Tidying Up Asa, Inviting Hidayah

53. Knocking Conscience

🍁Surely every human must have an uncomfortable feeling when making irregularities. It's just that sometimes the conscience is closed to the devil's more sonorous seduction.🍁

Hara

Tengaran, Semarang regency.

Kyai Ali's phone rang, when we were almost to the city of Salatiga. He got the news that the study was postponed in the next few hours because someone died. The committee felt it was not good if the study continued while the body had not been buried.

“We better go there if the corpse is ready to be buried. All filth and participate in soliciting.”

Though kyai Ali did not know the person who died, why also bother takziah? What is the attitude of a Muslim towards others, even though they do not know each other?

“We stopped somewhere first, yeah, Hara. I have told the committee, will be notified if the body is finished being purified and forgiven.”

I'll just say what Mr. Kyai said. He showed me the direction, where I should turn the wheel. Until I got to a place that made me stunned with a very beautiful view. Reyfan must not have known there was a place like this in Semarang. A hidden place and not many people know.

“This is the only horse race in central java. In the past, when Hafidz was a child, I often brought him here. As a teenager, he became fond of riding sports. I was willing to rent a cage complete with people who take care of his horse.”

Kyai Ali said, while stroking a horse that had just been given by its owner. There are hundreds of horses that are being grazed, one of which will be rode by Kyai Ali. It is fitting that people here know him, it turns out that Pak Kyai once kept horses here.

“Hafidz had the ambition to become an equestrian athlete.”

“Why not continue, Mr kyai? If serious training, gus Hafidz certainly can be an athlete.”

Kyai Ali smiled wryly, “she stopped riding, even now she can not get close to the horse. He was very good at riding horses. People here give the nickname coboy kid on Hafidz, because it always wins in the race.”

“What makes gus Hafidz stop, Mr Kyai?”

“He was traumatized,” pak kyai exhaled violently before continuing the story, “a day before he entered the provincial championship, his beloved horse was found dead in the stable. He was very sad, because to him the horse was already like a close friend. From that moment on he did not want to ride a horse. Even just looking at the horse he didn't want to. Too sad if he remembers the death of his beloved horse."

“Did the horse die of illness?”

“Hafidz thought the horse died of exhaustion, because every day invited to train for the championship. The man who took care of the horse said the horse was poisoned. Chances are the horse ate grass that was accidentally exposed to pesticides.”

“Hafidz has been blaming himself, until now he can not forget the event. Once upon a time, we were invited to attend the inauguration of the mosque. There were a lot of horse carriages, back then. Hafidz suddenly fainted from seeing many horses.”

“His guilt turned into trauma. Until now he has not been able to get close to the horse.”

I ventured to ask, when kyai Ali has finished the story, “apa gus Hafidz not going to the psychiatrist?”

“Already. We took her to a psychiatrist, but she couldn't make a full recovery. Doctors say only Hafidz can heal the trauma. He must be able to forgive himself, only to be free from trauma.”

Kyai Ali's story made me remember Jenar. He also suffered almost the same trauma as Gus Hafidz. Trauma due to guilt.

Has he ever been to a psychiatrist? Has he been treated, but not healed? Does your family know about the trauma? Why doesn't anyone seem to know, Aneesha and Reyfan never told me either. Though the situation of Jenar I think is quite severe. It has reached the stage of disrupting normal life. It should be addressed immediately, or he will not be able to move like other people.

I thought about him again. Why did you think so early this morning about Jenar? Comeon! Don't miss work, Hara! What if he thinks of her? There are already parents and siblings thinking about it, right?

“You why be quiet, Hara?” kyai Ali's voice made me realize, “thinking what?”

I shook my head quickly, “no, Mr. Kyai. I'm just remembering something.”

“Something or someone? I hope you keep quiet because you are aware of the mistakes you have made so far, Hara.” kyai Ali patted me on the shoulder, before he climbed onto the horse's back. He guessed exactly what was on my mind, “it seems like the first time you think about someone else, outside the context of work. Congratulations, Hara! Finally you can have a human side.”

I smiled wryly, seeing the horse that was carried by Pak Kyai running fast. Leave the flying dust produced by the pounding of the horse's foot.

The sun is shining. The blue sky is bright, clean without white clouds. Cold air pierces the skin, moving blowing leaves. I reached into my pants pocket to get a cigarette and a match. Enjoy the morning atmosphere with natural scenery of mount merapi and merbabu dashing. Enchantment of beautiful natural scenery, hidden paradise in central java.

Yes, I was thinking of someone and I also remembered about the deviation I had done. The events that Jenar experienced, made me think .. have any of them experienced trauma? Did any of those girls kill themselves after playing with me? Those thoughts flashed, making my head throb, thinking of the past. Mistakes that have certainly caused bad effects for others. Do I have to make up for all my mistakes? Who do I have to pay for it? those women of course I've forgotten them all.

***

I haven't rested at all this day. After driving kyai Ali until the afternoon, I went to see Cecilia. My cousin's sister attended a fashion show at a mall in Jogja. As usual, if he's on a show, I'd want to come watch it.

“Not excited if there is no sister. Please, yes, Brother?”

Everyone needs the support of family and friends to achieve their goals. While Cecilia, has no one but me to support her.

Both of his parents are divorced and have a new family. Cecilia is an outcast child who lives alone because of the selfishness of the parents. If there was no me, maybe now Cecilia has fallen into the black world. Cecilia is one of the reasons I have stayed in touch with Alex to date.

That night I forced myself to attend the fashion show of my beloved cousin's sister. Though I already feel very tired, want to immediately rest. Returning home from the event, still had to drive Cecilia home to the apartment. In order to keep a smile and cheer on her face I accepted her invitation to celebrate the success of her fashion show.

So busy, I forgot, if I have a promise with Pakde Teguh will bring the architect to Aneesha's house. Luckily the architect trusted by Reuyfan to draw a house renovation plan can be invited to compromise. So I can take her to Magelang tomorrow.

But poor cannot be denied. The next day, I felt dizzy and my whole body ached. It must be because of the fatigue and frequent rain these few days. The virus easily entered the body, causing me to have a fever due to cold and cough symptoms.

I think by taking medicine will soon recover, it turns out even worse. For three days I did not get out of bed. Forced to check into the hospital, so that treatment is more targeted.

Regarding the renovation plan of Aneesha's house, I've submitted it to Noura. So that he'll handle it for a while, until I'm healed. Because Aneesha and Reyfan won't trust anyone but me and Noura.

There was only me and Naufal in the house, there was a sound of greeting several times. Wanted to get out to see who was coming, but the body felt very weak. So I told Naufal to come out.

A little surprised, when I came out of the room because Naufal never came back. There was Jenar who was bowing, speaking familiarly with Naufal. To hide the shock, I asked him in a tart tone, “what is it?”

Whether it was just my feelings, or how, I felt Jenar answered every question nervously. Seen from his stern words. Maybe because I cut out every sentence, or because he's still afraid of me? I don't wear deodorant today, nor do I drink alcohol.

Especially when he apologized again, I don't know how many times. It seems that the girl easily feels guilty, so she has to apologize many times. Even when other people are fooled by what happened, Jenar still feels guilty. Maybe that makes the trauma worse, not healed because he could not forgive himself.

Jenar did not visit for long. He only gave his hand to mbak Nabila, a sign of gratitude and apology. Somehow as he was leaving, I wanted to say that he be careful on the road. However, what comes out of the lips is a sticky and cold greeting, “lam straight home! Don't come to the tomb! Next time, invite a friend if you want to go to mausoleum.”

Those words came out of my lips, not to be answered. I just wanted Jenar to say yes, but she replied in a joking tone. It almost embarrassed me for looking worried about him.

“Please Jenar, hot-hot gini back and forth just to deliver food. You should have told him to come in first, earlier.”

Mbak Nabila distract me from looking at the bike Jenar away, then lost because he turned in the fork. I took off my arms, entered the house without answering.

“Hara!” call mbak Nabila, “What is his home in Magelang right next door, anyway? Far from here?”

I pulled up a chair, then sat down and answered briefly, “nggak.”

“Magelang city or county? South, north, west or east?”

“Regencies. I don't know, maybe the west. ”

“Which security? Salam, Srumbung, Dukun, Muntilan, Mungkid, Sawangan ..” said mbak Nabila enthusiastically mentioned the name of the subdistrict that he knew.

If it was not cut, he would have continued to talk incessantly. I took an empty glass, filled it with water. “I'm hungry, Ma'am.” I said while taking an empty plate. I mean, Nabila stopped talking.

However, he just distracts by discussing something else, “True rich kid, huh, Hara?”

“Not really, Ma'am. His parents are ordinary.”

“But the motor he was using, not an ordinary motor, right? Mbak know, yesterday there was a parent friend Naufal talked about the motor as Jenar used the price of 40 million cheapest. That means, right, only the rich can buy.”

“Whoever can also buy, Ma'am. Mbak forgot, today there are leasing ready to finance the purchase of motorcycles on credit?”

“Iya, too, sih.”

“Eh, but I'm amazed by Jenar. It's pretty, all right, sohy. Dream of every parent, the son-in-law.” I took a breath, saw mbak Nabila pat Naufal's back slowly, “Hei, Fal! Cobo kowe wes gede, not jodoke ro mbak Jenar.” (Try if you are old, do not match with Jenar.)

Naufal glances from playing hp, “jodoke ki opo, Buk?” (Smatch that, what, ma'am?)

“Telo shredded kei gulo fried.” (Ketela shredded, kasih sugar java continues to be fried.)

“Kuwi cemplon, Buk.” (That's a camplon, ma'am)

“Lha, iyos. Pleasant camplon.”

I who was originally careless became laughing at the sight of these two mothers and children. Mbak Nabila and Naufal can always make the atmosphere become colored. After three days all the food tasted bland, I finally felt a mixture of salty, sweet, savory and spicy. Looks like my body is recovering from a viral illness.

“Wah! Turns out Jenar is good at cooking too. It's a really good shot, huh, Hara? It tastes better than the usual soto mbak buy, it looks like mbak must ask the recipe, nih. Sometimes if you go to Jenar's house, you can come, yes?”

“I melu, yo, Buk?” (I'm coming, huh, Mom?)

There is only one Nabila mbak with this Naufal. Just knew Jenar for a while, but already wanted to familiarize themselves. Not necessarily also Jenar want to be close friends with them. Genar, right, doesn't like to hang out with just anyone.

Come to think of it, that Jenar doesn't have many friends. Ever since I've known him all this time, I've never seen him hang out or hang out with friends. She is different from her sister who can be friends with anyone. Genar more closed, impressed introvert. Or maybe because of the trauma, he so avoid close to others.

It doesn't seem like it, because he can be in a relationship with Ghufron, right? Almost married. Maybe he is the type of person who does not like to be friends with many people.

Why do I think about it again, anyway? Just the matter of eating his soto, why did I become confused about him? It's really weird. Is there something in this soto that makes me tend to think about Jenar, huh?

Oi! Especially this? Am I being prejudiced. Yeah, God! Looks like something's wrong with me.

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Assalamu'alaikum friends ....

Sorry, the next chapter will slow up. The writing classes I took started.  Insyaalloh will stay up if there is time.  Thank you for everything. 

Wasalamu'alaikum.