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Eighty One's

...Continue, Pilgrim......

...----...

I focused on chewing on the sandwich that I hoped would soon run out from before me. This morning, I left Ken's apartment when he was asleep. I know that his condition is still not well recovered. Coupled with last night's events certainly make Ken less rest. So when he finally realized I wasn't in his apartment an hour after I left, Ken called me and insisted on having breakfast together. But unfortunately this time I was much more strict with him and told him I had left for the office after breakfast. I have not eaten any form of food.

After drinking a cup of coffee with Mas Alvin earlier in the office, I think there is no harm in eating the breakfast that Reiki was forced to serve in front of me. I just need to have breakfast as I want, right?! Then when it's over, he can't stop me from going back to the office.

"I've already canceled my engagement."

Suddenly this sandwich felt as hard as a rock so I found it very difficult to swallow. I looked up and apparently the man was enjoying his breakfast casually as if his word just now was a trivial thing.

He returned my surprised look at his words. A thin yet sweet smile I saw adorned her lips.

"That means you have to get ready."

"What's ready?" much worry. Must be dealing with family, do you?! If yes, then I am dead.

"Prepare to be my partner forever."

I didn't listen to her words just now. All I know is that my brain is in shock right now. All sorts of thoughts filled my head without me telling.

"Why did Mas Rei break up his engagement?" this is where my brain focuses. "Why if your family will blame me? What if later I get in trouble–"

"Darling," Reiki knew he had a hand on the table. Her grip was so strong as I tried to pull my hand. "Don't worry. I'll protect you from now on."

I shook my head hard. That's not the point. But he always decides everything he wants without asking me if I agree or not.

"Mas Rei thinks I want to? Am I ready?" again, I shook my head. "I have the right to decide for myself about my life."

"And I can't live without you."

That sentence stunned me. It is not a special sentence, but rather a familiar twist I know. It's just that, somehow this time I didn't catch the tone and the point of the mutter. I describe it as an expression of honesty.

Oh my gosh, I'm crazy. My brain is completely insane.

"That's your business. I still don't want anything Mas Rei wants," I said flatly.

Hearing my words, the man's jaw seemed to tighten. I know very well that he is now being offended, angry, or whatever his name is because he does not like to be denied the most. Especially by me. But he seems to be trying to be patient even though his ego was scratched by my refusal.

"Azzura."

Right, aren't. When he gets angry, he says my name. Or rather it was said that he was currently in an irritated mode.

Chewing the last piece of bread with my right hand –because my left hand is still in his grip– after that I immediately sipped tea and immediately finished it too. Then I said to her, "I'm done with breakfast. I'm going back to the office."

I got up from the chair but my hand was still firmly in his grasp which I could make sure would not be easy to let go of.

I had to sit back. "Mas Rei what the hell? Don't bother me anymore."

"Because of Ken?"

I'm shaking. "Here's Mas Rei playing Janeta?" accuse me. "So what does that engagement mean? If only you could do that with Janeta, what else would it be with me?"

"You know for sure that engagement wasn't my will."

"I don't know. The vow. How many months have it been since we parted, and I don't know any more about you."

"But you're all I want, Azzura" he said. "Until this moment, I still want you."

"Mas Rei's obsession with me hasn't stopped?"

"Who said?" he clutched my hand that he had been holding since.

I tried to hold back from grimacing despite the pain.

"I remember that I once said love to you. And you must still remember it."

It's true, I still remember it. But now it feels different. That special sentence had already passed along with the suffering present in my life. And my brain decided that the word love was just a part of the past.

I slowly slicked my shoulders. My eyes dropped because I didn't know what else to answer. The taste for it is still there and will always be there until when. I don't know. I want to believe that we have the same feelings. However, that sense was not something reliable. Because like stories in general about love stories without blessing, love stories about many differences, then what always happens is the inability to unite.

It's not like I gave up before I fought. But I have no more strength to fight. I have once had a broken heart followed by the destruction of the family, so I never intend to get destroyed again and again.

"I'm as serious as you are, but you still don't believe. Is this because of Ken? Has your heart turned to Ken?"

Again, I looked into his eyes and tried to express my feelings. "I really like Ken" as a friend. But not yet I continue my sentence, at once he has released the grip of his hand that was felt very strong.

Then somehow got a push from nowhere, a fear from the corner of my heart because the hand that released me I immediately grabbed back to hold.

"I mean I– I'm comfortable .. I like to be friends with Ken. I am happy to be around him despite his status as a friend. I also do not know how I feel exactly the same he .. which must be me... I am comfortable ..." Why do I stutter as if trying to explain to him? Or I'm telling my heart about Ken, or what, I really don't understand my heart right now. I surrendered.

When I realized later that I was holding Reiki's hand firmly, that was when I realized also the biggest mistake I had made.

I hurriedly let go of that hand and was about to look at Reiki, when I felt suddenly my face grabbed by someone to turn my head and ...

Jeez ...

Since when did Reiki kiss my lips?

...***...