THE SHADOW OF THE PAST
The BML Part 37
#SHADOW_MASA_LAST
#BML37
There is nothing I can say except tears that do not stop flowing.
"Where is Rangga now?" bulik Lulik asked me, I just nodded.
"The new flight from Kalimantan, he lied to us, he said everything was fine, we thought he was here we called again when he got here, it turns out he was moved there a few months ago" explained Anis Rangga's older sister.
I slightly raised my face, looking at Mba Anis, meaning according to what Vania said, Rangga moved far away.
"It's a big problem, you married we all became a witness, you involved us, why this big problem you decide for yourself, even though we are far away from your family" continued bulik.
She just cried, and so did my mother.
"What happened exactly?, Bulik had long suspected something was wrong, but did not expect something this big".
"Wait for Rangga bulik" I said withholding my sobs.
Bulik Lulik looking at mba Anis.
"It should not be long Lik, he said the flight at 2. It's almost 7 o'clock" Anis explained
All were silent, only a sobbing sound could be heard.
"Assalamo"
All eyes were on the door, my chest pounding.
"Waalaikumsalam, comein".
Bulik Lulik is in control, "sit down".
His order to Rangga, I don't know how many months we haven't met, Rangga looked at my distended stomach, our gaze clashed, it felt like my chest.
"Rangga, tell me what really happened?" Bulik Lulik immediately interrogated Rangga without giving him a pause.
Rangga looked doubtful, but finally he managed to tell me everything, this tense situation made my stomach stiff and my head hurt. It hurts even more when the wound is cut back.
"Crazy for you" suddenly Anis cursed his sister.
"You too Bill, why don't you call us at all, mama calls you say you're okay". Show me.
"Until Nabila's stomach is this big, you don't know your wife is pregnant" asked Bulik Lulik, Rangga begged.
"Why didn't you tell Rangga?" Bulik looked at me.
"If you have tried to contact, but if the phone is not picked up, Rangga also did not try to contact Nabila again". I said with a stifled cry. I didn't tell you about my phone call that a woman picked up.
Rangga looked at me, he seemed surprised to hear my words.
"Are you not picking up Nabila's phone?" Tanya bulik lulik to Rangga.
Rangga.
"Why, what's the reason? Why don't you lift it?"
"Rangga thought Nabila would ask Rangga to stay away from him again, Because If it does not need Rangga anymore". Rangga.
"Why did you conclude that?". Mba Anis asked her sister.
" Rangga got a photo of Nabila with another man, Rangga also saw Nabila himself delivered by the man"
"What do you mean?" I'm confused.
"Karina sent me a picture of you with a man you guys look so close, I waited in front of the house to see for myself, the same man who drove you home on your birthday"
"Marina?" My toot. Rangga.
"Just seeing that you've retreated?" ask mba Anis looks emotional "why don't you come ask yourself to Nabila just play feelings, guessing, you are married not dating anymore" attack mbak Anis it to his sister.
"Rangga is afraid of hurting Nabila again, Rangga just wants him to be happy, even if not with Rangga" reason Rangga
"Haduuh, you ahh, hemm, what's wrong with you?, you used to convince us, now convince yourself you can't, the older it is not the older it is the opposite". Mba Anis looks furious at Rangga, she clenches her hand.
"You too, who's that guy?" Ask bulik to me. Now's turn.
"Friends bulik, friends at the Clinic, If not just the two When with many friends at that time, Wira drove Bila because we were in the same direction" I pleaded, although not entirely true.
Rangga kept looking at me. Every now and then our views collide but I don't know what I'm feeling right now, all mixed into one.
"What do you want to be like now? Misconceptions have been cleared up, remember this is marriage not courtship, think adults do not be childish like this" bulik began to cool down.
"Rangga is still entitled to you, if he asks you to refer, you must not refuse him" added Bulik Lulik
I raised my face, heard Lulik's bulik speech, and looked at Rangga, I used to want it, miss it, but the feeling was now eroded. No, not because of my togetherness with the Hero, but because of my own despair that faded my love for him.
"The ladder?" call her mama," the decision is in your hands again now think carefully". Continue mama.
Rangga looked at me, I looked at him sharply. He tried to look for that feeling in my eyes, which would probably be hard to see again after his departure all along.
"Rangga wants to talk to Nabila"
Rangga stood up, he came to me, he held my hand that I put on my thigh, and pulled me up. Take me up to my room.
Rangga opened the door, I entered first, he followed me, then closed the door again.
I walked towards the window, stood behind him, taking my eyes off.
Rangga held my dangling hand, then kissed it, I closed my eyes, my chest was pounding, there was upheaval in me.
"Dear forgive me?" He said, there was a sob in there.
For a long time I did not hear the message, my tears could not be held, I bit my lips, to calm the explosion in my heart.
I still kept silent, unable to say anything. All flavors mixed into one.
"Darling, give me one more chance, to make amends for all my mistakes, a chance to replace our lost and wasted time"
"Accept me with your heart, not out of compulsion or out of necessity"
Rangga turned my body around, so I could clearly catch her face with both of my eyes.
Not much has changed from that face, only more gaunt, he still remains as handsome as he used to be.
I stared at him without feeling, where the vibration went, where my dusting race went, whether the taste was really dead.
"Darling, you can punish me as you please, but please don't stay away from me anymore"
"I'm away? Rangga you who stayed away from me, you who left me" I said cynically
"Once I ask you to come back, I step on my pride, I put it under my feet, I throw away my ego, I ignore my wounds, I call you after I read your writing, but what?, you ignore me"
I half-screamed not to accept.
"Darling I'm sorry, I misunderstood you".
"Why don't you choose to be jealous, so that I can see that you really still love me" I said withholding my tears.
Rangga was silent not answering me.
"How, if there is another man who loves me more, will you also let me go? Under the pretext of my happiness?"
My tone of voice was still rising, I looked at him with a sharp look.
"You think that as small as I am to you, you think that is how shallow my love is to you, until only in an instant able to replace your position in my heart".
My face looked up at his face
I looked at him sharply, this was not hatred just an expression of old resentment held back.
"Darling, I'm wrong I'm sorry, for our son's sake, we start all over again".ask Rangga, her hand wants to hold my distended stomach, I wag it.
"He's my son" I said, throwing my eyes the other way.
"Honey, what do you want, what do you want now" she asked me.
I nodded, I didn't want anything.
"I want you to be my wife again, I want to refer you" Rangga said later.
I looked back at him.
"Do I have the right to refuse" I replied.
"But please don't expect more from me, your rejection of me, and your departure leaves pain here" I said pointing to my chest.
"I will make you love me again" Rangga said later.
Was I happy with his decision, if that was what he said a few months ago, it would be. But now, honestly not.
Rangga clung to my hand, and brought me back to the middle of the trial.
All eyes were staring at me and Rangga.
"We decided to get back together" Rangga said, his hand clasping me tightly.
Everyone looks happy, except me, somehow I can't accept it.
I forced him to smile, even though it was very difficult. My stomach feels so tense.
Where's armandku? I didn't see him
"Where's Armand?" Tanyaku later.
"When playing with Arya in the back room" replied bulik.
"If you'll excuse me" I said.
I walked slowly, towards the back room.
"Darling" pangilku.
"Armand turned to me and got up from his seat and ran to hug me.
"When you want to have a sister?".anyanya enthusiastic to see my distended stomach.
"Yes, let Armand play" I said.
"I'm sorry, it's because of Arya yes" Arya approached me, she felt bad for me because all the family knew.
"Dear, you really should be like this, a brother who feels guilty never involves family"
"So how did Rangga come home?, where did he turn out?" Ask Arya later.
"Is there Rangga?" Armand asked, interspersing Arya's question with me.
"Yes in front" I replied to Armand first.
"Sister Bil, Armand to the front first yes" he said. I also nodded and smiled. He rushed forward.
"Rangga has been in Kalimantan, we have misunderstood" I replied to Arya.
"Mas Rangga asked brother to come back to him?". I'm nagging. "Wouldn't you?"
Ask again.
"Sister has no right to refuse, sister pregnant during iddah brother until this baby is born, as long as it is also brother can not refuse if Rangga wants to refer" I explained to Arya.
"Don't you look happy about this?"
I smiled bitterly.
"Is it because of the Wira?" Further.
I'm dodging.
"It's not because of Wira, but indeed the sense of brother to Rangga has eroded along with the expectations of brother who lost yesterday"
I sighed, trying to control my heart.
"Then if you refer, how about Wira mas?, Arya see that Wira loves you very much"
Deg, my chest is a little jolted, how do I tell him.
It is not possible, but it is wrong, I should not let the Hero approach me, besides that I am still in iddah, it will also make him expect a lot of my love.
But everything just flows, I can't contain it or I don't really want to contain it. I'm just looking for a justification for myself. As strong and tough as anything, I am still a woman who wants to be noticed and always loved.
And when Rangga left without caring, Wiralah who is always there and attention to me, and also my baby, is it wrong if I feel comfortable with him.
The hero is always there for me, the woman who treats the wounds in my heart, there is something in my chest, what I would say to her, for the first time these tears come out for the Lady.
Did I fall in love with her, I don't know, but I couldn't help getting her hurt. I thought our expressions and jokes were without feeling, it turned out that I was wrong.
Arya wiped my tears, our togetherness for some time was enough to make her understand what I was feeling.
"Sister follow the choice of brother's heart, if indeed brother can not accept back brother Rangga should not be forced. Talk about it again".
"It didn't take time, it all happened so fast".
I took Arya to the front to gather with other families. Everyone looks happy, Armand is playing with Rangga.
I hope he doesn't meet Mas Firman, their faces are really the same, it will certainly add new problems.
Every now and then Rangga looked at me, I tried to bring a longing for him, but I could not, a little vibration when looking at him just did not want to feel. Did that really go away?
I say goodbye to the room first, this pregnancy does make me tired easily.
When you want what you want, your pride has returned, but why don't you feel happy in the least..
I put down my body, after the Isya prayer. Rangga followed me to the room.
"It's a shame that I took a shower" he said, then went to the bathroom.
I woke up from my sleep, walked to the closet, everything was still the same, the clothes were still there.
I pulled it from the pile of folds, and put it at the end of the bed, and went back to laying down my body. Almost 7 months into my pregnancy, I tilted my body.
I pretended to close my eyes when I heard Rangga coming out of the bathroom. He seemed to be wearing his clothes, before how long I heard his steps approaching me.
I felt her hands rub my head, then kissed my forehead.
"Honey, I miss you" he said slowly.
Rangga's hand rubbed my distended stomach, and I felt his kiss
"Papa's coming" he said.
I wish my heart would shake, but I can't yet. It may take time, I try to tolerate my race.
----
"Wake up, pray first". Rangga's voice woke me up, heavy I opened my eyes.
There was Rangga in my room at night a bit too loud, but it seems like he slept in my room for the first time.
I woke up and took ablution after Rangga. This is our first time praying in this room. There was too much drama the other day until now and not until when.
After the prayer, I unpacked my bag, I haven't had time to take out my clothes.
Rangga approached me, and helped me.
"Where are you from? After traveling, huh?" Asked Rangga while putting my dirty clothes that I had separated into the basket.
"Yes" I replied briefly.
"Emm baby, I have to go back to samarinda next week"
"Yes"
Hearing my short answer Rangga pulled me and sat me in the bed, he then sat down under me.
"Darling, I know it's not easy for you to take me back, but I won't repeat my mistakes again to give up, allow me to make amends for all my mistakes".
Rangga said her hand was holding my hand tightly.
"I don't know, my race, which used to be hot on you, has evaporated over time, every day my race is getting eroded when there's no word from you, my presupposition that you don't care that I'm stuck in my heart, I'm sorry this is really hard for me". I threw my eyes away.
"I saw him that morning, the same man who drove you that night, I wanted to try again to express my feelings, but I don't know what I had in mind at the time, I thought you had actually found my bride".
Rangga didn't tell me that last night. Kumenatapnya. What else is he hiding.
"I'm jealous baby, I'm sick but I realize I hurt you, I don't have the guts to take your refusal back to attend"
"Who is that guy really? He looks so in love with you, right"
The look on Rangga's face changed, and it's hard to describe.
"Wira, he's a Doctor at the Clinic, I explained last night" I replied .
"So friends?a co-worker? That close?"
Read Rangga to me.
"I just considered him a friend nothing more than that, at first. But if over time only he is always there for me, and hope for you fades, what's wrong if I take my race away".it's right from my heart or just want him to be jealous.
"Yes I realize, our business is not finished, there should be no other man near me, but the man who should take care of me is you, does not care about me, and when the Hero is present gives all his heart to me, he said, I was still expecting you, but as my hope for you faded, this love for you disappeared even more as the wounds that the Hero had healed.
All those words just slid off, without me caring about Rangga's feelings.
"Do you love her too?" Rangga looked at me her eyes were reddened.
"Don't ask me that feeling, I don't love you or him, I just don't want to see him hurt, I don't want to hurt him". My cries are held back.
"But you can see me hurt?".
Rangga looked at me, waiting for my answer to his question.
"Perhaps, don't you do it to me often?"
My anger over her treatment all this time still can't be appeased.
"You want to repay me?"
"I don't know, I'm just saying what I'm feeling right now" I replied.
Rangga kissed my hand.
"I accept it, we'll fix it all, I'll never let you go again. Even if your love for me isn't what it used to be, over time that love will definitely come back"
Rangga looked at me, still looking at him coldly.
"I want to take a shower first, I have to get ready for the office" I said.
"Many families here, you shouldn't take a vacation". Pinta Rangga to me.
I just nodded, besides it was an order, his words were true.
I stood up and took a bath, my movements were limited with my stomach getting bigger.
A shower is enough to refresh this heart and body.
I combed my hair, seeing Rangga emerge from behind the open door.
Rangga walked towards me, and stopped behind me.
"Hmm, honey, it's beautiful" Rangga wrapped her hand around my puck, and rubbed my stomach.
"Funny yes, Rangga continued to gently rub my stomach"
Doubt rested on my shoulder, I saw his smile from the mirror in front of me. He doesn't care about my cold attitude.
"Honey I take a shower first yes" said Rangga, his lips peeked at my cheeks, feeling warm even though blocked by my hair that decomposes.
He did not wait for my response, a moment later there was the sound of water from the bathroom.
----
That day Rangga took Armand out for a walk with other families. I chose to be home because carrying my stomach was heavy, but my mood was still very chaotic.
I sat down where I and Wira usually chatted, I prepared my heart to pass this news to her. Whether I begin to accept his presence in my heart, or just because of my gratitude and my love like to others.
I don't know yet, I shouldn't have accepted his offer, to stay close to me, even if there's no deal, but it's going to hurt both of us.
"Mba, if you haven't eaten yet"
Nini approached me, yes I did not come to breakfast this morning.
"Nin Laper yet" I replied slowly.
"Huwaaaa" I was shocked when Nini suddenly cried in annoyance
"Sorry Nini mba, Nini is annoyed, if Rangga mas returned, what doctor sir?, Nini did not have the heart mba, Nini saw for herself, sir Doctor is so fond of attention to mba Bila, Bila, mr. Doctor who has been guarding mba Bila, Nini has wished him forever the same mba Bila"
The girl sniffled, she was always expressive, I wiped my tears coming out.
I haven't thought about it, now that all the families are together, I don't want them to be disappointed.
----
"Which other one?"
I was sitting on the living room sofa when Rangga came.
"They still want to walk, Arya who accompanies them"
Rangga replied, he then sat next to me.
"Why did you come home first?" Much
"I miss dear" Rangga said to me and hugged me.
"Very missed" he said again.
I was still silent, a kiss of Rangga darted on my cheek.
Rangga came down from the sofa, now he's under me, his hands crossed on my lap.
"Darling, mama again chatted, males talking to papa, we both ajha who chatted?" Rangga spoke in front of my distended stomach, then his ear was taped to my stomach.
"What, adek aja who chat with papa, emm papa apologise yes nemenin adek kemaren, this abis papa temenin adek continue yes"
I let Rangga talk to himself, but he looks so engrossed as if the baby is actually answering.
I smiled a little amusedly, O God, soften this heart
"What the hell, not funny" I said, I just put my lips together. Rangga half woke up so that the position of our faces aligned.
"What the hell?" when she looked at me with an unusual look, her lips gave a smile.
"Honey "
Rangga cupped his two hands on the side of my face.
Closer to his face until our eyebrows collide, I try to scavenge the rest of the love that is in my heart, or rather try to tear down my prestige and selfishness that is now ruling me.
My tears just came out, for what kind of taste, when all the flavors piled into one.
Rangga wiped my tears with his thumb. And then holding me there, honey I still love you, it's so painful to admit this. But why would I hide it again when you're here. Even though my pain is as great as my love. But I just want you.
"Dear" I said
Rangga immediately raised both my arms, his eyes sparkled to see me, his eyebrows raised and that smile, I really do not like.
"You evil awww", I hit that chest softly and then buried my face back there.
"You know? you're the most annoying, the most insensitive, the most evil person in my life, but you're the only one who has captured my heart, imprisoned my love, shackling my soul until it's just you, you, and you, I don't like that"
My speech
"You did it to me too, you threw away the key somewhere, so that only love for you was here, there was no room for any other love, just you, you, and you, no more, but I like that" Rangga replied to me.
Rangga hugged me, the feeling did not go away, the sense that it did not die just the prestige of acknowledging and the ego that returned to control.
"Honey, I'm sorry, I promise I won't leave you again" he said.
Seriate
