THE SHADOW OF THE PAST

BML Part 1's

"When..."

I looked at the voice that sounded my name.

My chest immediately rippled, a meeting I was not expecting.

Ayu, well he's my best friend from childhood. It's been almost 8 years since I've seen each other again after that incident.

Ayu walked quickly towards me. He looked at me from top to bottom to top. And then hugged me with her cherry. I'm still sculpting.

"Hay you look at the devil" said Ayu later.

"Maa sorry Ay, said I cangung" I returned his embrace.

"How are you ?" Ask then

Ayu doesn't change still as chatty as before. We went to a caffeshop to continue our conversation.

Actually I don't have any problems with Ayu or anything bad. It's just that meeting her slightly opened up my past wounds. Because meeting him will make me remember the Word.

Mas Firman is Ayu's older brother, a man in my past who is also my ex-husband.

I have a bad past. The absence of supervision from my parents made me cross the norm.

I finally got pregnant out of wedlock when I was 16.

I live with my mother's grandmother, my family is not a happy person. My mother had to be willing to work hard in the country of people while my father worked as a driver between the islands of Java, Sumatra

My sister's sister joined my father's grandmother on the island of Sumatra . Every now and then in a few months my father visits me.

Even though we are pregnant, our relationship still has no blessing.

Mas Firman threatened to elope with me and also because of the insistence of my grandmother's other family who happened to have his daughter-in-law in the police force the Firman family married us.

On condition that after marriage we should not live together.

Because Firman had to continue his studies.

My family accepted the deal.

I didn't go to school while I was pregnant.

My desire to be able to live with the man I love is getting further and further away from reality.

Even though we have married the family mas Firman seems to cut off communication from all directions.

Even so that I can no longer relate to the Word.

My best friend then they move to another school that I myself also do not know where before I and mas Firman married.

I was 6 months pregnant, all the talk, gossip, sneers I just missed. I don't care about anyone else now I'm just thinking about my baby, my family and my parents things I didn't think about before because I was drunk with love.

"Think e most yen in tengi anak e wong sugih iso kepenak ngunu most urip e, jebule wkwkwkwkwkwk" (He thought if impregnated children rich people can be good so his life, it turns out wkwkkw)

One of my neighbors chattering that was gossiping, they deliberately loud his voice when I was drying in front of the house.

"Ga need to be in lebokne ati nduk" (do not need to put the heart) said my grandmother slowly while holding my shoulder. I also just nodded.

The scorn, the scorn, the blasphemy, the diatribe, became my daily food. My grandmother made me strong and accepted me and always supported me and my hope in the Word.

"Mbah mangke yen dalem sampun lahiran dalem bade school malih mbah" (Nek later if I have given birth I will go to school again), I said one day. My pregnancy has been 7 months.

"Iyo nduk kudu sek duwur school, kudu dadi wong gede dadi wong success not dongakno continue nduk" (iya nduk, must be high school, must be high school, must be a big person must be a successful person I pray for continue to nduk) said my grandmother while massaging my feet slowly with coconut oil.

My time of giving birth is getting closer but I don't know where the Word is. I'm trying to figure out everything as if it's a compact shut up.

I went through it all by myself without the gentle touch of soothing a husband. All I must swallow with the fruit of my own iniquity. Tell me why you are so brave to me.

That day my stomach was so stiff that it hurt, it seemed like this baby was struggling to get out to see the world.

"Mbah Jum niki until opening 5" (mbah Jum is already opening 5) he said later.

I don't really understand what they're talking about. I was enjoying tremendous pain.

After such a painful struggle.

I finally heard her crying voice that broke the atmosphere.

"Alhamdulilah... Jaler " (Alhamdulilah mbak .. guy) Susi midwife brought towards my grandmother who had been crying.

"Rul tulung in adzani le" (Rul please in adzani nak) pinta my grandmother in mas Sahrul niece.

A week passed I was still rigidly taking care of my son whom I had not given his name. I was helped by his grandmother and sister who I mbahlik.

"Nduk jur piye your plan bibar iki?" (So continue how you plan to do after this) Ask my dear, I just dodged because I was still confused.

"Karepku ngene lo nduk, you kudu neruske school, lah thole iki yen mbakyu jum momong dewe lak mesakne to. Liyaliyane's business. Bojomu yo blas ora enek kabare, family pak Sudrajat kabeh yo wes ora business "

(I mean like this, you're going to have to go to school. Lah this child if mbak jum who takes care of himself is pity. Not another problem. Your husband has no news at all. Mr. Sudrajat's family no one wants to know).

I was silent my mind was completely empty

"Your wak lak dear to ambek your son?" (Did you love your son?)

I nodded slowly.

"Karepku yen mbakyu agree you agree your mother's father agrees, iki tole ben in your bull dealings. God willing kabeh guaranteed. Anakke mbahlik sek alhamdulilah wes mapan kan bulikmu iku"

(I mean if you agree, you agree, your mother's father agrees, this child will take care of your aunt. God willing, all is guaranteed. My son is well established, your aunt).

The length of Mbahlik spoke at its core so that my son's life is guaranteed and also because the Lulik boulevard has been married for 6 years has not been blessed with a baby.

After mbahlik called my mother and my father expressed his point and they agreed to mbah who was a bit objectionable did not want to be selfish. All for my son's sake.

"Take care of yourself, don't repeat the same mistake, remember your parents, family and children" the bullek Lulik took my hand.

"Bulek will take good care of your son. You can meet him at any time, but not as a child but your brother, all for the good of us all". I can't hold back my tears.

I kissed that little baby's forehead. It's heavy, but I can do what. Bulik sent me to another city, he left me to his college friends first.

I went to school there. They promised to help me with my school and college expenses later.

Bulik often sent photos of my son and reported his growth. Here I started a new life. Become a new person and bury myself in my dark past.

I really wanted to change my life. My dark past became a whip for me to get better. I finally graduated with good grades. I got a scholarship to attend a university.

---

My son is 2 years old, this is the first time I've seen him in person.

O God, I cannot endure this heartache.

He smiled and saw me and salim. I hugged him tightly and kissed him. I almost got out of control.

" Bulik .. Armand deck is very funny "my words force a smile while holding my sobs.

"Liat Kak Nabila bring what is this...? I pulled out some toys I bought before I went home.

My little man was enthusiastic about opening his new toy.

My eyes are still sharp, and still sitting close to him. Bulik lulik rubbed my shoulders, I grabbed his hand.

I stood up and sat down on the sofa, as the bulik thrust a brown envelope at me.

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