That's so dirty of me

Fall in Love

Zahra pov's

I threw my tired body on the UKS mat. Yes, after yesterday's incident I prefer to be alone. I chose to bring myself to be alone in my sweet garden behind this school. The place was very quiet and shady, how not, the trees in that place were very shady and beautiful just deserved to make the people who stopped there feel comfortable.

There wasn't much activity there, just sitting and pondering. Remembering the incident this morning that made me have to hold tightness in my heart. Well, because of this morning they've managed to get me hurt. I am tired of thinking, tired of waiting and tired of hoping. I know, if abi and umi actually knew what I had done at school the other day. I know not only abi and umi who know but Razi and sister Annisa also actually know. I also know that all this time they pretended not to care about this problem. I know it.

As long as I was in the garden, I just kept quiet and cried. Until Fia came to give me some spirit. Well, I'm sure I'm not alone. There is a God who is always there for me, although I am not really sure that God exists, but his presence makes me sure if he sends an angel to me to complain. Right, he is Fia.

I closed my eyes as I waited for Fia to arrive, she promised to meet me in the UKS. Accidentally accompanied.

Ttrrd

The door sounds open.

"It must be Fia." My muttering.

"Fi, if you open the door kalem dikit dong, kasian right the door if it is open forcibly rich. If he could talk he would have protested to you"

"I'm sorry I don't think anyone's in there so I go in and just open it." Fia cut my words.

Fia?,

Wasn't!.

This was not Fia's voice, even this voice was very unfit for any woman.

Is this a boy's voice?,

Well, it's a boy's voice, wait a minute! doesn't this sound a little familiar to me?

Wh who?

Razi, is it?

Oh, certainly not.

Razi's sister has a heavy and pleasant voice to hear, and why did Razu come to my school anyway?. Don't dream, I don't have anything in Razi's eyes so of course it's impossible.

Or is this abi's voice, huh?

But what, yes?

Abi's voice was heavy, its weight was like an elderly person. So, I'm sure this isn't abi.

If not them, then who was it?

Why don't I check?

It shifted a little from where I was lying to see who had opened the door, but all I got was an empty sight.

Shit!

"Nobody here, is that just my feeling, huh?. But wasn't that clear about apologizing to me?, ah, that's it. Why think about something unimportant, si-"

"Who are you talking to, Ra?" Suddenly Fia's voice was heard intruding on me, I looked at Fia's confused face which was now staring at me with a strange look.

"Well, did you see people coming out of the UKS?" Manya make sure.

Though just a moment ago I said this is something that is not important, but the end I asked as well.

"Huh, people?" Fia asked increasingly confused.

"Yes, Fi."

"Son, I've never seen anyone come out of the UKS. Why the hell, is there a problem?." He asked worried.

"Nothing is." I said relax.

"Heh, you're being asked, uh it's coming back." Fia Protests.

"meaning?" I'm confused.

"Ih, you're not very competent"

"What's the connection competently with my memory, Fi?" I'm cutting Fia's argument.

"Oh, anyway, I'm asking who you were talking to, heh?"

Jiah, right?

If Fia is the type of friend who is fun but if the issue of argument or debate he must immediately give up. Maybe he knows he's going to lose a lot of times, huh?

"Zahra, why are you?, invited to talk instead of responding eh, even daydreaming. What do you want, Ra?" Fia showed her deathly gaze.

"Hehehe..iya-ya, what did you say?" I asked while giving a crisp laugh.

"I told you that if we were both, your lo-gue was gone. Later if the 3 sequence there is new you can use lo-gue, understand?" Fia made a sullen face, looking at me annoyed.

"Yes-yes, sorry. But your Fi is again pms, huh?"

"Well, why?" Answer Fia jutek.

"Jiah, pantesan aja innan you angry mulu. Uh, it turns out lo again pms-"

"I told you to"

"I don't talk to anyone Fi, I have many more thoughts so often dreamt of continuing the fall of talking to myself." My words cut through Fia's nagging.

Actually, my half-lie half-true words. But, for the sake of my soul's safety in this place, it's okay to lie a little bit.

"I'm sorry, I'm Ra, I thought you were"

"God! no, not papa."

"here.." Invite me while patting the mattress slowly that I am sitting on.

"Bobok is with me."

"Come on, sleepy." Said Fia while sleeping lying next to me.

I lie down next to Fia, after a few minutes that passed finally sounding a soft snore from Fia. Right, he's asleep. It is even very easy to fall asleep if lying in a quiet and shady place. Unlike me, I find it very difficult to fall asleep except with someone I know or with a place that is friendly to me.

I remember again with the incident this morning that made me realize if all this time actually no one was expecting my presence.

The flash back

I walked up to the stairs and picked up a loaf of bread at the table. Today I purposely woke up this early just to ascertain if I would get a reprimand from both my parents and him. Seeing emotions will make me feel better than continuing to compare with Annisa's sister.

As I was about to pass through the living room, I heard the voice of Umi calling my name.

"Abi, Zahra is still not ready if we move her to the boarding school where Razi and Annisa are at school."

Deg

"Pesantren cottage?" I murmured in disbelief.

Why do I have to be in the boarding house, why do they have so much heart to send me there?

Do they really hate me?

What are my sins, God?

Why do you want to hurt me so much?

God's sick!, this hurts a lot!.

"Umi, abi tau Zahra is not ready. Abi knows it's umi, but for Zahra's good we have to do this."

"Zahra has been very outraged to all of us umi, he is very unruly. Why is she not the same as her two brothers?, abi was very confused to face her, umi. So, umi take it easy. Sooner or later the zahra will be sent to the boarding school of abi's friends. There, he will be properly and strictly educated. So, in shaa Allah, Zahra will change." Saying abi is calming.

After abi's sentence, I prefer to close my ears. I don't want to hear the next sentence. It's too much heartache to stand still in this damned place. I walked away in a hurry, not wanting to look back for something that hurt me.

Ignoring my original goal this morning because of the cruelest thing I didn't want to hear, they were already planning.

They want to throw me away.

Flash back off

"Am I a burden to you?,"

"Am I a troublemaker to you?,"

"Do you hate me so much?,"

"Am I that bad you're ashamed that I'm here?,"

"Am I.hiks...hiks..."

"Are you not expecting me?,"

"If it is, then why not say it directly?. Why?, what's the trouble you guys say 'we hate you zahra, get out of our lives' What's the trouble?,"

"If you don't want my presence, then don't send me to that place! don't take me to that place!. Please no more, please don't hurt me anymore!. Enough of this, not to throw me into that place!don't throw me in that place."

"I beg you..."

"I beg you.."

"Listen to me once abi.."

"Mom..."

"It was horrible, it made everyone stay away from me. That place made you all change, it brought and poisoned my handsome prince."

"I hate!. "

"I hate that place!, "

"I hate it"

Then suddenly a bright light hit my retina, making me blink a glare.

"You're having a nightmare, Ra?, your clothes got wet because of your sweat." After my vision was clear, I found Fia's worried face looking at me.

"I-I dreamt that I.hiks" My cry came off instantly, seeing that, Fia immediately carried my trembling body into her arms.

"Sstttt.Yeah, I know you're tired. You're also pale, Ra," Touching my forehead, "You're feverish, Ra." He let go of his embrace, looked me in the eye.

"Tonight you took a dip in my house, huh, Ra?. I know you're not ready to go home." Said Fia understanding the meaning of my anxiety.

"Yes, lt. Pack your bags, we go home. The rest of our friends have gone home, we are here." Obviously Fia after we left the UKS and found the condition of the empty school environment. There were only a few people passing by, they seemed to be from the members of the osis who used to carry out weekly meetings.

Once at Fia's house, I went straight to the bathroom to rinse my body. After rinsing my body with water in Fia's bathroom, I also changed my school clothes with Fia's play clothes.

When I finished, I immediately laid my body on the bed of Hello Kitty Fia while trying to close my eyes.

"I called your parents, I said tonight you're in my house." Fia started the conversation when she saw me lying on her bed.

"Then, what was their response, worried?." I asked enthusiastically even though I knew the results would not be the same as my expectations.

"Sigh, sorry yes, Ra. The answer to the phone is not abi or umi, but bik Imah." Fia replied with a timid expression, maybe she was afraid to offend me.

"Umi and Abi again went to the boarding school for Razi's graduation and picked Annisa's sister home." Fia explained once again.

"Oh." That's my only response for now. Ah, I just remembered now that she had already graduated. He is also an adult, looking different from 10 years ago. I had heard about his graduation, even I also had time to prepare a gift for him. Before that I thought that they would take me to see a day so historic to him, but the fact that I was forgotten.

Honestly, I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. Lying if I say this is not stifling because the evidence of pain and tightness is now gnawing at my chest.

I think he's changed a little bit, but in fact he's changed a lot. I thought also he wanted to take me to see his happy day, but in fact his dislike of me was huge.

I thought that at least because I was part of the family, they would take me with them to enjoy this happy day, but the fact is that they left me, again.

Maybe I was left because I was no longer a part of them.

And maybe I was left behind because I deserve to be forgotten.

God, I hope you don't get tired of listening to my complaints because it feels really sick. I'm not lying to God, that this heart feels sore, very sore.

It hurts so much, trust me.

"Zahra, don't think too much about them. We better think about.about, yeah, about guys!. Let's talk about guys." Fia broke my daydream, it was very noticeable that her facial expression was panicked. He switched topics quickly, well, Fia really understands me, maybe.

"By guys?" I decided to follow his new topic.

"Yes, man." Fia replied with an expression that looked slightly more normal. He felt relieved.

Thinking, "But me, I don't have a guy." Right, I only have my handsome prince.

"Ah, yes, anyway?. Then, Mr. Alif who is it, who, Ra?"

The alif?

Alif who?, I don't know him.

"Don't bother Fi, Mr. Alif who the hell, I don't know!." I answered honestly because the fact is I do not know who Mr. Alif.

"Seriously do not know?, whereas since the incident in Bk, you often really did sneak into the teacher's room while stealing a glance." Fia mocked me, making me feel confused by what she wanted to say.

"Fi, dong said, I don't know where you're talking. " I complained, making Fia roll her eyes lazy.

"That's it, Ra. Schoolchildren already know that you like Mr. Alif again."

"Seriously, Fi, I don't know what you mean. What else to bring school children again. " Well, what's wrong with the schoolgirls?

"Seriously Ra, don't you know what Alif's name is?" Fia asked in wonder.

"Yes, I'm serious Fi."

"Shit!, you are well, if you like people not only to be looked at, but the info is also sought!"

"meaning?" I'm getting less and less understood.

"I mean it," Fia seemed to think.

"Wait, who do you like?"

"Me?"

I don't know, I'm not sure. But any remembering of my prince's handsome face is a pleasant feeling.

"The answer times, Ra, instead of smiling is not so obvious."

"As far as I am, sewot me."

"Yes, hand over you. So, who do you like."

"I-i"

I don't know, because what I felt when I saw my prince was a pleasant feeling, so I didn't know how to say it. Ah, yes, this is my secret, right?

I'd rather just lie, anyway, wasn't I looking for someone who was able to get rid of my handsome princely position?

"Yes, who do you like, Ra?." Fia is impatient.

"Patience, Fi" Trying to think of the new teacher I'm going after.

"I'm impatient what I'm-"

"I like our new teacher, well, since the first time I met her I've liked her. "

Well, this is entirely a lie. Sorry, Fi, I lied to you.

"I felt something strange when I saw it, that feeling.."

"What always makes you happy?" Fia cut my words.

"Yes." Yeah."

"And you'll feel restless or upset when you can't see it in other words, you miss it?"

But I don't feel it for that guy.

"Yes, Fi, how do you know?"

"It's a simple thing, Ra."

"Easy, you mean?"

"You're in love, Ra." said Fia, smiling.

"I fell canta..?"

How's it feel?

Fia simply replied with a nod.

"It's like this to be in love."

Haha.. How's it feel?

I don't know because all this time I was just centered on my prince's life so I forgot about lovers..

So far, I don't care because all I want is for my handsome prince to come back looking for me.

"Hahaha.welcome, Ra. You finally feel what I've been feeling." Fia looks happy, then let it be.

"But wait a minute. Do you know the name of the new teacher?" Search fia.

I just shook my head, because I honestly didn't know.

"Ih, you idiot! you like it but don't want to know the identity of the person you like."

"Hm"

"Do you know his name?" Asked Fia who once again irritated me. Though from the beginning it was clear I said if I did not know at all with the info or the identity of the new teacher. Just make me emotional.

"I don't.."

"His name is Muhammad Alifansyah Alamsyah. Now if it's not wrong he just turned 20. He used to be called Mr. Alif. He was born into a very Islamic and-" family"

"Where do you know about all this, do you..." I hung my words. Looking at Fia's facial expression that looked tense.

Does he like Mr. Alif?

If yes, what about me?. I promised myself I would like it sooner or later. I hope Fia doesn't put her heart into it.

"I know from the next class he went to teach."

"Oh." I hope he is honest.

"Yes, lt. Better we sleep well, because I sleep so much than last day never sleep." Invite Fia while turning off the sleeping lights.

"Why did Fia become this weird, like something was hidden. But, what's it?." Something's not right with Fia.

"Oh, come on."

The feeling last afternoon in the UKS room was a very good sleep. He never sleeps or when I saw him sleeping last afternoon was part of my dream too?, but the hell time?. Why does it feel so real?

"Good sleep, Fi?" Sincerely said. However, there was no response from Fia.

"Maybe he's asleep." My muttering.

Zahra, tomorrow is the beginning of the real day. Yeah, I had to make Alif fall in love with me, no matter what.

                          ****