THE SHADOW OF THE PAST
The BML Part 30
#SHADOW_MASA_LAST
#BMLPart30
LinDa Vin's
Kuseka my tears, strengthen my own bath. I rushed to wash my face and change my clothes, shedding my tired body and soul. Enjoying my own night and the cloudy heart that dwells in the dark embrace of the night, asleep in the arms of dreams.
I was injured again and again...
\=\=\=
"Mbak Why?" Asri asked doubtfully looking at my eyes.
"It's okay As, again touched by the same surprise last night from friends" I reasoned.
But Asri was still standing in front of me, looking at me.
"I'm sorry, Asri mba" he said slowly.
"Why apologize?, like lebaran ajha" my gura covered my wound that opened last night.
"Asri who put flowers from Mas Rangga in the room mba" he said later.
I had expected that Nini would never want to see Rangga again.
"Asri can't bear, sorry Asri mba" small circles dripped from Asri's eyes, I looked at Asri's hand, I know enough.
I've known Asri since he worked in Vienna long before I knew Rangga. Asri who is quiet, be a witness to the journey of my love and Rangga.
Rangga also helped him a lot when he was in financial problems at that time.
More than just a debt of gratitude, but unfortunately for us.
The matakupun water I can't hold its path, it just flows. Kumenyekanya.
"Bak is okay, I understand" I said to calm him down
"Where's this?" ask again.
"Nini shopping to the market, the food is ready if you want breakfast" replied Asri later.
"Mba, Asri back first, later if you need anything pangil only" he said. I nodded and smiled.
Rangga, not that love should strengthen each other, but my love for you makes me weak.
Until now you haven't tried to contact me again. Until when do you want to pick up Bil?
Nini has prepared milk on the table, breakfast that alone has made my stomach full. I asked Asri to prepare me for supplies.
I opened my phone, happy birthday from the Word, learned where he could write these beautiful words, ended a question, what can I give in response. I choose to silence him.
"Mba, this is the provision" said Asri.
"Consider ajha "my door.
"And I didn't bring a car last night".
"Is she?"
My mind was too upset, so I forgot I picked up Vivian yesterday, drove home from Wira. My car's still in the office.
"Wawan where?"
"It's gone to the barn"
"Keep going to his office how?" I scratched my head that wasn't itchy.
I was just about to open my bag back to pick up my phone to order a taxi online when I heard the sound of people saying greetings.
"Try to see rich there is a guest "my door to Asri, he still carries my provisions in his hands, and walks forward.
"Mas Doctor" Asri said after returning.
Turns out Wira, she must remember that I didn't bring the car, but I forgot myself.
I went to the front, Asri followed me while carrying my laptop in his other hand and the provisions he still carried.
"Hi" broom. Wira waiting for me in the light.
His eyes narrowed watching my face. He must have seen it in my eyes.
The hero took my lunchbox and Laptop from Asri's hand.
"Bareng?!" He said, I nodded. He put my stuff and my laptop in the back. Then open the car door for me.
The hero left my yard.
"You're crying?" Tanya Wira broke the silence.
"Yes, it was you who said that the cry could make the heart comfortable" I replied.
"Yes, but there has to be a reason and not just keep going". My wife sees me sad.
"Emm, for the tips, let it be all cepet cross" said I want to escape from other questions Wira.
"Compress using cold water" he replied.
Today the hero looks more serious than usual.
"Don't think too much about your own feelings Bil, stress is not good for the fetus, the bad impact is great for fetal development, so please don't be selfish". The hero looked at me for a moment.
The hero's words were right, yes it was the Doctor, but indeed I should not have too long to drag on with this feeling.
"Yes, Doctor, thank you for reminding me" I said to Wira.
"Sometimes you have to forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve"
"I don't like to see you grieve Bill, you deserve happiness, take your right not to enjoy your pain". Wira.
I took a breath in hearing the words of the Hero, he was right again, I had to be happy for the sake of this fetus that was in my stomach.
Wira's car stopped in front of my office, I never told her the address. Where do you know my office is here.
"Where do you know my office is here?" ask me then before going down.
The hero just smiles.
"Emm followed ajha's heart, she asked to come here" he replied.
"Where there is, your heart is google map" Wira laughed to hear me.
The hero went down, and brought my things to the front.
"Here is ajha". My love.
"Thank you for everything" I continued.
The hero smiled and nodded. I was still standing looking at him until he got in the car, and until his car disappeared from my eye catch.
"Sister, that's who the hell, Sintia saw last night a lot of attention to sister".
A little shocked when Sintia emerged from the office's connecting door to the boutique.
"Doctor Wira, he works at the Clinic". My answer.
Sintia brought my stuff, we rushed upstairs.
"Take Sintia he had a taste to Big Brother, Sintia can see from the way he looked at brother last night"
Sintia sat her ass in the front seat of my desk.
I just smiled at Sintia's words.
"Beauty, cute, considerate, but Kok Sintia prefers Mr. Andre ya hehehe" said Sintia while chuckling.
I just shook my head.
-----
I opened my supplies that were prepared by Asri, while checking my phone.
I have not yet returned a message from the Word. I was confused at last I just replied with a brief thank you.
Messages from Wira too, reminding me to take my vitamins.
----
Days changed, weeks from my birthday, there was no news of Rangga, whether he really did not want me anymore, but why. Why am I still thinking about it.
Forgetting that is what I should do from now on.
It's late afternoon, I'm starting to tidy up my files.
"Sir, there is Mr. Andre wants to meet" said Sintia who appeared from behind the door.
"What's down here?" Ask again.
"Wait downstairs, and my brother wants to go home" I said.
I packed my things and tidied up my desk.
"Don't forget Sintia's message yes" the girl smiled to see me out of the room.
"What message?", I asked confused.
"Sir Andre, ntar told me to push back a little, because his handsome delay", Sintia chuckled to say it.
Fans weighing Word apparently this kid. I also just grin.
I pushed the door slowly, and Firman was sitting waiting for me.
"Would you like to go home?" Ask to see me carrying my bag. I'm also snuggling.
"Iyes, when's it coming?"
He did go back and forth to Singapore because Ajeng mba was treated there.
"Yesterday night" he answered.
"Mba Ajeng how are you?"
"Yes, there's not much change"
Mas Firman looked at me fixedly, ah I don't like that look. The look that used to fly me to the sky.
"Ajha's usual look at it" I murmured.
But Firman laughed at my upset face.
"Happy Birthday Emm" Mas Firman did not continue his sentence.
"I'm sorry it's too late, but yesterday it's been through WA, but not reciprocated. Though I was writing with my heart" his face was made to pretend to be upset.
"If it's bales". My sangah
"So just thanks"
I laughed at the expression of not accepting the Word.
"It's been the night of the day that has just been answered, and just thanks" he protested.
"I'm sorry" I said with the rest of my laughter.
"Thank You to do it for When" I continued
"Continue?"
"What goes on?" much
"The answer?"
I fell silent, besides Prayer there was hope wrapped in questions on the string of words sent to me the other day.
I breathe deep.
"If you forget, if the reading at a glance continues the words are too beautiful, sometimes the brain If you do not understand the point" my reason.
I don't have an answer for him yet.
"Bil, you want us to start our relationship all over again"
Mas Firman said it with a serious face, his eyes looking at me sharply.
"Mas Firman seriously want to start our relationship again" I asked later.
"More than serious, I want to fix everything, I want to live happily with the woman I love".Mas Firman looked at me shady.
"Mas love me?"
"More than anything else, the world knows that too".
"Will you marry me soon?soon enough?".
Mas Firman was silent. I just challenged him. I have to wait for the birth of my baby.
"Well, why don't we get married soon".
"So the First?" I asked, I stared fixed those beautiful eyes
"If you don't want to be second" I said.
"You have always been the first and only in my heart Bil"
"Not only in the heart, no one can see it, If you want to be first and only before everyone, not only stored and raised later when the first has disappeared"
I don't want to be in a pseudo-relation, a choice must also be faced with the Word. And honestly I'm more prepared to accept the harsh reality than the sweet.
Strange, but that's how I feel. At least I will be more able to strengthen my steps, either with the Word or not with it.
"There's no way I'm divorcing Ajeng under these circumstances" he said.
"If you do not ask the Firman to divorce mba Ajeng, but if you also do not want to be the second"
"Bil, isn't it important that we can be together again, being the first wife is just a matter of time, you're still the only one I want"
"Keus mas gave the title of Pelakor to Bila, because it entered in the life of the mas while still married to mba Ajeng, Did not end think I mas"
I was silent for a moment.
"Fierce or let go, if the mas want to take me in the life of mas, Let go of mba Ajeng, if the mas can not release Mba Ajeng, release Bila, let If alone, do not be a shadow of the past When"
My eyes were still staring at him, waiting for words to come out of the mouth of the Word.
"Bil, we're just waiting a little while, I'll introduce you as my wife to all the people and forever".
"Waiting for Mba Ajeng to heal or waiting for mba Ajeng to leave, mas is called Egoist. Not thinking about the feelings of mba Ajeng and Bila"
"Ajeng wants to be pitted, he lets me remarry at any time".
"But not with Bila, that's the condition"
Firman looked at me, surely he wondered where I knew from.
"Bil, I love you" the voice of the Word sounded raucous.
"Mas, Rangga also loves me, but at that time he did not choose me. How is it different from the Word now?"
"Bil, I don't love Ajeng, you know that, it's just you in my heart"
"Rangga also does not love Karina, mas also do not love mba Ajeng, but why none of you make me the first choice".
Mas Firman can't answer me, I'm sorry, I can't reject you any other way. I can't even think if it turns out you'd prefer me.
"Let go If, let When looking for happiness If alone, do not become a shadow of the past If, if mas is not able to make happy If fully, if mas is not able to give the whole body and soul, don't force it, it'll hurt if it goes deeper".
"We end it all, just get here. Believe me, when you can take care of yourself. If you please don't come again, don't call when again"
I don't know how I rejected her a few times, but she always came back.
It's heavy, but it all has to be let go. The shadow of the past cannot come back. I want to live for the future not the past.
And what if Mas Firman was my future, I wanted to have him completely without hurting anyone and that's impossible now.
Mas Firman is still bowed, all his desires for me are not reciprocated as he hoped. I can't bear to see him, he's my first love, and he loves me so much. And I can't deny that it's still there for him.
But not that life is a choice, as I did I chose to end this directionless relationship.
Mas Firman grabbed my ladder, grabbed it tightly.
"Bil, I love you then, now and tomorrow, this feeling will always be there and remain the same, even though this body cannot accompany you, cannot hold you but this love will always lead to prayer for you"
Ah my eyes are dewy, our relationship is so complicated.
"If you will always pray for the best for the Word" I said there was dew in my eyes and a smile on my lips. Its presence simultaneously slices this flavor.
Mas Firman got up from his seat, walked and stopped beside me, rubbing my head slowly.
"Mas will go from your days, but let mas always hope that a soul mate will meet us someday, as two people who love each other without any more obstacles, he said, may we be together again forever".
Mas Firman stepped into the door, pulled it and the steps were getting faintly away and then disappeared.
For this I am more prepared, I. still have a heart, I do not want to hurt the heart mba Ajeng who is struggling.
I did not hurt a bit in the Word, because this is what he had to do. I salute you, I don't feel defeated because it's not a match.
I pull the bag I put on the table, it's time to pray magrib I choose back in my room.
It feels like there is a heavy burden that comes off even if not completely, although there is a little unreality present, when you have to choose to end. I'm used to it in my day, and tomorrow no one will greet me more than 3x a day.
I'm gonna miss him, oh I don't think I can understand, why I never want to go.
I pray that happiness will soon come to you and me.
---
I just checked my phone when I got home, after cleaning myself.
There is nothing different there is no message from the hero as usual.
Why am I thinking about it.
I'm still looking at my phone, when Vivian's call came in.
"Bebz, what are you buying?"
Vivian yelled at me, like she was in the crowd.
"Saiyy" I said
"What?" Exclaims.
"Chat ajha" I turned off the post.
And write a message immediately.
Vivian and Lody are in Bali, attending their cousin's wedding.
My stomach was hungry, I immediately jumped out of bed and went down to the dining table.
Nini cook Rendang hmm, my appetite has started to improve.
"Mba made sweet tea?" ask Nini I'm snuggling.
"Nin, don't be sweet" I shouted
A moment later Nini had already come up with a glass of warm tea.
"His handsome branch didn't come for a few days?" Ask Nini to me, I just shrugged my shoulders.
Wonderful attention Nini to Wira. The last hero called me yesterday the day after.
"Nin, what do you love the rendang?" Nini looked at me confused, "you give me sleeping pills yes, mbak so sleepy" I said as I finished my tea.
"That's mba disease when, after eating sleepy" he replied.
I chuckled, "Mom go up first huh" said my saying.
I haven't prayed, forcing me to open my eyes for a while. After praying my sleepiness is not restrained.
-----
I opened my phone that morning before I put it in my bag.
There was no message from Wira, ah why did I think about it, I saw when he was online last day after tomorrow, tumben, somehow there was anxiety present.
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