CAUGHT CHEATING (I'M SORRY!)
Killer From Within
"After you have endured and been patient all this time, after you have continued to try to heal the heart only to be hurt again, after you have tried to continue to believe, hope and pray. Until then the gods change, is it fair that you finally have to separate?"
"Sil .. I'm not at that level" I said.
"meaning?" ask Sila wonder.
"Hem ... What, huh? I ... have numb the same God Bang, if I was at this point was pure because I am a mother of three very small children."
"It's not that I'm a loving wife or partner, is it, Sil! Purely because we're parents, that's all!" I light up to Sila.
"Luckily I can still think clearly, still uphold my principles as a mother, I want my children to be happy, Sil," I continued by looking into the eyes of Sila, who was not involved, hoping he can capture my struggle of maintaining responsibility even if it is full of wounds.
"I ... want to part with Bang Dewa in a good way, in order to keep our relationship good!" I was full of pressure in every sentence.
"I've had a great soul to put aside all my pain for the sake of the children, I forgive God Bang, try to make peace, and find the best way out."
"I can just go get the kids, Sil. Go straight to court and sue God Bang, all my evidence is strong! But I think it's the effect on the kids that my separation is wrong!"
"I can't be happy either because it's not the peace I got but the unrest! I know Bang Dewa will try to take custody of the child no matter what, I don't want, Sil!"
"I'm trying to have a good farewell, that's all!"
Please look at me in silence after I explain it long. She's not a mother but I hope she'll understand what I'm fighting for.
"Yes, May, you really are!" say Sila.
"One more thing, Sil, I'm tired of this situation, so tired!" I said to him, Please look at me with sympathy, the words that made my chest tight flow just spilled on him.
"I've stopped defending because I'm not strong!"
"God hurt you so much, May?" ask Sila to empathize.
"It was not the God Bang that destroyed me, Sil. But myself."
"What do you mean, May?"
"I am always haunted by anxiety, always vigilant, always bad-minded, always suspicious, afraid, regardless of whether or not the affair Bang Dewa but fear that is what destroys me from within."
"If Bang Dewa really proves cheating, there's a part of myself that laughs, he's rich saying 'have said no believe, rasaain!' gitu Sil, and if Bang Dewa does not cheat there is another part that says 'meaning love husband trust let not cheat really!' I'm tired, Sil!"
"I'm so confused which one I'm the real one, I don't understand what to believe, I-"
Suddenly I felt Sila holding me.
"Udah .. May, you calm down, relax!"
My breath hunts with a chaotic mind, this is what always a killer in silence. The most emotional secret I've ever kept.
I did not cry but laughed, Sila's embrace made me calm as if the world from the other side was accepting me as a wounded woman.
"Pull your breath first, May, slowly," guide Sila. I did as directed by Sila.
"Thank you, Sil!" I said as I took off his embrace. I'm a little calmer.
"Are you all right, May?" ask Sila.
"May .. I'm sorry I didn't mean anything but I think you need a psychologist, so you can find a solution to the anxiety," said Sila a little.
"Ehm .. don't have to now, whenever you're ready, I'll help you find the best psychologist!" continued.
"Make what, Sil? My solution is only one, split with God Bang my life must be calm again," I refused.
"I can stop caring who he's making love to, where. No more worry, no more suspicion, and most importantly all about God Bang is no longer my business, he is free from marriage and I am free from all fear of being betrayed!"
"That's fair, Sil!" my firmness.
"Things like that, Sil, are what broke me!" I said give a tree view to Sila.
Please take a deep breath, I hope he can understand my suffering.
"I've been through a long painful process, Sil! Torn, torn, until I don't know what else is left of me" I continued to shed the pain.
"I'm tired, Sil!" whinek me without counting how many times I say tired words to Sila.
"I realize, all this time I was wrong, I think my happiness is the duty and responsibility of Bang Dewa, it makes me disappointed and fell many times," I said.
"So ..want Bang Dewa nyesel or not, change what not, it is not my purpose anymore. He changed yes sukur, not yes bodo very," said I gave a conclusion.
"Yes, May, I get it now" said Sila began to understand.
"So ... You're separated?" ask Sila.
"Yes. For the good of all!" I said, Please look at me doubtfully.
"I can apologize Bang Dewa and re-improve, either for how many times, but .. The possibility for me to escape from negative thoughts in my own brain is very small!" I tried to bring Sila back deeper into my perspective.
"The change of the God Bang will also not guarantee that the negative thoughts will go away and do not attack me anymore" I explained.
"Again the evil God Bang destroyed my trust many times, all my love and loyalty were met with thorns!"
When I remember this the tightness will return, I take a deep breath to fight this pain. The arrival of Sila gave one positive thing, I was able to freely reveal about the pent-up pain, all flowing just by reducing the heavy burden on my head and heart.
"I hate, I'm angry, I'm disappointed, hurt, I cry, I want to curse, curse, curse, say a lot of harsh and evil sentences because of the same God Bang. I've done everything, Sil! And nothing has changed, Lord Bang my hianatin god! All I haven't done is make peace, try sincerely, and let go, poke-"
Uncompleted my sentence I suddenly felt an embrace landing so tightly on my back. I who was being stung because the length of my last sentence to Sila felt very surprised and difficult to breathe normally. I was in a very emotional state for expressing my feelings to Sila.
Please look backwards as if giving more space to someone behind me. I know very well whose hand hugged me, the burly hand that hurt my life and soul so much.
"Sorry papah, Mah!" said bang Dewa very sobbing.
Bang God drowned his face on my neck and shoulders, until I felt the wetness flowing through it. The god Bang is crying again. Baby, I don't care.
Is he eavesdropping? I fell asleep at my conversation with Sila until I was unconscious since when the God Bang left the balcony and suddenly appeared behind me like this.
The body of the God Bang shook violently until my body shook with it. In front of me Sila lowered her gaze with a sad expression.
I tried to regain control of my breath with some distress, as the heavy body weight of Bang Dewa contrasted sharply with my thin flattened body. The posture of the body withered which eventually made Bang God lose his taste.
"Sorry, Mah, sorry .. don't stay in papah," he whined shamelessly in front of Sila.
"Detach .. If it is rich my body can be crushed!" I said to her protesting against a hug that was too tight.
Bang Dewa took off his embrace, he pulled my body until I stood up from my chair, then Bang Dewa bent both knees and threw it to the ground. Quickly the God Bang re-embraced my feet from his kneeling position.
"Please ... You are not ashamed to be seen Please?" say him.
"I don't care .. I don't want to share with you!" reject the God Bang with great childishness.
I can no longer judge which is real and which is fake from him. I am tired of wishing and even tired of praying. I just want my life back. If my life is good without her then I will let go.
Tight and heavy, my chest cavity that had started to loose again felt full. I can't lie, there's still a small part of me still flattered and touched by the words of mercy that come out of her. But the other part of me was already very bland and refused even though he was prostrating his mercy.
"Deliver!" revolted.
"I'm a very dirty man, who's been mean to you, I don't deserve to be called a husband, but .. I'm sorry, Mah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what I have to be low anymore because I've been so despicable in your eyes."
"Don't go, I beg you! Give this stupid man a chance to live properly in your eyes!"
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