Not Just a Shadow

Chapter 63

I took a deep breath lifting my head and looking into Mas Ferdian's eyes stabilized my feelings so that my voice wouldn't sound vibrating.

“Use your obligations as a husband, give what is right to your wife.” The gaze that Mas Ferdian gave me ached, my stubbornness that I had been guarding collapsed before him as my tears flowed.

“As clearly as you say,” I turned my face away wiping my cheek-drenched tears without a puff.

“I just want to do that with the people I love.” Mas Ferdian cupped my face and made me look at him, his eyes radiating sadness.

The sound of bells ringing repeatedly disturbed us who were still staring at each other without opening our lips after Mas Ferdian's statement.

“Open the door.” I lowered my gaze, my face still in the warm fist.

Mas Ferdian stood up, walking towards the door after I told him to open the door. I saw his lackluster steps. I looked at the back that I missed, wanting me to hug it resting my head on its back.

He heard her talking to the courier who delivered the food, which I had heard ordered by phone earlier. I stepped into the bathroom wiping my tears, washing my face patting my cheek to look refreshed I immediately returned to the sofa.

“Dek, come maem first.” His voice sounded like I missed.

“Where was Ferdian? I hope in the future as it is now as if there is nothing. Can release each other with happy hearts.” My mind sees every movement of its hand that opens the food wrapper and presents it to me.

“Thank you Mas,”

“How was your lecture?” the question was far from the topic earlier, making me feel an incongruity in my heart.

“Alhamdulillah smoothly, I apply for graduation. I took the exam yesterday."

“Thank God, walk without burdening you. I'll keep transferring money to you, don't work too hard. Enjoy your days, redeem your former difficulties happily in the present. I don't want to hear you are tired let alone sick just by busyness. The day that has passed cannot be played back so do not let you live the day with regret as Mas live this time.” I listened to her words filled with regret, a mouthful of food I put in my mouth hurt for me to swallow. Mas Ferdian spoke looking at me with a sharp gaze as if I should do as he said.

“Don't transfer anymore Mas, I'm not the person you should be spending.” without warning without any sign Mas Ferdian directly devoured my lips, piercing my body to make my back rest tightly with the padded sofa. It made me swallow the food that was still in my mouth without chewing it.

“Em... em.. “ I tried to rebel, keeping his burly chest firmly attached to my body.

Mas Ferdian was still forcefully devouring my lips without me retaliating, I was still trying to keep his body away from my body. His left hand was still holding tightly to my bend and his right hand was holding my hand which was flailing his arm. Finally I gave up on being tired, I was lulled by the soft movements of her lips when I was no longer fighting her. I followed every movement of her lips.

“Finally this is what happened, I no longer have faith in your presence Mas.” I held my hands around her neck, exhausted from breathing due to the long duration of the kiss. Mas Ferdian slipped his face into my neck which was still covered in a veil that had loosened. The sound of the stuffing, made the rhythm of my breath soften. Part of his body was still piercing me, I rubbed his head gently.

“I want selfish Deck, allow me to be selfish. Allow me to be selfish. I do not want to live my life in the future with regret, although later I will be exhausted to go back and forth there is not what is important I will not be in pain because I miss you, because I miss you, no pain in hearing you with another man. I can't imagine how agitated I would be.” For a moment he was silent, feeling Mas Ferdian sniffing my neck. Her breath was warm until the skin of my neck hit the veil.

“Honey, I beg you. I'll make sure you I'm legally married. And you are the only one in my heart. I beg you dear.” Mas Fer, hold me tighter.

“I beg you,” Mas Fer looked at me expectantly, still overlapping my body without changing our position.

“Mas, I hope this as our most beautiful farewell. But, I don't want to be the third person in your household. I understand your decision to marry Ms. Rin, but I don't want any polygamy. I don't want to spend the day waiting for my turn. If the feeling of happiness is a selfish attitude. (my tears flow by themselves, looking into his eyes my fingers have traced his face, gently stroking his cheeks, etc, stroking his chin that was already thick by hair that was no longer in the crack as it used to be either intentionally or indeed already did not care about his appearance) I also wanted to be selfish, too, I just want to be the only woman in my husband's life, only I am in my husband's mind, only I will be missed by my husband, only my body will be touched by my husband. Only I was by my husband's side, in every drop of his sweat and in every moment he spent not with me would only be used to fight to give me a happiness and a future for my daughter's son.” Mas Fer stared at every movement of my lips alternately by looking into my eyes, stroking my temple which was crossed by my tears that flowed by themselves.

“Mas, magrib.” Mas Fer slightly sat down, leaning his head on the back of the sofa.

“Never think if this is our last meeting or our last contact.” Mas Fer said it by closing my eyes without looking at me still leaning on the back of the sofa does not move even though along with the sound of adhan that is not so loud heard from my phone that is still in the bag without having the intention for me to turn it off.

“Honestly I can't make it my day without you, and I've tried. I've proven that even though I'm busy myself with a myriad of activities, my mind still thinks of you. We are not two days together, nor two years together. No matter how sick you are, I feel the same. And maybe I can't start my life with anyone else.” My heart is heavy, making my lips mute not responding to what Mas Ferdian said. I was still staring at him, one leg still stuck in his left thigh.

“Remember what Mas said!” Mas Ferdian straightened his head and gave a sharp look.

“Wouldn't that make me worse than polygamy, Mas?”

“You don't want my legal wife status, but I want us to still have Dek contact, that's all I want. Sometimes I come here and we can meet. Would you not allow that?”

“Mas asks or emphasizes this and more requires me to fulfill what mas expect?”

“Thank you I am the most evil person, and you are a prisoner!” I smiled sadly.

“I want to pray Mas,” I stand without saying anymore. Mas Fer clasped my hand as I stepped past him.

“Let me pray first ask for forgiveness after making out with the husband of the person and do not know what other sins later I will do.” Mas Fer took off his grip, he followed me to the bathroom and took some water.

Mas Fer imitated my prayer, reciting the holy verse with a voice that shook as if to endure the pain in his chest. I performed the prayer with a whimpering heart filled with worry in my heart remembering all that Mas Ferdian had expected of me. After greeting, long time he did not turn his body do’a solemnly. Makes me satisfied to look at his back, just by staring at his back alone has seen how handsome he is. I stood up without waiting for him to turn around and asked me to shake hands like he always did. I packed food on the table that we could not carry on.

“Mas, I want to go back. I'll order a taxi no need to drive me. Rest, go home after your heart is calmer.” I said after seeing him standing cross-legged.

“My heart will never be calmer if you don't allow me to marry you.” I breathed hearing his words.

“Why that's again Mas you said, we were talking at length.”

“Currently no math lesson Dek!”

“Yes, I know. Then what should I do? I’m tired, you know! I don't want to be in this kind of state continue, I don't want to feel pinched.I beg you, Mas.”

“Do you not love me anymore?” I exhaled my breath rough.

“Should I answer? Should you ask that, Mommy?” I grabbed my bag and rushed out of the room.

“Okey, okay I’m sorry. I'm sorry, mas emotion.” Ferdian stopped my steps, hugging me from behind.

“All this has troubled me Mas, you know you filled my days all this time, and you are the first to give this feeling. After what happened, you question it. You added to my pain Mas!” my tears burst out full of sobs.

The next episode yes…