Tidying Up Asa, Inviting Hidayah

29. A Muddled Heart.

🍁 You don't always have to look perfect. There are times when you feel tired, pull over for a moment! You can’t please everyone.🍁

Hara's.

Coming to church, listening to the pastor's lectures and singing the praises of God, does not make my heart and mind calm. Even after I filled my stomach with delicious food in a five-star restaurant I still felt lonely.

Being the best listener when Cecilia kept telling stories couldn't treat the anxiety I felt. The noise of the vehicle and the hot weather of the metropolitan city even more make my mind confused. What exactly am I feeling? What kind of peace am I looking for?

Right at noon, I visited a quiet place that I thought could make me feel calm. The place is located on a hill, away from the hustle and bustle of the metropolitan city. Almost without a sound, until I could hear the sound of the wind blowing a little.

I put down a bunch of white Chrysanthemums I bought before I got to this place. Kusap tombstone engraved a series of writings.

John Andoko.

Born: jakarta, may 21 XXXX

Death: Jakarta, September 09 XXXX

I stood in front of papa's grave, looking at the mound of earth below which lay the body of papa. I turn memories into the past. When papa and mama's hands can still be grasped, when their voices can still be clearly heard.

Throughout my memory, papa is a figure who does not talk much and rarely smiles. He opens his voice if needed, never laughing if he thinks nothing is really funny.

As for mama, as far as I can remember was a gentle, attentive figure. Spoiling my tongue with a variety of dishes that are always delicious. If papa rarely smiles, then mama is the opposite. You could say my mom smiled every time we faced each other.

Once when my mother accompanied me to do schoolwork, I casually asked her, “papa took me every week to church, why did you never take me to the mosque even once?”

Mama smiled before answering, her soft hands rubbing my head, “because papa wants you to worship like her.”

“Do you not want me to worship like you? I can pray, you know, Ma. I used to answer the greetings of my Muslim friends.”

“Sstt!” mama put her index finger on her lips, “Hara can't do that, you have to obey what papa wants. Mama doesn't want you to be a dissident child.”

“Mama is weird, Hara wants to follow mama's religion but can't.”

“Hara .. here!” Mama pulled me into a hug, “you know? Mama and papa have agreed, later if you grow up you can choose to follow the religion of mama or papa. But now, you learn papa religion first, okay?”

I put both hands in my pants pocket, I felt the wind blowing hard, making my hair fall apart. Swab the face to regain consciousness from daydreams. Throw away the shadows of mama and papa that make my heart more sliced.

“Kakak!” I turned to the side, Cecilia linked the fingers in front of the chest with her eyes closed perfectly. She must be doing’a for papa, “tomorrow on 10 september.”

“Sister knows.” I replied while returning my gaze to the gravestone mound in front of me.

“So why not come here tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow big sister many affairs.”

“Usually brother take leave on the anniversary of the death of om Yohan.”

“Office is a lot of work, can not be left.”

“Usually you do not care about office work as much as anything, Reyfan must have known that, right?”

“Can you wait in the car, Ci? Sister is wanting here herself.”

I need to be alone, need to be alone. It wouldn't have happened if Cecilia had followed me wherever I went. He really understood the most if my mind was in a state of turmoil, so he was always faithful to accompany me. However, this time I really just want to be alone, without interference from anyone including my cousin's sister.

“Alright, don't be long!” Though stubborn, but this girl next to me never denied my orders.

I let Cecilia go and leave me alone in the quiet cemetery. I felt the wind getting stronger, making the tip of the jacket that I did not throw waved. I took one step closer to the navel, took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

“How are you, Pa? Hara came..”.

“Did papa there meet mama? Hara yesterday to mama's place, Hara has never told me, right? Hara met Pak Wawan and mbak Nabila. They're good, Pa. They accept Hara staying at their home.”

“Wawan said, Hara will be invited to Jepara sometime .. to Nadia.”

“Papa view? How good they are to me, when we have seized their happiness. Yeah, right, Pa?”

“Pa ... If you're still alive, will papa let you teach me to worship like him? Like mama let papa teach me how to pray papa.”

“If papa and mama were still alive, would Hara be able to choose to follow whose beliefs? Will papa not impose his will on Hara?”

“Should papa and mama not leave me alone like this, you guys cheat..”.

I raised my head, dispelling the clear details that were in my eyes. I let my face be swept by the wind, so that the tears do not come down. I don't know, lately I've been so whiny and sentimental, like I'm not the usual me.

“Should be responsible, because papa never taught Hara religion mama, Hara so can not mendo’ mama. Papa knows? That's really torturous.”

“Hara missed you, Pa...”

I was under a gray sky, covered in strong winds. Standing in front of the pusara, decorated with leaves that flew in the wind and then fell on the ground. This loneliness I felt to the bottom of my heart, pain.

I spent some time staring at Papa's grave. Looking for the peace I might find, but my heart just feels empty. Silence, like a grave where all its inhabitants are lifeless.

“Hara came home, yes, Pa. If we are allowed to meet, Hara just want to ask permission papa .. let Hara mENDo’a mama in the right way.”

I rubbed again the tombstone, before I left. Leaving the land of papa's final resting place. Down the path between the gravestones lined up, to the place where my car was parked.

I opened the car door, finding Cecilia staring at me questioningly. Just realized that he was holding my phone which read a sign there was an incoming call.

I snatched the phone from my cousin's sister's hand, saw whose name was on the screen. I immediately shifted the green button, when I found out who called.

“Halo, Mbak.”

“Hara, sorry to bother you.”

I glanced at Cecilia who was sitting next to me, before answering Nabila's apology while getting out of the car, “not disturbing, really, Ma'am. I'm relaxed, it's Sunday, right?”

“Ngak, kok, Mbak. What was? Naufal fussy, huh?”

“Not, Hara. Naufal is going to the same mosque as Akmal. Mbak just want to say something to you,” mbak Nabila sound like hesitating.

“About what, Ma'am? Just say it, no worries.” I closed the door, I put my back on the side of the car, I felt like Nabila wanted to say something important.

“Previous sorry, yes, Hara. Mbak just wanted to say that tomorrow is the anniversary of the passing of mother.”

“Oh! If that's Hara, Ma'am. Hara remember.”

“Alhamdulillah then, you .. will come to your papa's tomb?”

“It's Hara discharged from papa's tomb, Ma'am. Just wanted to go home.”

“Alhamdulillah, do not forget to mendo’amu papa, yes!”

I nodded, I must know that Nabila couldn't possibly see me. A moment of silence .. me and Mbak Nabila are both quietly immersed in our respective minds.

I'm the first to open the voice, “what will Ma'am tomorrow go to mama's grave? Berdo’a for mama?”

“Insyaalloh Hara's. We're all going to mom's grave tomorrow, Nadia is also on her way here.”

“Thank God then.”

“Hara ...”

I quietly waited for Nabila to continue the sentence.

“Maybe not if tomorrow you come? We can gather together here.”

I kept quiet for a while, before answering Nabila's questions. It's common for papa and mama's death anniversary, I always ask for a few days off from work. No need to ask Reyfan for permission, because he already knows about this. He usually accompanies me all day.

“Try Hara to talk to the boss first, yes, Ma'am. Hara can ask for leave or not.”

“Hopefully can, yes, Hara.”

I ended the call, after making sure there was nothing more that mbak Nabila wanted to say. I got into the car after I took a breath. I installed the seatbealt without removing the phone from my grasp.

“Mbak Nabila who is it, Kak?” Cecilia's question came to my ears when I was just about to start the car engine.

“I just found out big brother has a hooded friend.”

“She's not sister's friend, Ci.”

“If not a friend then who?”

“She's my sister.”

I saw from the tail of the eye, Cecilia frowned. He must have been surprised at my confession just now. However, I have not wanted to explain anything to Cecilia. I don't want this stubborn kid asking about a lot of things I'm not ready to answer.

“Sister take you home.”

“Kak don't want to go again?” I'm nodding.

“Where?”

“You don't need to know where big brother is going, right?”

“I need to know, because I don't want big brother to see Alex again.” Cecilia can already read my gelagat. If you have a lot of thoughts like this, I usually go to Alex's place. A place that could make me forget a little about all these complexities.

“Stop, Brother! It's enough big brother to be in touch with Alex, I don't want big brother to deal with people like them.”

“What are you by the way, Ci?”

“Please, Brother!”

“You don't need to arrange brother, sister knows what sister should do.”

“So I'll get married then. Than every week gonta-replace woman-”

“Silence, Ci! Brother doesn't want to hear your talk.”

I stepped on the gas pedal deeper, driving the vehicle faster. The road was crowded smoothly, so I could race against other vehicles. The thing I could do if I wanted to make Cecilia quiet, was because she was most afraid that I would show anger.

I did want to see Alex but not to buy his wares, there was one thing I had to do before I decided on the big thing in my life.

I swiped the phone screen, dialed the number I had memorized out of my head. I wear earphones so I don't have to hold my phone while I'm driving.

“Rey?”

I continued the sentence after hearing the answer from across the phone, “I asked for leave.” I can't let Reyfan cut my unfinished conversation, “I don't know until when, I need time alone.”

I hung up the phone unilaterally, I'd expect Reyfan to be swearing across the street. I can't ignore the sound of the phone ringing with Reyfan's name on the screen, I'd like to think about myself. For I have spent my whole life thinking of others.

I did need to pull over for a moment to feel my desires and hopes. Because whatever I do, I can't possibly make everyone happy.

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Seriate....