.

“If scared, yes, fear ghost maybe. Although until now I have never seen what ghosts are like,” replied Ma'am Sayumi hesitated.

“Not afraid of such, Ma'am. I mean, Ma'am never afraid of the same thing that was so bad, that's it. For example, fear of snakes until just the word snake is afraid of it, even though it has not seen its form,” I explained.

I chose to ask Ms. Sayumi, the only person I have met so often at this time. Maybe from this simple figure I can find answers about how to overcome my phobia. To be honest, I've wanted to be able to blend in with as many people as I used to, without any worries that the trauma was coming.

I saw Madam Sayumi frowning, like one who was thinking.

I-i understand. It is rare for people who have trauma to fear. Most of them were still able to overcome a reasonable fear, unlike me.

“What's the matter, Ma'am? Ma'am Jenar scared what?” ask Mama Sayumi to know.

I shook my head while forcing a smile, “No, Ma'am. Not me, kok.”

I try to be ordinary, do not let Mba Sayumi suspicious. Because I still don't want anyone else to know about my situation. I better hide it until I can find a cure that can cure this disease.

“Log in, yuk, Ma'am!” take me to stand.

“Lho! Wes finished to iki, want le takon?” mama Sayumi. (It's over, to, here's the question?)

I smiled as I pulled the hand of Ma'am Sayumi, “Sampun, Ma'am. Monggo dahar riyen, was lethargic.” (Already, Ma. Let's eat first, get hungry).

It is better enough to talk about phobias with Ms. Sayumi. Free, because I won't get an answer from him. Maybe I should ask someone else, or look for answers in my own way.

***

   There are people who can easily tell their hearts to others, some are not. I am one of those people who have a hard time sharing stories. I tried to convey the contents of the heart, but every time it will be spoken, the arrangement of sentences that I have prepared seems to be dissolved. Reluctant to be expelled, even just stuck in the head. There is fear, worry, and shame, if others find out about my situation.

I open a diary, one way to express my heart without worrying that others will know. My gaze turned to the laptop screen in front, reading the rows of sentences listed there. I have read it so many times, and many similar articles are stored in folders, but there is nothing I have practiced yet.

I took a deep breath, copying one sentence after another on the laptop screen into the book. The most relevant article among dozens of similar articles, search results overnight. Written by a Psychologist with the title : Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

This article is the most complete than the others. Describe what is called Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder (post-traumatic mental disorder). Not only experienced by victims of abuse se ks ual only. However, it could also be due to an accident, robbery, or natural disaster. There is also an explanation of how to cope with mental disorders after experiencing trauma.

Yes, I decided to look for answers in my own way, not to ask anyone else. Nowadays, anything can be searched on the internet, but it must be able to filter out information that can really be accounted for. Not only arbitrary articles that can even add to the worse situation.

My finger stopped, as I was about to write the conclusion of the eight-page article. Once again I exhale, rereading the last two paragraphs of the article.

The first way is by pharmacorapic treatment (drug therapy) and pskotherapy (mental therapy).

Slowly I read various kinds of mental therapy to treat disorders after trauma, it turns out a lot. The drugs used are also various types, not just enough anti-depressant drugs. In accordance with the state of the patient, after a consultation session with a psychiatrist.

Yeah, Alloh! It seems complicated. I thought there was an easier way, without consulting a psychiatrist. If you go to a psychiatrist, it's expensive. Where can I get money? Relying on Mother and Sister Neesha's shipment? Or savings from online sales? It does not seem to be enough, because it is not yet certain how long the treatment, how many sessions with psychiatrists.

I rubbed the rough face, putting both palms on the face that felt cold. My view has not been separated from the laptop screen, the mind is still digesting the writings listed.

It can also be treated with talk therapy. By sharing stories, it can ease the burden of a harbored mind.

I threw my back on the back of the chair, along with a long breath. Think back to the words I just read. It is very clear the explanation in the article, the practice is also actually not too difficult. But I'm not sure I can do that.

I don't have a lot of money to go to a psychiatrist. It's impossible to ask father, because I don't have a good reason. The costs incurred for my college alone are quite large, not to mention the Lingga school. It wouldn't be wise if I added to dad's spending burden.

As for sharing the story, I can't do it either. With who? I have no place to pour my heart out other than the diary. Yeah, Alloh! Is there no other way that is simpler and does not cost much? I want to heal, without bothering others, but how?

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Hi guys! Sorry, yesterday suddenly disappeared from circulation without saying goodbye and without a message. Just like the rain that comes suddenly, goes also suddenly .. cie ...

*Ahead of the mid-month of Ramadan yesterday, thank God there is a lot of busyness in the real world, so really do not have time to snack. Even open the application and sosmed also did not have time. So sorry, if you just look for it, (Ih pedenya)😂 Sorry if there are dm, inbok, comments and messages in GC that have not been replied. hehe. *

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*Next I beg permission to slow up again, yes. (Ih, start again slow up, nyebelin.)😊 *

Look, there's a script I need to finish right away. I'm the type of person who can't work on more than one title at a time. I won't be able to feel the same, so I decided for a while permission first from here. It won't take long, though. Three months at most, ha ha ha.

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*That too I will still try to get up every time there is time, so do not wait, let it be a surprise, yes. 😍 *

*I won't move to another heart, really! If you cheat, it could be.😂 Anyway it's not that I let you guys down, yeah. However, I also can't make everyone happy. Please be aware of all my limitations. Because I'm not the perfect Andra and the Backbone. *

*Once again, a big apology .. hehe. *

*Help, *

Desi Desma/ La Lu Na.