Just a Bond

Contrition

“So how's the story?”

Looking closely at Kinan's face, trying to solidify the choice that had actually occurred in the brain for a long time, I replied, “Actually I invited him out, not want to explain about my feelings with Rifka aja. But ... I didn't intentionally make him almost die because of the food he was allergic to. From there I was angry with myself because I felt unable to take care of Najwa, plus Mas Reza was angry too.”

“And you get more emotional, while Najwa tries to calm you down. But because the time is not right, you get more emotional and end your quarrel. That, right?”

“He provoked my anger first, Nan. So yes so, until—”

“Najwa concluded itself that you have no intention of changing? You are getting angry because then, you feel Najwa continues to sue you, while you have not been steady with your choice?”

Kinan is smart. Can he guess correctly what I think? Silence with frustration printed on Kinan's face also makes me breathe tired. The communication between me and Najwa was really messed up, so a lot of misunderstandings were created. I was wrong too. From the beginning I chose access to communication with him.

Gosh darn. I think I'm really a jerk. 

While still engrossed in silence, the ringing of the phone diverts attention. I hurriedly grabbed the electronics in my pocket. My forehead shrinks as soon as I read the name of the Father listed in the WhatsApp notification pop up.

Sired

Another father in Sumenep, Han. Why are you suddenly asking about the beginning of your marriage?

I was a little surprised to read the message, because I remember never sending the message to my father. However, as I scrolled through the messages on it, I was stunned as soon as I read my typed message on my Father's roomchat. It's true that I sent him a message asking how they agreed with Najwa's parents. I sighed softly for a moment.

This must have been when I was still his emotions. Until I realized, God. 

Wet cockerels, pounding all over. I immediately typed a reply to Father.

Me_Fuadi Farhan's

No, Sir. Pengin just know how the Father and Mother when applying for Najwa first. He means those words.

"Message from whom?" Kinan's voice sounded again.

I turned my attention towards Kinan for a moment. "Mr. Don't talk about it." Because I want to focus on my answer.

Luckily, Kinan was silent. He may also continue his work, as it is working hours. I waited for a reply to a message from my father with anxious expectation. Occasionally tap your fingers on the phone screen.

You have long replied, even though he was online, lo.

A few minutes later, a new message came in. I read that message.

Sired

Didn't Mother talk to you, Han? Mother said you agreed at that time. Yes, I immediately made an appointment with Mr. Ahmad and immediately proposed to Najwa. Mr. Ahmad also said he would wait for Najwa to answer before accepting. It turns out that Najwa accepted, you're finally getting married. What the hell is it?

You know what it's like to have a row with a frenzy of presenting an argument and keukeh with that argument, but it turns out that the argument is wrong? It's wrong, put on a haughty tone and blame others again. That's how I feel now.

Like there is a flow of stun running through the hand that holds the phone, until it vibrates strong enough. Almost the electronic object fell from his grasp if it had completely lost consciousness. Once again I read my message, same result. However, the disbelief was still there, until I repeated it once again. Nothing has changed.

Though still trembling, I forced my hand to type a reply for Dad. I need reassurance once again if what I read is true.

Me_Fuadi Farhan's

Ja-so the same Father Mother does not offer matchmaking first?

Damnit damnit! My nervousness got carried away on writing a message to the Father. If removed, it could be that the Father is getting kepo and the business becomes long.

I hope you don't suspect why I suddenly wrote that.

Waiting for an answer from the Father, makes the atmosphere feel more tense. Cold sweat began to wash over parts of the body. From earlier this gaze continued to focus on staring at the phone screen, ignoring the circumstances around. If only the answer you gave me was something I didn't want---

This hand is more vibrating when a reply message from the Father comes in just a few seconds. Slowly, I read it well.

Sired

How are you, Han? Yeah no. The same Father Mother will make sure to you first agree or do not. You said you agreed at that time, and then you went forward. Didn't Mommy say that her son, Pak Ahmad, was Najwa?

Not answering any more messages from you, I put that phone on the table. I drowned my face behind the two hands I put on the table. Istighfar's chant began to be repeated over and over again. Disillusioned. That's how I feel now. Yes, disappointed with yourself for drowning yourself in misunderstandings. So disappointed, these eyes feel wet.

"Astaghfirullah, forgive the servant of Allah" I said.

"Han, Farhan?"

Still closing my face, I said softly, “I was wrong, Nan. I misjudged Najwa all along. I sinned for torturing innocent people.”

Flash events since the beginning of our marriage, there were countless how many tears were spilled from the petals of the woman, to the point of anger and the long sentences had begun to twist.

Oh, my God, Najwa. Im sorry.

All the shadows kept spinning like automatic tapes, creating an ever-expanding sense of guilt in the chest.

“What do you mean, Han?”

“Najwa really knows nothing about our matchmaking. What Najwa said seemed to be true. I'm the one who just realized.”

"I don't understand, Han. Meaning how?"

"I told you that I hate Najwa because he accepted an arranged marriage offer from my parents, right?" Kinan nodded. "I'm wrong, Nan."

"Han, I don't understand. Wait, you know that Rifka likes you and it turns out that she accepted Rifki's proposal from when?"

I breathe heavily. This is something I just realized. From the beginning Mother asked me how if I married her son Pak Ahmad alone, I never asked about who he was, because all I know his son Pak Ahmad is only Rifka. The person I mean and what you mean turns out to be different people.

Oh God.

When I first saw Najwa on the cover, obviously, I was shocked. Especially after that Rifka came with a man and a tiny baby that she recognized as her husband and child. The shock is no longer inevitable.

I still remember talking to Rifka again before the proposal was over. Intentionally scurrying with the reason to want to go to the bathroom for a while, but want to see Rifka to ask for an explanation of everything.

"So a year lost, you left me with someone else, Ka?"

The woman sitting in the garden beside her house immediately turned her head. My eyeballs widened as soon as it found her crying. Immediately I approached him, and as soon as I arrived near him, he rushed straight into my arms.

"I'm sorry, Mas. I was forced to choose Mas Rifki because---"

"Because of what, Rifka? And before that you were sure and optimistic to say about the continuation of our relationship to each other's parents."

Then came the story of Rifka after that. Since then, hate has grown. I wanted to cancel immediately, but once I returned to the living room of Najwa's house and saw Mommy so happy, I could not bear to. It was there that a wicked and cunning idea arose to make Najwa suffer.

And now, when all the truth is revealed .... "I was wrong, Nan. I've already wronged Najwa."

The news given by you, and ******* breath riled up Kinan made me back chaotic, whereas since I first started telling stories, my feelings have started to lighten.

"And .. maybe what you said is true, Nan. I wouldn't be this upset after a fight with Najwa if my feelings were still the same as before.”

Is correct. Inevitably, unconsciously, my heart began to respect Najwa's existence. Ah, goddamn. If this is the story, I'm the loser. Not Najwa.

“Keep why are you still here?” Instantly I seemed to incarnate a daze when I got that question from Kinan.

“Come, Han. Don't think too much. Now go home, apologize to Najwa and explain everything clearly so that there will be no more misunderstandings between you.”

I did not get up from my seat, as a feeling of worry and fear of rejection suddenly burst into my chest. I wasn't sure if Najwa would ever trust me again.

“Han, let's go home. Beware of regret if you do not move, lo.”

I immediately grabbed the car keys and dropped off the laptop, then immediately brought the car home.

Najwa, I'm sorry. I am sorry that I have made you suffer.

***

Hayo. Want Mas Farhan to be recognized? Mas Farhan nyampe his house again, lo. 🙊 Comments, yuk.

Sumenep, Madura, East Java

Friday, 17 September 2021