I WASN'T...

Reason

I watched Mom come into my in-house that night. Outside, the drizzle greeted me even though the rainy season was over, as if understanding how grievous my heart was.

"You haven't slept?" ask Mom for pleasantries. After putting her tote bag on the chair, Mom went inside the bathroom to wash her hands. "Where are you? Does anything feel wrong?"

"Nothing" I answered. My brain thinks hard, how do I provoke talk about changing schools, Rena's parents, and also Rena herself. I want to know, what's the reason you kept this a secret for as long as I was treated.

Mom got out of the bathroom, then closed the window curtain. "Mom spoke to your doctor. He said the results of the examination this time were good. I'm glad to hear it."

I keep watching Mom's movements from the corner of my eye. He was busy tidying up the table that I made a mess by accident.

"May Debi have Debi's phone back?" ask me. In the past, Mom said I would keep my smartphone as long as my condition is not stable. I reasoned that I should focus on my health first and take a lot of rest instead of playing smartphone.

"Better you don't play hape first. Just rest. It's bedtime."

"Debi met Satya," the line just slid from my mouth.

Mom stopped her activities. He stared for a few seconds, before turning to me. "Satya?" mumbling Mother.

"Why did Debi have to change schools? Is it because this is all Debi's fault, so Rena died?"

"NO!" snapped Mom.

Tears began to pool again in my eyes. It feels hot and painful. "Why did Rena die? Why would you accept Rena's heart for Debi? It could be that one day, Rena wakes up from her coma. Why did you let Rena die?"

Mom moved closer and grabbed my hand. "Sorry.." Mom's voice shook. "Mom's planning on telling me everything once we move out of town."

"Why move?"

"Because I don't want you to be sad every time I remember Rena."

My forehead is wrinkled. "So, if we move, Debi can forget Rena?" I grunt tickled. "Where's that assumption?"

"At least you can start a new life with your new self. Look, now you're improving. You received a heart donor, and everything went as expected."

"Why are you keeping everything a secret?" I'm back to our topic of conversation. I don't want to delay anything anymore. I can't keep anything a secret at this time.

Mom was staring at me. "Mom doesn't know how your body reacts, if you know everything once you're sober after surgery. I don't want to take any chances if your emotions aren't contained. Your condition was not stable at the time. You have to keep your heart from working too hard during the healing."

"Because of that reason, I took Debi's phone and didn't receive a visit? I'm afraid, is there someone intentionally or unintentionally divulging everything?"

"Yes... I'm scared," I'm Mom. "Mom saw you many times almost leaving Mom. After getting a heart donor, if something bad happens, you don't want to live anymore. You're the only daughter of the mother. It hurts too much if you don't exist."

"Mother also kept this a secret from Father and Sister Dika?"

That reason is according to my guess. My mother did all this for my own good. "They don't want to move. Debi wants to stay in town. Rena must forever be remembered as Debi's friend and life-saving."

"But it's not good for your psychic, son!"

I shook my head. "Debi wants to stay in this city," I stick to the establishment. My eyes were straight on Mother who also wanted to stick to her decision. "Debi is okay. The proof, today Debi can get through everything without anything happening. When I met Satya, my heart was beating so hard. But Debi's just staying sober and in good health." I examined Mom's expression before continuing. "Debi wants to stay in this town."

Mother did not answer immediately. We wrestled in silence for a few seconds. Apparently, my mother did not immediately follow my decision.

***

I was standing in the hospital park again, after I had a blood test and treadmill. The afternoon air felt a bit wet because it rained heavily last night until this morning.

My gaze swept across the park, looking for Satya. I found him sitting with his eyes closed. Her hair was blurred by the afternoon breeze. Satya's cheeks looked thin, clearly she was thinking about what happened to us. Sadness emanated from his face, though his eyes were closed.

My heart gave a surprising reaction. I'm still not used to this kind of bluster. My heart rate is speeding up, making my face hot.

"Satya," I touched his shoulder, because he still did not flinch even though the sound of the infusion pole that I dragged when approaching him was quite noisy.

Satya opened her eyes quickly. "Debi," he said hello. "I'm sorry, I was thinking."

I sat next to him. My heart rate became stronger as Satya turned her body to face me. I let it be as it is, enjoying how tight my heart rhythm is when it is near Satya. Rena, do you hear that too? You are still alive in me.

"How are you?" ask Satya. "Lo still can't hold hape?"

I shook my head. "Mother also still doesn't agree that I'm staying in this town."

Satya opened her mouth, about to protest. But he quickly closed it back down. He knows I'm not old enough to decide my own life. I can't just decide this without getting consideration from my parents.

"Sister, once I get out of the hospital, I want to look at Rena's grave." My chest feels sliced when I say that. I'm not sure yet, if I can control myself if I see Rena's grave. But I don't want to delay seeing it.

"Lo's sure?" Satya sounded worried, as if reading my worried mind. He stretched his hand out until it coiled around my body as he saw me start crying again. "Gue will accompany. Just calm down. We face this together" said Satya trying to give strength.

I let Satya's warmth seep through the pores of my skin, making my heart run around incessantly. The fragrance of Satya's body mixed with the gentle cologne, drugged my mind. Comfort that I feel, long time make me sleepy.

I leaned my head that felt heavier to Satya's chest that fielded. Satya did not refuse, instead caressing my head slowly. I closed my eyes, letting the drowsiness in take over my consciousness.

"Sister... Shut up for a second, yeah.." I muttered.

***