The Malang Widow

That fast...

"I want to take you somewhere, will ya?" her offer to me while looking at my face was sharp, as if signifying seriousness in her eyeballs.

"Where are you going?" I was curious and a little bit of a feeling in my heart enveloped me.

"You come along, you will definitely like" he explained while throwing a sweet smile.

I who bore the sign of agreeing rushed to prepare myself to go with him. I changed my clothes with the prettiest makeup possible. Happiness at that time mixed with anxious feelings. There's a bit of a hunch that Deri will express her feelings to me then what answer should I give.

Without a doubt I rode on that not-so-good bike and was arguably outdated for our age. But only the feeling of pleasure that I felt was piggybacked with him. Every now and then she unconsciously grabbed my hand to clench her body so I could embrace feeling her warm body.

But at once I let go of the hug, because I was ashamed, because we had no relationship.

Before long, we finally reached the destination. A place where the atmosphere is very comfortable for me, let alone the battery has never been here before. There is a white crater there. A cold air spread on my body that was a little tiny and tall.

Seeing me clenching my hands to my stomach from the cold, Deri immediately opened her jacket and put it on my body. The warmth and romance I felt. The flowers of my heart at that moment. Plus the grip of his hand that was not separated at every step we both walked closer to the white crater.

Beautiful rocks and some fungal plants growing there adorn the slopes of the crater. The view that slightly often disappeared due to the fog that flew to decorate the romance of the two of us who occasionally looked at each other and threw a happy smile.

"Where? you like the place?" asked Deri while stopping our steps on a rock to immediately sit together lined up.

"Yes, I love it, it's a good place" I replied spoiled with amazement gazing in all directions.

I want to feel like I'm sitting next to him that immediately leaned my body so that he also embraced me warm in his arms. But my heart was ashamed and did not dare to do that. Immediately I brushed off the delusion with my game of throwing small stones around me sitting towards the crater.

"This place is romantic? suitable for people who are in pairs" said Deri while staring at the pebbles that I have since thrown into the crater and formed water bubbles and small splashes.

"Yes" I replied briefly and nervously. I don't know why my heart beat is getting louder now, as if I'm about to hear something shocking.

"You have a partner?" ask him while he turns his eyes on me.

"Aaaaaku? emmm, not yet" I replied nervously, and grew nervous as I twisted the Deri jacket I was wearing without putting my arm in.

"Hhhehhh why are you so nervous?" ask her back while frowning her white forehead.

"Hmmm, can I guess, you actually have a partner? but LDRan!" guess him while calling me who had been silent on the question.

"Ih, you know" I replied jutek, because confused and while thinking about what to explain.

"Trus, why don't you answer? answer kek has, or does not have, do I not wonder". Said he again who is now changing to throw pebbles towards the crater.

"Why do I have a partner, and I don't have one yet? what business are you trying to do?" I sniffed to cover up my nervousness that I could barely say to her anymore.

"Yes dong business, if not yet brati I still have a chance, if already yes I retreat" he said again.

"What do you mean I don't understand?" ask me with a heart that has melted, between happy but confused extraordinary.

"Don't you understand?? I'm clear here, will you?" ask him who we then shut up for a moment. Maybe he wants to express something but still tries to string words together.

I who continued to be nervous and tried to calm down while continuing to twist the jacket Deri also chose to be silent without a word. I want to explain everything about me, but where should I start the story and how to start the sentence.

"Eeee" the voice was instantaneous between me and Deri as if to say something but we were together.

"Yes, you've come first" I'll leave it to Deri.

"Ehmm, you used to" throw him at me.

"No ah, you used to be, usually the first guy who.." I don't continue but then Deri like understand.

"Yes, I really want to reveal something, if I feel the same about you. It's just, we both know if we are no longer an ABG, we have grown up with each other, it means I want us to have a serious relationship. I want to know you further as my partner, which then in the near future if it is a match then we get married soon".

"Deri, are you sure you chose me as your candidate? you don't know me yourself? is this not too fast for us? I'm afraid you'll regret it" I said with courage.

"Why not be sure as long as I see you good kog." he said reassuringly.

I also went back to silence not budging. Instantly the atmosphere melted stirring there. An ever-colder egg splashed all over our tubes. Unceasingly Deri rubbed his body to slightly create warmth in his tub. I who was not happy because it had put the jacket was forced to immediately put my hand on the sleeve of the jacket that I had not been able to do because it was Deri who wore it just over my shoulder. Now I've cut the jacket tight so that my body doesn't get cold anymore, because I can't stand the cold.

"I'm not from a rich family, you can see, the bike I'm wearing is not a new bike like the others, and I'm also not one of the established guys who already have everything to prepare for marriage, so maybe it's natural that you'll reject me". He was discouraged while bowing his face.

"Not that I mean Deri. I'm just confused, because this is too fast, I don't want later we will be disappointed with each other. I beg you to give me a chance to think..." Persuade me to Deri with feelings of anxiety but has disappeared the vibration of the heart because it has turned tense.

"Okay, I can understand kog, if it wants you, I will wait until you want to answer the expression of my heart before" Said him while widening his heart as if he did not have to hunt me to immediately answer his expression.

My sweet smile was relieved to be made for him. Once again my heart melted to see his patience that would wait for me anytime I would answer his heart's feelings.

It did not feel like the day was getting late, then Deri also invited me back to the contract to take a break to prepare my energy for work the next morning after the holidays with him.

Upon my contract, I never stopped thinking about how to explain to Deri about myself. On the one hand I did expect Deri and happy to be with him, but on the other hand I did not want to linger on lying to him and denied his feelings.

Back and forth I stepped to and fro in my room, until the clanking of my bedroom wall clock showed that the night was late. I was already wearing a nightgown after cleaning myself after leaving with Deri directly dropping my body on my bed. My gaze on the ceiling of the wall that could not be separated from the shadow of Deri did not immediately find an answer to be able to explain everything to Deri about me. Until I fell asleep with a feeling that is still sad.

In my mind, I was accompanied by a dream to be in a hallway alone with a tiny baby who was so handsome. The baby was ju carrying so unfortunately as if it was my son. Before long I was walking alone in the dark and in fear, suddenly a spooky man ran towards me to chase after me. I who was scared immediately ran as fast as he could and occasionally turned to the back which apparently was not only one person who was chasing me. The longer those people are the more, the more scared, confused and run away. With gasping breaths and sweat pouring down my long hair, I ran as fast as I could, but somehow they were too crowded and someone almost grabbed me.

Suddenly I woke up from my dream with a wet body full of sweat pouring out on my pillow. My breath was still breathless feeling so tired as I stared at the wall clock that showed at 04:30 and shortly after that subub adhan looked on.

I who soon forgot about the dream did not want to think much about it. Although I had thought about what the dream meant, but soon I kept thinking to me that the dream was just a sleeping flower.

I rushed to the bath to get some water and perform the morning prayers. Rarely have I touched the worship silverware in my life, many things are negligent in me, especially at dawn, if not by misfortune, he said, or it is intentionally because I am lazy to wake up early when I find the day shift.

I who felt guilty before the Lord also complained to him about my disobedience. I confess that I am often negligent of Him, from busy afternoons, sleeping nights, and missed mornings. It is only fitting that he will punish me often. My murmurs in my heart immediately finished performing the dawn prayer.

The calm morning atmosphere, made my mind a little clear. There was a sense of urgency to immediately give an answer to Deri about the thing he revealed to me yesterday. Bewitched to me who had failed in marriage, I should not think of falling in love with a man like ABG. Moreover, Deri wants to go to seriousness. Well, even if it's something that makes me very melted, but I need to be able to selectively react to it. Because I don't want to fail a second time.

It is dawn, although I am not a woman who dreams of all men, I should have longed for a man who can be a good priest, too, not like my ex-husband used to look good, good at religious science and teaching, but after marriage all inversely proportional. So this dawn is the time for me to check if he has woken up to perform the morning prayer like I hope for the man I want to choose to become a priest.

"Hello Deri, what are you?" ask me from him who intends to explain about me on the phone as well as check if he has woken up early.

"The morning prayer, this is again a prayer mat" he replied making me melt to hear it.

My bad guess against Deri was wrong, apparently he was also a pious sososk. This makes me even more discouraged.

"How could this good Deri be with me who is this widow" I muttered inwardly, shrinking me, but not insisting on me to reveal to Deri.

"Deri, I'm sorry before if I haven't been honest with you all this time about me" began my sentence that seemed to be listened to by Deri carefully.

"I've already married Der, but divorced, Iyah more precisely my status is now a widow, so you should think again if you want to be in a relationship with me". I told him without burden.

"Why didn't you say? if you should have told me from the beginning, I don't need to get close to you, I can think first, why didn't you tell me from the beginning?" he asked as if he was angry and blamed me.

"Sorry Der.I'm so sorry, I don't know what to do, I actually like you too, I'm comfortable with you, I'm afraid that you'll stay away from me, but I can't keep lying to you, even if we can relate, this will also be like lying to myself, the beginning is hard, but now I've tried to be honest, and I'm ready whatever your decision is if you're going to stay away from me after this." Obviously I was at length but then answered hang up by Deri.

Then I tried to call him back, but he didn't seem to want to pick him up anymore. I'm sure he's as disappointed with this news as I thought.

Without feeling these tears flowing on my cheeks that are still dull from waking up. I felt lost for the second time for my love. I don't know why a Deri should exist and be able to erase any trace of my trauma to men after I failed with Bagas. The figure of the man I had always ventured to start close to each other as channeling a sense that I had always brushed on the man who tried to approach me.

But now it seems to run aground. My hope of trying to live a new life with a man seems to have me buried deep.

"Stupid, I'm stupid, who am I, didn't I want you flowers from the beginning" my murmur discouraged my heart that I immediately wiped my tears and rushed to take a shower to leave for work this morning.