Tidying Up Asa, Inviting Hidayah

69. Perfume Scent and Memories

🌹So sensitive my sense of smell, just because it inhales the fragrance of perfume alone, can evoke memories.🌹

String.

The sound of water rushing down from the sky, pounding hard on the roof of the restaurant. The strong wind and rumbling of thunder came with a diminishing intensity. Cold air enters through wide open doors and windows.

I did not dare to raise my head, choosing to keep my head down while inhaling the smell of ground coffee in the small dish I had been holding since. Although Kak Varen has asked all restaurant visitors not to crowd near me, but my feeling is that they are all still looking at me. They must be whispering, gossiping about what just happened to me.

“Minum!” I glanced at Kak Varen's hand holding the bottled mineral water in front of me.

My throat was dry from crying, my chest was tight because my heart was pumping blood too fast. The mineral water looked refreshing, but I was still reluctant to take off the dishes filled with ground coffee. Inhaling the typical aroma of coffee managed to make me feel a little calm.

“Drink first! Let my coffee be held,” I turned to the right side, when someone grabbed the small plate from my hand carefully. It is like asking a toy to a child not to cry.

Mr. Hara took the plate, then placed it on the table. I looked at all the movements of his hands, unsealed the bottle, then gave the mineral water to me. Strangely I thought, like a person under hypnotic influence. Receiving and immediately downing mineral water until it is almost exhausted.

“Why you?” The voice from the left side accompanied by a gentle swipe at the head, shocked me.

Sontan I turned my head, looking at Kak Varen who was looking at me with pity. I was again wracked with discomfort, because a man's big hand touched his head. Making me duck again to avoid that touch.

Brother Varen pulled his hand, maybe he knows I don't like being carelessly touched by the opposite sex. It is just a simple touch that is usually desired by women. However, to me being touched by a man is not a mahrom without permission, making me feel harassed.

Like earlier, when Mr. Hara hugged me suddenly. It was only for a moment and in my state I was hiding my head between my knees. I knew he just wanted to calm me down who kept hysterical. However, the act made me feel demeaned. I pushed him until he fell.

“Kak Hara knows Jenar why?” Brother Varen turned the question to Mr. Hara, definitely because I did not immediately answer.

“So he's like a possessed man, make me worry.” I heard a tone of sincerity from Kak Varen's words. However, I cannot answer. It felt like my voice was stuck in the esophagus.

“Ren!” Pak Hara's voice prevented Kak Varen who was about to ask again, “Jelasinnya could be next time, right? Let Jenar calm down first.”

“It’s ok.” said Kak Varen exhaling while leaning back on the seat back.

Varen has always been very attentive to me. His attitude was sincere, although it was done to attract my attention. He just wanted to talk about our memories from school. However, what he told her brought bitter memories of a painful past. He didn't know that I had memories that could bring trauma to me.

The smell of alcohol every time Kak Varen spoke, the atmosphere of nature was gripping and dark because the lights of the restaurant died. Makes me unable to withstand the turmoil. One after another the shadows of the past are present, showering the memories. Dragged me into a vortex of memories of fear, sadness and guilt that were imprinted in my heart. My phobias are relapsing in front of the crowd and I feel very ashamed. I don't know what people think of me right now.

“We'd better go home.” I quickly looked towards Mr. Hara. He was grabbing cell phones, cigarettes and matches on the table, then keeping them in his pants pocket.

“The wind is still tight and the rain has not subsided, the danger of driving in this weather,” Kak Danish prevents Pak Hara who will already move.

“It is not comfortable here, he can relapse again at any time.” replied Mr. Hara.

I lowered my head deeper, dodging the probing gazes of Kak Danish and Kak Varen. The two of them must have been curious about the meaning of Mr. Hara's words. I wasn't ready to answer and tell them about my pain.

“True sa-kit?” ask Brother Varen. Right, right, my guess? Now I have to answer what? It's impossible to be honest, because my pain has something to do with both of them.

“Clearly not now, yes. We have to go home, the rain is not so heavy.” My answer has been represented by Mr. Hara. I really thank him for knowing my condition. Maybe because it's not the first time I've had a phobia with him.

Rainwater has not stopped falling from the sky, although the swiftness is reduced. The dark is slightly decomposed because the cloud has already spilled some of its contents into the earth. The air was still very cold, because the wind was blowing very hard. Thundering lightning is no longer as loud as before, although occasionally still seen bright flashes splitting the sky.

“No pa-pa if you can't answer now. Just so you know, I will always be ready to hear your story,”, said Kak Varen when driving me to get into the car.

He nodded, smiled back and pulled away while closing the car door. Again I saw the sincerity of his speech and attitude.

For a while I sat alone in the car, waiting for Mr. Hara who was talking to Kak Danish and Kak Varen. I don't know what they're talking about, it looks serious. I could not hear, nor guess through the movements of their lips.

Mr. Hara held out a clear plastic containing ground coffee to me, as soon as he entered. I received with a frown, guessing the purpose of this gift.

“So I ask same waiters, goods times you need,” explained Mr. Hara before I ask.

I nodded, muttering a thank you very softly. He was right, I do need coffee grounds right now, although the lemon-scented car perfume can already relax me a bit. However, the distinctive smell of coffee, able to turn a turbulent soul into calm.

“You should be able to anticipate before relapse. You know very well what causes you to experience phobias, you should be able to overcome them. There doesn't have to be an incident like that.” Mr. Hara spoke at length, making my voice shrink. It was as if I had just made a fatal mistake.

“You till when? Heem? You can't live like this, Jen. Your phobia can recur at any time, as it has just happened. It's still mending, because there I am. What if you're alone? Who will help?” cerocos Pak Hara was almost without pause.

I don't know why he looks so angry. Did the incident in the restaurant embarrass him, so he was angry like this? Or because his meeting with Kak Danish got messed up because of me? Or because I pushed him when he hugged me?

Just now I was about to open my mouth to answer, but Mr. Hara again said ketus, “You do not want all, so? Can you live a normal life like people?”

I have all the answers to every question Mr. Hara asks, but to answer it feels like the tongue is becoming muddled. All the sentences I wanted to convey were just gathered in the head, unable to get out.

Mr. Hara roared in a high and sharp tone, like a father scolding his son. I really don't have the energy to answer, let alone argue with him. So I let him talk a lot this time.

“Can I sleep?” ask me after I think he's done talking at length.

Mr. Hara exhaled a rough breath while throwing his face away from me. He did not answer, instead silent while turning on the car engine. Why is he angry? Shouldn't I be the one who was angry because he suddenly hugged me?

I chose to lean my head, close my eyes while sipping ground coffee in plastic. Expect to relax the muscles and brain that was tense. The smell of coffee and the soft back of the car seat, managed to make me feel comfortable. Slowly I was able to catch my breath one by one and the heartbeat had found its rhythm again.

The ground coffee in the plastic I still hold tightly, even though I no longer breathe. My chest is no longer tight, like when my heart is no longer beating.

Half-conscious, I felt like something was moving pulling the seathealth from the left side. My sense of smell inhaled the smell of wood that was quite pungent because it smelled from a very close distance. This fragrance, very familiar to me, this fragrance was also unintentionally smelled when Mr. Hara hugged me earlier. The smell of perfume that I often kissed when I met Mas Ghufron after he performed salad jum’at.

This dream? Did he come to my dream? Suddenly I remembered a shady-faced man, with a thin beard and shoulder-length hair. He who just heard his voice, my heart trembled.

I slowly opened my eyes, hoping the shadow was real. However, what I saw was a wipper movement up and down removing the water points on the glass surface of the car. I looked to the right side, a stern cold face that was plastered in front. Mr. Hara opened a little side glass, then lit a cigarette. Next he focused on turning the wheel without even glancing at me the slightest bit.

In my heart, I laughed at myself. Because it's too high to hallucinate. Wanting the presence of a happy person on the side of God is a very impossible thing. What was I expecting? Seeing Mas Ghufron sitting in front wearing an alma mater suit while folding his hands on the table? That hope will not be real, because now its existence can only reign as a memory. What is it with my nose? Too sensitive. Just because you smell the same perfume, your imagination becomes wandering….

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Hey guys, we waited yesterday, huh? 😁 Anyway Mr. Hara is in fashion coming in unpredictably. Like his attitude is sometimes sweet-ass, but changed again ketus and nyebelin.😊 

 Good day, guys. Welcome to azan magrib. 😍