That's so dirty of me

Spacing

Zahra P's. O. V

I've never been okay since that day. I was very surprised to find him who had been blatantly the subject of conversation everywhere. How could I not realize that Alif had been in the same place as me all this time. Oh, mercy.

I came back like the old me, being the Zahra that they thought I was selfish. But my little side reminds me of one thing. I can't look weak in front of him. Yeah, I have to act like it never happened in the past. The day I was labeled a murderer. The day my first love clapped one hand and was publicly humiliated. And the day I was completely dumped by the people I call family.

Look, if you were in my position would you still be strong?

Are you guys gonna stick with all this?

The point where you need God so much. The point where God should extend his hand to hold. The point where God should show his power to give his help.

But NO!

That day I felt alone. God did nothing.

God was deaf to my suffering at that time. It seems like it doesn't care. He laughed at my pain and fear that day. He didn't help me at all.

He obviously knows better what I feel.

He clearly knows more about what I'm hiding.

He knows better what I want.

He knows better what I need.

And he knows more about what really happened that made this mess happen.

But what do I get?

God SILENT.

God is really silent. He doesn't seem to see me as a creature who also has a heart. He only saw me as a creature that was specially made for a game.

That's palpable.

I've realized. Realizing how much my life has always been toyed with by the almighty. Even on that day, the day my handsome prince was snatched away so easily. My handsome prince left me, leaving me with all my hopes.

My handsome prince only comes home once in a while, and it has no intention of seeing me. And after 10 years he really came back to my side but with something new. My position has been replaced by the presence of sister Annisa. A very protected princess. Even her attitude towards me changed 180 degrees. He was cold and not careful of me.

The only person I trust has changed. The prince who was supposed to protect me has gone missing. And it's getting me hurt.

If you were in my position, what would you do?

Survive it?

Get far?

Or trying to live?

Haha.. Never mind. No need to think about it. This is my life, not yours. So I feel it and you pay enough attention.

We're back to our original conversation, right. I have to be strong. I can't look weak in front of him. This time, I should really play my role as a Zahra. I have to act like I'm okay despite the fact that this is just my play.

The Flash Back On.

"Zahra's? " Call Alif slowly as he descends the stairs intending to approach me, until one voice stops Alif's steps.

"Gus Fansyah what's tea here?" Ask Marwah.

I was stunned and smiled wryly.

"So he's Alif." I muttered to myself.

"I was checking the situation of the mosque, whether the mosque was clean or something was still not right. Well, on the top floor, the fragrance still hasn't been replaced, huh?" The answer was clearly Marwah's question.

As usual, her heavy and resolute voice became a reminder to myself. Ah, but I forgot. That what I feel and wishful thinking is just a pseudo dream.

I looked at him deeply and as usual, he would subdue his gaze. It's impressed that staring at me is a curse or misfortune. I know he's obviously avoiding me right now.

Of course, he hates me. I even feel disgusted when I see me. I still remember when the day I felt the most broken and ended up being dumped by those I called family.

Fira said clearly if all this time Alif felt sick and disgusted if he was near me. I am well aware of that.

Ah, this I can't possibly forget either. The fact that she is my future sister-in-law is something really amazing. And I'll be her sister-in-law, miris. That is if I am still considered in the family.

"Yes gus, we were just about to go upstairs to replace the fragrance. So me and Zah-"

"Marvah. " Cut me fast.

Marwah was silent and did not continue her speech.

"Like you have to finish this job yourself, I have to go. I have business to finish. " Continue me while leaving them.

I kept walking of course quickly even though the sound of marwah echoed in this mosque calling my name. I don't give a shit.

Even after I came out of the mosque door, people were looking at me weirdly. But I don't care, I realize I'm crying right now.

Pathetic right?

Hahah .. This is normal for me.

I've said many times that I don't care, all I need right now is a backrest. Well just a backrest.

I ran without knowing the direction, stayed here almost a month does not mean I can memorize and know the places that are here. I don't recognize the place I'm at right now.

I'm not worried and I'm not afraid. What I feel right now is the pain pressing down on my chest.

Be ill.

This is very sick God.

What am I supposed to do?

The shadow of the dark past seemed to be chasing me. And it makes me weaker.

I need a backrest.

I need a warm hug.

I need a ka-

Grep

A warm hug I felt at this moment and a soothing gentle swab on my back. I was silent and did not rebel. I don't care who's hugging me right now. All I know is, right now I really need her warm embrace.

"Cry, I know that you've never been okay. " The voice is softly soothing.

Female voice.

"Dira. " Call me with begetar lips.

"Hem. " Response is short.

I immediately returned his embrace and pressed my hand against his body.

Dira's weird, it's common. I'm even grateful for the strangeness today. I feel calm.

"Want to tell me something?" Soft bargain.

I'm silent.

"Are no one really talking?. Zahra, your current state has made your feelings clear. It's not good to harbor feelings of being alone, there I am. Untie her. " Rose again.

I was pensive for some time.

"I can't, Dir. " I finally answered.

"Why?" His question sounds demanding.

"Because I don't want to hurt Dir again, it's too painful. " My son is not strong.

He tightened his embrace on me and rubbed my back gently.

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand your reasoning Zahra. "

"It hurts, Dir. All these wounds I got because I trusted them all too much. I trusted them too much, put high hopes on them and ended up abandoned. And I don't want to repeat the same mistake about it. "

"You don't trust me?" Ask in a still soothing voice.

"No, but I'm scared. " My elak doesn't want to offend her.

"You're funny, unconsciously right now you've been telling me your fears. "

I'm rattled.

"I don't-"

"You are, Zahra. "

"You don't want to tell me about your problems because you don't want to end up betrayed and disappointed. And everything you said was your secret. Why it's so hard to open up to others. I understand and thank you, you've opened up to me. "

Ah, yes.

She was right, without realizing I had told her my secret.

Let it. Maybe I should open up to him. Only him.

"So, still don't want a story, hem?"

One minute.

Two minutes.

Three minutes.

"It all started 10 years ago. " My voice is slow.

"I don't want to say much, just the point." My sweat made him chuckle.

"At that time, I had an older brother. I used to call him by the handsome prince. "

Dira doesn't respond, focus on listening to me.

"I love her so much." I smiled a little considering how wonderful my past was.

"Even I've dreamed of marrying her. " Dira sounded chuckled. I don't feel disturbed.

"He was my world back then, because both my parents were more inclined towards my older sister. I don't mind as long as my handsome prince is with me." Reveal me honestly.

"But everything changed, when both my parents sent my handsome prince and my older sister to the boarding school. I was also offered, but I did not want to be separated from my parents. Until they finally decided that I was the one with them while my handsome prince and my older sister lived in the boarding house. "

This is what I sniffed. This is what I've been hiding all along.

"A few days after their departure both my parents became very busy, I was neglected and lonely. "

"And the only person who always looked after me was bik Imah, the maid whom I had considered to be family. "

"My handsome prince occasionally comes home to take care of things, no longer as attentive as he used to be. " I'll start coming out.

Stuffy.

The tightness that had been squeezing me all along I finally took out as well. Dira rubbed my back softly. Trying to calm.

"Sometimes when he calls home, I hear him stir. He cried over my sister. He never asked me about my news. It's just about my sister, and I'm not in it. I'm sick, everything's gone. "

"Nobody knows where I am at home. Alone and lonely. My parents were too busy to see me. I understood, and from then on I chose my own path. "

"After 10 years, exactly one year, they both returned. And at that moment I really clearly saw his change, he's not my prince anymore. He's someone else. "

"The voice is getting louder and more authoritative. He's getting good-looking. The dimple that became my opium when she saw her smile slightly disappeared. "

"When he spoke to me, he seemed to speak to a criminal who was caught doing evil. It was different when he talked to my sister. He seemed to admire her beautiful and graceful figure. I'm jealous. Of course, but I try to be indifferent. "

"You know? I was so happy when he got angry at me. I'm happy, at least that way he wants to talk to me. Therefore I always make a tantrum at home so that those who ignore me can see my existence. "

"Hiks.. Pathetic isn't it.?"

"Dir, maybe get here. The rest I can't. Too painful. " Please ask him to stop my curses. Be ill.

I can't keep it anymore. Remembering it seems to make me repeat the incident first. And it hurt me so much. How could it be, that feeling of being neglected and left behind would be an invisible trauma in the recesses of my heart. And they all ignore all that. They all don't care.

And I'm tired.

Yes, I nodded understandably.

"I see, maybe you need some time to be clear. But thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a part of your life. "

I'm speechless.

Is correct. Dira has now become a part of my life. I have a place to lean.

"We're back at the dorm, Zahra. I'm sure you'll need a break. " Take her soft.

Author P's. O. V

Zahra let go of the hug and turned to look at Dira softly. The trail of her tears was still imprinted on Zahra's red cheeks.

"I want to rest, but not there. " Remove the subtle Zahra.

Dira smiled as she carried Zahra's hand in her hand.

"Why, hem?. There is Marwah. For sure right now he's very worried about not being able to find you. " His question asked Zahra for an explanation.

"I know, but it's too noisy in there. And also I'm ashamed, surely they'll all be wondering why I became this sad? " Obviously Zahra reasoned.

Dira was silent, then smiled gently.

"I understand. " Understand Dira.

"We'll keep resting, but not go back to the dorm. So, we better get to a decent place. " Kekeh Dira does not want to be denied.

Zahra did not comment.

He receded when Dira pulled his hand out of nowhere.

For a long time they walked, until they were both in front of a luxurious house. Very grand and spacious.

Dira gave the code to the guard house to immediately open the door for the two of them to enter.

"Jeez, Dira. Is this your house? " Zahra's amazement is not expected if in the middle of the wilderness like this there is a luxurious house like a hidden palace. It looks so good that this place is very classy.

"No. It belongs to someone. " Answer answered casually as he opened the door of the house.

Dira pulls Zahra's hand to follow her inside. Once again Zahra was amazed at this place. True his guess, not just his luxurious home. But the goods and home decor also gives the impression of luxury.

"Do you like it? " Tanya Dira was interrupted by Zahra's admiration for this house.

"certain. " Reported Zahra is still focused on home decorating.

How can this house have a very simple decoration and layout. To my taste. Ah, what a sweet coincidence. Inner Zahra.

"You know, the owner of this house decorates everything himself. " Reveal Dira.

"really? " Tanya Zahra was enthusiastic.

This house fits well with his taste.

"Hem, that's what he did for his 'little daughter '."

Zahra freezes.

Then shook his head slowly, dispelling his shameful thoughts.

"O-oh. " Zahra's response is shaking.

Dira smiled faintly. He's winning.

"Follow me."

Zahra immediately complied with Dira's request while following him. Following Dira up the stairs and ended up in a room.

Is beautiful.

That was Zahra's first impression of seeing the room.

"Sleep. " Instruction of Dira to Zahra.

Zahra nodded, as she could not help but cry for hours making her tired and sleepy.

Just a few minutes down his head, Zahra had closed his eyes. Sleeps.

"I miss this smell." Zahra murmured in whispering.

"Sister Razi.. " Eventually, Zahra fell asleep.

Dira smiled sumringah. He understands. Where has Zahra been all this time.

The Flash Back Off. (Author P. O. V)

"Zahra, to the yuk library. He said there's a new book, look around. Who knows if there's a good one." Take Dira who is already standing in front of Zahra.

"Hem. " Reply Zahra while standing up and following Dira's steps. Marwah does not want to miss and join follow Dira and Zahra to the library.

After arriving at the library they immediately look for new books that come and unfortunately have been placed in their respective places. That means the three of them have to separate. Searching for each book.

The library is vast, so don't be surprised they decided to go their separate ways.

"Where is yah?" Zahra asked herself.

He walked down the carefully arranged bookshelves.

"But the hell of a time this library keeps books like that." Monologue Zahra again.

"But this is a library, it's natural. "

"Ah, this is the library of boarding schools. The time does exist? " Doubt Zahra because he only found books with Arabic writing.

"Although this is a library of boarding schools, but still this is a library. Must have a diverse collection of books. " Say Zahra answered her own question.

"But I doubt. " disconnected.

"Why is it not the same as a perpus keeper? Ah, ok. " Say Zahra muttered to herself as she walked towards the library guard who happened to be stamping a new book.

"Emmm.. The us.. Assalamualaikum.." Greetings Zahra sounded nervous at the library guard who turned out to be a female.

The woman stopped her activity for a moment while raising her head, looking at Zahra.

"Waalaikumussalam.. What's up, son? " Friendly woman while showing her smile.

Zahra returned the woman's smile clumsily.

"Can I do a lot, buk? " Zahra's permission seeks approval.

Again the woman smiled gently and nodded small.

"Of course you can, son. Wanna ask what?"

"Does this library hold a collection of Disney books?" Zahra asked in a small voice.

"Disney?" Confused about this woman.

"Fairybook. " Reply Zahra replied.

"Fairybook?"

"Yes, Princess sleeping isn't open? Or here referred to as Princess of sleep . Is there no buk?" Zahra Spirit.

The woman scrunched her forehead and shook her head slowly.

"Here don't keep books like that son, me. The travel books of the prophets and apostles in shaa Allah are here a lot, son. " Obviously the woman broke Zahra's spirit.

Zahra nodded in disappointment and resigned to retreat. He thought he could find the book, but he didn't.

Hell, Zahra's not a kid anymore. It's just that the book plays a very important role in Zahra's life. He still keeps the book at home. But baby, when he was brought here he didn't have time to take him away.

The Flash Back On

"Silver has something for Zahra. " Say a teenage boy to a little girl named Zahra .

Zahra smiled enthusiastically, because after a few weeks they separated finally they both met.

"Prince home.. " Shouted Zahra happily as she ran to hug the man called 'prince' .

The man did not want to lose, he also returned the warm embrace of the little princess.

"Uh, princess kangen really same prince, hem? " Godnya.

Zahra nodded sadly her eyes began to glaze over.

"Sir Razi is evil, brother Razi lives in Zahra. " Say Zahra with tears that almost came out of her hiding.

Razi looked at Zahra inside. Looking at the beautiful face of her adorable little princess.

"Sorry, prince yah. The prince also did not want to separate the princess. But how else, this is all the prince did for the princess as well. Because the prince didn't want the princess to go from the prince's side. " Razi obviously apologized to Zahra.

Zahra smiled sweetly and nodded obediently, forgiving Razi.

"But why should the prince leave?" Ask Zahra plain.

Razi smiled.

"The prince could stay at home if he didn't want to see Zahra leave. " Tanya Zahra plain.

Razi widened his smile. Raising his right hand moved aside the mischievous strands of Zahra's hair blocking Zahra's face from her sight.

Slip on Zahra's cheek gently.

"Sister has to go Zahra, sister can't stay home with Zahra. "

Zahra.

"But the princess must remember, wherever the prince goes will definitely return to the princess. Because the princess is the world of elder sister. Because Zahra is the owner of my brother's heart. " Razi is serious.

Zahra smiled happily and hugged Razi warmly.

"Well, if you're lying. Remember, Razi belonged only to Zahra. Can't be the other." Threatening Zahra sharp.

Razi chuckles at Zahra's playful behavior and retaliates against Zahra's threat with a light kiss of Zahra.

"Oh, yes brother forgot. "

"Brain brother Zahra something." Said Razi while giving paper bag pink to Zahra.

Zahra received her enthusiastically and without much questioning.

He immediately opened the paper bag without waiting for orders from Razi.

Zahra smiled enthusiastically as soon as she knew the contents of the paper bag.

A book.

Illustrated stories.

"Sleeping princess?" Gumam Zahra read the title of the book.

"Yes, the Princess is sleeping. "

"What's the weird title?" Ask Zahra plain.

Razi smiled gently, his dimples appearing to show themselves whenever he smiled. Being a separate opium for Zahra.

"So, I don't know the exact story, Zahra. Because you never read a princess book like this, but you've heard if the story is very good. "

"really?" Ask Zahra enthusiastically.

"Right, so this book tells of a beautiful princess who was cursed by an evil witch. He cursed the princess as a child and was asleep. He said that this girl will grow up to be a beautiful princess, but at the age of 17 the princess will be pricked needles to make the princess sleep for eternity. "

Zahra silently watched.

"True, the curse happened. At the age of 17, the princess was stabbed by a needle to make her fall asleep. The witch told her that what could break the curse and wake the princess from her long slumber was true love. He will get a kiss from the prince who loves him earnestly. And right, when the royal family is desperate and decides to stop hoping suddenly comes a prince who unexpectedly it is his true love. " Razi ended his story with a happy ending.

Zahra smiled and hugged the book tightly.

"Zahra wants to be a sleeping princess too."

Razi.

"And Razi's brother was his prince. "

"Why?"

"Because later Razi will be far from Zahra and when Razi's brother comes home later and finds Zahra asleep, Zahra wants Razi to build Zahra. Razi promised well, will wake up Zahra. " Please Zahra.

Razi felt his heart warm and smiled happily.

"Sister promises when he meets Zahra later, the brother who will be the first to build Zahra. Little daughter sister. " Razi's promise was immediately greeted enthusiastically by Zahra.

The Flash Back Off

"Son.you're okay, right?" The female library guard asked worriedly, making Zahra instantly attracted from her subconscious.

Zahra nodded and shook quickly.

"But why are you crying, son? You're doing okay, right? " Task her again worried.

Zahra fingered her cheeks in a hurry. And sure enough, Zahra found traces of her tears that were still wet. Without waiting any longer, he immediately rubbed it roughly.

"I'm okay, buk. " Press Zahra.

The woman nodded understandably, not wanting to pry the privacy of her santriwati.

"This isn't the book you're looking for?" Ask the woman and give Zahra a book.

"Sleeping princess. " Gumam Zahra read the title of the book.

Zahra was stunned, because the book is very similar to the gift of Razi. Not just similar, but the same. It makes no difference.

"But not me.. "

"I found it among the shelves of the warehouse, remembered you so I picked it up. " It's obviously the woman.

Zahra was silent, still thinking.

Until the woman left, Zahra still did not budge.

Zahra suddenly realized something. "Hiks.. " Isaac Zahra finally let it out.

Sitting limp, "I know this smell. " Gumam Zahra while kissing the book that still holds the fragrance of the first owner.

"I miss. " Say Zahra said on his sobbing.

"I'm still waiting, waiting for my brother to wake me up. Brother don't forget?" the monologue Zahra.

"Because only the big brother can." Bisik Zahra's.

Meanwhile, behind the bookshelves that cover Zahra from the view of the people, stood a person who had been blinding wherever Zahra went.

He smiled softly. Resisting longings that have not been poured out for several years. Even though he used to meet face to face at home, he was not good at lobbying his heart.

"Sister can't forget the same promise. "

"Sister will always come back to you, no matter how and where it is. "

"Sister is also trying to keep another promise, trying to wake up sister's daughter. "

"Sister is looking for her, looking for a way to wake up again. " Smuch Razi said.

He was sick to see Zahra sitting limp on the floor while hugging her gift book tightly. It is still the same, still in its shadow.

"Brother belongs to you, Zahra." Razi muttered before finally leaving because he got a call from the office manager.

While Zahra was still in shock, he thought that Razi had been around all along.

"But where? " Zahra Monologue.

"Do you remember, you belong to a Zahra. Brother belongs only to Zahra."

 

\*

 

Since the events of the library, Zahra's mind has been divided into two. First, Zahra believes that all this time who followed her everywhere was Alif. Recalling his meeting at the mosque became a bright spot for Zahra. Second, Zahra hesitated if Razi followed her here. Although books and fragrances are a consideration, but still. The last time Zahra met Razi, he was very angry with her and ended up getting a slap from Razi. The slap that made Zahra even more convinced that Razi had really gone missing.

"Zahra, how do you daydream?" Tanya Dira who was beside Zahra.

Zahra was startled and quickly refuted with a shudder.

"I'm okay, don't worry. " Answer, Zahra is calm.

Dira nodded in understanding, not wanting to make Zahra's mood worse.

"Whose book is that?" Tanya Dira was curious.

Dira glanced at the book he had embraced earlier.

"Isn't the library forbidden to keep such books. " Obviously Dira.

"Ah, this is my book. " Answer Zahra was nervous.

"Really, from whom? " Dira Fishing.

"Huh?" Confused Zahra.

"That's who Zahra is from, you didn't bring anything from the dorm. And also you don't have a collection of books like this if you forget. "

Zahra nervous.

"Ah, yes.. It's from someone. " Answer Zahra hesitated.

"someone? "

"Hem."

"Who?"

"My secret." Break Zahra.

"Have you met her in person?"

"No."

"Then?"

"Then?" Zahra did not understand.

"Where do you know if it's someone from your 'Hide?" Tanya Dira demanded.

"Letter? " Tanya Dira was impatient.

"No. "

"Certainly? "

"Scented. " Say Zahra smiled wryly. Because he was still worried about his thoughts. He is sure because his book is exactly the same as the gift of Razi as a child. Moreover, the familiar fragrance that Zahra never forgot is still attached to this book. He sure, Razi around her. The proof is that the library clearly does not collect books like this. Find warehouse?

Hell, this is definitely new.

"Scented?" Tanya Dira fishing.

"Hem, that someone has a fragrance that is very familiar to me. And he's the only one who smells like this, feels comfortable and peaceful. " Answer, Zahra is calm.

"May Marwah borrow some, mbak?" Sahut Marwah looks enthusiastic to see the book in the arms of Zahra.

Zahra hugged the book even tighter.

"No Marwah. " Remember Zahra firmly.

"Why mbak?"

"Because this is the only reason I'm going to keep going"

"Forget over. " Disconnect Zahra.

"So we can"

"No and my answer will be forever no, until he really comes to wake me up. "

"Bak's awake." Celoteh Marwah does not understand.

"Until that day comes I will wait, so be patient Marwah. If you don't come, you won't be able to read it. " Say Zahra ends with a rarity.

Dira looked at Zahra's gentle face. He smiles. Sincerest.

He's trying, he's trying to get you back. It's just, it takes time for you to realize if all this time your handsome prince is always near you. Because he's only yours, Zahra. Inner Dira.

"Only time will bring you back." Said Dira slowly managed to make Zahra stunned.

"Hem. " Reply Zahra was still contemplating Dira's words. Dira was acting strange again.

Seriate..