Just a Bond

Baffled

Farhan Point of View

***

"Younob! Goddamn bum!"

I was struck quite stubbornly this time when the memory of the great quarrel with Najwa was replayed. The roar of breath began to hunt because the emotions were so overpowering.

"Damn it! It could get out of control like that!" Again, this hand managed to land a blow on the head.

"Farhan, what's wrong with you?" The suddenly audible question interrupted my activities. I immediately raised my face to look at the person, it turned out to be Kinan. It is clearly a look of panic on the face of a friend during college who until now became my coworker.

"What are you doing here?" my cynic.

Kinan's forehead puckered for a moment. "Liet time talking about it. Like another girl PMS.”

“Do not provoke my emotions, Kinan.”

“OK. Whatever. But what does it mean to ask why I'm here? I should be here, right?" Kinan paused for a moment. He looked around, not knowing what he was looking for. "You don't forget it's a studio, ‘kan, Han?"

My eyeballs bought along with the shock and disbelief that appeared in my heart. I immediately spread my eyes around. Justright. I am not aware of my current existence. I was in the studio, sitting in my usual chair.

"Astaghfirullahal azim."

Rough mouthful all sides of the face while exhaling a frenzied breath. What demon has possessed me to drive a car, I am in a state of semi-consciousness? Oh my God, good thing it didn't crash and arrived safely in this place. No wonder? Where was my soul during this journey?

I hung my chin on the table, face to face with the laptop that turned out to be on. Oh, my God, that's so bad.

“Han, why?” repeat Kinan as he got out of his chair, moved to sit in the front seat of my desk. "From that time the new fit until it was also like an idolatrous person. Called nenggak nyaut."

How do you want nyut? Arriving here is unconscious.

However, I was still silent, rather trying to calm down by taking a deep breath, then exhaling slowly. In silence—because Kinan no longer asked after not getting an answer—otak began to obscure the memory of what had happened today; starting from the incident Najwa almost died because of me, the anger of Mas Reza, the anger of Mas Reza, day ... "A dick indeed," my hissing as he hit back on the head.

What kind of husband doesn't know about his wife?

"Han, what's wrong with you, anyway? From that hisses are not clear," grumbled Kinan again. I still don't want to answer the question. Feelings of annoyance with self-defeat are more domineering. I have chosen the wrong move because I put too much anger forward.

Idiotically. Yes, said Najwa, Farhan Fuadi is a stupid man who does not know himself.

I don't know what demon possessed me, right now I suddenly feel guilty and regret my actions since this morning. The words that Najwa spoke during our quarrel, seemed to really open our eyes. From there I realized that I was a jerk who usually made people suffer.

You know for sure my depraved behavior towards Najwa all this time. You also know the reason why all this time I really hate the woman who has the status of my wife. It is up to you to blaspheme me; even to swear a lifetime of karma from my actions, go ahead. I will not be evasive, as I said just now, I began to realize that the guilty here is me, not Najwa.

Oh my God, what am I supposed to do now? What would you do if everything was revealed? What about Mr Ahmad, and the rest of Najwa's family? One more, Mas Reza. What would he do if he knew his sister suffered so much with me?

But, those are all consequences. Every thing I've done, it's bound to be said, right? I'm the one who starts making trouble, and I'm the one who has to solve it.

"Huhn?" The slow pat on the shoulder Kinan made again jolted me from the daydream.

"You why? It's not usually this."

I looked at Wajh Kinan for quite a while. Again, a puff of tired breathing sounded before I answered the question. "I ... Najwa knows everything."

"Why fucked that up? Is this not what you want? From the beginning you never cared about Najwa. But why think of him now?"

From the moment I got married, Kinan was the only one who knew I couldn't move on from Rifka. It started because he had accidentally picked up Rifka's phone when I went to the bathroom and dropped the phone on him and told him to pick up if anyone called. So, yeah so. Because of that phone call Kinan interrogated me and was often angry, but I always cared. From the past also I could not hide much from Kinan, maybe because he had been friends for a long time, he had memorized my character. And yes, he finally knew all my rotten plans to Najwa. He often gave ultimatums about karma, just as Mas Reza was blatantly protective of his younger brother. But yes it was, so late in the past, I did not want to listen to anything, even though the life I lived was no longer about the past.

Hearing Kinan's similar sentence of ridicule just now, made it seem like I was at a loss for words to answer that question. If you think about what I've done so well. I should just calm down, right? But ....

"Actually I'm confused by my own feelings now, Nan." I'm starting to make a sound, it looks like I need some input now. I can't just keep quiet and leave things unresolved.

"Why?" Kinan confirmed his sitting position. You may feel uncomfortable because you haven't changed position since. Again I fell silent, worried about telling or not to Kinan.

“You don't know me, anyway, Han. From the past also often stories, why now difficult? Maybe I can't give you a solution, but at least I can help ease the burden of your mind by sharing.”

Really nice and dreamy man. Kinan with his positive thoughts and calm soul, made me a little bit inferior. However, given how messed up I was, I couldn't keep it all alone. Alright.

"So, as you know from the beginning, the first week or two we were married, I could not care at all about Najwa.” There was a pause after that sentence.

Kinan was still silent, seemingly giving me space to tell all the turmoil and confusion that seemed to be keeping me in a state of confusion lately.

Feeling achy with a little slouching because I hung my chin on the table, I changed my position to lean on the chair, but still did not let go of eye contact with Kinan.

"From the beginning, Najwa liked my ngerecokin with all his annoying behavior. I think a lot of these and that questions always make me emotional. That's why I'm rarely home, early in the morning leaving, new night home.”

When I remember those days, I am very upset. He said Najwa was quiet and calm, but the attitude he showed in front of me was the opposite. He was aggressive and barbaric. Who doesn't want to try? Make ilfeel only.

“In addition, you know that once the back of the brain feels dislike for someone or something, it will definitely not be able to see it from a positive view."

***

Hi, who's waiting? I had a business to campus this day, doing thesis work. Abis is a tepar. 🙈 Hence a bit long update.

Replace, yes. Starting from this part we use the perspective of Mas Farhan.  Please comment. Wkwkwk.

Sumenep, Madura, East Java

Thursday, 16 September 2021