That's so dirty of me

Recognition

Zahra P's. O. V

After completing the prayer, Dira and Marwah went straight to the food stand. There we found many students waiting in line. Now I'm used to this situation, although it is boring but if you are with Dira and Marwah it will be fun.

"Mbak Nabila is strong as well?" I heard a woman's voice behind me. They were talking about mbak Nabila, the chief disciplinary officer at the girls' dormitory.

At first I was indifferent, but somehow I still heard their conversation.

"Strong, you mean?"

"Yes, mbak Nabila was always kekeh fighting for ustad Razi. And ostad rejected it. "

Deg

Razi, Ustad Razi?

Is it possible that he is Razi's brother?

But isn't Razi not here?

Or maybe Razi was here all along?

That book?

Fragrant it?

Is this possible?

Me, me,

...happy.

I'm happy God.

I'm very, very happy.

I-i

"Zahra, why are you dumb. Yuk, your food has been brought by Marwah to me"

"Dira!" Cut me while hugging his body. I'm very happy. It's right here. Around me.

How do I say it, it's so-so incredible. Even somehow I was so happy, happier than knowing that Alif was here too.

"Zahra why are you?. You're o-"

"He's right here. " I whispered.

"Him?"

"Who?" Her question sounded worried.

"My prince."

There was no response, all I got was a gentle swipe on my back. Tranquilize.

"How did you know?" His question sounded softly as he took off our arms and led me to walk after him at a table that had been occupied by Marwah complete with three servings of food and drinking water.

I sat down with a smile that I still couldn't stay.

"So?" Tanya Dira demanded an explanation.

"Later in the room, much better." Remember me to Dira because we are currently eating.

"Good." Breaking Dira.

"Mbak Zahra kok from earlier Marwah saw the smiles continue, the more beautiful deh." Ceplos Marwah plain.

I responded just by throwing my smile at him while focusing on spending my food with passion.

After finishing my meal, Dira and Marwah immediately brought our food marks to be cleaned. After everything is done. We walked straight to our dormitory. To rest and sleep preparation.

On my way home, I felt noticed again. But this time I can not find it easily because around me is full of santriwati and santri who will go home to each of our dormitories.

I don't know, I don't care. If he was Alif I wouldn't have dizzy. I've decided not to forget. But if he is Razi's brother, then great. At least he should find out his mistake. Maybe in this way he can remember all of them, which may be impossible to remember.

"En, Marwah. " Call me open the conversation.

Before I was really sure that he was Razi's brother I was looking for, I had to extract some information about him from Marwah.

"Yes, mom. "

"Ka-kye.. I mean Ustad Razi, who is Razi?" Ask me nervous.

"Ustad Razi, ustad Razi ya ustad in this boarding school. "

I'm not satisfied.

"You know her? "

"O Allah, who knows not the handsome old man. Ustad Razi is very famous among santriwati mbak, already young smart again. Moreover, his face is handsome and firm, ma shea Allah mbak. "

I smiled amusedly, my brother was indeed handsome and also his firm character greatly decreased Abi's nature. But I never knew if my sister would become an idol here, especially women. Ah, I'm a little jealous.

"Sir Razi was from a young age had studied here mbak, there was even news that said if the Razi madam was from the city. Just like Zahra. And the news got stronger after Ustad Razi had come home one year ago to meet his relatives. "

Now it's definitely not, if all this time Razi's brother was here. Although from the explanation of Marwah that I get if he really serves himself to be a teacher here, and not for me. But I am still happy. At least I'm in the same place as her. It'sit's okay. Just so I can be with her.

"But ustad Razi returned to the boarding school some time ago and decided to teach here. This contact is very happy news for us, because indirectly we have the opportunity to compete with the Razi. " Marwah's confession while smiling shyly.

Oh, I'm jealous. Why doesn't Razi stay home. If you know this, I'd rather see her sitting sweet at home than being the wrestler of women.

"But Marwah knows himself, Ustad Razi may not be interested in us who are here. Yes, although the soul mate in the hands of God, but as we saw ustad Razi had a sister. "

Deg

"The name is Annisa, very beautiful. Pantesan mbak Annisa in a lot of love with ustad Razi, even so fitting they both some of us think if the ustad Razi actually has a relationship more than that. Hehe.lucu yes mbak, yes. But try never to notice the faces of both of them, there is no resemblance mbak. They are not similar at all, which there mbak Annisa more similar to mbak Zahra. "

Pain .

Others can even see if they are very close. I'm jealous. Jealous of knowing that Razi's sister protected Annisa more than I did. I don't know what to say, maybe I should give up. Forgetting all of it. About the promise of the past.

Hey, you're that stupid Zahra.

Promise of a child who knows the world? Haha.. Isn't that funny?

It must have been easily forgotten. It's even easy to forget. He has disappeared. He forgot about her. Can't you see the reality that clearly explains everything.

To him, you are the unfiltered past.

But not with me, I can't forget all that easily. That memory just kept swirling around in my mind. I want to stop and forget about it. But it's hard, even if I want to. Why can Razi but I can't?

I'mtired.

That promise continues to support me. Binding myself. I want to run but I can't. I want to be lost but I can't, I'm tired.

What exactly do I want from him?

What do I want from Razi?

Whahuh?

I'm rattled. It's very confusing. I don't know who to ask?

This is not fair.

"Ustad Razi was never attracted to anyone if you forgot Marwah." Said Dira who had suddenly been beside me.

"For him Annisa is his sister and a woman who needs protection. So don't even try to think if Ustad Razi is a crazy person who likes his sister, we all know. Sister Annisa is a physically weak person, which is why Ustad Razi always protects her."

After explaining all her views towards Marwah, Dira turned to look at me. He smiles. Like delivering a message 'don't worry '.

"Come, we're at the dorm. And Zahra, remember your promise a while ago, I hope you don't forget it." Said Dira reminding me of my promise some time while pulling my hand to go in and sit in her bed.

"I can't possibly forget the promise I made, I'm not the one who easily forgets the promise. Moreover, the promise was made by him himself." I reply sarcastically.

Dira responded to me by shaking slowly, as if telling me to remove the thought of such a thing from my mind.

"You are not God, so do not try to judge others. Don't be pessimistic, remember. Maybe he's fighting for something you don't know." Dira's advice to me.

I want to argue but I'm pondering. Because it's useless, I'll definitely lose.

"The story." Demand Dira to me.

"News right?. I mean kam-"

"He is not a man who likes to break promises. Lha, the evidence is now pretentious to be ignorant. " Sindir Dira to me.

Actually I don't mean to forget my promise, it's just a promise I made a few hours. Of course I still remember.

A promise that I have 10 years to remember until now, what else is now.

But hearing the story from Marwah just now somehow made me hurt. Am I jealous?

Oh, comeon.

I often feel jealous.

But this time no, it's more of a disappointment. I'm disappointed.

Ah, I can't explain it. It's too confusing.

I felt pain in my heart, it was even more horrible when I found out that Alif had chosen Annisa.

Is this natural?

"Zahra, are you daydreaming? "

Tanya Dira broke my daydream.

"Ah, I don't. " Should I deny it to Dira.

"Alright, it's up to you Zahra. But you have to remember. That no matter what problems you're facing and facing, there's me if you forget. I am your sister, I am not only in the world but also in the hereafter. " Seriously said.

I was full, I could feel that he was truly sincere. Why can't I realize his sincerity?

"sorry. " Say me as I scatter his embrace.

"Hem. " Dira's response was short, but I could feel a warm sweep on my back. Gentler.

"Today I'm so happy, Dir. That was originally, before I listened to Marwah's story. " I started a conversation.

Dira was silent as usual. He has no voice.

"I overheard some girls talking while waiting for food. They say if mbak Nabila never discouraged fighting for love for ustad Razi. I'm so happy to know that my handsome prince has been by my side." Reveal me sincere.

"Razi Ustad. " I smiled remembering her figure.

"I miss her. " Then, my chest suddenly felt tight.

Author P's. O. V

"Razi Ustad. " Say Zahra smiled, remembering how amazing Razi was in his life.

"I miss her. " Isaac Zahra could not stand it. Dira rubbed Zahra's soft back. Without Zahra knowing, Dira smiled sincerely. Happy to know if his struggle during this time is not in vain.

Ah, surely he would be happy to hear all this. I haven't seen her smile in a long time. Inner Dira was impatient.

"Hiks.. I don't know, but when I found out that he was all around me - I mean when I found out he was in the same place as me.." Zahra fell silent, thinking of something.

"I miss her more and more. " Reveal Zahra.

"I don't care if she's been held captive by another woman, because my heart says she'll keep coming back to me. However, I hesitated when Marwah said that Annisa's sister was a special person for Razi. I'm ill. No, maybe I'm even jealous. "

"No, it's more than jealousy. I'm confused, it's too complicated. " complained Zahra who still did not understand his feelings.

"You're jealous," Breaking up.

Zahra. Digesting Dira's speech.

"And disappointed. " Continue Dira.

"Jealous?. Maybe you misunderstood. This is not-"

"You yes. " Cut Dira.

"You feel jealous when you find out that he cares deeply for the people around him. One more side, you're disappointed. If all this time the person you trust the most has made something in you feel pain and hurt. Whether it's a promise or something, but you're definitely disappointed. " Clearly Dira.

Zahra. In his heart he admitted that what Dira said was true. He was jealous and disappointed at the same time.

"Maybe it's natural?" Zahra asked doubtfully.

Dira let go of her embrace and looked at Zahra softly. It was like saying something to Zahra.

"The answer is on you. Even God will remain silent if you do not move. And only time will tell, if you want to know. " Seriously said.

Zahra nodded, Dira acting strange again. Dira seems to know something but he keeps it for himself.

"Dir, who are you?" Zahra asked curiously. He could no longer bear not to ask. He was very curious about the figure of Dira who suddenly appeared in his life. And Dira easily enters the very closed life of Zahra.

"I didn't I tell you I was Dira. I'm the same as you. I'm a santriwati if you forget." Answer Dira casually.

Zahra. Disgruntled sign.

This is not the answer that I want to hear. Dira is too mysterious for her.

"No, this is not what I want to hear." Reject Zahra.

Dira was silent, displaying her stable expression. He knew and realized that someday Zahra would ask him all this. And Dira had prepared the attitude that he would show Zahra since long ago.

"Then?" Challenge Dira still with her steady expression and casual tone.

At a time like this, Dira must be good at turning things around. He will end up losing or Zahra will end up believing him. There are only two options, nothing else.

Losing means it's all over. And there's no chance of him being anywhere near Zahra. And Dira is very concerned about this.

"Why are you so weird." Honestly Zahra calm down .

Dira did not respond even he was currently staring at Zahra with a gaze that only he could know himself. Zahra was not worried, even returning Dira's gaze calmly.

"You're a new person in my life, but you're always acting and saying things that look like you've been involved in life for a long time. You seem to know a life that should only be known by people who are really close to me. " Obviously Zahra expressed curiosity all along.

"Who are you really?" Zahra asked repeating her question.

Dira was silent, thinking about what he was going to do.

Zahra was silent, waiting for Dira to answer.

"Why?" Only one word came out of Dira's lips. A question is not an answer. Of course this made Zahra display her bewildered expression in front of Zahra.

"Why, you mean?" Zahra did not understand.

"Why do you ask me this, don't you trust me?" Clearly Dira clarified his question.

Zahra shook her head strongly. Breaking Dira's accusation. He doesn't think like that at all.

"Come here." Said Dira as she spread her hands.

Zahra simply obeyed and was immediately embraced by Dira.

"I wouldn't hurt you if that's what you're worried about. Even I'm here because I want you to feel something that you should have realized a long time ago. I won't hurt you, you're a special person to me. "

Zahra did not respond. He prefers to listen.

"You'll get to know who I am slowly, not now. Because it all takes time and process. And I promise you, after that day really comes please never regret something that happened." Gentle Dira.

He let go of his embrace and looked at Zahra fixedly.

"Now let's go to sleep, tomorrow I want to take you somewhere. Cause tomorrow's holiday so we're free to do something." Disconnect Dira while helping Zahra to lie down. Zahra did not ask or protest. He just obeyed.

Dira was silent looking at the face of Zahra who had just slept peacefully. He looked at her softly.

If that day really comes, I'm not sure you'll keep your word. Because I know and he was well aware if your heart has been occupying all this time. You tau? Youre right. He was a handsome prince, not even just a physical one. But his heart too. He gave up on all of them. But he could not give up on his promise. He's trying to wake you up, make you back into his sweet little Zahra. He's trying. He closed the door of his heart to anyone. Because what? Because it's only yours. However, to any extent he assures himself that he belongs only to you. He remains aware of one thing, if all this time your heart has been entered by others. And he gave up on that. You know, I always hear her say that "I'm happy if she's happy. "

You understand what I mean, don't you? He has given up. He has given up.

"Hiks.. " Isak Dira is arrested. He closed his mouth with his own hands.

He did not want to make the other sleep disturbed what else it was Zahra.

"But he has to be strong for someone who manages to fill his heart or rather pretend to be strong during his time here. " Say Dira quivered on the sidelines of her sob. Dira looked at Zahra's face. Miris, that's what Dira had imagined in someone.

He rubbed the top of Zahra's head gently before finally lying down.

\*\*\*

After completing the clean room event, Dira immediately invited Marwah and Zahra to visit Umi's house. They'll help Umi cook at her house.

"Assynolajet..Umi, Dira's coming." Greetings Dira while directly walking towards the kitchen and find Umi with some women who are familiar among the boarding school.

"Waalaikumussalam.ayo here Dir, help Umi make a cake for the guests tomorrow. " Answer Umi while inviting Dira directly to help her. Dira smiled gently and nodded obediently. He walked closer to Umi without asking.

"According to Umi's request, Dira brought Zahra with Marwah as well. They don't mind helping Umi here. " Say Dira realized Umi that he came here not alone but three.

"Assstagapplause.. Sorry tea, Umi didn't see you two. Here help Umi also make cakes, easy to do with Umi. " Umi said kindly as always while gently pulling Zahra and Marwah's arms.

Zahra smiled clumsyly to find Umi's response, still even though Umi had treated her but the awkward feeling was still there.

"Eh, I-iya Umi. " Answer Zahra awkwardly.

Dira just smiled gently in response to him.

Dira, Zahra and Marwah took their duties seriously until several santriwati who were also in the kitchen started a conversation.

"When I noticed my own smiles, did it hurt? " Say a girl breaks the silence.

Nabila shook her head in annoyance but still maintained her sweet smile.

"Assstagapplause.. Nanda thinks so. I can't tell if Suudzon. " Timpal Nabila does not accept the girl named Nanda.

"As much as you are, Nan. If it makes you happy I am nothing in your zolimi. " Decided Nabila did not want to prolong the problem.

"That's why you tell me if there's anything. I don't feel like this. " Nanda protests took out her strands.

"I'm tea again happy, Nan. Sorry just talking now. "

"Yes, I'm sorry. "

"Is this about ustad Razi?" Guess Nanda.

Deg

Zahra's body was immediately tense to hear Razi's name being mentioned in their conversation.

"Yes, it's all because of Razi. "

Zahra silently watched.

"This time it's ustad Razi why else, hm?. Until it can make you become a smile is not clear like this. " Tanya Nanda was curious.

Zahra held her breath to hear the next conversation.

"When I passed him I greeted him and he greeted me back. "

Zahra exhaled slowly, there was relief implied from her expression.

"Ordinary Udah is mah, who does not know if besides handsome and intelligent ustad Razi is also friendly to anyone. " Reply Nanda did not want to take a headache on the grounds of Nabila.

"You're wrong, it's not over yet."

"OK, go. "

"He asked me if I was going to Umi's house or not?"

Nanda responded quickly.

"Then?" Ask her enthusiastically.

"Yes, I just answer by saying yes. "

"Not your answer, but the next one. " Pursue Nanda impatiently.

"Oh, he said if you make a cake don't be too sweet. Because her family doesn't really like sweet things." Say Nabila lightly.

"It's worth it that you're very thorough about everything, apparently because of this anyway. Oh, I'm so happy, Bil. At last. " Nanda's response was enthusiastic.

Meanwhile, Zahra is no longer focused on her work. He's restless.

"But that's not what makes me feel like I'm floating like this. "

"You mean?"

Zahra***dough cake she held with a messy feeling. There was a feeling of tightness that plumbed into his chest.

"By the time I was about to continue my journey here, he stopped my steps with a question that instantly made me soar flying high."

"Questions?"

"Yes." Yeah."

"You don't want Razi what's up to me?"

"Where do I know, Bil. If I knew where I might be, I'd be kepo this to you."

"Hehe.sorry."

"What did he say to you?"

"He told me 'Nabila, have you preached?' it's Nanda.." Seru Nabila happy.

Zahra closed her eyes in confusion. He did not know what a sermon was.

Long thought he remembered Alif's words that day. The day his love was rejected because he had killed Annisa.

Miris.

Does that mean that Razi intends to marry Mbak Nabila?. Inner Zahra is wounded.

Without realizing it he had crushed the dough that had been printed neatly.

He squeezed it hard until one sound made him wake up.

"Zahra's sister han-cur?" Marwah asked in disbelief at the dough pan that was supposed to be neatly printed but now had been destroyed.

Zahra was surprised by what she saw. He shakes in frustration.

"Sorry, I think I should go. I can't work"

"Let's rest in the living room, you need time. " Said Dira while pulling Zahra's hand following her walk towards the living room. Dira knew what Zahra was thinking. But he wanted to make Zahra into a Zahra who was not pessimistic. In other words, get Zahra used to it.

"Sit down, when I'm done I'll come see you." Said Dira and left Zahra without waiting for Zahra's reply.

Zahra.

He directed his hand to touch his chest. She was wearing clothes that covered her chest.

Be ill.

That's what Zahra feels right now.

There was a tightness that filled rogga's chest. There was pain in every beat that pulsated hollowly in his chest.

He can't hold it anymore .

Don't ask again, the answer is yes.

Zahra was crying.

Yes, Zahra was crying.

And for the umpteenth time, Zahra was wounded 'again'.

"Sir Razi lied. " Murm Zahra on the sidelines of her cry.

"No lie!" Isak Zahra is not strong.

"But the princess must remember, wherever the prince goes will definitely return to the princess. Because the princess is the world of elder sister. Because Zahra is the owner of my brother's heart. "

Zahra remembered Razi's promise to her. He hit his chest hard.

"Sister broke his promise, brother said wherever you go will come home and come back to me.. Hix.. Big brother promise because I am the world of big brother! I am the owner of my brother's heart! I promise you will come home to me! But when?" Zahra's voice was frustrated.

"I've always thought about ignoring that promise but I can't. I was hoping that it would all happen. What should I do, this is a pain. "

"I still remember it too. "

"Sister promises when he meets Zahra later, the brother who will be the first to build Zahra. Little daughter sister. "

"I'm still waiting for my brother.. Hix.. I'm still waiting for my brother. Did you forget your promise, you will take me back. Bring little Zahra brother back. But when?"

"This may be unnatural, but I don't deny all this. It's too sick, brother. " Murm Zahra was desperate.

"Zahra?" Call someone sound worried.

Zahra knew this voice. Even the voice that had easily rejected Zahra's honesty of heart.

"Aliff."

"Why are you crying?" Ask her to worry.

Zahra smiled miris. He looked at Alif blankly.

Zahra P's. O. V

In front of me now stood the figure that I had been craving for several months.

He looked at me worried or rather pity.

I'm broken now. I have no life purpose anymore. Alif has rejected me anyway. My family threw me away. My friends have died. And my prince is gone. He hates me. The only hope that keeps me going through all this hassle is him, my prince.

Even at home I was and she never spoke well. He always scolded me. Comparing me to Annisa, my older sister. But do I care? No. gabe.

I don't care if he scolds me by passing on the whole zoo I don't care. All I know is that I can still hear him say my name. Talking to me, even if it's not a good conversation.

That's not important.

All I know is that he still wants to talk to me. I happy.

Doesn't it hurt?

Of course it hurts. He compared me to Annisa's sister. Of course it makes me hurt and jealous. But as long as I can stare and hear the sound of it all doesn't matter. Pain is not important.

Because I want him to see me 'there'. Not ignoring my existence.

"Zahra you better tell me, why are you crying?"

Aliph.

Ah, my life is gone.

Everyone hates me. My prince forgot about me.

Then, what am I thinking about again?

What am I waiting for again when all is lost and destroyed?

Oh, it's better this way. Might as well.

Makes everyone hate me. Make everyone look at me trash. Nobody cares, right? Razi won't see me.

So what do I get if I keep going like this?

End all this.

I have to end this.

Tap

Tap

Tap

A sound of footsteps from the kitchen. This is an opportunity.

I don't care anymore, maybe after this I'll feel even more sick. But it's all nothing. That's nothing more than the pain I'm experiencing right now.

The sound is getting closer.

I stood up straight from my seat. Looking at Alif. Walk slowly closer to him.

A few more steps are all over.

"Zahra you're the"

Grap

I could feel his body stiffening. Breath hunting.

I hugged him tightly. Not giving him room to move. He didn't even return my embrace.

Hate me.

Hate me.

And I hope that after this all of her

"Assstagapplause.. What are you doing!!! " Shouted a man who had stood up with his surprised face.

I didn't let go of my embrace until Alif pushed me strong. I'm fallin. Sitting on the cold floor.

I have no regrets.

I don't feel guilty.

I don't feel ashamed.

My heart is dead.

My heart has frozen.

No more taste.

Come on, spread all this. Tell everyone that I am the trash.

I am the despicable.

I am the dirty one.

Spread it to my prince's ears. Make him hate me. The more I hate. This is what I want.

This is what I want.

"What are these Furqon storms. "

"This is Abi, this girl intends to do something to Gus Fansyah. "

I smiled wryly. Come on caci me. Maki me.

"Is that really a fan? "

"Yeah Abi, tap-"

"Take him to Abi's room, get Abi the head of the girls' dormitory discipline. " His words are unequivocally indisputable. Ah, this is not exciting.

I want to see God's play against me. I want to see God acknowledge my prowess in this game.

A few girls helped me get up and into a workroom. There stood a middle-aged man called Abi by Alif.

He looks flinched his head in frustration.

"Zahra, what's really going on?" Ask him to me.

I raised my face without the slightest fear. Ah, he still remembers my name. His memory is strong too.

"I hugged her." Answer me casually.

"Assynolajet.. Abi's? " Greetings mbak Nabila who has been standing on the doorstep.

"Vaalaikumussalam.. Sign in. " Recommended firmly.

"You will punish Zahra if he is proven to have committed a disgraceful act. "

Nabila just nodded obediently.

"Hugging it?" Everyone is back focused on me.

"Why? " Abi asked in a full-fledged tone.

"Because I wanted to, I haven't done it here in a long time. I'm thirsty and I'm p-"

Plakk

A hard slap managed to land on my cheek.

I smiled with satisfaction.

"Are your parents not pawing"

"My parents died 10 years ago, so don't ask about them. " My words cut off the words of the main culprit who had made my cheeks throb pain. Marginalised.

"If your habits are that bad out there then don't bring them here, you come to this place to get rid of your bad habits. Not developing it. " Anged Nabila against me.

I raised my face, looking at him coldly.

"I don't care. " Stop me while leaving them out.

I ran towards the dormitory.

Wonder.

They're not holding me back at all. Good though. This is what I want. Everyone hates me.

I entered the dorm room and immediately chose to sleep in my bed. Drown all my troubles in a warm blanket.

I'm ill.

\*\*\*

Author P's. O. V

Razi still remembered it clearly.

Zahra hugged Alif very tightly. Even while crying.

Do you really want it?. Inner Razi.

He looked at the room he was in now with a wounded look.

"I didn't know you had changed so far. Brother does not realize if all this time you no longer need a brother. "

"10-year-old brother fought to be by your side. But it turns out all her only hopes are pseudo brother. "

"Originally you are happy brother is also happy, brother will keep his promise. Building up your. Bring you back to being little Zahra brother. Little daughter sister. The same with other promises, never changes. Little sister's daughter is the owner of brother's heart. But, your heart does not belong to your sister. Brother will give up with your heart. But not by bringing you back." Razi said.

Perhaps this is the best, Zahra is happier with her choice of heart. And it wasn't me.

Seriate...