That's so dirty of me

I miss her

God, why are these eyes so hard to shut?

Even though I had just traveled a long way, my body felt sore and a little pain in my waist and neck. Well, when viewed from a distance indeed traveling from a big city to a village is indeed very tiring.

Moreover, after that incident my brain could not think clearly.

What the girl said at first made me both shocked and happy. I don't know, but I'm happy to hear it. But I realized one thing. I realized she was a frontal girl. He never thinks long if he wants to do something.

The events that happened to Annisa were enough to make me realize that the girl was just living as she wanted and doing something as she pleased.

He was just playing, at the time, I thought. It's too complicated for me to understand, it's different. When I first met him at school, on my first day teaching there I was a little surprised. I was a little surprised, meeting a girl as beautiful as her, but her attitude and harsh words did not show her beauty at all. I was also amazed because she was not a student, so why could she act freely at this school?

Out of curiosity, I also found out the identity of the girl. Including looking for the identity of the girl I was looking for.

The Flash Back On

"Sir Alif, this is your desk. It just so happens that we're one room, so if you need anything just tell me. In shaa Allah, if I am able I will help." Said Mr. Imron, the BK teacher of this school is friendly to me.

"Thank you very much, sir. I was very helped by my offer.." I said thank you and grateful that my opportunity to find the identity and information of the girl was open.

Smile, "Together.." He answered kindly, turning his back to leave my desk, but remembering that girl quickly I stopped her steps. "Ehem, Mr. Imron, this morning I met a student who was dressed very inappropriate. This girl was wearing a school uniform but it seems that she deliberately cut her uniform as early as possible.does the school not give a reprimand for such a schoolgirl?" 

Mr Imron scrunched his forehead, like he was thinking, "Which girl, Mr Alif? it seems I've never seen such a girl in this school.." The answer sounded doubtful.

Wonderful, "Sir Imron really doesn't know?" 

He frowned, looking to think. Suddenly emerged from the room next to a woman wearing batik clothes.

"That's Zahra, sir." He said incantations while sitting next to Mr. Imron with his friendly smile.

"Zahra.oh right, the girl is like that.don't want to hear." Obviously Mr. Imron sounded annoyed.

"Zahra?" I muttered while thinking hard.

Is it possible, Zahra Razi's sister?, but, didn't Razi ever say that Zahra, his sister was a quiet girl?

That's definitely not him!

"But, why didn't the school crack down on students like that? hasn't it gone too far..?" Ask me a curious.

"She's a special student, sir." Answer Buk Dewi fast.

Special?, is he one of the children who have high performance?

"Special?"

"Are there any outstanding students?"

Buk Dewi and Mr. Imron looked at each other, some time later they both laughed. Like something funny than I said.

"Goddesshemale..Sir.that's the child of his appearance that is so degraded that we can know that the state of his brain is also as important as his ugly appearance.." Said Buk Dewi on the sidelines of his laughter.

"meaning?"

"He's the son of the 'FFIAN' family, the biggest stock grower in the school, which is what makes him special at this school, sir.."

Oh.so.

It turns out it came from out-of-the-way

Wait, the FFIAN family?

A FFIAN?

Is this not Razi and Annisa's family?

"Sorry, whose name is Zahra?" I ask very carefully.

"The long name is Zahra..

if not wrong, Zahra Affianisha." Answer Buk Dewi mantab.

The deg!

So that girl was him!

The Flash Back Off

From what I see, what Razi said is true. Zahra is a rebellious girl. He will not hesitate to fight to anyone if it is not in accordance with what he thinks. But when my last conversation in Cairo with Razi was over the phone, Razi once said that Zahra was a quiet girl.

But why is reality reversed?

Zahra is a teenage girl who is very aggressive and frontal. But, all this is precisely what makes it look mysterious. Sometimes, if I notice he is often alone in a park or even in the classroom he sometimes daydreams during lesson time. It's like he's thinking something that makes him uncomfortable, or maybe it's just my mind.

Well, only God knows.

"O Allah, it seems that your servant really cannot sleep.."

There is no drowsiness that I feel, just feel bored if lying on the bed like this.

"Is it better for me to go to the mosque to prepare tahajjut prayer.?" I muttered to myself. I turned on the room lights and saw what time it was.

"It's only 2 o'clock well, meaning that the tahajjut prayer time is just around the corner. Alright instead of continuing like this in the room, I better use this time to patrol briefly to the dormitory.

***

Is he asleep?, Lordfirullah.of course he's asleep, isn't it late at night.

Was his sleep well?, How could he sleep soundly if this was the first time he had come to a place like this.

Does he feel comfortable in the dorm?, I'm sure, he must be irritated at this time because he has to sleep one bed with another.

Hahaha.at this moment surely his expression is moderate.

Jaceyafirullah..Fansyahs!

Be aware, why did you become like this?, thinking of the no-no.

But is he okay now?

Given all the events that had left him injured and had to end up in this place it must have been very difficult for him to accept easily.

He must have thought that everyone had hurt him, without realizing that he was the one who made everyone around him hurt.

Is he selfish?

As far as I can see, he always uses his ego.

Playing and hurting the hearts of those closest to him who unwittingly if he always argues that he is the only person hurt here.

Jaceyafirullah...What have I been thinking?

Why do I comment on someone's life when I'm not God.

I am not a God who can judge a person's life.

I have no right to do this stupid thing.

I have no right in the least.

"Goddesshemale....O Allah, forgive your servant, O Allah, and I do not mean to step over You, O Allah, forgive me." My prayer regrets that I acted foolishly.

In this glorious time, I have acted foolishly thinking about things I should not have thought of.

Jaceyafirullah..

"Alhamdulillah.." My gratitude when I see the mosque of As-Shauqi already in plain sight or within a few meters.

However, as I accelerated my pace. I heard the voice of a santriwati screaming.

"Mbak.mbak Zahra open mbak.buka mbak.." Shouted a santriwati sounding crying.

I turned my steps towards the direction of the voice that turned out to be coming from the bathroom of the dormitory santriwati.

"Sir Zahra opens the mbak.." His sobs are harder.

It makes me feel more anxious.

"Gus..Gus Fansyah please Zahra Gus.." Shouted the santriwati asking for help to me as soon as I saw my arrival.

"Zahra?" I murmured to ask myself.

Jaceyafirullah..

Not that girl!

"Zahra's inside?"

"Yes, Gus. Zahra was inside, it seemed like Zahra had been sick since waking up from her sleep. But, Zahra tea won't talk if she's sick again. He just asked to take her to the bathroom..Gus.please Zahra Gus..Zahra kasian tea..." Clearly santriwati was increasingly sounding worried.

I bit my tongue strong, again the girl acted recklessly.

"Zahra, please get out of the door, for I will break this door from the outside." I yelled and instructed Zahra to stay away from the door.

There is no word, only the sound of crying from this santriwati is increasingly panicked.

Ah, O Allah.What is going on with him?

Why didn't he respond at all to what I said.?

Jagafirullah.maybe Zahra fainted inside.?

"Sorry, Zahra's condition before going into this bathroom did you notice?" Ask me timidly.

He looks to nod his head.

"Sir Zahra tea while asleep he shivered, his body felt warm. So, I took the initiative to let Zahra stop shivering. However, when I hugged him, Zahra immediately woke up and suddenly just immediately cried. As I chatted with her tea, Zahra suddenly complained of pain in her stomach. Ms. Zahra just said it was a normal stomachache and just asked to be taken to the bathroom. But while in the bathroom, Zahra's mother suddenly shouted while saying 'sick' and after that Zahra's mother did not speak again until now.." It clearly tells the chronology from the beginning of Zahra's sleep to the end in the bathroom.

There's no other way, I have to break down this powerful punchu.

"Bismillah-"

"Fansiya..." Call Abi to stop my movement.

I saw Umi beside Abi with a state of crying, there were also some santriwati who accompanied them.

"Abi..Um..?"

"Don't break down, son, because we don't know what's going on inside. Is Zahra still conscious or fainted, therefore the only way is to open the door by force and not break it.." Clearly Abi sounded resolute and authoritative as usual.

I just nodding resignedly because in this crucial situation the brain that remains cold is very much needed.

Umi nodded her head at me, like saying this was the best thing.

a few minutes later, there came some male students and some relatives of Abi who were preparing some tools for him to use to open the door.

"What will they do.." I muttered that only I could hear.

When all the preparations were ready, they all moved closer to the bathroom door.

They cut the door slowly and carefully because of what was feared if Zahra's body was near the door.

"Goddessa.."

And it turns out that right after the door came off, Zahra was found right next to the door.

"Alhamdulillah.ya Rabb.unfortunately you sent Abi to stop me. Otherwise, maybe the problem will get more complicated."

I am very grateful for Abi's arrival, but also sad to see Zahra's miserable condition.

Dropped hair covered part of his face, still wearing the high school uniform he wore yesterday.

The clothes are very open and a little made tight.

Seeing that, Umi and the santriwati immediately moved around Zahra's body and lifted her up together.

Oh God, it's obvious that he's in a lot of pain. With very pale lips and with both hands hugging his stomach.

"Take him home, let me take care of him." Umi said with a worried expression that could not be lost from her beautiful face.

I saw Umi rubbing Zahra's face gently with both hands. He swept every strand of mischievous Zahra's hair over his face.

"Goddessa.." Umi said privileged when she saw the face of Zahra.

Hearing him suddenly made my feet move quickly towards Umi and the sisters who were covering Zahra's body with cloth.

"What's Umi?" I was worried to hear Umi's scream.

"Zahra's face looks very pale.." Umi sounded very worried.

I immediately saw Zahra's face which turned out to be very concerned.

"Wait for what else Umi, bring Zahra home and change her clothes with clothes that are more appropriate and can warm her body.." Abi's instructions sounded serious and were not to be refuted.

Umi nodded obediently and immediately instructed some santriwati to help her bring Zahra's body home.

Some of the ustad who also helped Abi open the door helped Umi by opening the way among the crowd of santriwati who without me knowing was very crowded.

"Alhamdulillah.." I said sincerely grateful after seeing Umi get through the crowd easily and directly to the house.

YOKE..YOKE..

A hand that patted my shoulder slowly made me surprised and a little bearded.

"Goddesshemale..Abi!" I said privileged after knowing if the owner of the hand is Abi.

"In shaa Allah.he will be fine.." Abi said with a mysterious smile and passed away leaving me alone.

 

\*

 

Zahra POVs

"Hiks.hiks..hurt!" Said I was in pain from feeling my stomach being stabbed by a knife. Not only did my stomach hurt, but my body also felt cold as if it was on a mountain.

My head won't miss either. It was privatized by giving me a very nauseating feeling of dizziness.

My vision was like going around in circles, it was torturing me a lot.

I wanted to close my eyes but it still hurt, opening my eyes was the same. It makes me feel more sick.

"sickness.." I complained again as I felt my stomach being pierced.

"Is this..." I asked as I tried to open my eyes and pay attention to the room I was lying in.

It may not seem too obvious, but this room looks green.

The green?

Whether this is light green or dark green is not very clear, but it is definitely green.

"Heaven?"

"Is this really heaven?" Ask me to myself.

"Didn't Razi ever say that there is a greenish heaven.and is that heaven where I lie?" Ask me to remember my childhood with Razi.

Haha..

If this is true, then why would God put a man like me in this place?

Said Razi only those who are good and have faith in him can enter this place.

But, what kindness have I done so that it was sent to this place?

Heh.mung-mongk.

"Alhamdulillah..Zahra is conscious.." Thank goodness a middle-aged woman who was not too foreign to my hearing.

Ah, isn't this woman the wife of Ustad, the owner of the boarding school I dumped?

Did ya?

Did God take my life and her at the same time?

It's great!

"Zahra's taking the medicine, baby.." Persuade the woman while lifting my body to lean on the side of the mattress.

Oh, but why does my body hurt so much?

That woman faintly I saw smiling, very beautiful.

I don't know what I'm feeling or anything, but that woman looks a lot like someone I know.

But who that person is I don't know, what is certain is that the face of this middle-aged woman is not a face that is foreign to me.

"Goddesshemale..Zahra is tea at Umi's house oruh, not in heaven.." He said softly while stroking my head warm.

Real warm.

If this is a dream, please do not wake me from this dream. Because this kind of warmth I will never find to anyone and anywhere.

I just want to feel it, even for a little while.

Not why God?

"Zahra tea passed out this morning.." Say it again while feeding something my mouth.

So soft inside, and a little warm on the tongue.

"Umi tau, Zahra tea from the beginning came to this boarding school is not okay.." He said again that made me more confused to realize something.

"So this is still in the boarding house?" Me ask carefully.

"Yes, dear.this tea is still in the boarding house.at Umi's house.." The answer clarifies my question.

GUBRAKKS

What the??

So I'm not dead yet?

So I was just not thinking clearly about heaven?

Shit!

Oh, double Shit!

Why didn't I realize from the beginning that this place wasn't heaven?

Oh, stupid you Zahra!

If you are dead, why do you feel pain?

You idiot!

Very-so stupid!!!

"Zahra's fever is very high tea, it's worth Zahra directly passed out.." Ocehniah.

"But, Alhamdulillah.after the shubuh your body temperature dropped and Alhamdulillah again, you have regained consciousness and talked to Umi at this time.." It was clearly soft while touching and gently grasping my hand.

There was a strange feeling that was seeping into my heart.

A strange feeling of warmth and longing.

If only Umi could be like this to me,

And well,

That can never happen, Umi will never forgive me.

I made them all cry,

I hurt them all!

Umi will hate me!

Annisa would hate me so much.

I'm not a useful sister to him. I'm so embarrassing.

Razi?

Razi will be very disappointed in me.

He would never want to see me again.!

And Abi?

Abi will never forgive me, I have hurt her too much.

The alif?

He would be very disgusted with me. Because besides me embarrassing him in front of the crowd, I have also hurt his future wife, I have hurt Annisa.

The fia?

I'm not her best friend anymore, that hatred must have been present in Fia's heart. Well, I'm not a useless friend.

A fira?

Do not ask again, that day he had said clearly if presence was a problem for him. For all of them. Without exception.

Latifa and Andrini?

Needless to say, it was clear to both of them that I was a murderer.

Heh, this is so sad.

Well maybe it's true, maybe it's the best path God has given me.

It's just that I try to explain everything to them, in their eyes I'm still wrong.

It's free for me to act to them, not that they're aware of the wounds they've created for me. There they will continue to hurt and I will always be seen as a villain by them, it is a waste.

It's free that I keep thrashing around like a human lost my mind, if the edges I will be thrown also from a place that I should consider home.

Isn't all that in vain?

Still, this wound does not dry out and shrink but instead I will always be hurt.

I'll get hurt again.

And it must have been hurt.

All right, maybe it's time.

I had to let go of my first love clapping one hand.

I have to forget my family that I should have gotten justice there.

I had to forget all my friends who thought of me as a criminal.

I have to forget them all.

Here, it's okay for me to be alone as long as I can breathe calmly and I can start my new life. Without hurting and hurting those closest to me.

"Zahra why cry?" The middle-aged woman's voice instantly broke my daydream and pulled me back into my consciousness.

"It still hurts, baby?" Ask her again while rubbing my cheeks gently.

"Where is hemm?." Ask again while feeling my body is polite.

"Nobody hurts U-mi, Zahra's okay. Zahra was just confused and suddenly here.." The reason I lied to the middle-aged woman I called Umi.

Umi smiled at me with her beautiful face, as if expressing her relief through her innocent facial expression.

"O Zahra feels that someone is sick, Zahra just talk to Umi well, In shaa Allah Umi must help dear.." Gentle Umi stroking.

Worry, "Mom.." Call me weak because it looks like my power has drained.

"Yes dear.."

"Umi, please don't tell Zahra's family that Zahra is sick here.." Please be sincere.

Umi looks wrinkled her forehead, confused.

"Lho, why is it, baby, Zahra has a problem?" Her question sounded confused mixed in wonder.

I kept quiet for a moment, looking for what reason I would tell Umi so that she would trust me.

"No Umi, Zahra has no problem with the Zahra family. But Zahra's pain is not too severe and also the Zahra family will need a rest, because yesterday they went home from a long trip. Zahra doesn't want to see them sick." The reason I lied but half of it was my sincere will.

Well, they must be tired after going back and forth from a long trip. What else Abi just came home for a while from out of town, after that went to take me to this place. He must be tired and tired. And also, I don't want to make them feel the hassle and distress of taking care of me which is so unruly.

Let it be, it's enough to get here that I think of them. It's time I went and talked to the world and myself.

It's okay, as long as they're happy.

Even if it's just yourself, it's really okay. I'm doing fine.

"Oh, thank God, Umi thinks Zahra has a problem. Yes, Umi will not contact the Zahra family regarding the current condition of Zahra. If so Umi to the public kitchen first yes baby, want to check the preparation of lunch for your friends who mondok.." Permit Umi to withdraw from me.

"Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi.." Greetings Umi as she kissed my forehead and passed leaving me alone.

I smiled a little.

A little grateful that there are still people who care about me.

Never mind, no need to think about them anymore.

No more acting recklessly and hurting yourself Zahra, no more acting foolishly and hurting those closest to you.

Get everything and start walking forward.

Do not glance at anything else until it turns back, because really it will be very painful.

Stay away from them and let the old wounds buried with the dark past, no question. Because it is useless, they will never be able to understand and know it.

POV Author

There was a heavy sigh exhaled by Zahra on a soft mattress and felt warm.

Zahra looked uncomfortable even though she was lying down in a soft and warm place, she looked restless on the bed with her pale face.

Tok.dok..

Tap someone from the outside indicates the knocker asking permission to enter the room.

Zahra did not respond to the knock because his throat still felt sore so it made him uncomfortable when making a sound or making a sound.

The knocker went straight inside even though no response was given from the occupant.

"Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi..." Her greeting sounded polite and gentle as she opened the door and walked into the room.

"Mister Zahra.hiks..hiks.." Her cries instantly broke as soon as she saw Zahra lying weakly before her.

"Mar-wah?" Kaget Zahra once knew the guest was Marwah, the girl who always wanted to stick with Zahra.

Marwah immediately occupied her body in the room seat which was where Umi, the wife of the owner of the boarding house sat last time.

"Mbak Zahra.hiks, Marwah tea apologize. If Marwah had reported to Padis (Discipline officer, this is the same as OSIS) and brought Zahra's mother to the clinic, Zahra wouldn't have been like this." The crying becomes so.

Zahra was stunned by Marwah's words, she wondered why this girl was so innocent?

Marwah grabs Zahra's tender hand and grasps her possessively, as if she does not want to act recklessly anymore.

Zahra looked increasingly at Marwah's actions which were so strange, it felt like he wanted to shout it rudely as he used to do to others.

"Mister Zahra.." Crying cuba.

Staring bitterly, Don't get too close to me, because you will definitely get hurt. Don't get too close to me, for sure you'll leave me alone like everyone else. Inner Zahra was sad.

Zahra let go of Marwah's hand gently, as Zahra hinted that Marwah should keep her distance.

Marwah's cry stopped immediately when Zahra's hand that he held so tightly was very easily removed Zahra.

"Gue's okay and you don't have to cry this crazy in front, I. Noisy know." Zahra said with a cold expression.

"Sorry Marwah, Mr. Zahra. If Marwah's cry has disturbed Zahra's mother.." Please Marwah regretted for bothering Zahra.

Zahra rolled her eyes puffed, bored it feels like she was dealing with a girl as innocent as Marwah.

"Lo not school? it's still daytime." Zahra's question shifted the conversation and looked for another topic.

Marwah bows her head.

"Lo truant yeah?" Zahra's question sounded dislike.

Marwah only responds to Zahra with her innocent nod.

Zahra sounded a heavy sigh.

"Lo why are you truant, heh?"

Marwah was silent and did not respond.

"Girl sepolos lo it's not pantes so bad boy, lo it's more pantes silent and sit listening to the teacher instead of even kelayakan not clear like this, make it sprained!." Spray Zahra is upset to find out a girl as innocent as Marwah can do something stupid like this.

Suddenly the tears of Marwah fell, but strangely Marwah did not make a sound. Only tears respond.

"Lo truant taught who? which boy? how can you follow the behavior of a bad boy who is not clear like this?" Cecar Zahra is getting upset because he never responded to Marwah.

"Sir Zahra!" Answer Marwah firmly.

Zahra was immediately speechless at the reply from Marwah which she thought was absurd to her.

"Gue?" Zahra asked in disbelief.

"Mak Zahra is sick and it worries Marwah." Answer again.

"Huh.?" Zahra's response was spontaneous with her bloon look.

"Marwah is afraid of Mbak Zahra why-not, therefore Marwah asked permission to go home early to Ustadzah supervisor. Marwah is worried about Zahra's mother, Marwah is afraid of Zahra's mother not bang-"

"Shut!" Cut Zahra spontaneously.

"Gue tau lo worry, but seriously deh lo it's too late plain tau no. Lo that's really acute.." Zahra is sure to know.

Zahra paused for a moment and took a heavy breath.

"Gue's okay, so you don't have to worry." Zahra's words gently reassured Marwah.

"Udah, now mending lo go back to class and do not have to be a bad boy." Zahra's advice is sincere.

"Sorry, Miss Zahra. But , Marwah can not, Marwah had intended Marwah time at this time to ngerawat mbak Zahra. Marwah won't be going back to school again." The insider apologized.

Zahra was again surprised by Marwah's words again.

"Lo is why?. I told you I was okay..!" Zahra was hurt.

Please don't pity me, I really don't want to be pitied.

"Mbak Zahra is like this because of Marwah, so Marwah wants to nurse mbak Zahra to heal.." Marwah answered sincerely.

"But you're overdoing it know not!" Zahra's broken up.

Marwah was silent, did not want to respond because at this time the emotional state of Zahra is not in good condition.

"Who brought me here?" Zahra asked opened the conversation.

"Ustadzah Fatimah with some santriwati mbak.." Answer innocently.

"Oh"

"But how can I hear the voice of a man who seems familiar to me.."

"Oh, yes mbak, it's Gus Fansyah the son of the owner of this boarding school."

"Fansyah Gus?"

"Yes, Mother. When Zahra passed out, Gus Fansyah happened to be there and helped Marwah open the door. But before Gus Fansyah will open the door, suddenly Pak Ustad came with a tool used to open the door mbak.." explained Marwah at length.

Zahra was silent listening to Marwah's explanation, she realized one thing.

He's not Alif, apparently.

SERIATE...