I WASN'T...

Not Me, But Him

I am still confused why Satya even so cranky. Is it because I proposed to Gilang too? But Satya has no right to be angry about it. He said our date was just like a tour.

"Hhhh.." I took a deep breath. It turns out that having a male friend is not as easy as I imagined. In the novels I have read, they are simple, nothing is as complex as Satya.

"Lo why? From just now sighing continuously," asked Gilang while serving a cup of warm tea in front of me. "Again constipation?"

I breathe again. "Satya's not angry with me."

"Huh?"

I sipped some warm tea in front of me first. The chocolate was immediately on my tongue. Gilang indeed jagonya make tea with a unique taste. "He's ambiguous, I don't understand him!"

Gilang clucked while the ringing of the kapala. "You guys, why ababil, anyway? What's the problem?"

"When we ate at the steakhouse the other day, Satya made me date" I finally admitted it with my own mouth. "So we met in the cafeteria. Satya's sister talked about the matter as well. Next he said that he was ready to be my tour guide and took me on the road. That means she likens dating to touring, right? I'll just answer, if I want to take you all."

"Surely he was angry!" squeak, look emotional. "Lo's really insensitive, huh?" Silang ruffled his hair.

"Why should I be angry?" I really don't understand.

Now, it was Gilang's turn to sigh. "Satya it wants you not to be burdened with the word 'date'. Regardless, you are her best friend Rena and are still in mourning status. There's no way he's just walking around."

I snatched. "But Rena's heart is pounding when Kak Satya is dating. I think Rena is happy, huh!"

"Lo, what the hell is that?" Cross crossed hands on the table with frowns.

"Every sister Satya is near me, Rena's heart is pounding fast. Not to mention Satya's time on a date."

"So," Gilang said slowly, "according to you, that's Rena's heart?"

"It's Rena's heart, isn't it?"

"No, no! I mean, every Satya gives a stimulus and makes the heart beat fast, you think that's because it's Rena's heart?"

I rubbed my chest with a smile. "Gue told you the same thing, right? Rena has a funny condition to be her boyfriend."

"Must make him sting" replied Gilang. Apparently he still remembers.

"This heart reacts every time there is Satya, because this heart belongs to Rena. Rena likes Satya's sister."

"Debi, don't you ever think that you have a crush on Satya?"

I briefly heard Gilang's question. How could Gilang think that I like Satya? Rena likes it, not me.

"The leaflet you feel, because of the reaction of your own body."

I nodded firmly. "It's not me, Gil. Rena has this debate. I have nothing to do with it."

Gilang patted his forehead while exhaling loudly. "This time I don't understand the same way of thinking, Deb!" He lifted his face and looked at me. "According to you, because the heart belonged to Rena before, so the beat you feel now is Rena's beat?"

"Rena will be sad to hear this," muttered Gilang as she leaned back into her chair. "You want to go to a psychiatrist? The way you think is pretty unexpected."

"I was wrong?"

"Yes, you're wrong!"

My forehead was wrinkled, not accepting with what Gilang said. I was about to argue, but Gilang's serious face made me shut up. It's been like this before. "What... What's wrong?" I'm holding back emotions. "This heart belongs to Rena. Didn't Rena donate her heart to stay alive?"

"No!" exclaiming Gilang while breaking the table. "Rena wasn't planning to die! His heart was coincidentally donated to you! Rena's gone, Deb! That heart belongs to you now!"

My mouth is locked seeing Gilang wrath. He is not less scary with Satya if he is angry. My right hand squeezed out my other hand, trying to keep my head cool. In fact, I myself could barely contain the emotions. I don't want to accept that Rena's gone. The words that say it make me angry.

"Debi, please use some common sense. You got perfect grades for biology and chemistry, right? You should understand, the heart is connected to your body, not Rena's body anymore. Everything that makes your heart beat, it depends on the response of yourself."

I got up from my seat, replying to the glint of Gilang's eyes boldly. "Enough!" ask me in a soft voice. For some reason, Gilang's words make me sad. "Gue's home!" I immediately turned around without waiting for a response from Gilang. I almost hit him.

"Don't run!" I pulled my hand so hard that my body turned around. The ringing grip on my right hand was painful. "Lo ran away once, and that's a regret, right?"

"Gue won't listen to you!" I shook his hand.

"What makes you angry?" hiss Gilang was impatient.

"For me, rena is not dead! He's still alive! Rena's heart is still beating!"

THE PLAQUE!

I was shocked not to play when a slap landed smoothly on my cheek. To make my tears come out. Anger that overflowed a second ago, suddenly evaporated, blending with the air around me.

"Enough, Deb!" the sound of a cross vibrates. "Never regard the death of a person as a joke. Rena's gone, you have to accept that!"

I dare not move. Rather than being angry, Gilang looked sad. He looked away when I realized his tears were almost dripping.

"Sorry, I slap you. You can tell your parents that I'll be slaughtered."

"Say..."

"Go!"

I looked at Gilang's back for a while, before deciding to step away and give him some time alone. I remember, that Gilang's parents no longer exist. Is it possible that he feels the same way as I do now? We both oppose the death of our loved ones, and then make it seem as if they are still alive?

But, I really have no right to have feelings for Satya. I've received too much kindness from Rena. If I like Satya, how do I deserve to be called his best friend? It would only hurt Rena's feelings.

I look at the clear night sky. The air outside is still warm. The street in front of my house looked as quiet as ever. I kept quiet for a moment, thinking about how I should behave next. I didn't want to hurt anyone, but eventually everyone got hurt.

***