SURVIVING BECAUSE OF STATUS

GO AWAY

When defending is not an option, retreat is the best way. Not to admit defeat. But take a swing so that it can jump further.

Leaving the wound along with the sweet memories I will bury so as not to leave a trace.

“this file is done mbak, do not want to think about it again” Amirah, a lawyer who I asked for help to take care of my divorce papers with mas Amir.

There was no other choice, I didn't want to add to my heartache by being with her. Seeing him share his love for a second time.

“Thank you, I didn't take this decision all of a sudden. There is a strong reason I should indeed stay away from him” I said with a glaring look. Pain in this heart there will be no cure. I don't want to fall down a second time.

“i hope this is the best decision for mbak and also Mr. Amir especially for Rania” advice Amirah, from his tone there is pity that I caught. I understand it's going to be tough for Rania. My daughter is so close to her father. Perhaps Rania was the most hurt in my parting with Mas Amir.

“i'm sure this is the best. Then excuse me. Thanks for the help” I shook his hand. After my story with this man, the man who made me fall in love for the first time, who gave the pain of being cheated for the first time and felt a deep heartbreak for the first time.

I drove my motorbike to the store where I busied myself ahir-ahir this. refrained from telling anyone. Including the sri. I don't want my plan to just fail.

“ibu syafira, I see this ahir-ahir often moody, daydreaming, if there is anything mom can tell me, who knows can help. If there is a problem do not dipendam yourself later sick you” sound sri. Even with him I don't want to tell stories. Could've changed my plan if he found out.

“maybe only soybean takes care of two companies as good as sri. Oiya, the file for student duty is finished?” my many. My departure is only to wait for the completion of the management of student duties from GLOBAL. My resolve was already unanimous, going away from developing myself. Living happily with Rania and continuing my ideals deepened business knowledge.

“already, here is the file, here are some university options that you can take. Later the rest of my business”ansi sri. He handed me the full file. I opened and read some of the universities of choice.

It turns out that these are some of the best campuses in every city in Indonesia. All right, all the files are ready, my heart is fixed there will be no one to stand in the way now.

My choice fell on the best college away from my city. Kalimantan island is an option. Going away, as far away as it is leaves a wound that begins to rot. The betrayal they committed had burned the spirit within me. Rise in pursuit of an unfulfilled dream. Until no one can sniff my existence.

“ahir-ahir this I see you seem to be a lot silent. Honey, tired huh?” that's my husband's voice, pretending to be okay in front of him just waiting for tomorrow. All files are complete. And my preparations are ripe. Whatever he's gonna do with that woman after that I don't care.

My business now makes me and Rania happy.

“nothing, maybe just a feeling of mas course” I replied without enthusiasm.

“whether you want a vacation, your routine is too solid to have to take care of two companies, how about next week we go to Japan, fulfill Rania's desire to see snow, he must be happy” my husband is so snitchy. I shook weakly. But sorry, my heart is no longer there for him. Whatever he says won't change my feelings.

How could he act so ordinary in front of me. Very clever he kept the rot behind me, maybe he thought I was the old Syafira who was easily lied to. Closing the stench of her affair behind my back. Sorry, that opportunity came once.

Let's play our respective roles until the farewell comes

“I miss the father of the same mother, tomorrow I can go home. Only 3 days, I often nanyain Rania” replied me

“oh, so..gimana if the week tomorrow as well as take care of the leave letter first” he replied. This guy is really good at theatrics. I'm sick of it. It's enough that he pretends to be good in front of me, I don't want to be touched anymore.

“but I want it tomorrow, if you wait for the holidays too long Rania holiday” said I, do not want this man following me can be fatal later.

“oh, so. Yes it's okay you go home first later mas nyuluan how” he said giving advice

“that's better, tomorrow I leave in the morning at 10an”

“let usher office driver don't take the bus, pity Rania is afraid of soybeans” he said while hugging me.

Please be satisfied to embrace me. Do what you want to do. I'll assume this is your last hug. A farewell hug from me.

I nodded weakly, this heartache came back against me. There were tears melting on my cheeks I rubbed them slowly, afraid my husband was suspicious.

I acted as usual to make breakfast, driving her to the door. Kiss his hand before he leaves.

“keep yourself well mas, don't eat carelessly as long as I'm gone. Keep the stomach acid do not eat late. Don't get too tired of work and don't stress” a line of my advice for my husband.This love is still there. This will be my last day doing it.

“what, like a person who will go a long time, tomorrow the day after mas will follow there. Why sad gini” my husband looks at me confused. She cupped both my cheeks kissing my forehead softly.

“it's okay we have never been berajuhan so far forgive fira if there is a wrong” somehow the sentence just slid from my lips

“you why baby, sorry all. You cry ya” asked again, her hands rubbed my tears gently and then hugged me tightly

“nothing. Depart later mas belated” diverts the conversation fearing he is suspicious.

Put down the divorce papers that I signed, which only my husband's signature remains, after which we are no longer husband and wife. There is a feeling of pain that strikes. This room, this house, holds many of my memories with her. Every corner holds a memory I won't easily forget.

I don't feel my tears dripping. There is a feeling of emptiness in me. The feeling of deep loss. My husband is an ex now. Every divorce leaves a wound, even if we want to. Memories of togetherness, happiness, sadness, laughter dancing in my mind.

The seven-year number is not a minute. We started from zero fighting together to this point now. Until finally I did not expect that we would give up until here. When all the goals have been achieved.

I'm sorry mas. Maybe this will surprise you, but I have no other choice.

I have to find my own happiness.we will move on with each other's lives. I gave up on not being able to bear the pain of the selfishness of my husband who was firmly in a relationship behind me. I have had enough of my struggles all this time.

I also put the proof of transfer of some money into Andara's account. So that he knows the reason for my departure. Wedding ring, Marriage certificate. I put a line on the nightstand. One day she will realize that I am not a weak woman who will beg for love from her.

Be happy with the woman you fight for, let me give up because I will not be able to take you away from her. Let time kill this feeling, perhaps the message of destiny does not include our names to be together forever.

I pulled the suitcase slowly towards the exit, had stopped in the family room. I heard my husband's jokes and laughter there. Rania who hugged her spoiled father, Mas Amir hugged me then kissed my forehead. It is clearly depicted as a real-life slide film. Our laughter was clearly heard in my ears. Without feeling my tears wash my cheeks.

There was a sudden intrusion. My shortness of breath because I held a cry that I could not let go. Nothing hurts more than betrayal. Once I've forgiven, but this time I will determine my happiness

Rania holds my hand and hugs her beloved doll. Staring at me questioningly.

Forgive mother son, if in the end Rania who will be hurt. But for now you are the most precious treasure you have.

Walking out, my husband's driver was waiting outside. Closing the door and locking it. My story is really over. My house is over. I put the key under the urn. The place I used to put it when my husband came out didn't bring a spare key.

“pak, please tell the same sir amir the key I put under the urn” I said to the driver who will drive me home.

“but I have brought a spare key bu” replied the man who just joined my husband 3 months ago.

“it's okay, from now on maybe I won't set foot here” I said again. I got into the car with a shaky step.

Looking at this memorable home linger. It's really how I feel, how we struggle to get it first. But when I remember how my husband will occupy him with that woman. The hatred is back. Burn the spirit to leave immediately.

Goodbye, thank you for our seven years together. I who could not endure chose to stay away for the sake of a heart unable to endure the pain of the umpteenth time. May we be happy with the life choices we make.

***

Here I am now, in a rental house on the outskirts of one of the cities on the island of Kalimantan, with a beautiful mountain atmosphere, a simple house with a modern minimalist model. Domination catcolor ash young. There are only 3 bedrooms and two bathrooms. And there's only one floor for me to live with Rania.

How did I get here.

After the driver delivers. I took a taxi back to the airport. Lying to my husband's driver did not want to be delivered until the house was worried that my father and mother asked the reason why Amir, while staying at home brother waiting for Mas Amir to come, after that we will go to the mother's house together. Thankfully, the man believed.

Lying to a lot of people is okay. Only I know how I should behave. I don't want to care about their feelings right now. My own feelings are much more important.

Removing all social media accounts, replacing HP and simcard, already au do. I don't want anyone to know where I am here. I want to live as a new human being, leaving wounds that still feel throbbing.

I'm confused what to do, it's been a week for me and Rania here. Both without knowing anyone. I'm a lost stranger. You haven't been to a new place without my husband since I married him. He always takes me anywhere.

Ah, why did my memory go back to that man. Maybe he's happy now. My departure will make his life more free with Andara. Or maybe they're having their official wedding after signing my divorce papers.

My heart as if it were sliced off in light of that betrayal, it is not easy to erase. This week I just spent being quiet and crying. Imagine my husband's happy smile with his wife. Imagining him mixing love in the room we used to live in.

I cannot stand, O God...

Why does this taste still torment me,

There was an invisible hand squeezing my heart.