Just a Bond

Trying to Convince the Heart

“Crue, Han. But that doesn't mean it can't be changed. You are the only one who does not want to try to see Najwa from the other side,” refute Kinan.

I snorted loudly hearing it. “Don't be brave first? I'm not done.”

Kinan. “Okay, okay, Mr. Farhan Fuadi. Please continue the story telling,” he said.

Ignoring the frustration from Kinan's actions just now, I fell silent again, thinking about what I would say after this. It was still doubtful, but again and again, Kinan tried to convince me to keep telling him. “But ... after that, especially when Mother suddenly came to the house three days ago, and stayed there so that it requires us to act like a husband and wife in general, I started to get distracted by Najwa's whereabouts. Seeing how she tried to keep the attitude in front of Mommy and really pay attention to how Bunda— feels even though I know she must be tired from having to skate—aku so think that Najwa is actually a good woman."

I paused for a moment, letting the memory of Najwa's behavior during Mother's stay at home. Everything is clearly in the brain. Even in front of you, Najwa still followed the stage I created.

"When we stayed in one room, Mother was breathing-even in one bed-night-night-night I was surprised by the sound of a small sobbing. It turned out that Najwa was crying, but his eyes were still closed.” I still remember how sad the expression on Najwa's face was and the tears I wiped that night. I don't know what happened, there was a little bit of heartlessness, whereas before I often saw Najwa secretly crying in the next room when I was after I was told.

Again, I rubbed my face slowly. “When Najwa suddenly changed cuek—especially during at his home, the same was ... he was close to continue with Mas Reza—I feel that something keeps changing as I. Until yesterday he threatened not to talk to me before I say what I want, I just keep thinking."

Maybe you who never knew I was in my position, will arbitrarily judge, even blaspheme me for not being assertive with your own feelings. However, you do not know how difficult it is for me to fight the anxiety and confusion that continues to hit. Its okay, like I said earlier, I won't take your blasphemy.

Back to the discussion. At the same time I was sued by two sisters who somehow became entangled in the dictionary of my life. Rifka with her feelings are still the same to me, always demanding that I want to take her out of her household with Rifki who said not happy—though it crossed the thought, if she was indeed unhappy with Rifki, if she was not happy with Rifki, why is there Rizqun?

Then on the other hand, Najwa demanded that I make a decision immediately. A little bit I understand, anyway, with the reason why he has been demanding lately. Even his signature statement while still at Dad's house when asking for reassurance from me, inexplicably brought up a little vibration in the heart. The sad look on Najwa's face and the clear eyes that are always glazed is what makes me feel the most chaotic, but on the same occasion, Rifka also showed such an expression.

Afraid of being disappointed again by expectations, it was Najwa's words that I still remember to this day.

If nothing had changed and my heart had never been disturbed by the bitter tears and the change in her attitude and everything I had said, I would have chosen to end our marriage. For a long time I was tired of being pretentious and romantic in front of our extended family. Or else, I would continue to torment her through feelings. Let's say I'm selfish for still wanting Rifka and not divorcing Najwa. But .. ah, this feeling is really hard to define.

"Great, dong."

The two words spoken from Kinan's lips diverted me from the thoughts that had been raging against each other ever since. The head that was originally slightly lowered, now looked up, looking at Kinan's face that still looked calm with a frown.

“What's great?” my many. However, what made me upset, instead of immediately answering, Kinan laughed instead.

"Nan, I'm serious."

"Yes, yeah. I'm serious too kali. But don't be so serious why? Your face looks older because it's too quiet" Kinan said, still annoying as it turns out. It's the Najwa's or what, anyway?

Perhaps realizing my frustration, Kinan then stopped his laughter by smothering his mouth for a while. After that, he said, "You realize, you didn't, if actually your heart started to be knocked by Najwa, Han?"

"Don't worry about talking, Nan."

I'm not sure if there's a sense of the same Najwa. In my eyes he's still a bitch. However ....

"As far as you are, Han. You want to lie to your feelings, please. Be honest, monggo. Gini. While at Najwa's house, Rifka must have been there, right?” I can't avoid that question, until the nod becomes the answer.

“As I knew from the beginning, surely you guys like to chat like always.” I still flinch because Kinan's guess is correct. “How did you feel while you were on Rifka's side? Has anything changed? Still the same as before?”

I was silent at the question, and confused as to what to answer. Kinan suddenly chuckled. “Han, Han. Actually, you already know what you want to choose, but ..the past will remain behind, Han. He will not be able to get as hard as you try. Do not forget that there is something more important, namely the future.”

Where's your brain, Han? How long have you been wasting your time trying to do what is impossible?

“Now I ask, you got this mess why? Ah, sorry. I forgot that you said Najwa already knew everything. I changed the question. How does Najwa know?"

"So morning I took him for a walk."

"Seriously?"

I clucked softly at the question. "My face isn't convincing, is it?"

Kinan changed his position again, from the one sitting upright, now slightly lowered his head and fused his chin on the table. "No, anyway. I was wondering how you got Najwa out. Before-before-—”

"Udah, Nan. Let's talk about something else." I'm lazy they re-occurred. When I remember that, I feel ashamed of myself. I could have acted like this this morning, but before that I always put flat mode in front of Najwa. Uh, but not just this morning, anyway. Since coming to Najwa's father's house, I've changed. I was no longer Farhan who first challenged Najwa on our first night.

“So how's the story?”

***

How's it? Curious about Mas Farhan's choice? Kuy comment. Wkwk. Mas Farhan's version is not over. Enjoy the story. Relax, karma will happen. Ha-has.

Sumenep, Madura, East Java

Thursday, 16 September 2021