I WASN'T...

Izin

My legs felt limp hearing what Satya said. I have no kindness. Satya has expressed her feelings many times. In fact, without him saying what he felt, I could feel it from every action he took, from the look in his eyes, from the grasp of his warm hands. Satya always liked me.

"Don't go, Deb," Satya pinta wholeheartedly.

"Yes, don't go yet" She raised her voice. "Gue can't spend three meals alone. Mending you to eat what you ordered."

"Lo ruined the atmosphere," grumbled Satya annoyed at Gilang who just grinned. He pulled my hand gently, to follow her back to sit down. "We'll talk about it later. Don't let because of this problem, your eating mood goes away."

I nodded once as a sign of agreement. After all, I can't take medicine if my stomach is still empty.

We ate the food on the table, as fast as we could. My reason, anyway, is because it feels awkward with the atmosphere at the dinner table. I don't know why the others ate so fast.

After eating, Satya immediately led me back to the basement, where the car was parked. While Gilang, it was forbidden for Satya to follow us again. This time, he just complied.

I guess, Satya will reopen our conversation that was delayed because of Gilang. However, Satya was silent. He drove his car quietly, making me reluctant to open my mouth.

Finally, we arrived at my house just at dinner time. My mother welcomed us to the front door.

"Satya's son wants to stop by first?" ask Mother.

"Auntie is not busy anymore?" Satya pleasantries first.

"Just finished dinner" Mother replied with a smile. "Yuk, join us for tea. There's also Gilang."

I and Satya spontaneously exchanged views. Disallow again? Is he in my house now? Does he want to know how my relationship and Satya continues?

Mom walked ahead of us to the dining room. Right, there's Gilang there, preparing tea for Mom. "Hi, guys!" greet Gilang with a thick face.

Mom sat down next to Gilang, and we sat around the table. "What's going on here?" ask me to Gilang.

"The story goes, dong!" sahut Gilang bluntly.

"It's not to be discussed here, Gil!" reject me firmly.

"But I want to know," Gilang became stubborn and annoying.

"What problem?" Mom's talking.

I glared at Gilang, asking him to shut the mouth of the bucket. I don't want you to know about me and Satya from someone else's mouth. It felt like Satya would lose her pride for not being a gentleman.

"Tante," Satya opened his voice. The three pairs of eyes that circled the dining table, were directly fixed on him. Satya sat up straight, her face looking tense. "Right now, I am just an ordinary high school student. I haven't earned yet and still don't have life experience."

I blinked, not understanding Satya's direction. At a glance, I can see Gilang who is grinning again like a horse. I really want to close using the sack of Gilang's face at this time.

"Give me ten years. I'll get a regular job and have an income." Satya took a deep breath. "At that time, please let me ask Debi."

My mouth is gaping, my ears are ringing, while my heart is pounding. My brain still can't accept what Satya said a second ago from her own mouth. It's hard to digest what happened in my dining room.

No one opens their mouth to fill in Mom's words. Gilang who usually nyerocos not clear, decided to shut up and wait quietly. I could feel Satya holding her breath as she did not understand what Mother meant.

Mother raised her face, returning Satya's eyes. "Mom gave you seven years to prove you were worthy of Debi."

"Thank you, Auntie!"

"Call 'mother'."

"Thank you, Mama!"

***

I sat down in front of Rena's grave. I have been through two hours just by looking at a photo of Rena embedded in his tombstone. Rena's beautiful paras will stay that way forever in my mind.

Rena, my good friend, how are you there? Have you calmed down? Just dropped by on my dream, no. Rena wants to be forgotten.

I took a deep breath, then smiled at Rena's photo. "Ren.." call me, even though I know that calling Rena is impossible. "Tempo day, Satya to my house." My smile widened when I remembered Satya's happy expression at that time, when Mom accepted it with an open heart. "Gue knew I was a selfish person. I could've left Satya, because I know exactly how you feel about Satya."

I rubbed my chest, feeling my heartbeat beating regularly. "But I can't." I said in a soft voice. "The heart that you give, jump in excitement whenever there is Satya. It's like you live in me. I realize, it's wrong... You're dead and this heart is now in my body. But," I lowered my head for a moment, then raised my face again, "if you don't mind, I want you to also feel how happy it is to be near Satya, through this heartbeat. We both love it and want to be there... You want to, right, Ren?"

Tears fell down my cheeks. My heart still hurts when I remember the passing of Rena that I did not know.

"Gue promised you, Ren... I will take care of Satya with all my strength.. I won't waste the opportunity you gave me..."

The afternoon breeze blew, feeling soothing when it touched my skin. It is very quiet and makes me sleepy. In Rena's arms too. Every time I have a problem and when I tell it to Rena, she always hugs me. A hug that makes me sleepy.

"Debi! Whoi, wakeup!" someone wiggled my body that began to limp over Rena's grave. "You're all right? Is anyone sick? Going to the hospital?"

I raised my face to look at the panic that woke me up. "Gue's sleepy, Brother!" I protested annoyed.

Satya fell down next to me. His shoulders sagged along with his rough breathing. "Jeez, Deb! I was surprised to see you didn't move! Anyway, why are you here so long?"

I left Satya in her car as soon as we got here. I want to talk to Rena alone, and Satya said. "That's heat?" ask me. Actually I just like to see Satya worried about my circumstances. It was as if I was in his eyes at that moment.

"No need to worry about everything. Yuk, home! Next week we'll see Rena again."

I took a picture of Rena. She looked at me with her pretty round eyes. "Ren, remember my promise, yes" I whispered. Then, I got up followed by Satya. "Gue's hungry."

"What do you want to eat? Let me deal this time. You can eat the whole thing."

We walked to the car parked in the cemetery parking lot. Satya walked a second slower than me. It seems that he is still worried and has not fully believed that I am okay.

Despite her approval to approach me, Satya still kept her distance and was always polite. I am not in a hurry to take action either. Honestly, I still have the thought that this heartbeat belongs to Rena, not me...

***