That's so dirty of me

Disillusioned

Annisa P. O. V

He is still stubborn, even to this day he is still reluctant to say his problems.2 days ahead of his wedding day, the, but his face did not describe a cheerfulness or nervous expression mixed with impatience. Is it becoming more silent and moody?

Every invited to make preparations ranging from wedding dress fittings to the purchase of household furniture, he was not acting as usual. He is more obedient or very obedient and not much behavior. It is like he who has no spirit of life or has resigned to what will happen.

Every time he was invited to speak he always answered, but he would only be limited to that conversation. I don't want to be in a longer conversation.

"Zahra's? " Call me while sitting next to him. He looked pale and uninspired.

"Yes, what's wrong? " I answered in a weak voice. I smiled bitterly, ah, although I invited him to speak and more openly for sure he would not want to. I fear that he will return to the former Zahra, full of alienation.

"This. " I gave her a cell phone, exactly it was mine.

"Lho?" Confused while taking over the phone from my hand.

"That's Dira, he misses he said. " My answer made her smile thinly, she nodded and brought my phone to her ear.

"Hallo, Assalamualaikum? "

"Vaalaikumussalam.. Zahra, how are you? Cie's getting married, first aj-"

"Dira, herein dong! I'd like to talk to Zahra, too.. In-"

"Prophe Marwah, I'd like to say the same -"

"Dir-r"

"Gosh, you guys are so noisy! Why is it so noisy just because you want to talk to me.?"

Zahra was twitching her head tired, she looked a little excited compared to yesterday-yesterday. Ah, thank goodness at least he could express himself today.

"If you want to talk, talk one-on-one. Don't fight over." His orders.

And well, as long as they talk I just watch and hear what they're talking about. In just a few minutes I could see the various expressions that Zahra was showing.

He will laugh if they reminisce with the memories of the three of them in the boarding house. Zahra will look annoyed if told about Nabila, the current chair of pesantren cabin discipline. Zahra would make a smile when talking about Razi, but at the same time her face turned mellow. It's like saying that he's not okay right now. And well, I wouldn't be a fool if I didn't know what kind of problem he was having. He had known all the secrets of Razi and of course it did not have a good impact on Zahra because it was Razi who chose to go to the boarding school. Even when he left a while ago Razi did not meet Zahra at all to say goodbye. He immediately went to the boarding house to finish something that must be taken care of. He will come in 2 days, or rather on Zahra's wedding day.

Zahra gave me back my phone after the talk was over. She smiled a little at me.

"I'm laper brother. " His father to me. I smiled and nodded enthusiastically, how not? Because if some days he won't eat if he's not forced to. Therefore I was very happy to hear her asking for a meal directly to me.

"Yes, let's go down to the kitchen. " Take me while holding her delicate hand. He shook his head not wanting to move or get out of his bed.

"Do you want a brother to take it?" I tried to guess his wish.

But again Zahra shook her head, I was confused. He said he was hungry but when offered a meal he refused.

Then, what does he really want if he just ate it?

"What's up, hem? " Tanya gave up while bringing her hand into the grasp of my two hands.

He sighed and shifted his seat even closer to me. I know all this must be very difficult for him to face. However, everything is decided and determined. Too late to stop it.

"I'm tired." His brother sounds weak. I responded by nodding my head at the sign that I understood what she meant.

"I want to stop, but I can't. Like he said I had to accept all this and start all over with the others but I couldn't. "

I felt his hands shaking and sweating coldly. Is it really that hard?

"I'm afraid of the reality that I'm about to face, I still can't accept any of this. It's like a dream for me. "

I don't want to make a sound this time, let Zahra spill her feelings on me. Let Zahra spill her load on me. Let Zahra spill her fear and anxiety on me. Well, leave it like this first.

I waited a long time for him to continue his words, but only the soft snoring sound I got on my right side. He fell asleep on my right shoulder, he looked tired.

I shook my head in wonder, because at his serious moment I intended to hear his complaints it turned out that he first fell asleep. I slowly took off Zahra's hand and tilted Zahra in her bed. After her comfortable position I covered her up to half body. I looked at her pretty face that looked a little pale.

"Rest then. " I said as I stroked the top of his head and went straight out of Zahra's room.

***

"How is Zahra doing? " Worried about Umi, I sat myself on one of the couches.

"He still doesn't talk too much, as usual. " Answer me as it is. Well, judging from my observations these few days Zahra does not talk much and seems moody. He will do what is ordered obediently and quickly. There was no complaint at all that slid from his lips. Unusually.

"What's wrong, as long as Zahra's under our watch. He won't do anything weird. " Abi's voice tries to give peace to Umi. Umi nodded in understanding while taking out a rectangular invitation that was in a beautiful and elegant design. Umi stared happily at the invitation while gently stroking the carving of the bride's name.

"Abi really did not expect that if all this would happen, this is truly the power of God. " Amused abi with their sparkling faces. I also can not hide my happiness, just waiting for a matter of days then everything will be finished. As per our expectations.

"Umi is the same, bi. Two more days both of our jewels are getting married. In spite of.. " Umi paused her speech. Giving her sissy gaze to Abi who also similarly lost her smile.

"Do I have to tell Zahra all this? " Task me timidly.

Umi looked at me worriedly and shook her head in disapproval.

"Let Razi himself tell her if Razi decides to marry on the same day as Zahra. " I smiled bitterly and nodded my head in agreement. That's right, the same day Razi gets married. Surely Zahra did not know because this problem was so sudden and was a sensitive issue for Zahra.

"No, this time please involve Zahra in Razi's case. This is an important issue for both of them. " Refuse abi while taking over the invitation letter from the hands of umi. Then Abi turned to look at me, feeling once the dominant aura that he let out. It is very obvious that this time he will not be denied.

I nodded in understanding.

"Will Annisa try to talk to Zahra, abi. "

We all fell silent again until the sound of the message coming into my phone made me have to read it which is where the message came from Dira, Razi's cousin.

Enjoy his game, hem?

I smiled a little, did not reply and chose to return to chatting with abi and umi.

"Invitation is spread, thank God. " My voice reopened the chat.

"Alhamdulillah, then what about catering? " Thank you umi.

"It's finished umi, just waiting for her H day. If the decoration problem will start tomorrow, one day before the wedding. " Umi and abi nodded in spirit.

"So everything is ready as a whole, it just takes a little drama for tomorrow. Annisa hope you guys really do it well, as expected. " Obviously I.

We went back to talking and talking about Zahra and Razi's wedding preparations. In addition, we also occasionally contact Alif and his family regarding their preparations for the wedding tomorrow. And we are very grateful how this happy day is greatly facilitated by Allah even though from the side of Alif there are some obstacles that occur but we are once again grateful because these obstacles do not have a big impact on the this marriage. Well, God will always give way as long as the path is true and the way is right.

***

Author P's. O. V

Zahra sat pensively in the front seat of her dressing table. He stared blankly at the reflection of his beautiful face that paled slightly. Still vividly remembered his conversation some time ago with Dira and Marwah. It is still very clear in his hearing about a good news as well as bad for Zahra. That night after his conversation with Razi, Zahra never saw Razi in this house again. It just disappeared. It made Zahra both sad and disappointed, of course. But the news from Dira made her feel relieved because it turns out Razi was in the boarding school. Zahra couldn't deny that yes, she was relieved to be mixed with disappointment at this time. He was relieved that Razi was in a good place and he was disappointed that Razi had just died. Ah, Zahra forgot. It was not that Razi had given his farewell - no, rather, a kiss of affection as his farewell to Zahra.

Given that Zahra had chuckled so little, she could see how unlucky she was in anything.

"Haha..why does all this look funny?. Am I not the director who arranged all this? Set it up until I get caught up in the maze of games I made myself.. " No, Zahra doesn't blame the love at all. He never thought like that, instead he knew very well if all this happened because of his own carelessness. His carelessness that ended up making him lose the only reason he made the labyrinth.

"So it's all really over? " Task Zahra to her reflection in the mirror, whispering more precisely.

Once again Zahra was made to chuckle for no apparent reason, she was desperate.

"No, it's not over yet. There is still a chance for me, right?. Well, there's still." Zahra was sure of herself. He smiled passionately at himself reflected by the mirror. It looks sad indeed, but Zahra is sure there must be a miracle. Razi could have come on the day of the wedding, gone to take Zahra away with him. Like a romance novel, Zahra believes the day exists even though all of these thoughts are just Zahra's desperate thoughts. Yes, he is convinced of the power of the all-romantic.

"As for daydreaming, hem? " Anisa's voice manages to pull Zahra away from her dreamy show. Zahra fluttered and smiled clumsyly in response. Annisa shook her head while taking her place beside Zahra. Zahra slightly shifted her seat, providing some of her seating for Annisa.

"You want a story, a story. Don't be pendam the innate must be dreamy as before, brother does not like. " Anisa's gentle advice makes Zahra feel guilty for making her only sister in the world feel uncomfortable.

"Sorry Zahra, brother. Zahra didn't mean it at all, just that this matter was better if Zahra finished it herself. Zahra didn't want to trouble anyone. Especially you, Zahra doesn't want to. " Anzahra replied regretfully which made Annisa sigh in annoyance.

Zahra smiled warmly while nodding her head in understanding.

"Because Zahra doesn't want to trouble you, Zahra's enough to hurt you all. Zahra is still very guilty until now if you want to know and it makes Zahra uncomfortable to remember her. " Obviously Zahra with her regretful expression. Ah, it feels like Annisa really understood Zahra's heart all along. How warm and sweet.

Annisa nodded in resignation, she thought it was true what Zahra's heart meant. He could see also if Zahra was not the one who wanted to be forced to do something if he did not want to, stubborn.

The two of them fell silent again and the awkwardness did not cover the atmosphere of the two of them at this time, busy with their respective thoughts.

Long silent finally Annisa again remembered the original purpose of coming here. There's something important Annisa's going to say. Well, it's time Zahra found out. And also this is a big problem again important considering one more day his show will be in the title.

"Zahras.. " Call Annisa intending to start the conversation. Zahra did not answer but the facial expression thrown at Annisa seemed to give a gesture 'anything'.

"Sister wants to talk seriously, there is an important thing that you want to get to you. " Anisa's voice is serious. Seeing her brother's reassuring expression, Zahra would not want to have to hear her brother.

Annisa fell silent again, thinking of the right words for this glad tidings to Zahra. While Annisa is confused, Zahra is busy guessing what causes Annisa to want to talk seriously with her.

Was the marriage annulled?

Did ya?

Ah, if true then Zahra would be very happy to hear that. Well, this could be about her wedding getting canceled. And well, as you know that all the above thoughts are only owned by a Zahra Affianisha.

"Sister Razi.. " Anisa's voice with her sparkling eyes.

Deg

Hearing Razi's name called suddenly Zahra's chest skipped uncontrollably. There was a huge rumble of curiosity on his chest. Of course, it's definitely about Razi, his handsome prince.

"What's wrong with Razi? " Tanya Zahra couldn't hold back her curiosity anymore. Ah, I hope this is good news, Zahra said.

"Haha.. Deck, you'd be very surprised to hear this. " Annisa's laughter can't hide her happiness.

"Hear what? " Zahra's urge is getting impatient. How not? Annisa seemed to be mocking him at this moment. And to be honest with Zahra, this is not fun.

Ah, how annoying Anni-nah is

"He's getting married. " Anisa's reply made Zahra freeze.

Zahra P's. O. V

"He's getting married. "

Deg

I was silent, and suddenly my tongue felt faint. It's very hard to make a sound.

Maybe I heard it wrong.

Yes, I must have heard wrongly for thinking too much about Razi. No way Razi got married, didn't he tell himself that he only loved me? And the only person she has in her heart is just me, well she says her own. So there's no way she's getting married that fast. Ah, my ears must be problematic.

"Zahra, did you hear me?" Calling Annisa made me re-interested from my subconscious.

I hesitated.

"Who will get married? " Task me timidly. Annisa rolled her eyes lazily, maybe she was upset if I lied about hearing her.

"I know that you didn't hear me, uh it's really annoying. " His grunts sound spoiled.

"Razi will marry my dear Zahra. " The answer sounds happy.

Ah, dammit! I hate this feeling. It hurts so much, how is this?

Oh my God, my chest why is it throbbing pain? It's so painful!

What nonsense did my brother say?. That's a lie, isn't it? God is a lie, right?

Razi can't be married? Didn't Razi himself say that I was the queen in his heart. I am the owner of his heart only me!

Butwhy? 

Is it because of my mistake?. Is this all because of all the mess I've made?

Razi, you love me, don't you? You're gonna take me away, right? But why did you choose to run?married married married?

These-this

"Zahra, are you crying deck? "

I was shocked and spontaneously both of my hands touched my cheeks. And yeah, without me knowing I was crying. I cried my way of life was ruined in a plan I made myself.

"I.. "

"You're happy, aren't you? I know-"

Be happy?

What is this bullshit? I'm not happy, I feel pain after hearing all this. It's so sick you know?

"let alone Nabila also said that -"

"ENOUGH!!!! " I am angry that I am hurt. So the girl who will be his escort later is Nabila, is that right?

"Zahra you're the"

"When? " Cut me sick, even he returned me cruelly.

"One more day, exactly"

"I understand! "

I smiled wryly, nodding in understanding even though I did not understand and did not want to understand. This is what hurt me the most in the world. Ah, this is impossible.

"I want to rest. Can you come out, I'm tired. " My lie was about to throw him out. But I'm not lying about my tiredness, I need to be alone for now. I need a backrest, but who? There's none. And you can guess for yourself what way I took all this out, right I cried. Don't take me for granted because if you were me then you would do the same, cry or end your life.

End life?

It's not silly and not bad because no matter how I've harbored feelings for him since childhood or from 10 years ago, and I don't think ending my life is bad.

Annisa looked at me confused, but because she did not want to disturb me she finally nodded her head understandingly as she walked out of my room after saying hello. After the door of my room was completely shut, I stepped my foot towards the side of the door and ended up locking it tightly.

I was sitting on the floor, Annisa's words were still circling in my head. Razi will marry Nabila even on my wedding day.

It turns out that God really punishes me.

But I love her? I can't be willing to see him happy with another, lying if people say that he will be happy to see a loved one happy with another. That's just bullshit! That's not true!. Those who say it are hypocrites and naive people!. They're braggars.

Why can I say this?

Of course because I'm in this position. I feel that the people I love will be owned by others and I do not want to see them with others especially if they are happy. I can't and I can't, it hurts so much. So hurt.

Even breathing is difficult. Because once this body breathes then by itself a stifling pulse radiates to other parts of my body.

Does anyone want to tell me how to get rid of all this pain?

If you know please tell me, please..

Seriate..