SURVIVING BECAUSE OF STATUS

CHAPTER.5 THE DEEP PAIN

Out....!!!!!!!!” hardikku to the man in front of me. I don't know where I can scream this loud, maybe it's this heartache that's got it. He raised his face in surprise.

“out you from here I do not want to see your face” hardikku once again tight chest until the throat I do not mind for the sake of this pain relief to pay off. Blood flow has risen to the hot tubs spread throughout the body.

“istighfar dear...”just that word comes out of his mouth, further adding hate in the heart.

“why are you like this Fira” his eyes are still glaring at me

“why,, you ask why” is so stupid my man, after the wound he inched the fire of my anger was ignited he still asked why. It's great that his acting gave him the award for best actor of the year.

“that question should be for you and that seductress” my voice has echoed throughout the room, it might even have been heard up to Rania's room I don't care

“He is not a teaser, I asked him”

Yes Rab.let alone this. Even he was still defending the cheap woman before me before his own wife, the woman who had given him one child, the woman who had accompanied him from nothing, the woman he said he would love until death separated.

What happened to my husband, why he was so anxious to protect that woman. Did you know my husband feels my hatred is growing because of the sharpness of your tongue.

I got up I pulled this man's hand as hard as I had left, I pulled him to the door and pushed him hard, I knew he wasn't completely against me.

“Mother calm yourself do not be like this, we can talk well I beg you I can be fair to you two” every word that comes out of his mouth like hundreds of sharp thorns stuck in the heart. I don't mind him, I hold my lips back for another meghardy. Kubanting hard door. I'll spin lock. I cried leaning behind the door, my legs limp until I sat down.

I ignored the sound of calling from the outside, the repeated pounding was unable to shake my stance. I sat down with both hands hugging my knees, I buried my face there.

These tears are proof of how disappointed I am in the man I was a few hours ago still proud of.

“Open the door baby you still hurt don't be like this, don't torture yourself. I'm sorry, I'm indeed a useless man forgive me”. And a line of other sentences were spoken while knocking on the door from the outside. I close my ears tightly, both hands I press hard so that no sound gap from the jerk guy comes in, which will only increase my disgust.

If I may ask why, why, why should I experience this, what is my fault, do all that he asks, be a good wife and mother I have done, why is it so cruel my husband made me fall and fall in the blink of an eye.

My chest tightened my hot throat my breath was stung with anger I could not vent. restrained, clumped together with my boiling blood.

My fist pointed at the head, hitting hard regretting my current stupidity. Dragging my feet towards the bed I put my body down, maroon sheets with red roses I squeezed as hard as I could, I wanted to scream shed all the anger and disappointment that raged on my chest.

At least if I sensitize a little maybe everything will not be too late, this pain will not befall me, adoration and infidelity mas amir can I prevent. But what, even a month ago I ignored, was that her husband met my husband with a beautiful woman while reviewing a home renovation that happened to be working there.

“ his business partner most mbak, he is a business partner with his office friends many ” replied me at the time

“but, my husband saw my father squatting clean his girlfriend's shoes bu continues, go time gandengan” mbak tini call my husband father.

“What's wrong mbk help a friend, my husband is indeed the person, if the problem is possible husband mbk tini wrong see ” I replied casually.

The memory repeats itself in the head like a running film shot. Jolting memories one by one of my husband, of his cruelty lying to me. Uncivilized....

Let alone the watch worn from that cheap woman, oh,,, stupid,, stupid,, stupid,, stupid, stupid, I knock my head over and over. Back my tears flowed this heart slashed. Allah.is this a trial or recompense for my actions all this time. Tired of thinking this tired heart, never felt such terrible pain, came so suddenly without any preparation in advance.

Ah, yes perfume, mas Amir changed the perfume he used to wear from a month ago. The smell of perfume when I was in college was his choice, I still remember the scent. When I asked him he only replied that he just wanted to change his boss, he said, what's wrong with changing instead. And I can still be admired without arousing my suspicion.

Keep my eyes repeated, glare.my head hurts so much, I fall asleep not remember from what time, tired of attacking. Scroll clock on the wall, two o'clock still with the position of the face down it feels my body stiff all I turned slowly. How long I slept. I have not prayed isya’. I took my foot to the bathroom in the room. Very weak I, it turns out that anger not only erodes the mind even weak, still forced myself for the sake of my obligations to the owner of life. I will confess to him all the deeds of Mas Amir, how he has cruelly betrayed me.

The sharpness of the prayer mat on the floor of my room, this plain white cloth covered me from head to toe. I solemnly did until the last greeting closed powerless to stem these tears, out without orders, heartache beyond the pain in this body. The prostration and tears became my outlet for this anger. Truly I stir all to the owner of my soul and my body screams and cries can only reach the neck, let only me and my Lord know. How devastated and tormented I am for what Amir did. Just saying his name now makes me sick.

Cowering above the prostration with the face that is still attached to the body. I don't know what to do right now, God, I'm confused my brain is tired of thinking. Accepting mas amir's request is impossible, or parting with him I can't, this heart loves him too much. My head is throbbing hard, I'm hurting as hard as I can. The pain,, the pain, it's very much in torturing me.

“Mother,,,”the voice on the door that initially slowly gets louder even the man banged even louder, the call of his voice repeated no less loud. Fed up of me I don't know, just hearing his voice made me want to slap and scratch his face.

“honey,,, you're okay, Fira...Fira... don't scare me, from last night you haven't eaten,, open the door baby”all his calls to me were issued just so I open the door. I don't care if I ignore the voice that's getting sick of me. The longer it sounded louder, I curled up the deeper the tears still flowed profusely, I rubbed violently. Even my nose goes into the race.

My stomach hurts, like it's being stabbed. Voices

at the door disappeared I do not care, still at home with this position, the dawn prayer reverberated from the mosque kompelks unpretentious with the mosque adjacent to this complex. Calling a sleeping soul, throwing tired after the morning struggling with world affairs.

Risen to do two rakaat before dawn, the benefits are like gripping the world with its contents, this habit I routinely do. Usually I am not as solemn now, the feeling of wanting to complain makes me feel at home for a long time to meet my Lord.

Continuing the morning prayer, the strands of prayer I chanted after raising my hands deeper. Tears are getting louder, no power I can hold, squandered all, sick, sad disappointed, desperate maybe even now I think confused do not know what to do.